The Waiting & The Silence

Now that we have come this far, 9 months and nearly 2 weeks I look back in a little bit of disbelief. I know that I have said this before, but sometimes it really seems as though I could not have ever been pregnant with Birdie. I mean for all of that time that was spent to care for her through what I ate and changing jobs to be off of my feet...and only to end with her death seems so incredibly insane! And it is! It really really is, to be living this reality that we now call life without the baby we made seems so surreal, and it is. The silence in here is very real to me, every day that I am here sitting and working or knitting...or watching a movie with Matt. The silence still there. No crying baby, no heavy breathing sounds on my chest, no nursing infant to fill the silence. Just pure, heavy silence.

To be here in this moment writing these words is surreal to me. Who I have become and how I have changed sometimes just feels to weird, because it is. I don't know if anything I am saying makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. As many of you know I was given the recommendation of waiting at least 9 months before starting to try again. Being here and past the 9 month point feels strange and as much as I want to write about it, I don't think that I can do that here. Just know that we are ok, that we can say that we are happy people again, and that we are more in love with each other than ever. We are ok. Yes, despite the emotional trauma we have experienced and live with and continue to we are ok.


Last weekend we went to see my folks, as my brothers birthday was last Saturday, and mums was on Monday. They have a new puppy, and of course we took some pictures!