9 Months

Here we are, the 2 of us. We sit here 9 months since our sweet little Birdie died. 9 months since I gave birth to a bird who few out of me. I feel great sadness today, this great loss has impacted the both of us in so many ways, ways in which we are conscious of, and other ways that we are not. The pain is great today, I feel it more than I have in a while. I am not sure why, maybe because it has been a full 9 months....the length of time I was so very fortunate enough to carry her.

The last 2 years of our life together have been sequences of 9 months. We unexpectedly became pregnant with Birdie 9 months after we were married. Then, I carried her for those long (I was not in a hurry to not be pregnant anymore), lovely and sacred 9 months. Now here we are at yet another 9 month passage of weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds.

I can only hope for us to be blessed again.

So, I am reserving this day for myself. I am reserving today to be a quiet, peaceful reflective one. It feels right to take today to soak up the sadness of the last 9 months (not that we don't already do this every day). I will look through the album of Birdie's photos, I will read through the hospital paperwork and the midwives report and I will cry...and cry a lot. That is ok, because that is just what I need to do.

Today is Birdie's day.

If you read this and think of her on this day, whisper her name...give her a little hello. I hope that she can bring some light to you if you are feeling the darkness surrounding you. She brings me light, she brings me light and love that I never knew could exist. All consuming, enormous love.

Yes, our curtain of grief is lifted, and there is a lot of light coming in. There is however, still a bit that won't ever fully lift. As I have said before, that is ok. That little bit need not lift but serve as a reminder. The curtain's edge is where we shall remain with our great abounding grief and sorrow. We can never pass through that curtain, for on the other side is innocence.

And innocent we are not, innocent we cannot become again.

To our sweet little Birdie, it breaks my heart so deeply to think about who you would be right now, in this moment, right here. I often imagine how it would be to look into your eyes, to meet your stare. I am sure that it would have been as intense to look into your eyes as it is to look into your Papa's. Those great oceans of blue that glimmer in any kind of light, I am sure that your eyes would have reflected in that same gorgeous way. To be able to see my reflection in your eyes, and yours in mine...oh how that fantasy just aches within me.

In these last 9 months you have had a great impact on so many. We speak of you all the time. Your beauty and peacefulness has been shared with all whom will listen, and we weave our love for you, and our sorrow into our creativity so that we can continue to share you with others.

Birdie, I am still your Mama, and always will be. Papa is still your Papa, and always will be. We are still a family, and always will be. Birdie we love you so very much, and I am sorry you had to go...we know your little baby spirit is always with us.

Dearest Birdie I hope to one day be able to look into the eyes of your brother or sister and see you there. I hope to see your spirit within theirs, to find us all in a kind of way brought back together. To see and experience what it would have been like to meet your stare and see myself reflected in your gentle baby blue eyes.

We love you Birdie, more and more as time passes. You burrow deeper and deeper with our hearts and our souls.

Love, Mama & Papa