Honesty & Support
I have always been very open and honest with my writings here on this blog. Open about my grief and my process, open about my feelings about Birdies death and how she died. All of it, everything.
I can't help that I am an open hearted person. I am not shy about my emotions and feelings about Birdie, I am not shy about much of anything here. Yes, there are many readers of this blog, some of whom have perhaps never commented, but stop by to check in from time to time. So, it seems that I express my feeling about death and life to complete strangers, for the most part this is true. There have been so many things on my mind as of late that I really want to be able to write about here, because of the larger "support" that I find through my readers.
Lately I have been feeling self-conscious and insecure about the way that I am choosing to parent, by instinct. As you might have read the post I wrote about this (that I have since deleted), and in it I gave a "name" to the "choice" of parenting style as "Attachment Parenting". To be honest I really am not at all fond of putting a label to my parenting choice(s). However, sometimes I feel that as a direct result of many very personal hurdles, emotional turmoil, emotional baggage, lack of self-confidence etc. left over from childhood etc. etc. that I sometimes for some people need to put a label to how I parent, to the choices that I make. Or do I?
It's so hard for me not to write completely honestly about what I am REALLY trying to say here.
-Yes, I am self-conscious (and I am not usually a self-concious person)
-Yes, I struggle very much with my confidence, mostly when I am around others who I am uncertain of how they perceive me (again, I am not usually this way, I am usually very self assured)
-Yes, I am probably over-reacting (yet more baggage from childhood)
-Yes, I just wish that I could let go and just not worry so damn much!!!
It's so damn hard though. It's not like anyone besides a few close people to us tell us what a great job we are doing with Holdyn. Nor do many people say how kind and loving it is that we "wear" him...
"While principles of attachment parenting encourage parents to trust their own instincts, many lack confidence and feel the need to rely on science to validate and substantiate what they already know on an intuitive level, if only to quiet the doubts of family and friends."
That quote rings so very true for me...
I really, really do not like feeling this way. It is unfair to myself, and it's unfair to Holdyn when we are around others, because I can feel that I treat him a little differently (I am more shy to respond to him). I know that it's ridiculous!
I guess what I mean to say, to GET OUT here in this post is that I am disappointed by the lack of support we receive for parenting like we do, trusting our instincts and intuition, really listening and responding to what our children need.
VS.
The incredible amount of support that we received after Birdie died. The support we felt was endless, it was so beautiful and kind.
Where has it gone?
25 comments:
I feel very fortunate because I have had so many people comment positively on my relationship with Zari, how I just couldn't take my eyes off her when she was little, how they could tell I cared for her so much because I was always holding her. Hearing those things does mean a lot to a mother! But even if you don't hear them from others, YOU know the depth of your love for your son.
Rixa.
Thank you. You are right, so right. =)
I do know the depth of the love I have for Holdyn.
Erin I don't know you and I have never met you. And I'm not yet a "real" parent myself, so I can't really comment on parenting "styles" etc, but what I will say is this, I will never stop supporting you and the way you chose to parent Holdyn. Ever. I think, from what I can see by what you share on this blog, you are doing an incredible job. I know you want to hear that from those you are close to in real life, but I'm here telling you now. I figure, they are only going to be small like Holdyn for so long. Soon he will be off, walking and running around, so there wont be as much time to wear him, so I think, make the most of it while you can! When I welcome a new baby in to this world, I think I will want to parent much the same way you are. We missed out on SO, SO much with our precious first born little girls, we have so much to make up. Its that lost love I have spoken about before. We lost everything with Birdie and Hope, you are just pouring ALL OF IT in to Holdyn, just as I will do with my second child.
Always trust your instincts. You are his Mama. You know best.
Just look at him, he's clearly benefiting from the way you look after him. He's a beautiful big boy who will grow up to be such a kind and considerate man.
Take care Erin xo
Erin- as you well know the loss of a child changes our perspective on every aspect of our lives, including shaping our vision of how we will parent a living child.
Those who struggle or even judge just don't get this.
((hugs))
Erin, you are doing a beautiful job parenting Holdyn.. I don't much like the 'labels' either.. if you want to go by the book, then I'm an attachment parent, but honestly I just parent Gwen the way that FELT right to me.. I didn't care when people said that I should 'put her down' or 'you're feeding her AGAAAIN? Trust yourself. I think parenting with our hearts can't really ever be wrong.
