What Lay Upon The Horizon
We are getting so very close to Birdie's 2nd birthday. It still feels as if it was only yesterday that we were so excited with that innocent new parent joy. Expecting to birth a live child, as you might remember, we were expecting to have her at home. Now, the thought of that makes me ill. While many days, months and now almost 2 years have passed I still feel a deep guilt for the choice that ultimately was mine. Had I not been so damned naive and headstrong maybe my baby girl would be here right now.
She isn't.
She died.
Right now as I site here typing, right beside me is the lovely, sweet smelling, warm body of Birdie's little brother. I gaze upon his face, as his eyes are gently closed in a most peaceful slumber. Yes, he looks like his sister, he looks so very very much like her and so perhaps I am getting to watch a glimmer of how she would have grown too. For some it might be hard to have a subsequent child who is a reflection of there dear one who is not with them in the flesh. For me, for us, it is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter. In a way, I am relieved that he resembles his big sister. When I was pregnant I wondered and hoped that he/she would have a small likeness to Birdie.
Oh Birdie. I am missing you very much, very very very much. Sweetest little angel baby, you would be turning 2 years old very soon! I wonder what you would be like, maybe have golden blonde locks with ringlets of curls? Big sparkling vibrant blue eyes, eyes as piercing and lovely as your papas? A big hearty little girl lauph, with a giggle to match?
I just don't know, I can't ever know, I will never know my daughter.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
DENIED!
Really briefly, want you to know that MassHealth sucks an even bigger one! I have been denied a hearing. BUT, there is a premium assistance program available. This program pays for most of the monthly premium cost, leaving us a small (in comparison) amount to pay. I spent a good amount of the afternoon on the phone yesterday before finding out about this program (they don't just offer up the information), so they are investigating Matt's insurance and are going to let us know what to do. So in the meantime I am insurance-less. That's OK, just as long as I have insurance again within the 60 Day? window...I think it's 60 days.
Also, I re-weighed Holdyn after his bath this AM, he is more like 15 lbs! PHEW!
Remember when:
And now:
Really briefly, want you to know that MassHealth sucks an even bigger one! I have been denied a hearing. BUT, there is a premium assistance program available. This program pays for most of the monthly premium cost, leaving us a small (in comparison) amount to pay. I spent a good amount of the afternoon on the phone yesterday before finding out about this program (they don't just offer up the information), so they are investigating Matt's insurance and are going to let us know what to do. So in the meantime I am insurance-less. That's OK, just as long as I have insurance again within the 60 Day? window...I think it's 60 days.
Also, I re-weighed Holdyn after his bath this AM, he is more like 15 lbs! PHEW!
Remember when:
And now:
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Not The Best Time...
To get dropped from my state health insurance plan, aka Medicaid/MassHealth. I got a letter a few weeks ago stating that I would lose my MassHealth because "You or someone in your family was offered insurance blah blah blah....your income is too high...blah blah blah. Oh, really? You mean to say that as long as I am pregnant I can get MassHealth, but when the baby is born our expenses stay the same? FUCK NO they don't my friend!
So, anyways I have requested a fair "hearing" to meet with a MassHealth officer/rep. I feel that my case is pretty strong, if I am forced to get onto Matt's insurance it will cost around $210 a month. That might not seem like a lot, but when it will put us in the red with our monthly expenses, IT IS A LOT.
Monthly Expenses
Utilities: an easy $400
Rent: $650
Car Insurance: $100
Diaper Service (cost is comparable to disposables if not less): $80
Food (organic nutritious pesticide free food): an easy $500 a month
Equals to: $1730
Now when our income is around $1600 a month after taxes.....we are in the red, if you take another $210 from that it's $1400 a month. Thanks a lot Mass Fucking Health! Plus, these expenses don't include gas for our cars (i don't use my car all that much, so that helps), this also doesn't include buying clothing for Holdyn (even if they are thrift bought), and activities that we want to take him to. Let alone if we want to go out to dinner as a family once in a while.
So, when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how they made their decision to cut me off from affordable insurance. Thankfully Holdyn is still covered, he is set for 2 years.
If there is anyone out there who knows anything about law and could give me some tips for when I go for my hearing (or have it over the phone), I welcome your thoughts!!! I can get a little hot tempered with these things, and I know that I need to keep my cool. If I am well prepared, that will help.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? After Birdie died, they did this to me, BUT they said I was eligible for a MassHealth program called Commonwealth Care, it was affordable for us at around $70 a month. But, $210 a month, that is not affordable and we will have to take even more from our savings. Our savings that we have been dipping into to pay our utilities, our savings that was meant for when we want to buy a house!
