Holdyn's Birth Story Part II

So I left off where we were making our way down the hall to the birth tub room, so we got to the room and the next part of the plan was to break my waters...and so it was. It felt so good to then get into that warm water, I eased myself back and rested my head back, it felt good but that was temporary. My contractions were so damn intense! I kept going with each one, just riding them out as best I could without screaming! I cannot remember at this point how long I was in the birth tub, it must have been a few hours. We all thought that it was going to really help get the rest of my cervix open. At one point the nurse checked me again, and she was certain that I could start to push. I had changed positions to being hands and knees and that seemed to open things more. So, I had a few minutes of bearing down, and that felt good to be able to push...but it felt like I was pushing and nothing was happening. Anyways, then the midwife came back and she checked me, 9cm. DAMN! I think I might have swore at that point because it had been more than 24 hrs of labor! I felt like I should have been completely dilated by that point, I mean really IT FELT that way! The reality was that I wasn't 10cm and that pushing could hurt me, so it was suggested that I get out of the tub and sit on the toilet (i had been having pushy/poo feelings when i stood up or walked around) maybe it would help, it didn't. So, then we all agreed that the midwife would try to push the lip of the cervix away. So, back up on the bed I went, and the midwife proceeded to push the cervix away, HOLY SHIT! Add that discomfort to the contractions and WOWZERS! That combination makes for some serious F-ing pain! There is no denying that! I should mention that by this point I was totally unable to use the hypnosis, at least on a conscious level.

So, pushing back the cervix was a no go. So, back to our room we walked, back down the hallway (past "Birdie's Room"). We got back to the room and we talked about upping the pitocin a little more. So, it was done...things got even more intense in a little amount of time, and so I was given an epidural. YES, it was the absolute last thing that I had planned or wanted, but I was losing control, I really was. The intensity was too much for me anymore and I was exhausted. I was afraid to have the epidural, but it turned out that the anticipation was worse than the actual thing. Slowly I could feel my contractions melting away, it was a welcome relief, yes it was. I should also say that when all this was being done, my poor Matt was so scared, I think that he might have been having a little bit of flashbacks to Birdie, and he just felt helpless. I caught out of the corner of my eye the midwife talking to him, trying to calm him a little.

Now I am not sure how long I was let alone to see if things would progress more...but somewhere in that amount of time Holdyn's heart rate decelled to 30 and came back up, but that caused the nurses and midwife to quickly enter the room. Since I had been being monitored I was aware of his normal decels with the contractions, but I must have dozed off during that one because I didn't hear it.

So after that it was clear that we should get the baby out, that I was stuck at 9cm (and as you will read soon, there was a reason!) So, our midwife, our dear sweet midwife who wanted a VBAC for us as much as we wanted one said, I think that you're going to have to have a C-Section...I'm so sorry Erin. She went to talk with the doc that was on call, they both came back in and the doc explained again. For 1 little second I felt disappointment, a teeny weeny one, then I was just like YES, OK! Let's just get this baby out ALIVE! I didn't care at all, I just wanted our baby PRONTO! I looked over at Matt, who's hand I was holding so very tightly and he started to cry. Then we found out that the doc who delivered Birdie (she tried to save her life!) who was not on call that day was coming in to do the c-section...I turned to look at Matt and he just began to cry, I said to him, It's OK Matt. He was crying because oh how the situation was starting to look, and because the one person who tried so desperately to save Birdie (she had the most control in that situation), someone who we have SO MUCH respect and love for was going to be able to help me to give birth to a LIVE baby. The healing moment we had all been waiting for (and had talked so much about) would be experienced together.

I couldn't bring myself to tears at this point, I was so happy that in a short time we would have our miracle in our arms! What a glorious feeling! One thing that did upset me was that Matt would have to wait to come into the OR, he walked with me down the hallway as I was rolled down to the room on the bed. Again I told him that it would be OK, it would be different this time, and it would be! So, as we neared the room, we both said I love you, I'll see you in a few minutes Matt I said. He went to wait with our families (who had been at the hospital waiting since the evening before!)

When I was wheeled into the room, I got a little scared, it was dejavu a little for me. I tried not to look up at the lights and focus anywhere else I could. When I was helped onto the table, to my relief a large wedge was placed under one side of my back! It was a relief because lying flat on my back was a bad idea, as it made me fear I might pass out!

Finally, things seemed like they were going to get going! My sweet Matt was there with me, he was so sweet and so emotional. Of course I was too but I was so excited to hear our baby's cry and see him or her that I still couldn't cry. I could feel the tugs at my belly, I knew things were moving along, any minute now and our miracle would emerge!

And then! I heard the talk that the head was out (i think), they rocked my belly around a bit to get his shoulders out...and then......THE CRIES! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AIR FILLED CRIES.....they wanted Matt to see that he was a boy first and he would tell me, but, in the excitement someone said, It's a boy!!!! Matt was sobbing so lovingly, Holdyn had a little fluid in his lungs, so Matt couldn't hold him right away but he was right there with him, and I was there looking on from where I lay. It was glorious, and I couldn't believe my eyes and ears! We had done it! We got the prize! A gorgeous LIVE baby boy, then my tears began to fall and they kept on falling. I was so energized by his birth, I couldn't believe he was alive. Many minutes later, as they got me ready to leave the OR, Matt left to tell our parents. As they cleaning me up etc, our doc said that there was no way he would have come through my birth canal, no way because there was a Bandel's Ring present. So, thank goodness we had time to have a safe delivery via c-section!

