Today is a day of deep reflection, a day of heartbreak and heartache. A day that could have been filled with such joy, but today I find only sorrow.
I am brought back to my questions, the many, many questions of WHY?
Why, did our little girl have to die? Why was it all of us that had to suffer this great loss of life, a small innocent and short lived life. I am also thinking about how it felt that I too was to pass on with her, and was then revived. How I shared such beautiful moments with Birdie as she was leaving me, her soul filling mine and saying I love you and goodbye. Goodbye Mama, I love you.
Remembering the days were able to spend with her in hospital, those most precious hours that we were able to be together, the 3 of us as a family. Those days are forever cherished, those memories forever precious and sacred.
I don't really want to believe that there is a "lesson" we are meant to learn, I think that to see Birdie's death as a lessen somehow demeans that she ever existed. I think that the reason or reasons for her death came down to a few things, plainly there were mistakes made that night/early morning when her heart rate suddenly dropped.
The nurse at the Birth Center did NOT page both the OB on call and the CNM on call. No, she made a choice to ONLY page the CNM on call. She made that choice, why we will never know. She made a stupid choice that may have caused Birdie to die. Then there was all that time after we got to the hospital birth center....all that time...all that FUCKING TIME! The OB not being paged until we were already in the hospital birth center, and then the 30+ minutes that it took her to get to me waiting in the OR. Simply, too much time passed for Birdie who was not ok. She was in distress and she had no chance.
Even though I write these things about the mistakes made, and there being too much time, none of it matters! None of this matters a fucking ounce of anything. It matters none, because Birdie is dead!
What will our choices lead up to next time? I have been reading more and more about VBAC's and statistics about them, and hospital births and blah blah blah! It seems like any choice we make is a risk, hospitals DO MAKE MISTAKES and women and babies DO DIE IN HOSPITAL! So, what is the right choice for next time? What is the right choice for us, and for baby? How can we ever feel truly comfortable when homebirth failed us and hospital failed us and our baby daughter? How will we ever feel safe now? We have no safe place to birth now, do we? I have no trust in any choices before us. How can I trust in anything?
As time has moved forward, we continue to say yes to our grief, we take it in and ride it's waves. It is only in the last few months we can say that while our grief is still great and in the forefront, it is a little faded. We are functioning, we are living each day with a little less pain. "The curtain has lifted a little, and it is letting in light."
I think that we have both found our paths, our paths of how we live with Birdie wrapped into the layers of our being. How we embrace her within ourselves, within our being. Birdie has been so delicately woven into the tissues that cause our hearts to continue to beat, that cause our lives to continue. Birdie is living on inside of me, and inside of DH. She lives on so strongly. She is now the reason that I get out of bed everyday, sit down to work, go to the gym, eat healthy foods....I do everything for her because that is all I can do for her. All I can do is live my life feeling love for her, and loving her the only way I know how to, the only way I can. I daydream about her, I stare at her photographs and wonder what she would be doing right now. What little baby things would she be able to do, would she be smiling at me? Would she be grasping my finger, or pulling my hair? Would she be cooing away as she nursed at my breast?
All I can do is wonder where her spirit roams, and know that she is a beautiful spirit that brings light to other peoples hearts.
Birdie is the purest symbol of love that I have ever been graced with the honor of knowing. She will forever be pure, perfect, innocent, gentle and kind.
Birdie we love you so much, more and more with each sun that sets. You were and always will be our little bird. You are living on inside of us, you are living on inside of everyone that has been been graced by your pure beauty.
We love you ever so much darling little Birdie...
You are and always will be in our hearts and part of our life together.
With greatest and deepest love, Mama & Papa
21 comments:
"She has been so delicately woven into the tissues that cause our hearts to continue to beat." This is the most beautiful thing I read in a long time. I wish I could answer your, "why?". I don't know, but I still ask myself the very same thing. As far as the lesson goes, I don't think you are supposed to learn a lesson, and you are right, it does demean her existence and I wish people would stop saying it. I do think though that you change your life to make it more authentic and to honor Birdie. You do that wonderfully. My therapist says this is the way we parent our children, by making a positive impact in others' lives and our lives. I know you feel a lot of pain and anger about the home birth and subsequent hospital birth. It's natural, and you are right, you were let down in both places. I feel the same way about my ex-OB. You write about how this may affect a subsequent pregnancy. I don't know you well, but I do know subsequent pregnancy well, being 34.5 weeks into this one. IT'S HARD, but you do it because you love the baby you lost and you the dream you carry to bring a baby home. That is more powerful than any doubt and fear you have. There has recently come a time in this pregnancy that a lot of the fear is gone and I've felt a closeness to Jimmy I haven't felt in a long time. He is with me in the very way you wrote about above that I quoted. Sorry, this is the worlds longest post but I think you needed it. Birdie is so loved by you and DH, now and forever.
You are right, Birdie does live on so strongly in you and your dh. I think the same about M, it is the only way I go on.
As for feeling safe, there are no answers. Babies just die, in hospitals, at home, anywhere, and nobody can tell us why. I still feel so anger over this fact myself. Nothing can ever make pregnancy/birth safe for us again, we know too much. But your love for Birdie will help keep you strong, if you decide to conceive again. My strong love for my children, here, or not, keeps me going, and I know your love for Birdie is just as strong.