HELP!
p.s. I forgot to mention that in Massachusetts, if you do not have insurance you can receive a penalty on your taxes. Uhm, OK THAT"S JUST GREAT! How about if you CAN"T AFFORD IT!
To get dropped from my state health insurance plan, aka Medicaid/MassHealth. I got a letter a few weeks ago stating that I would lose my MassHealth because "You or someone in your family was offered insurance blah blah blah....your income is too high...blah blah blah. Oh, really? You mean to say that as long as I am pregnant I can get MassHealth, but when the baby is born our expenses stay the same? FUCK NO they don't my friend!
So, anyways I have requested a fair "hearing" to meet with a MassHealth officer/rep. I feel that my case is pretty strong, if I am forced to get onto Matt's insurance it will cost around $210 a month. That might not seem like a lot, but when it will put us in the red with our monthly expenses, IT IS A LOT.
Monthly Expenses
Utilities: an easy $400
Rent: $650
Car Insurance: $100
Diaper Service (cost is comparable to disposables if not less): $80
Food (organic nutritious pesticide free food): an easy $500 a month
Equals to: $1730
Now when our income is around $1600 a month after taxes.....we are in the red, if you take another $210 from that it's $1400 a month. Thanks a lot Mass Fucking Health! Plus, these expenses don't include gas for our cars (i don't use my car all that much, so that helps), this also doesn't include buying clothing for Holdyn (even if they are thrift bought), and activities that we want to take him to. Let alone if we want to go out to dinner as a family once in a while.
So, when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how they made their decision to cut me off from affordable insurance. Thankfully Holdyn is still covered, he is set for 2 years.
If there is anyone out there who knows anything about law and could give me some tips for when I go for my hearing (or have it over the phone), I welcome your thoughts!!! I can get a little hot tempered with these things, and I know that I need to keep my cool. If I am well prepared, that will help.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? After Birdie died, they did this to me, BUT they said I was eligible for a MassHealth program called Commonwealth Care, it was affordable for us at around $70 a month. But, $210 a month, that is not affordable and we will have to take even more from our savings. Our savings that we have been dipping into to pay our utilities, our savings that was meant for when we want to buy a house!
HELP!
p.s. I forgot to mention that in Massachusetts, if you do not have insurance you can receive a penalty on your taxes. Uhm, OK THAT"S JUST GREAT! How about if you CAN"T AFFORD IT!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Few Things
At 16 weeks Holdyn is weighing in at around 19lbs give or take a few, but holy jeebers that's a lot of pounds dude! I am going to measure him later on, he was 24 inches about 3 weeks ago...so we'll see!
Below are some photos I took while in the process of this post, as you might be able to tell, Holdyn is now tall enough that his head are out of the carrier's head support! I can remember when he was still small enough that his legs barely stuck out the sides of the carrier! Crazy!
Also, as you might have noticed there is a March of Dimes widget on the left sidebar of the blog. I am going to be walking on April 18th for all the babies whose parents I have met through SHARE, and through my writing this blog. Your children and my girl are always with me. May my footsteps, and others' be a quiet and loving peaceful meditation on all of the babies who came into this world too soon. If you can please take a moment to go to my pledge page via the March Of Dimes widget. I have a goal of raising at least $200, but I am hopeful to perhaps raise over $200.
Blessings.
Erin
At 16 weeks Holdyn is weighing in at around 19lbs give or take a few, but holy jeebers that's a lot of pounds dude! I am going to measure him later on, he was 24 inches about 3 weeks ago...so we'll see!
Below are some photos I took while in the process of this post, as you might be able to tell, Holdyn is now tall enough that his head are out of the carrier's head support! I can remember when he was still small enough that his legs barely stuck out the sides of the carrier! Crazy!
Also, as you might have noticed there is a March of Dimes widget on the left sidebar of the blog. I am going to be walking on April 18th for all the babies whose parents I have met through SHARE, and through my writing this blog. Your children and my girl are always with me. May my footsteps, and others' be a quiet and loving peaceful meditation on all of the babies who came into this world too soon. If you can please take a moment to go to my pledge page via the March Of Dimes widget. I have a goal of raising at least $200, but I am hopeful to perhaps raise over $200.