Then, they handed him to me and that's when I really lost it! There he was, warm and soft and sweet smelling.

He looked just like his sister. He really did, and he still does!

Our families came into our room, our mothers first....I could feel the healing for all of us, I can't write words that express it, it was just there and so present, as was Birdie.

We stayed at the Birth Center for 4 days after Holdyn's birth. 4 warm, love filled days, the only time we put him down was to change his diaper. I slept each night with him in my arms, much like I slept with Birdie in my arms until her body became too heavy with her "sleep". We were taken such good care of, and by all the nurses who cared for us after Birdie died, except for 2 nurses. We felt so loved by everyone, and we could feel the healing in their hearts to. There were lots of hugs shared by everyone, these people are more than caregivers and midwives and doctor to us, they are like family and we love them very much. For those of them who read this blog (T and J), you know who you are....all our love to you, you are so special to us, and thank you for your care, thank you so much.

So here I sit...

with a beautiful little miracle at my breast. I am still in baby moon mode, even though Matt has had to go back to work. That makes me really sad, it's hard not having him here, for both of us, I wish he could 3 months off, not 3 weeks!

Still, here I sit, skin to skin with our miracle and he is a miracle. I will do all that I can to nurture him with my best instincts for Matt and for me. Despite what some might think is spoiling our little babe, it's only nurturing and good for him and me, no harm can come to a child who is held, carried or worn as much as he or she can be, only a stronger bond can come of it, a stronger bond and more trust between parent and child.

Holdyn's Birth Story Part I

It all began after a long walk with Macy on Wednesday Oct 1, 2008. We took our usual route, about a 45 minute walk around the neighborhoods near our home. When we got home, as usual I had to pee...when I sat down t do just that I noticed some blood.

Uh, OK I thought, is this really what I think it could be and mean? So, I called our midwives office and spoke to one of our midwives. I explained that I had just taken a walk and came home to find a little blood. Long story short, she concluded that it could have been my mucous plug and that we might in fact be meeting our baby in a few days! I was a little beside myself with happiness and I admit I also felt the littlest bit of worry, but that didn't last long. Then I called Matt to tell him the news, he was shocked and I could tell he was nervous and concerned and HAPPY! I told him there wasn't a need for him to rush home, I felt fine with no signs of contractions. So, I went about my afternoon, lying low and resting as best I could. Talking to the little Bunny rabbit who we would in fact meet in a few days time.

Matt came home from work, and shortly thereafter we headed to the mall to the bookstore because I needed to use the wifi as we had been without it all day at home and I needed to get some work done just in case I went into labor. It was also a good excuse to look through some baby name books (since we hadn't finalized on any of our choices!). We went to sleep that night....and let's just say we gave things a little push to see if my body would start some contractions!

Sure enough, when I woke up to pee around 4am....I WAS FEELING SOME CONTRACTIONS!!! They were small, but definately there and noticeable! I woke Matt up to tell him, we both agreed that we should get some more sleep. I was only able to doze off a few times, the contractions were getting stronger as the early hours of the morning went by. We had our scheduled weekly midwife apt. that morning at 8:30. As we were getting ready to go to it my contractions were getting even stronger....so it took us a little longer to get to the appointment. Finally we got there around 9am, I peed in the cup, stepped on the scale and had my blood pressure taken. When we got into the room and I sat up on the table I felt like I might puke, and seconds later I did just that! Banana and oatmeal all over the floor, YUM! The midwife who saw us brought us to another room, she checked the heart rate, checked me and I was 3cm (i think, I can't remember at this point!), anyways, then they got me set up on the monitor which I was happy to have and be able to hear Holdyn's heart beating away beautifully while I contracted. We stayed on that for a while, then our midwife said that she was going to have us head to the birth center for more monitoring and ultrasound, again I was happy to hear this news!

So, on our way we went. Matt called Ron (Macy's uncle, our dear friend Ron) to come and get her, that we were in labor and heading to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital around 11am and parked it was nearby the doorway we had entered when we were in labor with Birdie. It was a door that we had both feared, but we just had to go through it, and down the hallway was the birth center. When we got to the door, we could see familiar caring faces of many nurses who had taken such tender care of us after Birdie died. We felt safe that they would be there for us and with us this time, through this labor and birth experience.

We were brought into one of the outpatient rooms, the monitor straps were secured to my very round contracting belly and I felt relief again to hear our babies heart beating away in my ear. He was doing so well, with each contraction he did so GOOD! Of course there were decels here and there, but his heart rate would bounce right back up as it was supposed to! He was looking good and so healthy, and an ultrasound also confirmed this as well as him being ready to be born when the time came. After the ultrasound I got up to walk the hall a bit, not too long after getting out into the hall and walking I felt like I was going to puke! I warned Matt so he tried to get me back to the room....it was too late! I projectile vomited ALL OVER HIM! Thank goodness it didn't stink, but he was soaked with it! The nurses gave him clean scrubs to wear, I felt so bad for him.

