Let The Baby Cry It Out? Why?
The sound of my sweet little baby crying just kills me. NO I do not let him just cry it out. I swiftly respond to my little Bunny when he is feeling sad or frustrated and needs a cuddle or a boob and whaddya know, he calms down and is contented and happy. The only thing allowing him to "cry it out" would do is stress us both out and make us both very sad and unhappy.
I was so sad today to hear a baby in a carriage being left to "cry it out". There were 4 people walking along with the baby in the carriage who was SCREAMING, and not a one of the adults even bothered look at, talk to or sooth the SCREAMING child in any way! I myself was about ready to start crying out of empathy for the poor little baby...or burst out some profanities at the idiot parents!
It pangs my heart when people ignore the cries of a little one who cannot communicate in any other way. They are crying to say "I need something", "I need you to pick me up!"
The whole "Let the baby cry it out" theory is bullshit, heartbreaking and stressful for babies (and parents!).
This way of parenting is a missed opportunity to hold and comfort the baby, a helpless beautiful being who simply needs a snuggle or a boob to feel OK.
There are many things that I see parents doing and not doing for their children that break my heart and make me want to cry, or say something OUT LOUD! This, this is one of those things...
Please, don't just let your little baby cry themselves to sleep, or cry through feeling sad or mad or frustration (and even worse tell them "it's not that bad" "stop crying" etc). There is NOTHING wrong with picking them up and snuggling them to make them feel secure and safe.
Oh and please don't try to tell me that by doing this you are "spoiling" the child. Give me a break! No, sorry, but by responding with love and kindness you are showing your child that they can count on you, that they can trust you, that you are there for them when they need you.
Pick that baby up, for we know not what tomorrow might bring. For I know all too well the fragility of life. Today I am here, today I am alive and so is my husband and child. Tomorrow, it could all disappear. SO, I snuggle, I kiss, I love my little Holdyn to the best of my ability EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY. Each and every second with him is a miracle.
23 comments:
I AGREE 100%, Holdyn is a very fortunate little man!;)
I am not in the CIO camp either. I took me too long to become a mom for me to then ignore my baby. Now that she is older (4), there are time when I'll just let her have her tantrum, though. Sometimes there is no comforting a young one who is just mad because you wouldn't buy her an Icee. :-)
But we can at least try and offer the comfort so they know we are there for them right? The parents I saw yesterday didn't even bother AT ALL! It's times like that that I feel my babylost mama self come out and want to scream at a parent....DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE to have that baby? Those types of parents just get my panties all tied up in knots!
Breaks my heart to think of all the babies who are left alone to cry it out. I cant even imagine it. Those poor babies, it must be so scary for them...:(
I agree, especially with little babies. It's hard having 2 kids because sometimes you have to leave one of them to cry while you are helping the other one. I don't understand people who can totally ignore a screaming baby, especially when they're not doing anything else that would prevent them from responding.
CIO is not about ignoring your child or refusing them comfort. I have used it very successfully with my twin boys and I don't think it makes me a bad parent, in fact, I believe my boys have benefited greatly from it. When they were old enough, we did CIO to get naps down. It only took them an 2 afternoons to get it down. Now they go down without a peep because they have learned to self soothe (and not because they find it pointless to cry because they would only be ignored.)
I don't think CIO is for everyone, but I also don't think it's very fair of you to judge those moms who do it. For you to say it's a missed opportunity to hold and comfort your child is unfair. My kids get my love, comfort and affection. Sometimes when a baby is crying it's because they're tired (or overtired) and need to sleep. Some parents choose to help their babies figure that out for themselves.
Just my 2 cents. I think you're a great mom and clearly Holdyn is thriving because of it, but I also think my boys are thriving because of my choices. I know you weren't aiming your post at me, but I had to speak up for those moms who CIO because it's not a form of infant torture, really, it isn't...
Thanks for speaking up, christadasister. I've also done a modified CIO and within a very short time my son learned to sleep through the night. I hug him and kiss him all day long. At night we sleep.
