Unplug Your Ears.
To those of you who read this blog who were fortunate to have a safe and successful birth in your home, bless you.
Unfortunately, my baby died very likely because of my choice to birth at home. So forever I am a Mama who will never ever be in support homebirth. It scares the shit out of me when I hear about someone that I or a friend knows who is considering homebirth. Belt's comment from my last post states it all so clearly...
"I was a strong proponent of natural birth/homebirth until everything that possibly could go wrong did go wrong during the course of my labor. Perhaps my decision to have a hospital birth is one of the reasons I have my son with me here today. Perhaps that was not a factor at all. I think it had to have been, as I required a c-section delivery.
There are happy home birth stories and sad home birth stories. Although there are women can rejoice in sharing a happy story, I think it is important to not let that joy detract from the very real, very sad stories that often fall on deaf or plugged ears. There are risks and uncertainties in home birth and we need to listen to the Mamas coming from a place of unwanted experience and unfortunate wisdom."
I am not saying all these things lightly, and I am not saying them without a VERY heavy heart. I simply feel the need to express once more just how seriously dangerous this choice CAN be.
Please don't tell me that homebirth is safe, that babies die in hospitals etc. As I said before, NO SHIT! My life is wrapped in a blanket of dead baby, OK? I know about ALL the ways that a baby can die, my life has been touched by this knowledge and so have the lives of many beautiful families that I now call friends, people whom I care very deeply for.
My point is this. You NEVER know what your body is going to do during labor. You just don't. You can think, you can feel so certain that you KNOW. But, you don't. Case in point, when I was in labor (going for VBAC) with Holdyn, I labored for more than 24 hours and simply could not progress past 9.5 cm. We tried all the midwifery tricks (I had CNM's), then Holdyn's heart rate dipped very low a few times. This happened after a few regular dips earlier, dips in his heart rate that were not concerning but normal. However, the last few were more alarming because I was NOT progressing and could have began to cause him distress (even though he did not show signs of this). So, we simply had to get him out, and it was not an emergency, however...when he was born we knew right away why he was not able to progress into my birth canal. My cervix had a Bandel's Ring...and Holdyn was stuck, there was no way he was going to be born vaginally.
" A Bandel's (retraction) ring develops from the physiological ring and is often -- but not always -- the result of an obstructed labor. Sometimes it can actually be seen as an abdominal indentation, signifying impending rupture of the lower uterine segment. If this should happen, death of the fetus ensues and maternal death is imminent, if nothing is done.
Immediate cesarean birth is usually carried out if this ring is seen, but usually the length of labor has been prolonged and caesarean birth is indicated anyway. CPD, or cephalopelvic disproportion, is the prime cause for an obstructed labor but, occasionally, it could be due to malposition, malpresentation, obstetric manipulations, twins, maternal fatigue and failed forceps delivery. The shape of the uterus can be normal, but this condition develops in late labor."
Now, let's move this scenario into the homebirthing world. There you are, at home, you have progressed to 9.5 cm. You stay at 9.5 cm for a good 3 hrs at least after more than 24 hrs of labor. Your baby's heart rate is steady upon each 10-15 minute check. However, in between the intermittent heart rate checks by the midwife, 2 very low dips in heart rate are missed...signs that your baby COULD soon go into fetal distress. You are then checked again, the heart rate is normal perhaps...
You are checked again...the heart rate of your baby has dropped.
You change positions, baby's heart rate is still very low....you are now in an emergency situation.
Everybody rushes in a calm manner to get you dressed and into the car, maybe you have a 5 minute ride to the hospital, maybe you have a 1/2 hr ride to the hospital. No matter how long it takes you, you have no control of what is going on within your womb, your baby is beginning to distress and this may or may not go even more down hill as you make your way to the hospital.
You see where I am going with this right?
I know that everyone wants to believe in birth, that it is always so natural and safe...that hospitals are BAD, doctors are BAD etc. All that bullshit that has been plugged into the ears of innocent believing women (I used to be one of these people!). My ears were plugged, I believed in the beauty and wisdom of my body and birth, that "My Body Knows Just What To Do". It is simply a dangerous emotional belief, a belief that so many women hold onto SO tightly that they unknowingly blind themselves into believing against their baby's best interest. Again, I WAS ONE OF THESE WOMEN.