Erin, you are an artist and artists are supposed to be sensitive, creative people. It's okay to be that way. You've got tons of support. I wish I'd gone to greater lengths to wear my daughter when she was a baby. I don't think I really understood the benefits (plus, I swear that kid is a walking sweatbox). I'm iffy on co-sleeping, but that doesn't mean I don't think YOU should co-sleep with your son. I think you're a wonderful mom and I'm betting that all of your readers feel the same way.
We all have our insecurities. My greatest fear is that, because my daughter is adopted, she will reject me someday.
Hi Erin,
Your posts re: this lately have had me wondering if you are actually getting negative responses from people about the way you parent or if you are feeling sensitive to the fact that people are not responding more overtly positively to the choices you have made with H. That is an actual question--I don't mean it in some obnoxious way. The reason I ask is because, maybe I am just naive, but I can't believe people would think the way you are raising H is REMOTELY negative. What are people thinking????? I have thankfully not lost a child, I do can not speak for that experience. I don't know if it's because of that or what, but I am sort of a middle-of-the-road parent. I am partially an attachment parent and partially a "you gotta learn to fend for yourself" parent (whatever the heck THAT is called! hahaha). However it boils down I just follow my gut. That is all I would expect ANY parent to do. I would not judge another parent for loving their child.
it's so bizarre. If people are actually approaching you with negative feedback on your parenting style...well frankly, I just find that sickening. I am sorry you have even had to give it a second thought.
Try to be the duck. Try to let it roll off you back. Your job is to love Holdyn. Not to try to convince others what is right for you. other people should back off!
Good luck.
I'm so sorry you feel that way. I did things very much the same way you are. I breastfed on demand, I co-slept and I "wore" them. I loved doing it that way. We were both more comfortable together than apart, so why put them down when I could do just as much and have them along for the ride?
I think you ARE doing a great job with Holdyn, I guess what you were doing seemed so natural to me that I didn't realize that, like all of us, you too need some support when it comes to your parenting abilities.
You can see in his eyes how happy Holdyn is. He is healthy and beautiful and loved. So dearly dearly loved. All of that is because of YOU. By parenting him that way you are giving him a strong message/gift. You are telling him that you are there and even if you are missing some confidence, he is getting oodles of it. There is no doubt in that little boy's mind that you are there for him in every way and THAT is going to put the stars within his reach.
Erin,
I'm sorry you deleted your earlier post. I think you made some very good points. I'm disappointed that despite your honesty you still have to put up with overly opinionated comments on your blog. I think you are doing amazingly and Holdyn is credit to that.
I don't see cultures where baby wearing is commonplace have any problems weening their children off being carried whether they have 1,2 or 10 kids. He will reach his own point where he'll be ready to be off in the world. The same way as children pushed in strollers all make the transition to walking. Many choose to hate going in the stroller as soon as they are mobile. I don't hear people making derogatory comments about kids put strollers all the time.
I think you might have left the link to AP on my blog. I bought the book and after Reading it I find it most mirrors my own parenting style. I would wear Em more but she doesn't like being held all the time. She likes her own space and cuddles/sling when she needs closeness.
I lack self confidence with my parenting. I constantly question what I'm doing and feel inadequate much of the time. Em is thriving though and is happy so I just try and hold on to that.
I think you're doing amazingly, it's tough parenting a living child for the first time. Even tougher after what we've been through previously.
I hope you can find the words to write what you want to here. It's your space and if people don't like it or if peoples comments upset you I say delete and block them. There will always be people that have contrary opinions and feel the need to rain on your parade. You have a right to express yourself without fear of others opinions. Xxoo
Oh, I am sorry to see that you deleted your post, but I can understand why you did so.
It's interesting that you mention the self-consciousness in this post. There have been times that you have made a comment on your blog and then qualified it with another comment and I wanted to email you and say, "Sister, you are doing just fine and you go ahead and love on that little boy in any way you see fit." I never did, and now I kind of wish that I had - if only to let you know that there was another like-minded mama in the world that was nodding along in agreement.
