18 Weeks, 19 Weeks almost 20 Weeks!

I have been pretty absent from this blog for last week or so. Believe me there is a lot on my mind, but I just couldn't get it onto the blog. I have been feeling somewhat guilty that I haven't been writing as much about Birdie, as this is really her blog. I guess sometimes maybe I run out of new things to say. I miss her still so fiercely, and I still cry over her many nights. I don't want to say that this pregnancy is taking away my deep pain, but I do think that it is helping with some of the hopelessness that has been stirring within my heart for so long. This baby is giving me a renewed hope, and although I don't wish to rush to the end of this pregnancy...I can say that the days seem to be flowing pretty smoothly and I am not dwelling on how much longer I have to go. This pregnancy seems to be going along at a pace I can handle, a pace not too slow and not too fast. With Birdie I was so carefree and it was fine that it seemed to go somewhat slowly. As many of you know very well, the subsequent cannot be so carefree.

As of last week I believed that I was in my 18th week, well the 18 week ultrasound (photos below this post) that we had last wednesday put the baby 6 days ahead. So, when we had our midwife appointment on friday of last week, they changed my due date to Oct 18th. However, we did discuss that there is some room in there that the dates are not exact. Even so, I have made an agreement with this baby that labor WILL begin at 38.5 weeks! We also talked about a few of the "natural" ways to stimulate labor...Evening Primrose Oil, Acupuncture...lots of lovin! =) I just know that if I get anywhere close to where I was with Birdie (41.5 weeks) that I will become panic stricken and perhaps a little crazy with worry.

The other thing we talked about was my weight, in the last month I gained 10 pounds! WHOA! The midwife asked me about my diet, she discovered that perhaps the juice I had been drinking could be the culprit. I was drinking at least 2 big glasses of OJ and apple or grape juice. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! She said she would rather see me eat and orange than drink a glass, as it takes about 10 oranges to make 1 glass! Plus since the baby is now fully formed the extra folic acid isn't needed (there is enough in my pre-natal anyway). So, bye bye juice (except for in middle of the night when I take a swig of apple juice). I'm going to have to drink something besides water though....ugh. I can't stand the taste of water first thing in the morning.

So, I am gaining too much weight a little too fast (my thoughts, nobody has said that to me). However, I know that perhaps I gained too much with Birdie. I mean I was so fucking huge! I know I will probably get bug again, but if I can help it at all I want to. I have been pretty bad about getting to the gym, but I have been exercising a good lot by walking the dog 2 to 3 times a day with at least one 1hour walk if not longer. I have also been wanting to get back to pre-nantal yoga, but the class I used to take doesn't exist! Now I am having a hard time finding something else close to me WTF!

So, to recap this long post. As of early last week we thought I was 18 weeks, by the end of the week I was told that really I was 19 weeks. So, this week at the end of the week I will be 20 weeks! Also, I am finally most definitely feeling some kicks or punches and its SUCH A RELIEF! Its not frequent yet, but I feel certain it will be very soon. I'm still feeling good, and my energy level is good too.

So far, so good. Oh, and did I mention how adorable the baby was when we had the ultrasound? The baby was so squirmy, at one point when were looking at the screen it looked like the baby had turned to look at us (but of course it hadn't), we also got to see the baby open it's mouth to take a little drink...so amazing, so beautiful and I still see Birdie's profile in this little miracles profile. Everything looked good. So far, so good.

The first picture here is the one where the baby looks like it was looking at us, the second, baby is opening its mouth to take a drink...

Originally uploaded by Birdies Mama

Here's my 17 week belly. I must say that it feels really good to have such a nice round belly again. What a relief to be "looking" and feeling pregnant again. I think that I might be feeling some little punches and kicks every now and then, but I can't be entirely sure yet. I need to look back on the blog to see when I started to feel Birdie moving around...she was so adorable when she did move within my womb.


More 17 Week photos here

Charlotte Amelia


Today is the 5th Birthday of my dear friend Carol's daughter Charlotte Amelia. Charlotte left this world all too soon 5 years ago today. Her Mama writes so beautifully about her birth here.

Happy Birthday sweet little Charlotte. You are loved and missed by SO MANY.

MOTHERS DAY WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES IS TODAY!

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but there is a Mothers Day Walk To Remember our Babies today, the local Northampton Mass SHARE group that we go to is hosting it. The "Our Children In Our Hearts Walk", it is happening today, Saturday May 10 at 3:00PM at Childs Park in Northampton Ma. If you are in Ma I strongly urge to to come and join us, it is such a lovely event, plus we have organized a Fathers Day Butterfly Release and Picnic that we will be talking about and having flyers out for. So, Mothers of those children who are with us in spirit, and in our hearts...please come. You will be bathed in love and caring, and surrounded by those who understand.

