Holdyn RULES!
Today, just now...he smiled at me! While taking a little rest from nursing...HE SMILED AT ME!
He's been practicing his smile from the day he was born while sleeping. Now, it's for real! He smiled at Matt the other night and we were both in heaven! Today though, just about 10 minutes ago, he gave me a smile and my heart just melted onto the floor.
For a few weeks now I have noticed suttle little changes to Holdyn, I mean how could I not were together all the time (and I would have it no other way!).
1. His eyelashes; they started to peek out a few weeks ago...and now we can really notice them growing! I think they are going to be really long like his Papa's.
2. His hair seems to be getting thinner and lighter in color. Perhaps he will also be a blondie like his Papa was!
3. Chub. Sweet little Holdyn is getting Chubby! He has not just 2 adorable chins....but sometimes 3!
Of course with these changes I am also thing a lot about Birdie. It especially cannot be helped because he has her face. That sweet angelic and lovely face. I have been thinking of her, but I also feel that I have "lost" her a little bit, I can't really describe what I mean by that only that I feel a little bit of a distance from her. I am feeling guilty and hurt by these feelings. Perhaps it's just because I am so distracted? I'm not sure.
For those who are also Babylost, have you felt this way after subsequent birth?
Also, have any of you ever done crazyquilting? Or quilting and then embroidery upon it? I am going to be starting a new addition to my grieving project (the photographs), in the next few months, using the crazy quilting technique and then embroidery upon it (I don't want to be too specific yet!).
9 comments:
First smile...first kiss...first "Ilove you" All moments that your child makes you melt. I'm sure there are lots of people that have had the same feelings that you are experiencing now about sweet little Birdie. I beleive it's gods way of helping to ease the pain in your heart, not to say for a minute that you will ever forget your baby daughter. My friends daughter died shortly after birth and the couselor told her that no matter how many children you will have your baby girl will always be your first. Don't be too hard on yourself and keep enjoying those first for Holdyn.
Birdies Mom:
I am so glad I checked in here. I just surfed by the NaBloPoMo (I am not doing it this year), and I thought: wonder how she is doing?
Congrats on the birth of your little mister. He's gorgeous. Love that baby belly!
The midwife who delivered our stillborn son was the same who delivered our next, live, baby. It does bring things full circle.
Congrats, again. I hope to get back here soon again.
ciao,
rpm (red pen mama)
just wanted to add: yes, there we a lot of mixed feelings bringing a live baby home. Most of them good, but some guilt, some anger. My Flora looked just like her brother, and that really threw me for a bit.
ciao,
rpm
Hello Erin, I sure can tell Holdyn is doing well just from the pictures!! He's growing so fast, the first year is quite amazing how much they grow and learn.;)
While I have not lost a full term baby but had a miscarriage at around 2 months I cannot speak from exactly your experience but I will tell you about what it was like to me to lose some very, very close family members. At first every single moment/second I thought of them. Never thought there would be a day I would not think of them so often. Slowly though all these thoughts go away, the good and the bad actually. I didn't want to stop thinking of them sometimes either, by that I don't mean I would never think of them but I would even purposely rerun things through my head. Now many years down the road I still think of them and yes quite often but nothing like I did and the healing that takes place helps to not have the thoughts be so sad. I think what you said is normal, it's certainly not like you have forgot about Birdie, no way, and I hate to say these words this way but you find out that life keeps going on and there are other things that take our focus and sometimes that's not a bad thing. Don't feel guilty for enjoying Holdyn, you have not forgotten Birdie.;)
Erin,
Though we have never met, I hope that you'll forgive me for dropping in here at such a personal time for you and your family.
Early in the morning of November 5th, while the rest of our friends and family were rejoicing at the return of hope to our country, I gave birth to our so-very-wanted baby after only 17 weeks of pregnancy. Giving birth to a child who was never going to come home with us and had no chance of surviving outside of me was the cruelest, most terrifying thing I have ever done; if life gets harder than this I simply don't want to know about it. I have no idea what to do with all the fear and sorrow that we brought home last week, and I have no idea if I will ever have the courage to try this again.
So here, with apologies, but with so much gratitude, is where you come in. Reading about Holdyn's arrival into the world, seeing how beautiful he is and how absolute your joy is, are the only things that have brought me even the hope of hope. Although I know that you feel farther away from your Birdie now than you would like, please know that for some of us, there is comfort in knowing that pain can sometimes create a space for amazing happiness, and that sorrow can make room for miracles.
Wishing your family a lifetime of love together. And thank you so much.
-Danielle
Danielle,
I am so sorry for the birth and death of your precious child. Thank you for having the courage to read our story, I am tearful for your loss, and that so soon you are reaching for hope.
Can you email me so I can write to you?
xo-Erin
Yes, I felt this way after bringing home A. And sometimes I still do. Like, I have been so caught up in A, that, I don't get the time to think about M as much as I would like. I think the combination of time and busyness with a new baby serves to makes us feel more distant. But, the truth is, we are not really more distant. It has just changed shape. We always hold our lost babies in our hearts, even when we are so busy at times, we don't get to reflect on it.
By the way, I love the pictures from the post before this one. I love nursing baby photos! He looks so content and peaceful. Is that Birdie's name across your chest?
Erin,
Absolutely.
This is what happens anyway when a second child joins the family, and you are only a mother, after all.
Suddenly your only child is not your only anymore, and this feels complicated and conflicted: doubly so because our firstborns are not here for us to see, they can't tug on our pantlegs while we gaze into our nurslings' eyes and remind us that we have a heartfull of love for two. Because our love for our second is active, and our love for our first is only in our hearts, it feels so imbalanced and to me, it was uncomfortable. I missed Charlotte, I missed that connection with her that was so deep and unique, and I felt so much desparation for her to be part of our life.
It has come. And you will see with patience where Birdie fits in with your new little one, too. It's just hard sometimes to see through the haze of the early-baby days.
xox
love you
Carol
so beautiful and the pics above too.
Yes, I have felt like this about V. since having Beanie and I also feel very conflicted by it.
(((hugs)))
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