There are so many ways in which to be a good parent. I'm sure that you, Erin, have made some choices that others wouldn't have made. We really can't judge each other.
i agree 100%! i couldn't let my little one CIO either, it seemed totally ridiculous to me! pick that baby up! :)
I'm not meaning to judge. It's a simple statement. It breaks my heart to hear a crying baby. I don't subscribe to CIO...it's heartbreaking to hear and the stress that it causes a baby raises their cortisol (stress hormones) levels and this has been shown to be unhealthy. CIO can cause chronic stress that is not good for a baby.
"Cortisol and Stress
The HPA (hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenocortical) axis, a relationship between specific brain organs and the adrenal glands, is the chief regulator of stress reactions. While several hormones direct stress reactions, often in concert with each other and with some playing more than one role, cortisol is probably the most typical of the stress hormones. It is the subject of many recent reports. During stress, stress hormones are released under control of the HPA axis to help the body cope. Cortisol can elevate the blood pressure and the heart rate, increase blood sugar, and interrupt digestive and kidney functions.
Norepinephrine responses and cortisol responses are connected. Both are released in reaction to excitement, exercise, and stress. Both cause increased heart rate, blood sugar, and brain activity. I have discussed how surges of norepinephrine during affection and play can promote learning in infants (you may remember how you occasionally learned better under the stress and excitement of last-minute studying), as well as bonding (since bonding occurs in children and adults when they share exciting activity). However, chronic exposure to "negative" stress causes chronic elevations of cortisol, instead of surges that have a positive effect. Chronically elevated cortisol in infants and the hormonal and functional adjustments that go along with it are shown to be associated with permanent brain changes that lead to elevated responses to stress throughout life, such as higher blood pressure and heart rate.11 This elevated response begins quite early. Even infants regularly exposed to stress already demonstrate higher cortisol releases and more sustained elevations of cortisol in response to stressful situations.12
Occasional surges of cortisol throughout the day can be beneficial, but continuously elevated stress hormone levels in infancy from a stressful environment are associated with permanent "negative" effects on brain development. Some evolutionary theories even go so far as to suggest that the heightened stress responses that apparently lead to aggressive behavior and early puberty serve a purpose, aiding survival of the species during drought, war, or other hardships.
Studies have shown that infants who receive frequent physical affection have lower overall cortisol levels,13 while psychological attachment studies reveal higher levels in insecurely attached children.14,15 Women who breastfeed also produce significantly less stress hormone than those who bottle-feed."
Also, if you had been in my shoes yesterday and heard the ear piercing sounds of the SCREAMING child, I think that you to would agree that the parents were missing out on an easy opportunity to comfort the child, the crying did not stop, it was very heartbreaking...
And yeah, so what if I think that CIO is a missed opportunity. I feel pretty damn confident that I can say this, as a babylost mother who never got the chance to love her daugther earthside.
My boys don't CIO anymore- they now know how to go to sleep on their own. They don't cry frequently so they don't experience chronic elevated cortisol levels- that's not what CIO is about. It's teaching your baby to self soothe. I am also a babylost mama so I understand what missed opportunities are so I don't mean to offend, I just think there's another side to this subject and I thought I'd bring it up.
we didn't do cio, we did sleep separation. i sat in the room with them and put them back in bed, and tucked them in again and again until they passed out. the next night, i moved further away.
we respond to our children's cries all day long. yet at bed or nap we say "forget it. you're supposed to sleep"
when's the last time you couldn't sleep even though you were tired. or you woke up hungry, or needed to snuggle closer to your hubby/partner? it's the same with the kids except THEY can't tell you. they try, but are ignored.
i was just reading on facebook, a friend of mine's kid has started waking up at midnight again for feedings. this tells me growth sput. but one mom was telling her to just let the kid cio "he'll learn"... learn what? not to want to eat when it's bedtime cause mommy doesn't come anyway?
i'm not trying to be judgemental. i've got two kids (back to back), so i know what it's like to have times where you JUST want to SLEEP for God's sake! my second was a hellion when it came to bed time.. and needed gentle routines, else it was world war III.
i understand that parenting is personal. and how you night time parent is your choice. but i never, will understand cio.
what makes us think that we should expect our little ones to go to bed at 8pm and "cio, you'll be fine. and i'll see you tomorrow honey" ?
