Gloomy, Dreary, Sad, Ugly Day.
When I woke up this morning I had a glimmer of hope that maybe today would not be as shitty as I had thought. It was gray outside, a little cool but still a good morning for talking Macy for a walk. I always enjoy taking her for a walk, I take that time to think a lot about so many things....Of course I mostly think about Birdie.
Anyway, we had a nice hour walk, not many people and not many cars out. It was quite, and kind of peaceful. My parents and my Nana were coming over for brunch (a big yummy vegan brunch that I prepared last night....so all I had to do today was put everything in the oven, and in the skillet!)
I was feeling ok about them coming over, though a little hesitant since getting an email from my mother explaining that she can't talk to me about Birdie. I am trying to understand this, really I am but it's a heart breaker. The person that I need to be able to talk with about Birdie, can't talk about Birdie. I am choosing to leave this alone. I accept that I will never have a close relationship with my mom.
So, my family (very small family of 4) came over, we had brunch....and they left a little while ago. All in all it was nice to see them, and I am glad there was no big to-do this year.
Oh, and I forgot to mention a message that I got this morning on my voice mail. It was a message from someone whom I used to call a friend, and recently thought I no longer could. It was a message from "my old dear friend", who I will refer to as "Shelby". There is a long story behind this friendship. Basically she had been my best friend since middle school. In her 20's she moved to the other side of the country, still we were close, although we talked not as often. We had the kind of friendship where you dreamt together about when each other gets married, having children etc. You get the picture.
Well, after Birdie died. My father called her and asked if she could come home. Telling her that I needed her (because I did!). It had been some time since I had talked to her, but she knew I had been pregnant....and now she knew that our child had died. She told my father she would get to us as soon as she could. I spoke to her the day after we got home from hospital (i think). She then told me that she was not going to be coming (she was supposed to fly in that night)....that she got bumped from her flight and got 2 round trip tickets for it. I was devastated.
I still don't know if she was telling me the truth. It was wierd to talk to her so soon after Birdie died, the tone of her voice was strange to me. Like she was not fully comprehending how important it was that she come to be with us. It was strange.
Anyways, today I get a voicemail from her (i haven't talked to her since that day i just spoke of - nearly 9 months ago!) saying that she has moved back to MA. She has moved back and that she wants to get together.
Wow. I pondered about that the whole time I was walking Macy this morning. What do I do with this....I want to call her back. I still care about Shelby very much, but I thought that our friendship was done. I really did, since I would email her sometimes trying to reach out for her support that way....because she never called me, never told me she had made plans to fly out like she said she would. I would text her from my cell phone, sending photos and messages. Anything to make contact. I never heard a peep.
I am lost with this. I am not the person she used to know. I am not the person who used to cause trouble with her......I am even more quite and delicate than ever. She is more "upbeat" than me for sure. How do I explain to her what has transpired in the last almost 9 months....how our life (me and matt's) has changed. She likes small talk and shooting the shit.....I don't. I don't care for small talk, or shopping at the mall, or (excuse me Niobe).....going to starbucks 3 times a day. I am exasurating a little here, but the point is. How do I re-introduce this person into my life. A life that is very different, a reality that is very different from hers.
I have been thrown for a loop here and I don't know what to do with it.
I am tempted to just call her up and say, yeah lets talk. Then again, I don't think that she will like my topic of conversation. I want her to know what happened, I want to tell her all about Birdie, and all the hard grief work we have done, and show her all of the photos.
I did not intend to write that much about this.
I also wanted to say that when I got the news about my friend who's baby was born safely. I also with that news heard sad news about another close friends sister. This friends sister had been trying to get pregnant, then they had to seek IVF (i believe), got pregnant....and have just lost the pregnancy. She was three months along.....I am so sad for her and her wonderful partner. I have been thinking about them all day. Please in your own way, send along your thoughts and prayers to them and there sweet babe.
Too much sadness has transpired in this year...I cannot take any more.
10 comments:
I am thinking of you and Matt and Birdie and hoping and wishing and praying for peace for you today. I am so sorry you are spending today without Birdie.
I will be thinking of you and yours, and anyone else who is suffering now.
As for the friend, I say you meet up with her. Be honest and explain that you are starting over in a way, and just see how things go. You don't owe her anything more than that.
I'm sure the thought of opening yourself up to this friend when she has disappointed you in the past is difficult. I've put up many walls in my lifetime and it's hard to tear them down when they are up...especially when you feel vulnerable already.
I agree with hlharts though, maybe just give it a go. You'll learn very quickly whether she will remain a constant in your life or whether it's time to let the friendship go.
