Every Moment IS An Opportunity to Love
This I do believe. Even when my life has gone on without loving my girl, she reminds me that every EVERY moment is an opportunity to love. Tonight, I had the rare luxury of reading one of my favorite blogs MereMortal and there Leigh was speaking to each moment as an opportunity to love, reminding me once again to stay in the moment, to love, to share love, to give love, to show love.
I feel this month slipping through my fingers, like the ending pages of a book, slowly and carefully I flip the last 2 pages. I think about all of the missed opportunities to love my girl in the flesh, and I pack all these moments, all the missed time, all the missed memories and I pour it ALL into my love for my sweet boy. I want to fill him up with all of the love that naturally pours forth from me for him, and then all the love that his big sister has missed earthside.
Holdyn is the greatest opportunity to love, he is all, he is everything, he is total and complete love.
As I watch him grow everyday, I see his understanding of love. How he interacts with his Papa and I. The way he snuggles in to me, letting me know that it is time to nurse. The way he places a gentle hand upon my breast to feel the warmth of my skin. I can't get enough of my boy. He brings such joy, such deep aching love to my heart.
Every Moment IS An Opportunity To Love
Alas, here we are on this 30th day of March 2010 on what would have been Birdie's 3rd year of life, her 3rd year of living and learning to love the world. Her month is nearly over and come April I will begin the countdown again.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
New Shoes.
Today, today. Today is March 10, 2010, today Birdie would have been 3 years and one week old. Today, 3 years ago she would have been one week old. Instead, instead her spirit was flying free all around us, her body had become ash and we had begun the dreaded process of intense grief.
Today, today. March 10, 2010 my dear sweet miracle boy got his first pair of shoes (real sturdy exploration type shoes!). I couldn't let him walk around in his winter boots any longer, or his wool booties. No, it's spring here (pretty much), and he is ALL ABOUT being outside, walking around (and riding on the bike with me), exploring.
His curiosity is contagious, it is so beautiful to watch his explorations. I just love to give him as much space as he needs...until he starts heading for the street!
Holdyn is a lover of the outdoors, there is no question about this and he is helping me to regain my love of the outdoors too. It's amazing what he finds interesting when we walk around the neighborhood or in the forest. Sticks, rocks, dirt, leaves, bark of a tree etc. He doesn't need toys, all he needs are things found in the natural world, right outside his door. Its beautiful, so beautiful to watch him bloom and blossom in this way.
Tonight, I am thankful for the beautiful weather that has allowed his curiosity to run wild, I am thankful for our home (near the forest, parks, bike path), for a very hard-working husband whom I love so dearly...and for the comfortable bed (and pillow) that soon I will lay my tired body and head down upon and curl up next to my dear, sweet boy. My Holdyn.
Today, today. Today is March 10, 2010, today Birdie would have been 3 years and one week old. Today, 3 years ago she would have been one week old. Instead, instead her spirit was flying free all around us, her body had become ash and we had begun the dreaded process of intense grief.
Today, today. March 10, 2010 my dear sweet miracle boy got his first pair of shoes (real sturdy exploration type shoes!). I couldn't let him walk around in his winter boots any longer, or his wool booties. No, it's spring here (pretty much), and he is ALL ABOUT being outside, walking around (and riding on the bike with me), exploring.
His curiosity is contagious, it is so beautiful to watch his explorations. I just love to give him as much space as he needs...until he starts heading for the street!
Holdyn is a lover of the outdoors, there is no question about this and he is helping me to regain my love of the outdoors too. It's amazing what he finds interesting when we walk around the neighborhood or in the forest. Sticks, rocks, dirt, leaves, bark of a tree etc. He doesn't need toys, all he needs are things found in the natural world, right outside his door. Its beautiful, so beautiful to watch him bloom and blossom in this way.
Tonight, I am thankful for the beautiful weather that has allowed his curiosity to run wild, I am thankful for our home (near the forest, parks, bike path), for a very hard-working husband whom I love so dearly...and for the comfortable bed (and pillow) that soon I will lay my tired body and head down upon and curl up next to my dear, sweet boy. My Holdyn.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
And so she flies.
I can still remember, when the nurse came in to ask what Birdie's name was for her birth certificate. It was the afternoon of March 3 and we hadn't chosen a name for our dead daughter. We had planned to wait to meet our baby before we made such a decision, it needed to be the right name.
Without a second though, Matt looked up at the nurse with tears in his eyes (he was holding Birdie) and he said "Birdie". It was perfect. So right.
Birdie had been her nickname from early in my 3rd trimester. We were lying in bed, feeling her kick and move when I said "Birdie", that shall be the babies nickname. And so it stuck, and then became a most beautiful, most fitting name.
Birdie, she flew away on March 3, 2007. As I lay on the operating table, I watched her go as I gasped for air. The white that filled my eyes, a most pure and true shade of brightest white was her, and as I lay there thinking that I was dying...she was leaving my body. Her sweet spirit, her beautiful peaceful soul was sending my body a message. A message that it wasn't my time to go, that I was meant to stay, to stay with my family. To create another beautiful life, and there she is, present in her brother every single day. Birdie is a part of the love that created him, she is a part of the love that I feel from him. She is a part of the love that radiates our family, that keeps me wanting to be close to Holdyn...
Loving you Birdie, missing you always.
I can still remember, when the nurse came in to ask what Birdie's name was for her birth certificate. It was the afternoon of March 3 and we hadn't chosen a name for our dead daughter. We had planned to wait to meet our baby before we made such a decision, it needed to be the right name.
Without a second though, Matt looked up at the nurse with tears in his eyes (he was holding Birdie) and he said "Birdie". It was perfect. So right.
Birdie had been her nickname from early in my 3rd trimester. We were lying in bed, feeling her kick and move when I said "Birdie", that shall be the babies nickname. And so it stuck, and then became a most beautiful, most fitting name.
Birdie, she flew away on March 3, 2007. As I lay on the operating table, I watched her go as I gasped for air. The white that filled my eyes, a most pure and true shade of brightest white was her, and as I lay there thinking that I was dying...she was leaving my body. Her sweet spirit, her beautiful peaceful soul was sending my body a message. A message that it wasn't my time to go, that I was meant to stay, to stay with my family. To create another beautiful life, and there she is, present in her brother every single day. Birdie is a part of the love that created him, she is a part of the love that I feel from him. She is a part of the love that radiates our family, that keeps me wanting to be close to Holdyn...
Loving you Birdie, missing you always.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
3
3 is a magic number. We number 3 in this house, although we should number 4, 4 should be our magic number.
It's cold today, it's snowing. Conditions that remind me of the early morning of March 3, 2007 when we rushed (tried to rush despite the icy car windshield and roads) to the hospital.
Feeling low, feeling blue, trying to keep a smile as I think of the 9 months she was alive within me, wanting to smile because sweet Holdyn revives my soul.
How did we get here, to this day, 3 years later? We persevered so much trauma, so much dark mucky grief.
3 is a magic number. We number 3 in this house, although we should number 4, 4 should be our magic number.
It's cold today, it's snowing. Conditions that remind me of the early morning of March 3, 2007 when we rushed (tried to rush despite the icy car windshield and roads) to the hospital.
Feeling low, feeling blue, trying to keep a smile as I think of the 9 months she was alive within me, wanting to smile because sweet Holdyn revives my soul.
How did we get here, to this day, 3 years later? We persevered so much trauma, so much dark mucky grief.
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