Love you all of you on this Mothers Day Weekend.
Erin

16 Weeks.

Holy shit, really am I going to be 16 weeks pregnant?

I have been keeping myself pretty busy for the last few months and maybe that is how I have gotten to 16 weeks so quickly? When I stop and look down at my growing belly, which seems to be growing at a rapid rate I still can't believe that the belly I see is mine. I am having a hard time sometimes really letting go for this one...I want to bond, and I do, but some days this is all just too surreal for me. It feels a little too dejavu at times. Maybe once I start to feel movement and I am sure that it's movement and not gas, then things will feel more solid for me. I hate that I get to a semi-detached place in my mind from this pregnancy. I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Birdie, I feel good, I feel happy and besides the Hypothyroid so far everything seems to be going well. Have any of you had trouble bonding with subsequent babies in utero?

The other thing that is on my mind is this photo project. As you may know I have been working on and thinking about for a good long time now this "Family Portrait" project. I am getting back into it now, and starting to take new photos of any objects that we have collected or been given to remember Birdie by.

I am also trying so hard to work on my artists statement more because I am getting my shit together to submit these photos to galleries. I want so much for these photos to be seen by many, to effect many. Now, I need to ask those of you who are writers and I know that many of you are...could you or would you take a look at my most recent statement and tell me what you think? I am not the best at articulating my ideas through writing so I need all the help I can get to make this statement as strong as it can be.

"Family Portrait explores the invisibility of grief in our American society. Why do we hide from our grief, pain and sorrow (and the grief, pain and sorrow of others?) Why do we as a culture encourage this behavior for each other? What are we ashamed of? I ask this question in regards specific to when the death we hide from is that of a child.

Not until a recent tragic, and horrific loss in my own life, the death of my first born child Birdie who was stillborn on March 3, 2007 have I ever questioned the way in which we "handle" death in this country. The traumatic death of my child, and the intense grief and anger that are with me everyday since have raised so many questions about public grieving for me. As a grieving mother I have become an advocate for speaking out about my grief, my pain and my anger. I have not been and will not be quiet about the death of my daughter.

After Birdie’s death, and while still in the hospital with her we photographed her and each other with her. Even though we were deep in shock, we knew to photograph was right and important, as the days we would have with her would be our only moments with her. With this “evidence of experience” that we have to look upon we retain the searing trauma, intense anger and manic pain of the death of our child."

15 Weeks 4 Days, So Far So Good.

Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I am doing ok mentally, I have just been working (I have a new and pretty rad job!). I have also been trying to get my act together to submit my photos to galleries in the area and continuing to work on/build upon the photo project.

I am feeling pretty good, no sickness or anything so I guess I am lucky for that. It has gotten a little tricky with the eating thing/my hypothyroid/being vegetarian. I have been reading a little about eating fish, i.e. the safest fish to eat while pregnant. It seems from the info I have found that Wild Alaskan Salmon seems to be the safest. However, before I really do start to go that route I am going to speak with my dietitian about it. It's going to be weird to start to eat fish again...I have been vegetarian for more than 10 years! I must do what I have to do for my body and this baby.

At our last midwife apt (CNM apt) last friday, she was pretty sure that she felt my uterus was measuring higher than normal for 14 weeks. She told us it could be that I was carrying twins, further along that we had thought or that I had a fibroid. Well, we had an ultrasound this past friday...and we have one beautiful little life, no twins, no fibroid. It was a little bit dejavu at first going into that ultrasound room, as we couldn't help be reminded of Birdie. It was good though, and what a relief to see little babe on the screen, to see him or her moving around and to see that heart beating away. It was amazing and it was instant love! We have been both having some trouble bonding, but after seeing the baby within my womb I am at peace with this pregnancy and can feel the bond that was always there...it was just hiding under a protective layer in my mind and in my heart. It was so AWESOME to see this baby! It was also so cool to see the baby's profile, which I do think looks a lot like Birdie's did. We have some pictures and were looking at them against Birdies...there is definitely a resemblance!

So, you can probably tell from the tone of my writing that I am doing pretty well with the pregnancy. I just can't allow myself to dwell on all the bad that could happen. It would drive me crazy if I did that, and I want to enjoy this baby as he or she grows within me. It's only fair to do so for all our sakes.

Here are some photos of babe in utero: