Birdie Love In Milwuakee
It's been so wonderful to see all of our good friends here in Milwaukee. Most of whom we have not seen in 2 years, most of whom we have not seen in the days and months that have passed us by since Birdie died. Though many of them know for the most part what happened on the early morning of her silent birth, there are details that can only be told orally. Yesterday I told the story with a huge open heart to one of our dear friends as it felt so important to tell her and she was very open to listen. Somehow I told the details and no tears came. She listened and asked questions. Though it's so hard to really express sometimes just how raw, just how gut wrenching...how utterly smashed and wripped apart we were and still are to people. It's so hard to convey that we are not exactly who we once were, though I know there are those who see it, others may not. We are still so broken from what we experienced, we will always be.
So, it was good to share in person with this dear sweet friend the details. At the same time it was hard for me at first to see her. She is a new mama you see with a beautiful living, breathing babe of 7 months. Her little love is just heavenly to gaze upon, with skin as soft as Birdie's was. Though I loved to hear about her experience of mamahood, the trials she experienced with breastfeeding, it ached and pinged at my heart a little. I wish that it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could share stories of nursing our little angel to sleep, her sleeping patterns, lack of sleeping...everything that we should have been able to experience. I feel like a Mama, but then I am missing all the good parts. I am not able to nurture my child and watch her grow. Yes, I gave birth to my child, I gave birth to her and I was asleep when I did so. She was born without a single breathe, without a chance...she was there and she was silent, not a billow of air would fill her sweet little lungs. She would never have the chance to nurse from my awaiting breasts that soon would fill with milk. No, she would only lay upon my chest, heavy with silence and stillness. Her beauty would only be blessed upon us for 3 days (and then remembered in pictures).
And the milk...the milk did come in, though I did (and was encouraged to) dry it up immediately. For days I drank sage tea, bound my breasts with cold cabbage leaves and waited for it to dissapate, I dared my breasts to spill forth that milk. My body did not, my body gave in and the milk dissapated. For days I used nursing pads in my bra after the cold cabbage had done its duty. The creamy yellowish dried droplets of milk would form and dry next to my breast, and at night I would remove the pads to see.
Then, here I am now. 23 weeks pregnant with a child that we hope will become our new little miracle, born alive and crying, alive a breathing, alive with a heartbeat and that sweet newborn smell. I'm still handling the pregnancy well so far, it is helping to feel the baby moving. I am starting to notice some patterns of movement, that to is a little re-assuring...as I near when I start my kick counting.
For today I am so very thankful for this little Bunny, I am thankful for every kick and punch. I can only hope that this baby makes it, that we get to hear the cries we have longed to hear.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Milwaukee!
Yes we are in Milwaukee Wisconsin! For those of you who don't know we used to live out here while Matt was in Grad School. He was in the Graduate Film Program at UWM and graduated 3 years ago. We were so sad to leave all of our beautiful friends behind, but we had to finish planning our wedding and figure out where we were going on our life together. The last time we were here was 2 years ago, around this time and we were pregnant with Birdie, I think 8 weeks pregnant.
It's so great to be back here, we miss our "Riverwest" neighborhood and all of the very close friends we made. We are so fortunate to have them, they are true friends and more like family to us.
So we are here, and 2 of these beautiful friends are getting married and we are beyond thrilled for them. They are so right for each other, they complement each other and support each other in their creative endevours. I love going to weddings, especially when I know deep down that the relationship is meant to be. Old souls brought together in a strong friendship and truest love. Its a beautiful thing!
Today we shall hit up many of our old haunts, and hopefully get a nap in too. We are also going to be searching out a new temp. wedding band for me as I cannot fit into my wedding band or my engagement ring anymore...
Bunny is really moving around in my belly, kicking and punching me and I am so in love with him or her. Just like with Birdie, every movement that I feel is a miracle and so very very precious. However, this time I have to stop and pause a but longer and take it in because I know so well that this could all end suddenly and without warning.
Here's to Milwaukee, here's to Kate & Jeremy and of course to Birdie and Bunny!
Yes we are in Milwaukee Wisconsin! For those of you who don't know we used to live out here while Matt was in Grad School. He was in the Graduate Film Program at UWM and graduated 3 years ago. We were so sad to leave all of our beautiful friends behind, but we had to finish planning our wedding and figure out where we were going on our life together. The last time we were here was 2 years ago, around this time and we were pregnant with Birdie, I think 8 weeks pregnant.
It's so great to be back here, we miss our "Riverwest" neighborhood and all of the very close friends we made. We are so fortunate to have them, they are true friends and more like family to us.
So we are here, and 2 of these beautiful friends are getting married and we are beyond thrilled for them. They are so right for each other, they complement each other and support each other in their creative endevours. I love going to weddings, especially when I know deep down that the relationship is meant to be. Old souls brought together in a strong friendship and truest love. Its a beautiful thing!
Today we shall hit up many of our old haunts, and hopefully get a nap in too. We are also going to be searching out a new temp. wedding band for me as I cannot fit into my wedding band or my engagement ring anymore...
Bunny is really moving around in my belly, kicking and punching me and I am so in love with him or her. Just like with Birdie, every movement that I feel is a miracle and so very very precious. However, this time I have to stop and pause a but longer and take it in because I know so well that this could all end suddenly and without warning.
Here's to Milwaukee, here's to Kate & Jeremy and of course to Birdie and Bunny!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
22 Weeks?
We had a Midwife (and OB) apt. today. Apparently they have a new protocol for dating pregnancies....and so after looking at the data from the 16 week ultrasound, they have changed my "due date" back to October 24th. However, I have an agreement with this baby that they must not come that late! We asked our Doc for a later ultraosund with doppler just to see that the cord blood is flowing along smoothly. We are also going to have as many NST's as we want! Our Doc is also pregnant, she is around 17 weeks or so! She has 4 living children, and one that she carried to term knowing that the child was not compatible with life. So, she herself is a loss mama.
So, after thinking that I was about the be 23 weeks come saturday...I will be 22 weeks again. It seems so confusing but that is how it going to be I guess. I liked being a week further along. The truth is that only this baby will know when he or she is ready to be born, however I am going to do as many "natural" things to get labor started as I can....accupunture etc.
This past sunday, Fathers Day our local SHARE group has a butterfly release (i can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post). It was beautiful. The children who were present also really enjoyed it as you will see...
We had a Midwife (and OB) apt. today. Apparently they have a new protocol for dating pregnancies....and so after looking at the data from the 16 week ultrasound, they have changed my "due date" back to October 24th. However, I have an agreement with this baby that they must not come that late! We asked our Doc for a later ultraosund with doppler just to see that the cord blood is flowing along smoothly. We are also going to have as many NST's as we want! Our Doc is also pregnant, she is around 17 weeks or so! She has 4 living children, and one that she carried to term knowing that the child was not compatible with life. So, she herself is a loss mama.
So, after thinking that I was about the be 23 weeks come saturday...I will be 22 weeks again. It seems so confusing but that is how it going to be I guess. I liked being a week further along. The truth is that only this baby will know when he or she is ready to be born, however I am going to do as many "natural" things to get labor started as I can....accupunture etc.
This past sunday, Fathers Day our local SHARE group has a butterfly release (i can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post). It was beautiful. The children who were present also really enjoyed it as you will see...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Papa's Day
A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.
I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.
I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.
A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.
I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.
I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Break From My Normal Posts.
There was a huge warehouse fire last night in my town. It happened in a old abandonded paper mill. We were walking Macy around 11:15pm or so and on the way home noticed a huge pillar of billowing smoke not so far off in the distance....we all jumped in the car and headed to the source:
There was a huge warehouse fire last night in my town. It happened in a old abandonded paper mill. We were walking Macy around 11:15pm or so and on the way home noticed a huge pillar of billowing smoke not so far off in the distance....we all jumped in the car and headed to the source:
Friday, June 06, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
Beauty In Everything
There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.
There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Somehow all the many words that I want to say lately here are escaping me. I'm not sure why this is happening because it feels so good to just get everything out through words. I have been enjoying each day of this blessed pregnancy, and our little bunny is definitely starting to do some thumping. Every few days feeling this baby becomes more pronounced, and I am more assured of this new little life that lives within me. Its a glorious feeling, this baby is a miracle. This next week at the end of the week I will be 21 weeks. I will be 21 weeks and if am to go to 40 weeks it will be 19 weeks until this baby could be born. However, I hope that from the 21 week point that there will only be 17 or so weeks to go. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I just don't want to go anywhere near 40 weeks.
Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!
Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!
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