"she is a beautiful spirit that brings light to other peoples hearts."
She certainly is. Much love to you.
Fellow Mama's.
Thank you so much for all of your words, and your caring hearts. It means so much to hear from you when I do.
I hate that there are no answers...I hate feeling so let down and not knowing if the choices we make "next time" will be the right ones.
I do want to have some hope, I can feel it in there...maybe it will come to fruition when I do become pregnant again. Oh, how I am looking forward to that....I am, I am!
Sending you all my love.
Erin
Sweetheart, Birdie is a beautiful soul and she paints your life whether she is physically present or not. *hugs*
As I was reading your sad and beautiful post, I thought, Erin is absolutely right. There is no "lesson" to be learned from this. Instead there is only a "lessening" as our lives, our hopes, our world all become less because, as you put it, we "suffer this great loss of life, a small innocent and short lived life."
I had the same feeling about the whole lesson thing -- my baby was a person not a "lesson". Making her into a lesson kind of seems like suggesting she existed for my purpose, instead of giving her her own humanity.
I also had the same dilema when I had our next child two years later. My OB actually offered a V-Bac upfront. But after talking to SO many people who also lost their babies, and meeting many of them, I found that quite a few babies (maybe 7 or 8 out of about a couple of dozen) that I came in contact with might really have been saved with a more timely C-section. I never met or heard of anyone whose baby died because they choose a term planned C-section instead of a vaginal delivery. I know the c-section is more danger to the mom, but I didn't care. Yet I cannot deny having repeat c-section itsself was emotionally traumatic because my last one was done emergently, traumatically, and with an awful outcome. I could see how a Vbac would have been nicer.
We also lost our baby through the actions of the hospital, and decided to pursue it, and eventually prevailed, but that is another choice I would not wish on anyone. I sure know what you mean about the hospital no longer feeling like a safe environment -- (big reason why you wouldn't want a c-section, I'm sure) as soon as I had my baby, I was so out of there, didn't even go to follow up!
Thoughts of you today - what a sad, beautiful post... x
I'm sorry that was me - my profile is playing up. x
...and here come the tears.
Thinking of you guys today.
As for decisions...I think you will know when you get to that bridge.
After all, the best laid plans...
I'm kinda late, but I just wanted to say that 6 months was even harder for me than one year. At one year, you get cards and calls and flowers. Six months is an anniversary no one remembers. Except the parents, of course. I remember thinking how she'd be giggling and grabbing and trying to crawl. It was so hard. Thinking of you and Birdie.
what beautiful words describing such a beautiful baby girl. Birdie must know how loved she is and how amazing her mama and papa are.
i just found your blog and i am so touched by your story. i don't really know what words i could extend to you, but i am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. you are such a good mama. she is lucky to have you both.
i hope this is not out of line to say, but i was pregnant the same time as you. we were due one day apart, and i cannot even fathom what you have been through and will continue to go through. it is a reminder as to how fragile and fleeting life can be.
thank you for sharing your journey. it is obvious that your little Birdie has touched people. she has touched me.
"All I know is something like a bird within her sang, All I know she sang a little while and then flew on, Tell me all that you know, I'll show you snow and rain.
If you hear that same sweet song again, will you know why? Anyone who sings a tune so sweet is passin' by, Laugh in the sunshine, sing, cry in the dark, fly through the night.
Don't cry now, don't you cry, don't you cry anymore. Sleep in the stars, don't you cry, dry your eyes on the wind.
All I know is something like a bird within her sang,
All I know she sang a little while and then flew off,
Tell me all that you know, I'll show you snow and rain."
-Birdsong, Grateful Dead
Such beautiful & touching words to honor your daughter.
Thank you so much for sharing this post. The photos are hauntingly beautiful.
You have chosen a wonderful way to memorialize your beautiful daughter, by posting this blog.
I wish you the very best.
Your words are so lovely. What a beautiful tribute to your sweet Birdie.
I am late too but 6 months was very hard for me too. Happy 6 months little Birdie.
There is no lesson, as in Birdie's death was not meant to teach you a lesson, which does not mean to say there is nothing to learn from it. It took me a while to accept that about my son's death.
I'm glad the curtain is letting in a little light at last.
I know I'm a bit late but I wanted to send some hugs and let you know that I am thinking of you!
Erin, peace and love to you.
Life is not always about answers; you are right.
Life is about wandering, wondering, waiting, loving, living, creating, passing, hoping, stillness. You've experienced all of these, more than any more person should probably be asked to experience.
Above all, you are a Mama and will always be. And you did something incredible: you both birthed your baby and let her fly back to the Source all in one moment. All that energy, swirling inside and above you. Birdie will always be that powerful.
Love,
Leigh
My heart so goes out to you, Birdie is so beautiful, you did a good job, you took the best care of yourself possible and she couldn't ask for more than that, what a good mommy. Her leaving this world is the hardest thing, my mom still talks about her still born sometimes, of course, he's still her son. I believe we will all be reunited again and I feel one day you will see Birdie. I send many warm wishes of healing and good thoughts your way.
Erin...are you okay? Haven't heard from you in awhile. My thoughts continually return to you and your family...I hope you're well.
Peace,
Tricia in Chicago
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