I think that when you choose to make parenting decisions that differ from the norm - or even what appears to be the norm - you do set yourself apart. Most people just take that for what it is and accept that you do things differently. Others, inspired to tell the world just exactly how to raise their families or experience parenting, do so because they probably do this with everything. I have a friend like this. A lovely lady, to be sure, but an opinion on EVERYTHING. And then there are those that will question your parenting, but only because it is a forum for their own insecurities in their parenting practices. Perhaps they would have liked to have done it "your way." Perhaps they had a revelatory experience while reading a parenting book and tried those techniques and, finding them to work, became convinced that there is just NO other way to parent. Perhaps they believe that they are helping you by pointing out that your parenting is strange and foreign to them.
Who knows? And really - though it takes a lot of work to get to this point - who cares? It is not easy to tune out when people question our parenting practices, but it is the only way to make it through this crazy little ride. There are some people that will never agree with you. That's fine, because when you flip that statement around, you'll find that you have some power in this dynamic, too - you'll never agree with them. Don't worry about these people. I know, easier said than done. Align yourself with those that do see the world through similar eyes and share your stories and experiences with them. These are the people that will nurture your parenting, and really? As parents, we too need a whole lot of nurturing.
When I was younger, I believed it was my imperative to try and understand every perspective and process it and work with a person to help them understand me. I almost made a project out of it every time someone came along that didn't get why certain things were important to me. It felt like this was the most genuine way to be. Then I had my Benjamin and I grew what I like to call a "no tolerance for crap" outer shell. Time restraints, exhaustion and postpartum depression necessitated this response. It was kind of like a hard candy coating. I gave myself the privilege of just dismissing people that don't agree with me AND cause me grief. There is a difference. People can ask questions and have a conversation about parenting and leave it at that. This is fine with me. But when people start to let go with the judgments and the this and the that, I drop them. Not because I am the type of person to bury my head in the sand when differences of opinion arise. But because I am now the type of person that has given herself the guilt-free freedom to ignore unsolicited advice and unsolicited opinion. People have every right to their opinion and you have every right to ignore it.
Nothing about your writing on this blog suggests that you enter into your parenting decisions lightly. You seem both thoughtful and introspective. Unless advice is solicited, any parent that does this deserves the respect of little else than a polite "Job well done and oh, by the way? Your child is adorable."
Erin, job well done. And Holdyn is adorable.
Hi sweetie,
I wanted to say I am not online much right now as the forced dial up internet and the impending birth are making it hard.
I wanted to say though just a few things.
As for commenting here, besides very recently business one reason I have not as much is because I totally respect yyour beliefs. You have been through very tragic life altering things and have formed beliefs from that, re: the stance against home birth. I respect your place but do not personally agree, but would never come here and argue that. I had an awful forced hospital birth so I come from a very different perspective.
But I am not always feeling ok to comment when those thoughts are mentioned because there isn't really anything TO SAY, we have different beliefs.
As for your parenting choices I am a very proud attachment parent. It was a choice I came to very naturally and early on and I searched out and found a mothers group that held those beliefs during Bliss' first few years. I NEEDED that support then because so many others had soooo many things to say about how to parent "right" and so on. I knew for me what was right and what was best for my child and I got the support but seeking it.
I do not speak much online about it, I do not hide it at all, but I do not go on and on because it just brings so many trolls. I also do not speak about things I cannot bear with others parenting unless I truly believe they are harmful. For example cry-it-out breaks my heart and I have stopped reading many bloggers who took that path because I find it depressing but I do not write about it much, it is their choice.
I DO speak out again circumcision but I also feel very strongly it is severely harming a child and I always will speak about that. I speak against any form of physical punishment as well and try to mention positive discipline when it comes up.
Parenting styles though, can be hard to really discuss in this medium. It goes with much I learned early on, fertility/infertility can really unite people in support, loss as well can be very uniting, but when you get past those tragic larger encompassing things the smaller sub groups seem to be harder to do in blog form, I find BBS more specific to my interests better.
When I first had Bliss I tried some Rainbow Families events, GLBT groups for new families. I had always related to my queer sisters and brothers and went very excitedly, but then I was faced with so many using parenting styles I was sooooo far from myself. Styles that made me cringe and I realized that the common denominator I had previously felt so comfortable with was no longer working for me. That was when I sought out the AP group.
So I applaud your choices here so much and send a ton of love and support your way, but I also wanted to try and explain that in this form it is so common to find it hard to really get the specific support you so deserve.