Blessings.
Erin
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
15 Weeks
15 weeks, how many days does this equal too? I have to really sit and do the math, it's too difficult for me really even comprehend that we have gotten to this point. Still, here we ARE. As I sit here right now, on our bed, sweet little Holdyn in lying beside me his breath calm and peaceful as he sleeps. I feel like I need to pinch myself right now, to really know that this is not a dream, that my beautiful living child, my son is indeed here with me. Oh he is just so sweet, so very sleepy and warm.
Today we had a really fun afternoon. There was a local children's concert with Uncle Rock, and so we took our little Holdyn to his first LIVE music concert! For the first few songs he was fast asleep in the carrier, as he didn't sleep much in the morning. I decided to gently take him out of the carrier, to slowly wake him so that he could see the environment he was in and the performance. He was wide eyed, and clearly interested in all that he was seeing and hearing. There was lots of singing along and call and response, so me and Matt were very into it. We had a blast!
Holdyn is very responsive to music and movement/dance already, as I/we sing to him ALL the time and the singing is almost always accompanied by dancing with him in our arms or in a carrier. Actually Holdyn's new thing is not wanting to nurse while sitting in the rocker lying across the nursing pillow...he has begun to prefer to have me standing up dancing/rocking/singing/nursing him! I really love doing this, however he is getting heavy! =)
For my most recent birthday Matt got me a BEAUTIFUL Gretch guitar, it sort of resembles a blues guitar. It's just lovely! For the longest time I hadn't been playing/practicing. Partly because my belly got too big and we didn't have a tuner or amp! Well, we have a temporary sort of amp and I got a cheap but great tuner and have been taking the guitar out almost everyday and playing for Holdyn. Really I don't know what I am doing yet, but I love the sound of my guitar and so does Holdyn. I sit him in my lap and he likes to touch and hold onto the neck of the guitar as I strum and attempt to play a few chords. In March I am we are going to be taking a Music Together class and I am so excited! We really want music to be a big part of his life, not just listening, but playing it and singing! I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn about learning instruments when I was young, now I see how much I missed out on! Although, the clarinet was kind of boring.
WOW I am rambling on here! OK, so I have photos from 13 weeks and 14, I have to get the 15 week ones of my camera still. Maybe tomorrow I will have a chance at that. For now, here you go. Our sweet little man for you all to see.
13 Weeks
14 Weeks
p.s. the play gym that Holdyn is playing with HE LOVES THE HECK OUTTA IT! I splurged and got this for him, its made in Germany, its completely NON-TOXIC, all wood with a natural (beeswax) finish, non-toxic paints. I trust absolutely NOTHING that comes from China, even the clothing made there is toxic. I just read an article last week about how the baby/children's clothes from there is treated with formaldehyde to preserve it for shipping overseas! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me? That shit is fucked! So, NO nothing for this boy is coming from China, no toys, no clothes NOTHING. Besides, I never felt comfortable with the idea of plastic/fabric/any toys that come from there. Plastic toys are toxic anyways. So, although the natural/wood toys may be more $$$, it gives us peace of mind, and they will last a good long time! The same goes for organic clothes, they cost a bit more, but it is worth it. They are better for baby, and better for the environment. I don't give a flying fuck if I sound like a crazy mama with all this concern, I feel that I am just being super mindful of my son's health and the health of the planet. Everyone has to do their part, and Holdyn is one tiny addition to this planet's population, if he and we can lessen the impact that he makes via, cloth diapers, natural toys and organic clothes that we will do it! Plus, it will in turn make him a more conscious little boy and maybe he will grow up to be a conservationist or something like that! Dammit now I have really rambled. Sorry!
15 weeks, how many days does this equal too? I have to really sit and do the math, it's too difficult for me really even comprehend that we have gotten to this point. Still, here we ARE. As I sit here right now, on our bed, sweet little Holdyn in lying beside me his breath calm and peaceful as he sleeps. I feel like I need to pinch myself right now, to really know that this is not a dream, that my beautiful living child, my son is indeed here with me. Oh he is just so sweet, so very sleepy and warm.
Today we had a really fun afternoon. There was a local children's concert with Uncle Rock, and so we took our little Holdyn to his first LIVE music concert! For the first few songs he was fast asleep in the carrier, as he didn't sleep much in the morning. I decided to gently take him out of the carrier, to slowly wake him so that he could see the environment he was in and the performance. He was wide eyed, and clearly interested in all that he was seeing and hearing. There was lots of singing along and call and response, so me and Matt were very into it. We had a blast!