it makes no sense. (oh and my kids sleep from 8pm - 9am - no cio. at times they come crawling into bed with us at around 6am. but that's become non-existant as they get older)
I, too, have a hard time when I think of babies being left to CIO. It just goes against all of my mothering instincts. My worry about parents who do choose to do some form of sleep training that involves letting their babies cry alone, is that they are making this choice not because it's what they feel in their guts that their babies NEED, but because it's what our society tells them their babies should be able to do ("sleep through the night" . . . walking around town with our 7-week-old baby, strangers often ask if he's "sleeping through the night yet?" Why all this pressure to have babies sleeping independently? When did this become such a priority for our culture?). Not to mention the baby's instincts, which clearly--and for good reason--are to stay close to mama, the safest place for a baby to be. Leaving a baby to CIO is teaching a baby to learn to ignore his/her instincts. I can only imagine what the long-term consequences of this could be. And why should a little baby have to learn to self-soothe?
I believe strongly in the concept that a need not fully met in the first year of life will NEVER be fully met. My friends who chose to let their babies CIO at 4, 5, and 6 months may have had babies who "slept very well," but most of them have gone on to have four, five, and six-year-olds who sleep terribly, plagued by night terrors and having a very difficult time falling asleep at bedtime. My own children have never been resistant to bedtime, they have no negative associations with sleep, and they sleep very, very soundly.
There have certainly been times over the years when I have felt frustrated by my kids' ongoing needs to have help falling asleep. One of my sons went through a time when he was 3 and 4 of just really wanting to hold my (or my partner's) hand at bedtime. I remember thinking, "why can't he just go to sleep by himself, why does he need to hold my hand?!" And then I realized, "ALL he wants is to HOLD MY HAND. Why can't I give him that? Before I know it, he will be a big teenager who never wants to hold my hand, I should savor this."
I believe in letting babies and children determine when they are ready for more independence around sleep, and everything else. My six-year-olds are exceptionally adept at self-soothing, and the only thing I ever did to encourage that skill was to meet all of their needs as soon as they arose.
My boys were old enough to CIO when we did it- they were not 7 weeks old- they were 8 or 9 months old and like I said before, it only took a couple of times before they got it. My boys have no negative feelings about bedtime. When it's time, they grab their lovies and off we go. Also, I'm not a tyrant- I know their cries and if I hear a cry that is more than being tired, I go to them. I don't let them cry through pain or sickness- I'm not a monster. CIO was the right choice for my family and yes, I needed to get more sleep. Getting up with twins is exhausting and having a rested mama makes it better for everyone, not just me.
I'm the same as you, Erin. I never let her cry it out as a baby. I still can't stand to hear her cry and she just turned 3. I've often wondered if the whole CIO thing makes me cringe because of her sister, who I never got to hear cry, and never got to comfort.
Blech. I hate this debate. But I understand why people are so passionate about their respective views on the matter.
I'm a mother of two children with very different temperaments. I've combined CIO, co-sleeping and other methods to good effect for all of us.
I'm only 5 yrs into this parenting gig, but I have to say that flexibility has served me well. Never saying 'never' has helped me parent with less guilt and anxiety.. I don't feel limited to rigid sets of options or rules. It just works for us.
That being said, its not an anything goes approach either. We are both psychologists (which is probably a liability as much as it is an asset to our parenting! LOL).
Human behavior is influenced by so many things (including genetics and heavily so, I might add). While I'd like to believe my children will grow to be fabulously smart, happy and successful b/c of my parenting... truth is, they might just get there in spite of me ;)
Sounds like everyone here is smart and 100% dedicated to loving and supporting their babies. I don't think a kid can ask for anything more.
ITA.. makes me sad to hear babies cryng. Gwen is almost 4 and I still hate when she cries... although sometimes now there is NO helping.. I loved the days when all she needed was a boob in her mouth to be happy! hehe
One thing that I've always said is that when my kids are 10, 20, 30 years old.. I will NEVER look back and say, I comforted them and spent too much time with them in my arms... and that feeling is EVEN stronger since losing Dresden.
We never did CIO. I think it is great that you are listening to your instincts. My son slept with us until he was 25 months old. (He is around the same age as Birdie would be, dear soul, I started reading your blog when we were both pregnant.) Just a few weeks ago I just had this feeling that he was ready for his own bed and his own space. He is now sleeping in his own bed for naps and at night, falls asleep contentedly knowing that I am listening to his every peep on the monitor. I am so glad that we never made him cry or rushed him into his own bed. We just knew when he was ready, from knowing him and watching his signals. Keep following your instincts, mama!