All I am trying to say through all of this is this: Hospital/Birth Center births CAN BE a beautiful glorious place to birth. Regardless of how you end up giving birth to your child. All you MUST do is seek out the right place to give birth, meet with the staff, get to know your CNM's and the docs very well. Express over and over again WHAT YOU WANT, put your foot down about WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANT. Also knowing way back in the back closet of your mind...that if your labor doesn't go in the rosey manner you had envisioned and planned so long for, that you might have to give birth via c-section. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE IS YOUR BABY!
I know that there are hospitals/birth centers out there much like the one that Birdie was born at (remember the doctor tried in vain to save her), and Holdyn...I have NO regrets that he was born via c-section. It very well could have saved his life. If I had been stupid enough to attempt another homebirth, or "freebirth" he probably would not be here right now, beautifully sleeping upon my breast.
I wonder how many more of US there are out there, but are just to scared to speak up for fear of being pounced on by the homebirthing believers? I am scared of nobody at this point, I will debate this issue until I die, and even then the memory of the event that may well have caused my daughter's death will live on.
26 comments:
You are so brave for posting this. It could have been me whose baby died too as I got sucked into this extremist way of thinking.
I would have used a homebirth midwife had there been any legally available in the area I was giving birth. I ended up with severe preeclampsia at 35 weeks with my first and shudder to think of what might have happenned had I not been seeing CNM's, as lay midwives do not always risk women out as they should. Pregnancy does strange things to my body--I had mild gestational diabetes in both. Two c-sections later, I have two beautiful, healthy sons and no regrets about the way I gave birth.
Erin,
I'm so touched that my words spoke to you. I was one of those women, too. I remember the frustration that washed over me as each new challenge in my labor took me further and further from this mythical, magical birth that I was supposed to have - per my Bradley workbook, naturally. After passing out from sheer exhaustion and sleeping for several hours, I woke up to see my mother standing over me. She held my hand and I started to cry, explaining that my body couldn't do it and I couldn't get my baby out. And my son? He was going nowhere. Two and a half hours of pushing and he barely budged. My mother looked down at me and said "This isn't about your plan. This is about your baby. You know it because you are a smart woman. So you know what you need to do." My husband was looking on, nodding his head. And with those words, I eagerly signed the papers and the rest is history. This part I can make peace with. What troubles me - no angers me - to this day was when my Bradley class held a reunion a few months following my son's birth. As people were going around the room, sharing their birth stories, I started to panic at the thought of sharing mine. Mine was so laden with interventions and so far removed from the swaying and hot showering that was to be my Bradley birth that I wasn't even sure how to explain it. When I informed everyone of my c-section due to CPD, I was met with a cacophony of sorrow and wailing. "Oh, you poor thing. Oh, how terrible. Oh, how awful. You must be so disappointed. That diagnosis is sooooo overused. (...impromptu soapbox speeches on the increase in c-section rates and the overmedicalization of birth ensues...)."
Poor thing? Terrible? Awful? Disappointed? Do you not see this little ray of pure sunshine nestled in my arms? Do you not see that I have a son and he is here with me now? Do you not see how his little nose looks like mine and how he has his Daddy's brown eyes? Why are you sorry for me? Look what I have here.
I feel wholly swindled by the natural birth movement. Not because I debate the merits of this method of giving birth if everything aligns in such a way as to work out beautifully for the woman and her baby. Great! Glorious! Wonderful! No, I feel taken by the forces that implored me to believe that my body could do it and only ignorance or lack of persistence would lead me down the medicalized path of birth. But sometimes all the rice sock back massages in the world aren't going to get that baby out. And when I encountered those women that dared feel sorrow for MY birth story, I could not have been more offended. Because it felt like a judgment and an indictment of my situation - it was something to be pitied. But my birth story is not something to be pitied as you pat yourself on the back for eschewing an epidural. It is the story of the birth of my son. Honor it.
Amen sister! You are 100% speaking to what I am trying to get across here!
Erin,
You know that you speak for me too, and this is written with such passion. YES YES YES.
This whole discussion always makes my blood boil.
Thanks again for putting it out there.
I don't comment often but I have lurked here; I am one of those who has read your blog and has had four out of her five children at home and likely will again if I have any more, but I just want to say, in response to Belt up above,
Saying ANYTHING, other than "congratulations" when a baby is born, regardless of whether it was a scheduled C-section or mom was all alone out in the woods, is RUDE, and highly inappropriate. I am sorry that the women in your Bradley class behaved this way.
Not everyone who has a natural birth or homebirth behaves like a Nazi. In fact, most of my closest IRL friends have had C-sections. I'm not really close to anyone else who does homebirth.
Thanks for giving another perspective for this subject. As a midwifery student, I'm afraid we get sort of a one-sided education in some respects, I think it's very important that we hear the other side as well. My midwife with my second tried to get me to homebirth but I was too afraid of something going wrong. My birth was no less because I did it in hospital, but I do, sometimes, prefer not to tell my peers I had a hospital birth WITH an epidural for fear of the same response. I have nothing to apologize for, I did what I believed we both needed at the time and yes, it should be honoured, because it is my baby's story of beginning.
Thank you.
Two Hands....
It is that behavior/response to your birthing in hospital with "god forbid" an epidural that really gets be hot headed!
It is that attitude that you are afraid of being given, the "one sided" slander....
It's gross, rediculous, elitist and immature.
You are absolutely correct that your birth was no less because of being in hospital.
again, thank you for sharing. I hope that in my last comments, I didn't come off as one ofthe people you are referring to. I have no desire to pounce down anyone's throat for any kind of good-intentioned birth choice. I wish that more people were making birth decisions based on the right rasons, and not just to be different, to be the sam, to have a certain experiece, etc.
Heather...
Yes, I agree. I wish that it seemed as though more people were making birth decisions based on the right reasons. I think that most people do. Or at least they think they are, here I do have to speak to both sides of the "coin".... on the one hand you have the extremist elite thinking of the homebirth community. Preaching to the choir "hospitals, doctors, pain meds are bad etc.", then there are those on the OB/Hospital community who are guilty of scaring women out of hospital birthing because of their "extremist" ways or views.....or are they? This is not always the case, not all doctors and hospitals act this way, they are not all "c-section happy". My CNM's and doc were ALL FOR me VBAC'ing!
The point I wanted to make here is about this: "not just to be different, to be the same, to have a certain experience, etc."
This is what really gets me about Ricki Lake and her film....she is a celebrity, she has a built in audience, she is "cool" etc. It scares me that women who might not have even known homebirth was an option might then try for one, and not just a few women, perhaps thousands...
It's just really scary her taking this almost "high horse", it feels like it will cause even more of a divide between OB's/Hospitals and Homebirthing, lessen the chance for these communities to communicate about what remains MOST important.
THE HEALTH OF THE BABY and MAMA.
We need a huge shift in the way we as a society are thinking about birth. Who knows when it will happen, maybe after some celebrity gives birth to a stillborn baby...at home.
Erin,
I really like this post. Especially the title about unplugging the ears. I do wish more people would. The problem is that people get so set in their way of thinking, they don't want to hear anything that goes against a decision they've already made. If I had come on here a month before Birdie was born and told you homebirth was unsafe and that babies can die preventable deaths because of it, would you have listened, thought about it and them homebirthed anyway? Would you have tried to "inform" me about the safety of homebirth with the "women have birthed at home for thousand's of years, birth is as safe life gets, I trust birth" lines? Would you have become angry that I was using "scare tactics" and dismissed me out of hand?
Those responses tend to be the norm, because once someone has swallowed the party line, you could show them absolute proof that it isn't safe, and they'd refuse to believe it.
I'm glad you are speaking up, and I hope people will listen. I'm so sorry you had to learn a lesson like this one. Your family will be in my heart always, but especially on Birdie's birthday.
Erin, I feel strongly about this issue too and I'm glad you are talking about it.
And to Belt's comment: "My birth story is not something to be pitied as you pat yourself on the back for eschewing an epidural. It is the story of the birth of my son. Honor it." YES!