Hello sweet goddess woman,
I am so sorry about your mother. Those disappointments are so hard (I know). They have also made me a much better mother than mine was or is.
As for the friend thing, it is hard. She let you know who she is and that is someone not capable of being there for you when it mattered. She is very likely still that same person. She also likely has a lot of guilt. My advice (and let's be clear I am a cyber stranger friend so I know little) is to call her or meet if you are really up to it, and just hear what she wants to say. I would not say anything but just listen. Then react accordingly but as for sharing all you have been through I doubt she will give you what you want. I just would not want you to listen to her and forgive her if she asks and go out of your way emotionally to make her feel better for hurting and letting you down only to then take your moment to share your heart and sorrow with her and have her do the disappearing act or some other such thing. If she is calling to assuage her own guilt then it is still about her, if she is only truly interested in how you are and being there then great, but for your own peace try to get clear with which if you can.
I hope I haven't come across all bitter or negative. I have been through this, over and over in my life with people, and it is only recently I have started to notice it with any real clarity or perspective. I have this urge to try and spare you even one iota more sorrow if humanly possible.
Much love and peace
Bleu
I have had 'friends' like this. I'm never sure how to cope with it. I always want to tell them what I think, then at the last minute I just end up shutting up and putting up.
I find it easier to do that, but Bleu is right it does cause much sorrow. It's hard to turn the other cheek constantly and although we are not supposed to expect things in return for our kindness it is hard not to. I don't think getting support from a friend at a time in need is expecting too much.
With hard decisions like these I tend to let it be for a while, I try not to think about it too much. Then eventually I just know what is the right thing to do for me.
I'm sorry to hear about your friends sister. I too am sick of hearing bad news.
C x
I truly don't know what I would do with this situation with your friend. I think I would find it hard to forgive the total silence. Especially when you needed her so much. But that's just me.
I am with you on the too much sadness front--I don't think I can take much more either.
I'm glad Thanksgiving was a peaceful event for you. But I am sorry that your Mom is unable to talk to you about Birdie. It shouldn't be like this, but I am learning that this is not unusual. We need our family all the more when this happens--not less. And it's such a disappointment when they let us down.
I am so sorry about the email from your mom. How heartbreaking. I wish I could make people understand how much we need them, how much a lot of us want to be able to talk openly about our babies.
As for your friend, I don't know. This is tough for me, as I personally have let most of my friendships trail off since my loss. Even those that did somewhat try to be there for me. It is what you said, I am not the same person, with the same interests in what they want to talk about, and it was too, too hard for me to fake in the first months after M's death. I felt/feel like a stranger with people I used to know so well. And like I said, that is people who were reaching out to me. Honestly, in this case, I can't help but think she made her bed with her silence.
I wish Birdie was here with you this holiday, I missed M terribly yesterday.
Hey Girl,
I guess we're both having issues with email addresses. I tried to track your's down, but I can't seem to find it either. Oh goodness! Anyway, my email is meagangray@hotmail.com
When I called, it was during H's nap so you wouldn't have to hear her. That's why it's been so hard for me to call. I usually try to get the boy's schooling done during that time, but I finally decided that some things can wait, but calling you was important. I also didn't call for so long because I knew I would start to cry when I heard your voice. I just didn't think that it was my place to be crying, and you having to deal with it. So I waited until I felt like I could hold it together long enough to tell you how much I love you, and to hear your story. I'll be hear waiting :)
love,
Meg
You story with your long time friend sounds so familiar with mine.
I got a text message on my phone from here, but am thinking that it was a mass message.
But she proved that she was not there for me (she was currently living 15 min down the road and did not make it to the memorial, nor ever came over...once I called her crying and she was not there either)
She had been my friend for a long time....but I do not have room in my life for people who I care about and are there for and they are NOT there for me.
I don't know what you should do, but how can you ever forgive her for not being there for you? My entire playgroup showed up for the memorial..and I've only known these ladies for a year or less!!
k...
okay, I'm done rambling.
take care!
i think it's hard for some people to process or 'be there' for people during times of great loss.
speaking for myself, as much as i UNDERSTAND in my brain that the important thing is just to BE there for a friend, it's also very easy to rationalize that well, you've been out of touch, whatever, you'd just be in the way.
having bed in a similar situation following a loss of a close friend, i just had to give the relationships time and space. and each of us evolved and became different women. when my friend reached out to me, i took the chance and now we're great friends again. but different: we're great ADULT friends with a nice history dating back to when we were 3 years old.
anyhoo: it's tough, i know. i feel for you. and i hope that you're friend is able to give you the love and support you need.
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