Well said. It especially pains me with the wee ones, the ones that are at the store too long, that are too stimulated by the noises/odors/light outdoors or in.
This scenario makes me unravel even though it has been almost a year since the milk let down upon those sounds.
When they are people I sort of know I just swoop in. I just don't know how to manage when they are strangers.
sigh...
glad you are following your heart and taking each day for what it is.
After reading through the comments I just had to come back and say that I agree with the comments about flexibility and child temperment and things like that.
I also think age is an important consideration as is bedtime routines. I've used a variety of methods when it comes to sleep, etc
And sometimes you just can't calm your baby down, it happens, and I'm sure those are the times other parents shake their heads at me :-)
but the mom who sits on the phone talking with her little one and treats it as a learning experience for the babe are the situations that pain me
As a mom of twin girls who are 8 months, I have come to realize that someone is going to be in tears from time to time...and sometimes that person is me. As Akeeyu wisely said "with twins, the neglect is built in". She was being facetious, but I understand the sentiment.
I can't be there all the time for everyone and still function as a loving mom and partner. I get up 3-4 times a night on a good night, and sometimes I have to leave them for a crying jag in the crib, and sometimes I cry from exhaustion.
But in the main, we are a happy little unit...smiles all around.
We have used a variety of methods to help them sleep better. Frankly, the most effective so far has been to move them both into a nursery, together, in cribs that face each other. Co-sleeping is a three ring circus with twins once they are mobile.
As I said on another blog - I sincerely doubt many people shut the door to the nursery for 12 hours and leave their child/ren to cry all night. I don't know anyone in real life who has done this. I think it's a bit of an urban (or suburban) myth.
I might be that woman pushing a stroller and one of my gorgeous girls might be crying in it - sometimes I've got my hands full of groceries, or I've tried to comfort and it didn't work, or I forgot to bring my Ergo, or I'm by myself and they're both crying, or I wore the wrong stupid dress for nursing etc etc. When it happens, I go home ASAP so I can change pants/nurse/feed in a quiet place or whatever needs to happen.
And trust me, 3 miscarriages, and 5 failed IVF cycles - I wanted these babies just as much as the next infertile. I cherish every day, every giggle, every new discovery. It's my life's joy and it's hard too.
There's not much I judge other parents on except feeding their kid Lunchables and letting them watch Baby Einstein ;-). I don't know their lives, their situations, their way of doing things. Most kids turn out just fine. Attachment comes naturally to most parent/child relationships - even kids who are fed Lunchables.
I agree with you for the most part, except I don't believe that CIO to any degree is wrong. Different families, different children= different situations. You just have to do the best you can as a parent and while I cringed at any sort of CIO for my first, I couldn't help at times but have to let my second child cry until I could respond. Dealing with a toddler at times just didn't allow me to run to my baby. At first I felt so guilty but then I realized that for the most part the AP community (on certain forums) were really responsible for those guilty feelings and at times, down right nasty about it too. While I really love AP parenting, its the most judgmental community IMO. Having more than one child, I've realized that you can't be super AP mom and I'm ok with that. Just remember that even with our different parenting styles, we are all mamas and need support from one another.
I think there's a difference between having to take care of your eldest and let the baby cry (ie not stretching yourself thin - i've had to do the same on occasion), and crying it out because it's bed time.
i also feel that it's different for older children than it is for babies. toddlers and older children have at least an idea about what the bed time routine is and that you've asked them to stay in bed. (much like not allowing them up from a time out)
even then i still listen to my toddlers and accommodate to their needs, not force them to cry themselves to sleep.
The more children I have and the more women I doula, the more I realize that all families are different and all children are different. My goal is to empower moms to trust what they know to be right for their children and families. I spent so much time feeling guilty for my choices with my first - terrible for not letting him cry, terrible for letting him cry... With number two I just followed my little guy's lead and we figured it out together. He cried at times. And I let him. And I don't feel the need to justify it. I used to though and I could have easily written this post a couple of years ago. I also could have been that mom you saw the kid screaming in the stroller. It's never as black and white as it seems.
Post a Comment