Much love and sorry for rambling.
i wanted to tell you that your story is inspiring. i too lost my baby girl during my home birth. after laboring for 3 days my daughter was born but died shortly after. we now have another beautiful girl but we never ever forget paikea. . .
Erin, I hope you know that I truly keep you and your family in my prayers because it is something that I've felt to do since I started reading your blog 2 years ago. I also parented my children like you do, as much as possible since I had twins. One was tied to my front and one to my back as much as I could. I parented by instinct too. Gave them tons of love and let them make mistakes, told them no and gave them consequences. They grew up to be wonderful, adjusted adults. If there was one thing I would have changed it would have been to make sure they kept their bedrooms clean....I always told them that it was their space and they could do whatever...BIG MISTAKE ! Teaching them to be responsible to clean their rooms, put their clothes away and live in an organized, clean bedroom would have been a better way to grow up. That is the only thing I would change about the way I raised my children. There is a lot of healing that happened to me when I was a young mom like you. You seem to have some healing going on too. It is a pleasure to have gotten to know you through your honesty and love for your children.
You are a wonderful mother and I admire you and your husband for the way you both have been building yourselves up from the brokeness you've experienced.
It's really sad that people can't be more supportive. But, honestly, it seems that, when it comes to parenting, everyone's a critic. No matter how you choose to raise your child, other people are always sure that they know better.
One tiny example: When my son Gray was a baby, I took him on a walk. A stranger, passing by, stopped and said "That baby is freezing. Didn't you bring a jacket and a hat?" I felt like a horrible mother, and wrapped Gray snugly up in his blanket.
Of course, a few minutes later, another stranger peered into the carriage and told me that I needed to unwrap Gray right away, because he should be getting fresh air and sunshine.
I realized then that these people didn't know Gray the way I did and that I'd never be able to please everyone, so I should just parent Gray in the way that felt right to me.
Sorry, my comment posted twice, so I deleted the second one....
I'm so sorry to hear you felt the need to delete your post. I agree with Niobe's comment about how parenting/pregnancy seems to bring out all the know it alls.
Personally I would like to say that I'm sorry I have not left any positive comments about the way you parent. As I'm usually in sync with what you've written I guess I've just been quiet.
Keep trusting your heart and soul! You are going great!
You certainly don't have to prove anything to me, because I'm a stranger, and because it is SO obvious where your devotion is.
I think you're doing exactly what Holdyn needs and considering you and Matt know him best, you are the authority. It's ridiculous that anyone else would assume to know what he needs better than you.
I think it's wonderful that you are always holding Holdyn. His name practically dictates it. As a mother of 10 children, I've worn every one of them including my almost 14 month old who is still slinging around everywhere. I have found that it makes them to be confident, loving children whose first instinct is to hold and take care of others. Trust your heart, I have always enjoyed coming to this blog to read of your deep love for both of your children. Just wanted to delurk to let you know how much I appreciate your sincerity.
I think that you are doing what works for you. Holdyn wasn't born to any of us, but to you and your Matt, and you have to do what works for you. Holdyn is your child, and he will hopefully share your temperments. :) Also, that being said - you mentioned all these developmental "milestones" that he is hitting spot on - sitting, rolling, etc., etc. - so it sounds to me like he is THRIVING with is sweet Mama. :) Keep doing what you are doing for your precious boy, and be proud, because it is working. He is thriving and healthy.
Erin, keep doing what you are doing.
I picked you for a sisterhood award. You have attitude and gratitude.
Erin-It is apparent to this "stranger" that both you and Matt love your son and are wonderful parents. I'm not sure why that is difficult for those who actually know you to see. I think that often times older generations think we are "doing it wrong" because it is very different than how they raised their children. To me what it boils down to is there is more than one way to raise a healthy, successful child. The way you are doing it is the right way for you and your baby. I applaud you for raising your son instinctually and he will be thankful, too.
Erin, I am late to comment on this post. I did read the post you deleted. Children do not come with instruction manuals, intuition is all a mother has (well, that and everyone else's opinions/advice). Your child is healthy and happy. You are doing what is right for you and him. I am so sorry that you feel the need to validate your parenting to others, and I am also sorry that you don't feel supported in parenting the way you do. I admire what you do. I can't say that it's what I'll do, but I can't say that I won't since he's not here yet. It's obviously the best choice for your family.
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