I had a flawless 42 week pregnancy, no complications to speak of. I planned the perfect homebirth then my first born child died in labour. I don't blame homebirth directly for his death, I just blame myself for being so very sure that my body knew what it was doing that I avoided the hospital like the plague, turned down 3/4 of prenatal testing and when I was 10 days overdue, turned down induction. When I was 14 days overdue and down to the wire, or the point at which my midwife had to turn me over to regular care, I went into labour and my child died a couple of hours later. They found nothing wrong with him and no reason for him to have not lived except that I was permitted to go too far overdue without a Non Stress Test to ensure the babe was ok. My placenta had stopped functioning fully and he had basically more or less starved, and was too weak to survive the contractions. I had been told if they had done a non stress test earlier that week they would have seen he was lethargic and would have looked into why, and noticed the blocked blood flow through the placenta. Sometimes there actually is a reason for certain protocol like NST and recommended induction. It not always a money grab. Provincial standard here is book induction at 10 days overdue because the risk of complication rises after that point, however, midwives are given a 14 day window, because for MOST people, 14 days is still safe. However, most isen't all..and I am one of the unlucky few.
I am another mother who refuses to go through another birth without a heart monitor so I can feel sure my little one's ticker is A-OK and he/she is not in distress without us knowing it.
Erin,
You truly are a brave and couragous Woman and Mommy! I know how hard it is for you to go to this place, and your story is inspiring because it ends happy with your little Holdyn. Unfortunatly, I have to say that with our little man, despite knowing what had happened with Birdie, I was really set on a home experience. Luckily, I was not able to get my family on board, and we couldn't find a Doctor or midwife willing to participate either. Thank goodness! Our sons umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck AND shoulder, and we had a hard delivery that was THIS close to an emergency C-section. We ended up having to use assistance and I kept thinking "THANK GOD WE ARE NOT AT HOME!!!" I was sooooo against medicine, IV's, C-sections. When his heart began decelerating and they even lost it a few times on the monitors, all that went out the window, and I didn't care how they got our baby out as long as he was safe and alive!
I commented before about a friend of mine whose baby was born at home. I remember talking to him on the phone in the days before his son was born, it was already past the due date and I asked him to make sure they did whatever they needed to do to have their baby born alive and well. That is all that really matters. I agree with Belt, I would also feel offended by her classmates’ comments. It’s sad that women have to be defensive about these things but sometimes you have to give up on this notion that we have control over giving birth. Not everyone can have a natural childbirth and then they are made to feel bad that they needed medical intervention. It’s not only that but they beat themselves up as if they should have been able to do it “right” but failed. People have to do what they think is best with the information they have in that moment. You can’t look back and ask what if.
I remember the second time I was pregnant and my doctor told me because of the blood thinner injections I would need to take that I would have to be induced. When I heard that I wanted to cry because I thought that instantly meant c-section. I found out later that day Sean’s heart had already stopped beating. Now I would take a c-section any day if it meant I would take a baby home with me. Whether your baby is born at home or in a hospital, naturally or with epidural and by c-section, all that matters is that the baby alive and healthy. They’re all the lucky ones.
This is a truly extraordinary post -- speaking both from the heart and from all-too-sad experience. I read it over and over again, but couldn't come up with a comment that would do it justice.
Erin, thank you for continuing to share your "unwanted wisdom."
I think you said it best here: "THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE IS YOUR BABY!" That to me (a woman without children, mind you) is the biggest reason to utilize western medicine and whatever interventions and resources are needed for successful pregnancy, labor, and delivery.
Erin,
Thank you for your candor. I have been reading your blog since you opened it back up last year and feel very blessed that you have shared your story with me. I am both a hosptial and homebirther. All my births I would consider successful and I don't look down upon anyone that has a medicated hospital birth. I have had two myself. I wanted to be sure you knew that not all homebirthers go into homebirth with their eyes shut. Not all homebirthers are elitists, just as not all OB's and OB nurses are intervention crazed. I'm newly pregnant with my 5th child (7th pregnancy) and my eyes are more wide open now than ever before. Bascially, I think you have the same disrespect for people birthing at home that you are railing against in the homebirth community. I agree with you that people ought to REALLY educate themselves and that means speaking with both sides. I did that. I spoke with my OB after she had seen me through two pregnancies and births and told her I would like to have a homebirth. She told me "go right ahead, you'll be fine." She is board certified with ACOG. I think I'd rather speak with someone that knows my medical history and help them let me decide what is safe and not safe for me. As for a birth center birth, well, both of the ones in my community have risked me out because I had one baby over 9 pounds 15 oz. Even though I had him with an epidural and a pit induction in 5 hours. It was my longest labor. It is NOT as easy as you say to find a safe birthing environment. Not for the experience, but for safety sake. Erin, I take great offense to you making me out to be a selfish mother choosing homebirth for the experience. My homebirths hurt like hell and the experience of an epidural was much more pleasant for me, but home is where I felt was the safest place to birth my babies. That decision is between a woman and her careprovider solely. I am comfortable with my midwife and her abilities and with the advice I have received from the CNM's I co-care with and my previous OB. And guess what? MY BABIES ARE MY FIRST PRIORITY. I so feel for you and what happened to Birdie, but what you are saying is just as biased as what you are complaining about.
