15 Weeks

15 weeks, how many days does this equal too? I have to really sit and do the math, it's too difficult for me really even comprehend that we have gotten to this point. Still, here we ARE. As I sit here right now, on our bed, sweet little Holdyn in lying beside me his breath calm and peaceful as he sleeps. I feel like I need to pinch myself right now, to really know that this is not a dream, that my beautiful living child, my son is indeed here with me. Oh he is just so sweet, so very sleepy and warm.

Today we had a really fun afternoon. There was a local children's concert with Uncle Rock, and so we took our little Holdyn to his first LIVE music concert! For the first few songs he was fast asleep in the carrier, as he didn't sleep much in the morning. I decided to gently take him out of the carrier, to slowly wake him so that he could see the environment he was in and the performance. He was wide eyed, and clearly interested in all that he was seeing and hearing. There was lots of singing along and call and response, so me and Matt were very into it. We had a blast!



Holdyn is very responsive to music and movement/dance already, as I/we sing to him ALL the time and the singing is almost always accompanied by dancing with him in our arms or in a carrier. Actually Holdyn's new thing is not wanting to nurse while sitting in the rocker lying across the nursing pillow...he has begun to prefer to have me standing up dancing/rocking/singing/nursing him! I really love doing this, however he is getting heavy! =)

For my most recent birthday Matt got me a BEAUTIFUL Gretch guitar, it sort of resembles a blues guitar. It's just lovely! For the longest time I hadn't been playing/practicing. Partly because my belly got too big and we didn't have a tuner or amp! Well, we have a temporary sort of amp and I got a cheap but great tuner and have been taking the guitar out almost everyday and playing for Holdyn. Really I don't know what I am doing yet, but I love the sound of my guitar and so does Holdyn. I sit him in my lap and he likes to touch and hold onto the neck of the guitar as I strum and attempt to play a few chords. In March I am we are going to be taking a Music Together class and I am so excited! We really want music to be a big part of his life, not just listening, but playing it and singing! I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn about learning instruments when I was young, now I see how much I missed out on! Although, the clarinet was kind of boring.

WOW I am rambling on here! OK, so I have photos from 13 weeks and 14, I have to get the 15 week ones of my camera still. Maybe tomorrow I will have a chance at that. For now, here you go. Our sweet little man for you all to see.


13 Weeks






14 Weeks





p.s. the play gym that Holdyn is playing with HE LOVES THE HECK OUTTA IT! I splurged and got this for him, its made in Germany, its completely NON-TOXIC, all wood with a natural (beeswax) finish, non-toxic paints. I trust absolutely NOTHING that comes from China, even the clothing made there is toxic. I just read an article last week about how the baby/children's clothes from there is treated with formaldehyde to preserve it for shipping overseas! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me? That shit is fucked! So, NO nothing for this boy is coming from China, no toys, no clothes NOTHING. Besides, I never felt comfortable with the idea of plastic/fabric/any toys that come from there. Plastic toys are toxic anyways. So, although the natural/wood toys may be more $$$, it gives us peace of mind, and they will last a good long time! The same goes for organic clothes, they cost a bit more, but it is worth it. They are better for baby, and better for the environment. I don't give a flying fuck if I sound like a crazy mama with all this concern, I feel that I am just being super mindful of my son's health and the health of the planet. Everyone has to do their part, and Holdyn is one tiny addition to this planet's population, if he and we can lessen the impact that he makes via, cloth diapers, natural toys and organic clothes that we will do it! Plus, it will in turn make him a more conscious little boy and maybe he will grow up to be a conservationist or something like that! Dammit now I have really rambled. Sorry!

The Little Baby That Could

Holdyn, he is the little baby that could.

He is the little baby that made it, he lived through his birth, he was able to to born kicking and screaming.

Everyday is so filled with all sorts of new things to learn for him and me. It's so amazing to watch his interest in the simplest things grow. An example would be, staring at my stainless steel water bottle, and when I bring it close enough for him to touch, he does just that for a good long time. Holdyn is also very strong, his legs are getting pretty big (in length and girth!). He LOVES standing up while being held, and his new thing is to go from lying on his back, grasping both my thumbs up to sitting, and then to standing. I don't know if that is normal for all 3 month olds, but he LOVES it!

WOWZA, being mom to a living child RULES!

I haven't really written about how it feels, I have been so amazed that I have this opportunity. What an opportunity it is. Everyday, I am so blessed to wake up next to my little miracle babe, to nourish and teach him. I used to wonder how I would be able to do this...

But I AM.

I AM and it is bringing me such joy. Not to say that I don't have my moments when I have tried EVERYTHING and the poor little guy is still crying and frustrated and pouting, how heartbreaking! That is not a complaint by the way, I am still just a mom who is learning how to keep my baby calm and happy. As you know I didn't get to learn about this before.

