2 Years

My boy, sweet snuggly delicious little Holdyn is now a 2 year old.

How did we get here? I can still feel the surge of adrenaline and hormones rushing through my body when I recall his birth. I can still feel that insanely intense pull for want of my baby to be right there with me as his lungs were quickly checked by the pediatrician immediately after birth...I can feel that rushing of tears, hot tears, tears of joy, tears of a most tremendous love for the baby that lived, our baby. Our MIRACLE, our Holdyn.

This tremendous boy, this bright, compassionate and empathetic boy, he has grown. I see the evidence of who he will become. I am passionately and patiently encouraging a child of wonder and joy...the freedom of exploration is molding him into a beautiful person, a self reliant and self confident boy. He is a lover of nature, of animals, of books of music. Surely, Holdyn is nothing short of AMAZING.

There is so much love poured into each day with my boy. There is the tremendous love that I have for him, and in addition the tremendous love for my Birdie. All of this love is just so huge that my words here will never properly be able to express or describe the true nature and size of the love that I behold for Holdyn.

Does this make any sense? What I want to say is that because of my loss, because of my first experience as a mama that I feel a doubling or layering of love for my boy. There was so much love that I never got to give to my girl...

Oh, my Holdyn my beloved one. You are so trusting of yourself, and of your world. To watch you play and experiment in nature is so very heartwarming and lovely. Your curiosity is so free and seemingly endless. You are teaching me so much, you are teaching me to follow my curiousities and re-embrace creative endevours...your gentle way, your gentle soul makes me want to be a better person and strive to become only the best most gentle mama that I can.

Your ability to speak in complete sentences is remarkable, you can count 1 to 10 (and then some), you can say the AbC's (which you do randomly at your leisure)...you recite humpty dumpty and little miss muffett among other nursery rymes and snippets from books and songs. Your intelligence is very apparent and reafirrming to me that simple choices we have made in raising you are being realized through your nature, your personality, your bright starlit way about you.

You speak of your sister, you speak of her in gentle ways...
At random you spoke of her a few weeks ago, "Birdie died" you repeated slowly and lovingly as we cooked dinner together. My heart melted as you spoke those words, and then we talked for a bit about Birdie.

You are a wise soul. You are my world Holdyn (of course Papa is too!), but without you here, now, I don't know who I would be...if I don't know how I would have been able to carry on with the weight of your sisters death. You, little you, you have brought great healing and joy to our family. You are a miracle of life, you are a wonder that I will forever ponder, and I will continue to snuggle and nuzzle you as a mama bear would her cub for as long as you will let me. I love you forever sweet Holdyn, you are my greatest wish come true.

Happy 2nd Birthday my love.
Mama