Stephanie...please don't take my post so personally, it is posted here on my blog, not yours. This post comes from a very dark place within me...
I continue to feel your pain though I don't even know you. I agree with everything you have to say here and I think it's important for someone in your shoes is out there in the world to help give some perspective to those who are ready to embark down the same path. Birdie may have made it if you were in a hospital, she may not have, it's impossible to know, but expectant mother's need to know that giving birth, though a beautiful natural thing, is also dangerous and shouldn't be taken lightly. Thanks for continuing your blog and letting us all in on your personal life story.
Thank You. Correct, there is no way to tell if a woman has a bandle's ring until they are C-sectioned and the uterus is exposed. Also if you are at 9.5 cm for 3 hours, you have to ask yourself, why? Transition is suppose to be a quick thing. Going from 8cm to fully should not take a long time unless something is impeding the process.
YOu are entirely correct that load of stuff could be missed during the transition phase of labor if you are not watching the baby on an EFM. Then by the time you realize you have a problem, you may be picking up the Maternal heart rate. Not good. Unlikely but 100 percent if it happens to you.
So Thank You Erin for Reminding the Birthing community that noone has a guarantee of a perfect birth. Birth is something that just cannot be totally controlled. But risks can be minimized or maximized. At least be adequately aware of the risks when you make the plan.
A powerful post Erin.
Quite frankly I can hardly remember the details of Beanie's birth now - the fact that he is here safe and sound and I get to spend my life with him is a magic that fully eclipses any sort of birth experience. My pregnancy was so stressful and very medicalised (I needed the medicalised bit) but I don't spend any time thinking about that now.
Erin,
I want to let you know that in light of what you said, I did some more soul-searching and research on the midwife I have been using. While I really appreciate her philosophy, I couldn't shake these feelings of foreboding,even though the pregnancy is going even better than my first two. You story, and your pain, made me pay more attention to those strange feelings I was having. I ended up findng out this week that there have been several cmplaints against this midwife, for not wanting to assist in transfers when the mother decides on them or even when they have been medically neccessary. One of the incidents involved lead to an outcome horribly similar to yours, in which they baby was delivered by c-section, after transfer, but not alive.
So thank you. I hope this note doesn't stir up too much pain for you, just mean it to show you that the things you have to say really are making a difference for someone.
Hi Erin, I'm so sorry for your loss. Birdie was beautiful.
I used to be rabidly pro-HB, anti-hospital. Before I had a wonderful, dare I say "loving" experience when I transfered to the hospital from home.
There are so many things I could say about how misguided I was before, but I think you've said it best. Just know that there are plenty of "us" out there :)
You are a courageous birth warrior, as are all women. Thank you for bleeding your heart out.
I'm a homebirther and a HB advocate BUT above that...I am a woman and a mother (and one without a loss, which I think is an important factor, likely, in my decisions).
And what I think is that women - all of us - need to stand shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, hand in hand and come together in deep love and respect and compassion.
Our birth choices and birth stories are really our life stories and involve it all: tragedy, life, death, triumph, pain, trauma, bliss, power. What we need to know is that birth, and birth stories, have medicine in them for all our souls.
As a doula, I know women on all edges of this spectrum: some who feel like you, others who were HB's and lost babies and still choose to birth at home, some who are HB advocates and lost babies and deeply desire a HB but choose hospital birth for the reasons you mention.
Women are wise. Babies are wise.
Thank you for reminding us to always listen to our intuition, regardless of the outcome of labor or birth.
You are kept in the deep folds of my heart.
xoxo
PS Every birth I've ever attended as a doula - Home or hospital - has been beautiful and magical and divine.
xoxo
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