Holdyn's Birth Story Part II

So I left off where we were making our way down the hall to the birth tub room, so we got to the room and the next part of the plan was to break my waters...and so it was. It felt so good to then get into that warm water, I eased myself back and rested my head back, it felt good but that was temporary. My contractions were so damn intense! I kept going with each one, just riding them out as best I could without screaming! I cannot remember at this point how long I was in the birth tub, it must have been a few hours. We all thought that it was going to really help get the rest of my cervix open. At one point the nurse checked me again, and she was certain that I could start to push. I had changed positions to being hands and knees and that seemed to open things more. So, I had a few minutes of bearing down, and that felt good to be able to push...but it felt like I was pushing and nothing was happening. Anyways, then the midwife came back and she checked me, 9cm. DAMN! I think I might have swore at that point because it had been more than 24 hrs of labor! I felt like I should have been completely dilated by that point, I mean really IT FELT that way! The reality was that I wasn't 10cm and that pushing could hurt me, so it was suggested that I get out of the tub and sit on the toilet (i had been having pushy/poo feelings when i stood up or walked around) maybe it would help, it didn't. So, then we all agreed that the midwife would try to push the lip of the cervix away. So, back up on the bed I went, and the midwife proceeded to push the cervix away, HOLY SHIT! Add that discomfort to the contractions and WOWZERS! That combination makes for some serious F-ing pain! There is no denying that! I should mention that by this point I was totally unable to use the hypnosis, at least on a conscious level.

So, pushing back the cervix was a no go. So, back to our room we walked, back down the hallway (past "Birdie's Room"). We got back to the room and we talked about upping the pitocin a little more. So, it was done...things got even more intense in a little amount of time, and so I was given an epidural. YES, it was the absolute last thing that I had planned or wanted, but I was losing control, I really was. The intensity was too much for me anymore and I was exhausted. I was afraid to have the epidural, but it turned out that the anticipation was worse than the actual thing. Slowly I could feel my contractions melting away, it was a welcome relief, yes it was. I should also say that when all this was being done, my poor Matt was so scared, I think that he might have been having a little bit of flashbacks to Birdie, and he just felt helpless. I caught out of the corner of my eye the midwife talking to him, trying to calm him a little.

Now I am not sure how long I was let alone to see if things would progress more...but somewhere in that amount of time Holdyn's heart rate decelled to 30 and came back up, but that caused the nurses and midwife to quickly enter the room. Since I had been being monitored I was aware of his normal decels with the contractions, but I must have dozed off during that one because I didn't hear it.

So after that it was clear that we should get the baby out, that I was stuck at 9cm (and as you will read soon, there was a reason!) So, our midwife, our dear sweet midwife who wanted a VBAC for us as much as we wanted one said, I think that you're going to have to have a C-Section...I'm so sorry Erin. She went to talk with the doc that was on call, they both came back in and the doc explained again. For 1 little second I felt disappointment, a teeny weeny one, then I was just like YES, OK! Let's just get this baby out ALIVE! I didn't care at all, I just wanted our baby PRONTO! I looked over at Matt, who's hand I was holding so very tightly and he started to cry. Then we found out that the doc who delivered Birdie (she tried to save her life!) who was not on call that day was coming in to do the c-section...I turned to look at Matt and he just began to cry, I said to him, It's OK Matt. He was crying because oh how the situation was starting to look, and because the one person who tried so desperately to save Birdie (she had the most control in that situation), someone who we have SO MUCH respect and love for was going to be able to help me to give birth to a LIVE baby. The healing moment we had all been waiting for (and had talked so much about) would be experienced together.

I couldn't bring myself to tears at this point, I was so happy that in a short time we would have our miracle in our arms! What a glorious feeling! One thing that did upset me was that Matt would have to wait to come into the OR, he walked with me down the hallway as I was rolled down to the room on the bed. Again I told him that it would be OK, it would be different this time, and it would be! So, as we neared the room, we both said I love you, I'll see you in a few minutes Matt I said. He went to wait with our families (who had been at the hospital waiting since the evening before!)

When I was wheeled into the room, I got a little scared, it was dejavu a little for me. I tried not to look up at the lights and focus anywhere else I could. When I was helped onto the table, to my relief a large wedge was placed under one side of my back! It was a relief because lying flat on my back was a bad idea, as it made me fear I might pass out!

Finally, things seemed like they were going to get going! My sweet Matt was there with me, he was so sweet and so emotional. Of course I was too but I was so excited to hear our baby's cry and see him or her that I still couldn't cry. I could feel the tugs at my belly, I knew things were moving along, any minute now and our miracle would emerge!

And then! I heard the talk that the head was out (i think), they rocked my belly around a bit to get his shoulders out...and then......THE CRIES! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AIR FILLED CRIES.....they wanted Matt to see that he was a boy first and he would tell me, but, in the excitement someone said, It's a boy!!!! Matt was sobbing so lovingly, Holdyn had a little fluid in his lungs, so Matt couldn't hold him right away but he was right there with him, and I was there looking on from where I lay. It was glorious, and I couldn't believe my eyes and ears! We had done it! We got the prize! A gorgeous LIVE baby boy, then my tears began to fall and they kept on falling. I was so energized by his birth, I couldn't believe he was alive. Many minutes later, as they got me ready to leave the OR, Matt left to tell our parents. As they cleaning me up etc, our doc said that there was no way he would have come through my birth canal, no way because there was a Bandel's Ring present. So, thank goodness we had time to have a safe delivery via c-section!

Then, they handed him to me and that's when I really lost it! There he was, warm and soft and sweet smelling.

He looked just like his sister. He really did, and he still does!

Our families came into our room, our mothers first....I could feel the healing for all of us, I can't write words that express it, it was just there and so present, as was Birdie.

We stayed at the Birth Center for 4 days after Holdyn's birth. 4 warm, love filled days, the only time we put him down was to change his diaper. I slept each night with him in my arms, much like I slept with Birdie in my arms until her body became too heavy with her "sleep". We were taken such good care of, and by all the nurses who cared for us after Birdie died, except for 2 nurses. We felt so loved by everyone, and we could feel the healing in their hearts to. There were lots of hugs shared by everyone, these people are more than caregivers and midwives and doctor to us, they are like family and we love them very much. For those of them who read this blog (T and J), you know who you are....all our love to you, you are so special to us, and thank you for your care, thank you so much.

So here I sit...

with a beautiful little miracle at my breast. I am still in baby moon mode, even though Matt has had to go back to work. That makes me really sad, it's hard not having him here, for both of us, I wish he could 3 months off, not 3 weeks!

Still, here I sit, skin to skin with our miracle and he is a miracle. I will do all that I can to nurture him with my best instincts for Matt and for me. Despite what some might think is spoiling our little babe, it's only nurturing and good for him and me, no harm can come to a child who is held, carried or worn as much as he or she can be, only a stronger bond can come of it, a stronger bond and more trust between parent and child.