The midwife who was at the hospital checked me every hour or so, I was dialating but at first it wasn't certain if I would be admited. By around 2pm I think I had made it to 4cm (maybe it was earlier, I can't remember!) so I was admitted and we were assigned a room. So, we moved down to the room and got settled. It was a nice big sunny room all the way at the end of the hall, the opposite end of the hall from "Birdie's Room".

This was it, I was in labor and we were going to meet our little miracle soon! I had been hoping for an earlier delivery....but I had in mind 38 weeks, but since the baby was ready and healthy it was totally cool that the birth happen at 37 weeks!!!

For a good portion of my labor I did use the hypnosis, and it seemed to help, I wanted to make sure to mention this because I had talked about it in earlier posts.

OK, so we got settled in our room, then the nurse (one of the lovely nurses who cared for us the last time) tried to put in the IV (I needed fluids because I puked so much water up!). Well, my veins were not too good...so after a good bit of poking the anesthesiologist was called to get the IV in. After some fancy work she was successful! After this I ate a popsicle, a yummy orange popsicle! I loved eating popsicles when I was in labor! I ate ALL the orange ones! Anyways, so some of what happened next I can't remember details, but I do remember that I got up and Matt and I walked the hallway back and forth a few times, then we would get back to the room and I would lay down for a little while, or sit in the glider....or my favorite...get into the shower and let super hot water run on my back. My contractions were becoming much stronger....OH BOY were they powerful, still I was using hypnosis and it was still helping.

By the middle of the night, maybe 1am or so I couldn't handle it anymore, I needed some "help". Matt and I had a word that we agreed on, a word that only he would know if it was totally last resort that I wanted some "help" to ease the intense contractions. I tried for a very long time to use the hypnosis to hold things together, but I could feel that I was losing control a little bit, my breathing through the contractions was at a point that I was not able to ease through. My labor had been going on at that intensity for some time, I was making progress but not at the rate it felt like I was. So, I was given some pain meds via IV, it made a difference and I was able to rest a little bit. I should also mention that at some point I was given a very very small dose of pitocin to try and get my labor sped up. The baby was still responding well to the contractions, but I was progressing a little slow, again it felt to me like I was moving faster than I was. All the decisions that were being made were agreed to by me and Matt, all that we were focused on was having the baby born alive.

Anyways, a few hours later I was encouraged to get up and walk around, I was given a few options of what to do next as well...we all agreed that I would walk to the other end of the hall to the birth tub room, and before I was to get into the tub my waters would be broken, I was at 8cm I think at that point and things needed to get going. So, we slowly made our way down the hallway, Matt, the midwife and the nurse, nurse Tina (who I must tell you was AWESOME in helping me to keep calm when my contractions were becoming more than I could handle, she stayed by my side calmly encouraging me to breathe calmly...and I think she helped Matt to keep calm too.

Part II Coming Soon! Also.....CHECK OUT THE POST BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!

3 Weeks Old & A little Bit About Babywearing!!!

These weeks have been so amazing, though we know that our sweet little Holdyn is growing we have chose to not make such a big deal about it at this point. We simply don't want to let him grow up too fast...though like I said we know he is getting bigger already. For one thing he is getting chubby!




When we had our baby shower we had received a few baby carriers, one being a Moby carrier. We were so excited to be able to wear and carry Birdie everywhere, to hold her as much as possible. It really felt like the right thing to do, especially after reading so much about the (common sense) benefits of babywearing. Well, as you well know we never got to "wear" or carry Birdie, so with little Holdyn it's even more important! After waiting SO long to have a live baby...how could we not want to hold, carry and wear him as much as possible!



All our holding, carrying and wearing is so VERY nurturing for him and us.


So, we have figured out how to use the Moby wrap and we have been carrying and wearing him and it's delightful! I love being able to look down and see his teeny little face as I walk around and do things around the house.

HOLDYN'S FIRST VIDEO!!!

I moved this UP, check it out!

Babymooning.

Our home is so peaceful in these days of late. We are rejoicing over our little Holdyn, each cry, each coo, yawn and stretch is a miracle.

I'm slow to post the birth story.....in the meantime here are a few more photos.







Thank you all so much for your lovely words and warm wishes...we appreciate them so much.

Love,
Erin & Matt

HE IS HERE! HE IS HERE! I CAN"T BELIEVE THAT HE IS HERE!!!!!!!!

Words cannot describe our joy....it's overflowing...Oh My I cannot believe it!

Holdyn Gene was born at 8:29am on October 3, 2008!
He weighed 6lbs 14oz, 20 1/2 inches long.
Our hope has arrived and he is gorgeous.
Our hearts are full, we are SO in love!














MORE PHOTOS & BIRTH STORY SOON.