Results
So after much anxiety and having to wait. Yes, the office was closed yesterday...then on top of that today I had to wait for the doctor to call in to review my results because he is away for 2 weeks! After all that the bloodwork showed that the level only went up .1, I think that is right. It was 4.91 3 weeks ago and as of friday was 5.1. So, I am starting 1 tablet (100 mcg) of synthroid tonight (and every night) before bed on an empty tummy, and I have my blood work re-checked in 6 weeks. I do feel a little better knowing that at least I can start being treated for this. However, I did make my great concern known to the nurse at the endo's office when I spoke with her. She made it clear that in no way was the doctor making me wait (3 weeks) for no reason to have the apt I had friday. That if after looking at my chart (3 weeks ago) I should have come in earlier then they would have had me come in. So, I don't really know how I feel about all that...and perhaps we will do some doc shopping. I was told about a "more cutting edge" endo doc that is only about an hour from our house. He has written a book about hypothroidism and also has a video that I watched where he talks all about hypothyroid and he seems to really "get it". Plus he has a very holistic approach (i.e. diet, excersise, yoga etc) to treatment of hypothyroidism as well as using conventional medicines of course.
Anyway, I am feeling much less anxiety right now. So I feel good for now.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Damned Patriots Day!
So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!
So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
This Different Spring
I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.
I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.
What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.
However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.
I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.
I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.
What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.
However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Warm Spring Air & A Little Anxiety
Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.
However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.
So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.
edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.
Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.
However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.
So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.
edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Hope.
To be honest I never did think that I would be in this place that I am in. I mean really, after Biride died, and we were "introduced" into a world we never really knew existed (dead baby blog land) how can I possibly allow myself to feel hope? I really don't know where it is coming from. Not that I'm not scared to death of the "what if's", but I just don't want to linger there. I know all about what could happen, but my mind just isn't letting me stay there for very long.
Birdie's death was an accident, she should be here right now. It was because of all of the time that passed when things became dangerous that she is dead. Perhaps it is my knowing this that has allowed me to get beyond being worried all the time. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe that's just who I am. I feel like to spend my time, my precious time being scared is not going to do me any good or this baby. I must feel thankful for right now, this moment and all moments of the day. I have said this before, but I know that really ultimately under most circumstances I have no control so I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time.
One day at a time, because I know deep down inside it could all go to shit tomorrow but why do I want to spend the time stressed out about it and anxiety ridden? I just can't do that.
So, for now I feel good. I feel hopeful. I do feel a little bit of healing in my heart and I am madly in love with this little beauty in my belly.
For those of you who were wondering when we found out that we were pregnant again, we officially found out on March 1st. So, we knew on Birdies 1st birthday. It took a while for it to really sink in, and when my belly started to stick out pretty soon after we definitely knew that this is really happening!
For the time being we are seeing the same care providers that we had been with Birdie, before we started to go to the homebirth midwives. So, we are under the care of the CNM's and Doctor that delivered Birdie. The very same doctor who tried in vain to save her life. We both feel very confident and so happy with the care we have already received. Our first pre-natal was nearly an hour long, and a week and half after it we had another appointment just so that we could hear the heartbeat. What a relief to hear that beautiful sound, we both cried through it. We were told right from the start that we can have anything that we want, tests, ultrasounds etc etc. I won't be induced (something I already knew) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Plus, our doctor and the CNM's are PRO VBAC, and that is what I want for myself to. My only concern is going to 40 weeks, I just don't want to get that far. I would be happy with 38 weeks, so we will see when the time comes. All in all we are comfortable with these wonderful care providers, we are close with them and they know us and remember Birdie so we are treated with nothing but kindness.
However, we are going to have a meeting with a midwife from the local "big" hospital. We want to do this just to see how our care might be different, how they approach a "patient" like me etc.
So, that's the scoop from over here. On thursday I will be 12 weeks. I don't want this pregnancy to go by too fast, but then again...I want to hear that beautiful sound of this baby crying...I want to look at my beautiful husband and see the tears of love, happiness and healing and I want to know, finally how it feels to hold a living breathing child that we have created together. I want to know this, and also think of Birdie and think how she might have been...and know who she always will be.
She is always in my heart and in my soul.
To be honest I never did think that I would be in this place that I am in. I mean really, after Biride died, and we were "introduced" into a world we never really knew existed (dead baby blog land) how can I possibly allow myself to feel hope? I really don't know where it is coming from. Not that I'm not scared to death of the "what if's", but I just don't want to linger there. I know all about what could happen, but my mind just isn't letting me stay there for very long.
Birdie's death was an accident, she should be here right now. It was because of all of the time that passed when things became dangerous that she is dead. Perhaps it is my knowing this that has allowed me to get beyond being worried all the time. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe that's just who I am. I feel like to spend my time, my precious time being scared is not going to do me any good or this baby. I must feel thankful for right now, this moment and all moments of the day. I have said this before, but I know that really ultimately under most circumstances I have no control so I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time.
One day at a time, because I know deep down inside it could all go to shit tomorrow but why do I want to spend the time stressed out about it and anxiety ridden? I just can't do that.
So, for now I feel good. I feel hopeful. I do feel a little bit of healing in my heart and I am madly in love with this little beauty in my belly.
For those of you who were wondering when we found out that we were pregnant again, we officially found out on March 1st. So, we knew on Birdies 1st birthday. It took a while for it to really sink in, and when my belly started to stick out pretty soon after we definitely knew that this is really happening!
For the time being we are seeing the same care providers that we had been with Birdie, before we started to go to the homebirth midwives. So, we are under the care of the CNM's and Doctor that delivered Birdie. The very same doctor who tried in vain to save her life. We both feel very confident and so happy with the care we have already received. Our first pre-natal was nearly an hour long, and a week and half after it we had another appointment just so that we could hear the heartbeat. What a relief to hear that beautiful sound, we both cried through it. We were told right from the start that we can have anything that we want, tests, ultrasounds etc etc. I won't be induced (something I already knew) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Plus, our doctor and the CNM's are PRO VBAC, and that is what I want for myself to. My only concern is going to 40 weeks, I just don't want to get that far. I would be happy with 38 weeks, so we will see when the time comes. All in all we are comfortable with these wonderful care providers, we are close with them and they know us and remember Birdie so we are treated with nothing but kindness.
However, we are going to have a meeting with a midwife from the local "big" hospital. We want to do this just to see how our care might be different, how they approach a "patient" like me etc.
So, that's the scoop from over here. On thursday I will be 12 weeks. I don't want this pregnancy to go by too fast, but then again...I want to hear that beautiful sound of this baby crying...I want to look at my beautiful husband and see the tears of love, happiness and healing and I want to know, finally how it feels to hold a living breathing child that we have created together. I want to know this, and also think of Birdie and think how she might have been...and know who she always will be.
She is always in my heart and in my soul.
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