I'm Not Always Who I Appear To Be
Tonight I met with a very kind and gently loss mama who's dear sweet girl died in October. She reminds me so much of where I was nearly 3 years ago, and as we spoke I couldn't believe where I am now. Can it really be, nearly 3 years since our Bird flew from us?
For many months now I have been feeling a great distance from my connection to Birdie, and I have been feeling a great amount of guilt. How could I let this happen? How can I bring myself to re-connect to that place within me? That deep well of a once shattered heart that became healed through the miraculous birth of a miracle named Holdyn...it still remains somewhat cracked.
Speaking with this very sweet babylost mama brought me back to places that I haven't been able to tap into for a very long time. To share each others stories felt really good, to cry together, to see the photos of her beautiful girl...
Meeting this mama was so important, and I hope that we will become great friends and perhaps I can help her find her way through the treacherous grief journey as my dear friend Carol helped me starting back in March of 2007, when I first called her and said, "I'm Erin, Birdie's Mama".
The title of this post, it is something that I have been pondering very heavily tonight. As I sit here, on my couch, excited for yet another new day with my sweet boy that I am sure will begin shortly after dawn. That I am not always who I appear to be...this is true. It seems easy I think though for people in my community of mothers to forget sometimes, where I am coming from. Holdyn and I have blended ourselves into the normalcy of our community of weekly Mama/Baby groups. At times I am just so sad about this because obviously, I have a child with me, but when we are asked to introduce ourselves I do not mention that I also have another child, a daughter who died and her name is Birdie.
I love the community that we are blending ourselves into, but as March begins it's approach I worry that my babylost mama self might rear her head if I hear someone complain, or say something that pisses me off. I will try not to sound off, I will try to remain composed and proper.
Why does it feel like I can't say that I am not only Holdyn's mama, but also Birdie's mama too? Why do I hide myself from my every day, every minute reality? The loss is ALWAYS with me, ALWAYS. Even if you can't see it, this is who I am and who I will always be.
Truly though, I am not always who I appear to be (and the woman standing next to you in line at the coffee shop might not either).
6 comments:
Erin, have you tried saying you are Birdie's mama too? I often shied away from mentioning Henry, not because I worried about how others might feel, but because I worried how their reactions might make me feel or what I would say next. Maybe I just got lucky a few times, but I had a string of responses that made me more comfortable talking about him. Maybe your experience has been different.
But you are always Birdie AND Holdyn's mama to me (that is literally how you are listed in my address book).
Hi Erin,
I think you write so honest and that is so good. I know I can't speak for myself not having lost my own child but I remember people asking my sister. She lost her child at one year and has four other living. People would ask her how many kids she had, she would say five, sometimes it called for an explanation and sometimes not. I think for her she couldn't leave her daughter out of the count so to speak. But I do think it took time to answer that way, and I do think sometimes it depended on the situation what she would say. I don't mean to say you have to do what she does, I KNOW your Birdie is ALWAYS in your heart. I do think people forget somewhat where you were, your baby loss, but being Birdie's mother you never forget, not even if you wanted to not that you would.... I do think you are where you are because you allowed and still allow yourself to grieve but the grief has lightened some, you would not want to stay where you were when you first lost Birdie, she wouldn't want you to either. I truly believe that.... So sometimes I pick myself up for the ones I have lost. Mostly I just want to say you are a wonderful mommy to your Holdyn and to your Birdie, one lives in your home and one lives in your heart.
As someone who is often at Mama/Baby groups with you, but who is not a babylost mama, I want to say that:
a. I hope you know that you would be more than welcome to share that you also have a daughter named Birdie who died when doing introductions (and please let me know, as someone who leads some meetings, if there would be a more inclusive way for me to ask people to introduce themselves and their children).
and
b. Yes, Birdie IS always with you, even if you don't mention her. Perhaps her presence is not apparent to everyone, but I am always aware of it. I always think of you as a second-time mom, as someone who has been through pregnancy and birth twice, as someone wise beyond most of our (the other mothers') mothering experiences for all that you have lived and lost.
and
c. I think it would be an enormous gift to all of the mothers in our community if you were to increase awareness about babyloss and the lessons that loving and losing Birdie have taught you, in whatever small or big way feels comfortable.
and
d. I also think it's absolutely fine if you want to simply blend in as Holdyn's Mama and feel/appear "just like everyone else."
XO
WHEN ASKED HOW MANY GRANDCHILDREN I HAVE I ALWAYS SAY TWO. AND THAT WE LOST MY PRECIOUS GRANDDAUGHTER DURING DELIVERY. THAT SAYS IT ALL. I ALWAYS AND FOREVER WILL INCLUDE OUR BIRDIE.
LOVE YA BIRDIE AND HOLDYN'S
GRANDMA
This is such a beautiful piece that you've written, and I wanted to say I appreciated you bringing up your loss yesterday as part of your discussion of your parenting experience with Holdyn. I listened to your Storycorps today and read your blog. Thank you for sharing who you are and your experience, I think it's so important and it's really helped me with my sister & brother in law & their loss.
lots of love,
Lauren
p.s. I think Grandma Long's post is wonderful.
erin,
your mama-relationship to birdie likely changes just as any mama relationship changes through the years. it shifts and morphs and circles back in on itself. this signals to me how deeply connected you were and are to her.
and whatever comes out of you this march is YOU, authentic and real and raw and it's who we all love and honor.
yes, thank you for the reminder as I've just recently been pondering the same "I am not who I seem to be". It's quite amazing, isn't it? And it can go so many ways, in some many layers and depths and levels.
love ya, wise one.
you are a blessing.
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