Holdyn is very responsive to music and movement/dance already, as I/we sing to him ALL the time and the singing is almost always accompanied by dancing with him in our arms or in a carrier. Actually Holdyn's new thing is not wanting to nurse while sitting in the rocker lying across the nursing pillow...he has begun to prefer to have me standing up dancing/rocking/singing/nursing him! I really love doing this, however he is getting heavy! =)
For my most recent birthday Matt got me a BEAUTIFUL Gretch guitar, it sort of resembles a blues guitar. It's just lovely! For the longest time I hadn't been playing/practicing. Partly because my belly got too big and we didn't have a tuner or amp! Well, we have a temporary sort of amp and I got a cheap but great tuner and have been taking the guitar out almost everyday and playing for Holdyn. Really I don't know what I am doing yet, but I love the sound of my guitar and so does Holdyn. I sit him in my lap and he likes to touch and hold onto the neck of the guitar as I strum and attempt to play a few chords. In March I am we are going to be taking a Music Together class and I am so excited! We really want music to be a big part of his life, not just listening, but playing it and singing! I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn about learning instruments when I was young, now I see how much I missed out on! Although, the clarinet was kind of boring.
WOW I am rambling on here! OK, so I have photos from 13 weeks and 14, I have to get the 15 week ones of my camera still. Maybe tomorrow I will have a chance at that. For now, here you go. Our sweet little man for you all to see.
13 Weeks
14 Weeks
p.s. the play gym that Holdyn is playing with HE LOVES THE HECK OUTTA IT! I splurged and got this for him, its made in Germany, its completely NON-TOXIC, all wood with a natural (beeswax) finish, non-toxic paints. I trust absolutely NOTHING that comes from China, even the clothing made there is toxic. I just read an article last week about how the baby/children's clothes from there is treated with formaldehyde to preserve it for shipping overseas! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me? That shit is fucked! So, NO nothing for this boy is coming from China, no toys, no clothes NOTHING. Besides, I never felt comfortable with the idea of plastic/fabric/any toys that come from there. Plastic toys are toxic anyways. So, although the natural/wood toys may be more $$$, it gives us peace of mind, and they will last a good long time! The same goes for organic clothes, they cost a bit more, but it is worth it. They are better for baby, and better for the environment. I don't give a flying fuck if I sound like a crazy mama with all this concern, I feel that I am just being super mindful of my son's health and the health of the planet. Everyone has to do their part, and Holdyn is one tiny addition to this planet's population, if he and we can lessen the impact that he makes via, cloth diapers, natural toys and organic clothes that we will do it! Plus, it will in turn make him a more conscious little boy and maybe he will grow up to be a conservationist or something like that! Dammit now I have really rambled. Sorry!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Little Baby That Could
Holdyn, he is the little baby that could.
He is the little baby that made it, he lived through his birth, he was able to to born kicking and screaming.
Everyday is so filled with all sorts of new things to learn for him and me. It's so amazing to watch his interest in the simplest things grow. An example would be, staring at my stainless steel water bottle, and when I bring it close enough for him to touch, he does just that for a good long time. Holdyn is also very strong, his legs are getting pretty big (in length and girth!). He LOVES standing up while being held, and his new thing is to go from lying on his back, grasping both my thumbs up to sitting, and then to standing. I don't know if that is normal for all 3 month olds, but he LOVES it!
WOWZA, being mom to a living child RULES!
I haven't really written about how it feels, I have been so amazed that I have this opportunity. What an opportunity it is. Everyday, I am so blessed to wake up next to my little miracle babe, to nourish and teach him. I used to wonder how I would be able to do this...
But I AM.
I AM and it is bringing me such joy. Not to say that I don't have my moments when I have tried EVERYTHING and the poor little guy is still crying and frustrated and pouting, how heartbreaking! That is not a complaint by the way, I am still just a mom who is learning how to keep my baby calm and happy. As you know I didn't get to learn about this before.
Sorry for the delay in getting photos up from last week, I might have to get them up friday, with this weeks photos.
Oh, and for those who are interested, Massachusetts has just passed a law to protect nursing moms! FINALLY! You can read all about it right HERE
OK, I am tired, time to go to sleep and cuddle up to my babe! Holdyn is already totally OUT!
goodnight.