Sorry for the delay in getting photos up from last week, I might have to get them up friday, with this weeks photos.

Oh, and for those who are interested, Massachusetts has just passed a law to protect nursing moms! FINALLY! You can read all about it right HERE

OK, I am tired, time to go to sleep and cuddle up to my babe! Holdyn is already totally OUT!

goodnight.

Why Boxers RULE!

This was sent to me from a dear boxer rescue friend...

Babylost Quilting

In thinking really deeply about this re-making of "old" baby blankets into new pieces, art pieces if you will. Not only will these objects become quilts, they will become an interwoven monument to the babies whom we love and miss, our children who forever live within our hearts. And so, I feel that it is only right to put out a call to all of you, if you would grant upon me the honor of including a small portion of a baby blanket that was meant for your dear sweet one. The idea for how I will be putting this all together is still rough in my head, but I need to get started as there is a show that I very much want to submit at least 2 quilts to. The deadline to drop off work is Jan. 25th, and so I need to get started asap. I am open to the size portion that you would be willing to share with me, though it would be great if your portion was no smaller than 4x4inches. If you are interested in taking part in this please email me, I would need to have your baby blanket piece by Jan 12th.

birdiebunnymama@gmail.com

I am planning to hand sew all pieces together. Eventually as this project progresses I will embroider each baby's name and birthday upon their section/portion of the quilt.

That is the rough idea. I hope that you will join me in the process, and allow me the honor or remembering your sweet little one(s).

peace and love to you.
Erin

Birdie and Bunny's Mama

3 Months

Wow. Holdyn you are 3 months and 2 days old...

Thought I have not let the time with you slip through my fingers easily, time and days have passed. You are growing so beautifully. I can't believe just 3 months ago you were born and how small you were! Now, I think you are around 15 lbs and you are so tall for a baby your age. There is no question you are thriving.

Holdyn to finally have you here, and alive amazes me over and over everyday. Being able to hold your warm body close, to feel and hear you breathe is just so lovely. I love watching you sleep, you still smile in your sleep as you did when you were newly born. You also still like to sleep with a a hand on or near your face, along your chin or by one cheek and sometimes straight up by your head. Your just darling my love.

In the last few days you have started to coo and smille and laugh so much more, and you have also started sticking out your toungue and giggling about it! It's really so adorable, and so we do the same to you and then you really laugh about it.

You are an everyday miracle Holdyn. You bring so much joy and love to our hearts and into our home. You are our home.

A Happier New Year.

As I sit here right now my beautiful little miracle fast asleep beside me. My heart is so very warm and a glow with love, joy and peace. This sweet little being has found his way into the broken shattered dark shadows of my weary heart. While my heart will always have spaces that won't ever heal, this little boy is mending this Mamas soul. How will I ever be able to explain to him how very precious he truly is to me, to us. Such a blessing is he, such a healing presense is he. I am totally lost in the love I feel for my son, and I will continue to lose myself until the day I die.

My last post was harsh, I know. But I was feeling so upset and dissapointed in my not recognizing that not only do I behold this living child on this holiday meant for children, but that I have not forgotten my daughter. I just found it heartbreaking to not have heard myself say her name on that day, nor anyone else. I felt as if she was a forgotten little spirit. I am really good on being hard on myself sometimes, and I was when I realized what I had forgot.

If it was not for our sweet little Birdie, this little man would probably not be here right now, today. Thus, I must always remember my little bird.

I am feeling very optimistic for this new year, very optimistic and full of motivation to get my artwork going again. I am going to push myself to work out of my "safe" mode of artmaking via photographs. The time has come for me to dive back into where I was when I graduated from art school and take some risks. This may all sounds very abstract to you, but it all makes perfect sense in my own mind. My first new adventure, crazy quilting & embroidering on them! But before I can get started with that I have to learn how to embroider! So, my first purchase of the year, shall be a beginning embroidery book. Happy New Year to me!

I want to extend my wishes to you all for a happy new year...
My wish is that you are able to find a sense of peace even if it is only small of for a short time, may love fill you and overflow from your heart, may you be blessed with new beginnings and new life.

With so much love,
Erin

Birdie and Bunny's Mama

absent minded of Birdie.

I cried myself to sleep last night with my arms embracing and cuddling my sweet little Holdyn. I cried before I slept because I had forgotten to honor and remember someone very special to me on Christmas...Birdie.

WHAT THE FUCK!

How could I allow myself to become so lost and forget to even buy her a little gift? How could I allow everyone else to remain silent about her absence and not remember that she was missing from our celebration? How soon people forget. But SHIT, what the fuck is MY problem. I did nothing what so ever to honor my sweet little angel baby. I am reeling over this, I can't forgive myself for this one.

11 Weeks

Take a look at this little 11 week old...










Happy Holidays!