Holdyn, he is the little baby that could.
He is the little baby that made it, he lived through his birth, he was able to to born kicking and screaming.
Everyday is so filled with all sorts of new things to learn for him and me. It's so amazing to watch his interest in the simplest things grow. An example would be, staring at my stainless steel water bottle, and when I bring it close enough for him to touch, he does just that for a good long time. Holdyn is also very strong, his legs are getting pretty big (in length and girth!). He LOVES standing up while being held, and his new thing is to go from lying on his back, grasping both my thumbs up to sitting, and then to standing. I don't know if that is normal for all 3 month olds, but he LOVES it!
WOWZA, being mom to a living child RULES!
I haven't really written about how it feels, I have been so amazed that I have this opportunity. What an opportunity it is. Everyday, I am so blessed to wake up next to my little miracle babe, to nourish and teach him. I used to wonder how I would be able to do this...
But I AM.
I AM and it is bringing me such joy. Not to say that I don't have my moments when I have tried EVERYTHING and the poor little guy is still crying and frustrated and pouting, how heartbreaking! That is not a complaint by the way, I am still just a mom who is learning how to keep my baby calm and happy. As you know I didn't get to learn about this before.
Sorry for the delay in getting photos up from last week, I might have to get them up friday, with this weeks photos.
Oh, and for those who are interested, Massachusetts has just passed a law to protect nursing moms! FINALLY! You can read all about it right HERE
OK, I am tired, time to go to sleep and cuddle up to my babe! Holdyn is already totally OUT!
goodnight.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Babylost Quilting
In thinking really deeply about this re-making of "old" baby blankets into new pieces, art pieces if you will. Not only will these objects become quilts, they will become an interwoven monument to the babies whom we love and miss, our children who forever live within our hearts. And so, I feel that it is only right to put out a call to all of you, if you would grant upon me the honor of including a small portion of a baby blanket that was meant for your dear sweet one. The idea for how I will be putting this all together is still rough in my head, but I need to get started as there is a show that I very much want to submit at least 2 quilts to. The deadline to drop off work is Jan. 25th, and so I need to get started asap. I am open to the size portion that you would be willing to share with me, though it would be great if your portion was no smaller than 4x4inches. If you are interested in taking part in this please email me, I would need to have your baby blanket piece by Jan 12th.
birdiebunnymama@gmail.com
I am planning to hand sew all pieces together. Eventually as this project progresses I will embroider each baby's name and birthday upon their section/portion of the quilt.
That is the rough idea. I hope that you will join me in the process, and allow me the honor or remembering your sweet little one(s).
peace and love to you.
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
In thinking really deeply about this re-making of "old" baby blankets into new pieces, art pieces if you will. Not only will these objects become quilts, they will become an interwoven monument to the babies whom we love and miss, our children who forever live within our hearts. And so, I feel that it is only right to put out a call to all of you, if you would grant upon me the honor of including a small portion of a baby blanket that was meant for your dear sweet one. The idea for how I will be putting this all together is still rough in my head, but I need to get started as there is a show that I very much want to submit at least 2 quilts to. The deadline to drop off work is Jan. 25th, and so I need to get started asap. I am open to the size portion that you would be willing to share with me, though it would be great if your portion was no smaller than 4x4inches. If you are interested in taking part in this please email me, I would need to have your baby blanket piece by Jan 12th.
birdiebunnymama@gmail.com
I am planning to hand sew all pieces together. Eventually as this project progresses I will embroider each baby's name and birthday upon their section/portion of the quilt.
That is the rough idea. I hope that you will join me in the process, and allow me the honor or remembering your sweet little one(s).
peace and love to you.
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
3 Months
Wow. Holdyn you are 3 months and 2 days old...
Thought I have not let the time with you slip through my fingers easily, time and days have passed. You are growing so beautifully. I can't believe just 3 months ago you were born and how small you were! Now, I think you are around 15 lbs and you are so tall for a baby your age. There is no question you are thriving.
Holdyn to finally have you here, and alive amazes me over and over everyday. Being able to hold your warm body close, to feel and hear you breathe is just so lovely. I love watching you sleep, you still smile in your sleep as you did when you were newly born. You also still like to sleep with a a hand on or near your face, along your chin or by one cheek and sometimes straight up by your head. Your just darling my love.
In the last few days you have started to coo and smille and laugh so much more, and you have also started sticking out your toungue and giggling about it! It's really so adorable, and so we do the same to you and then you really laugh about it.
You are an everyday miracle Holdyn. You bring so much joy and love to our hearts and into our home. You are our home.
Wow. Holdyn you are 3 months and 2 days old...
Thought I have not let the time with you slip through my fingers easily, time and days have passed. You are growing so beautifully. I can't believe just 3 months ago you were born and how small you were! Now, I think you are around 15 lbs and you are so tall for a baby your age. There is no question you are thriving.
Holdyn to finally have you here, and alive amazes me over and over everyday. Being able to hold your warm body close, to feel and hear you breathe is just so lovely. I love watching you sleep, you still smile in your sleep as you did when you were newly born. You also still like to sleep with a a hand on or near your face, along your chin or by one cheek and sometimes straight up by your head. Your just darling my love.
In the last few days you have started to coo and smille and laugh so much more, and you have also started sticking out your toungue and giggling about it! It's really so adorable, and so we do the same to you and then you really laugh about it.
You are an everyday miracle Holdyn. You bring so much joy and love to our hearts and into our home. You are our home.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
A Happier New Year.
As I sit here right now my beautiful little miracle fast asleep beside me. My heart is so very warm and a glow with love, joy and peace. This sweet little being has found his way into the broken shattered dark shadows of my weary heart. While my heart will always have spaces that won't ever heal, this little boy is mending this Mamas soul. How will I ever be able to explain to him how very precious he truly is to me, to us. Such a blessing is he, such a healing presense is he. I am totally lost in the love I feel for my son, and I will continue to lose myself until the day I die.
My last post was harsh, I know. But I was feeling so upset and dissapointed in my not recognizing that not only do I behold this living child on this holiday meant for children, but that I have not forgotten my daughter. I just found it heartbreaking to not have heard myself say her name on that day, nor anyone else. I felt as if she was a forgotten little spirit. I am really good on being hard on myself sometimes, and I was when I realized what I had forgot.
If it was not for our sweet little Birdie, this little man would probably not be here right now, today. Thus, I must always remember my little bird.
I am feeling very optimistic for this new year, very optimistic and full of motivation to get my artwork going again. I am going to push myself to work out of my "safe" mode of artmaking via photographs. The time has come for me to dive back into where I was when I graduated from art school and take some risks. This may all sounds very abstract to you, but it all makes perfect sense in my own mind. My first new adventure, crazy quilting & embroidering on them! But before I can get started with that I have to learn how to embroider! So, my first purchase of the year, shall be a beginning embroidery book. Happy New Year to me!
I want to extend my wishes to you all for a happy new year...
My wish is that you are able to find a sense of peace even if it is only small of for a short time, may love fill you and overflow from your heart, may you be blessed with new beginnings and new life.
With so much love,
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
As I sit here right now my beautiful little miracle fast asleep beside me. My heart is so very warm and a glow with love, joy and peace. This sweet little being has found his way into the broken shattered dark shadows of my weary heart. While my heart will always have spaces that won't ever heal, this little boy is mending this Mamas soul. How will I ever be able to explain to him how very precious he truly is to me, to us. Such a blessing is he, such a healing presense is he. I am totally lost in the love I feel for my son, and I will continue to lose myself until the day I die.
My last post was harsh, I know. But I was feeling so upset and dissapointed in my not recognizing that not only do I behold this living child on this holiday meant for children, but that I have not forgotten my daughter. I just found it heartbreaking to not have heard myself say her name on that day, nor anyone else. I felt as if she was a forgotten little spirit. I am really good on being hard on myself sometimes, and I was when I realized what I had forgot.
If it was not for our sweet little Birdie, this little man would probably not be here right now, today. Thus, I must always remember my little bird.
I am feeling very optimistic for this new year, very optimistic and full of motivation to get my artwork going again. I am going to push myself to work out of my "safe" mode of artmaking via photographs. The time has come for me to dive back into where I was when I graduated from art school and take some risks. This may all sounds very abstract to you, but it all makes perfect sense in my own mind. My first new adventure, crazy quilting & embroidering on them! But before I can get started with that I have to learn how to embroider! So, my first purchase of the year, shall be a beginning embroidery book. Happy New Year to me!
I want to extend my wishes to you all for a happy new year...
My wish is that you are able to find a sense of peace even if it is only small of for a short time, may love fill you and overflow from your heart, may you be blessed with new beginnings and new life.
With so much love,
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
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