Holdyn Is Delicious (Holdyn at 2.5 Months nearly 11 Weeks)

Actually I feel like this an understatement. My beautiful little man is so much more than delicious, I can't quite think of the right word right now. Well, I knew it would happen...he is growing, he is getting more and more chubby and longer. It's sometimes hard for me to see this when I am with him all the time.

What a joy he is, my heart is pretty much all a flutter all the time. It really is amazing how much healing he has brought to my broken darkened heart. My mind feels much more clear since his birth, that curtain that began to rise and let in light around this time last year is now fully risen. The light that now resides in my heart is so bright and shining. I never thought I would be able to say that, or feel like I do. For me, time has brought healing, and through my second chance at pregnancy and giving birth I feel a renewal.

Holdyn is my radiant light, he is my healer.

In the last few weeks, and recent days he has begun to give big smiles, they are almost giggly sometimes. He is also cooing so beautifully, and he has been repeating a sound that sounds like "A Gee". It's really so sweet, I repeat it to him and he smiles so lovingly. Holdyn is also beginning to prefer to sit up and look around at different things, lights, photos, he really fixates on things and it's so neat to watch him in amazement. He's thriving. Holdyn is just such a content, happy, joyful little man! The only time he get's upset is sometimes at bedtime, he get's so mad and cries and cries. It breaks my heart. Sometimes rocking soothes him, sometimes bouncing and singing to him on the excercise ball works. What has worked for you?

10 Weeks

Holdyn Meets Santa...Holdyn Sleeps Through Meeting Santa

I'm On Demand, I Mean My Breasts Are...And I'm NOT Complaining!

I LOVE it! I Wouldn't have it ANY other way!

Today our little sweetheart is 10 weeks. He is so very yummy!

Holdyn is doing so well, he is such a thriving little baby. At his 2 month check-up he weighed in at 12lbs 3oz! He's just great, and so am I, I mean that I am feeling really good, and happy to be losing some weight!

I want to share with you something that has been eating at me a little for a while (no pun intended!). Every once in a while people in my life have made comments about my feeding Holdyn (or holding/wearing him so much). Usually just little comments like, "He's hungry again?", "He just ate". Or something like that. It's hard for me to hear these things, especially after losing Birdie. It's getting more annoying to have people asking me this. YES! he is hungry OK? I know the sounds, the cry and the grimace he makes when he's hungry. Yes, he gets to eat when he is hungry, yes maybe I am a human pacifier too, and that is OK! Hearing this has started to make me question my intuition and my mothering, and I don't want to be made to feel like this. He's my son and I will feed him on demand for as long as he wants to nurse. I will also wear/hold him as much as possible until he no longer wants to be! I will listen to my intuition about this, hell I will listen to my intuition about everything when it comes to Holdyn. It's heartbreaking to have my judgement questioned like that.

How do I nicely say this to someone? How do I remind them that I was robbed of all of this with Birdie? I feel like this alone should stop them from their comments or questioning. I am his mother, not you, and so I am making the right decisions for my sweet little baby.

Have you had to deal with this? How did you handle it calmy?

10 Week photos coming soon!

Sister and Brother

Their likeness is undeniable.

I have a lot on my mind these days. Birdie has nestled herself back into my thoughts, not that I had stopped thinking about her, no not at all. After Holdyn was born I was so beside myself with amazement that he was actually ALIVE and obviously my mind was overtaken with him. I am still in that AMAZED state of mind everyday and I probably always will be as long as I live. After many days of feeling a little confused about how to find a new way to integrate Birdie and Holdyn into my life, together as brother and sister I feel like it has happened, the puzzle piece is clicked into place. I can't really explain how it's working, I just know that it is.

By the way, Holdyn stares at pictures of Birdie. It's pretty amazing to see, he really fixates on her.

FYI, I am typing with TWO hands! Holdyn is right here with me, sleeping peacefully upon the nursing pillow right up close to me....the best place for him to be! I just can't get enough of him, he is just delish! I am still wearing him all the time, and I am so glad that we started wearing him when we did because he might not have gotten to like it. Anyways, he likes it so very much, how cuddly it is to be so close to each other, it's such a euphoric feeling for me. Not to mention how healing it feels and I know how nurturing and loving it is for my boy. Only the best for my boy! (PLUS, during the winter months aka "Cold Season", wearing him keeps him at a distance from people who might have yucky germs that could make him sick! Ahhhh baby wearing it ROCKS!!!)

What's kind of funny about wearing him is when we take Macy for a walk. We live in a small city that is shall I say...not so enlightened, or exposed to such things as baby wearing. So, I am sure when people see a big lump in my coat, they are lauphing or saying WTF is that, or what the hell is wrong with that woman? Anyway, I am speculating all of this of course, but I have gotten a few strange looks.

This past weekend we went and got a tree...you know the kind you hang ornaments on and put presents under? We didn't do the holidays last year, but this year we are happy to celebrate and be with family.

Here are some photos to feast on!