Birdie Love In Milwuakee
It's been so wonderful to see all of our good friends here in Milwaukee. Most of whom we have not seen in 2 years, most of whom we have not seen in the days and months that have passed us by since Birdie died. Though many of them know for the most part what happened on the early morning of her silent birth, there are details that can only be told orally. Yesterday I told the story with a huge open heart to one of our dear friends as it felt so important to tell her and she was very open to listen. Somehow I told the details and no tears came. She listened and asked questions. Though it's so hard to really express sometimes just how raw, just how gut wrenching...how utterly smashed and wripped apart we were and still are to people. It's so hard to convey that we are not exactly who we once were, though I know there are those who see it, others may not. We are still so broken from what we experienced, we will always be.
So, it was good to share in person with this dear sweet friend the details. At the same time it was hard for me at first to see her. She is a new mama you see with a beautiful living, breathing babe of 7 months. Her little love is just heavenly to gaze upon, with skin as soft as Birdie's was. Though I loved to hear about her experience of mamahood, the trials she experienced with breastfeeding, it ached and pinged at my heart a little. I wish that it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could share stories of nursing our little angel to sleep, her sleeping patterns, lack of sleeping...everything that we should have been able to experience. I feel like a Mama, but then I am missing all the good parts. I am not able to nurture my child and watch her grow. Yes, I gave birth to my child, I gave birth to her and I was asleep when I did so. She was born without a single breathe, without a chance...she was there and she was silent, not a billow of air would fill her sweet little lungs. She would never have the chance to nurse from my awaiting breasts that soon would fill with milk. No, she would only lay upon my chest, heavy with silence and stillness. Her beauty would only be blessed upon us for 3 days (and then remembered in pictures).
And the milk...the milk did come in, though I did (and was encouraged to) dry it up immediately. For days I drank sage tea, bound my breasts with cold cabbage leaves and waited for it to dissapate, I dared my breasts to spill forth that milk. My body did not, my body gave in and the milk dissapated. For days I used nursing pads in my bra after the cold cabbage had done its duty. The creamy yellowish dried droplets of milk would form and dry next to my breast, and at night I would remove the pads to see.
Then, here I am now. 23 weeks pregnant with a child that we hope will become our new little miracle, born alive and crying, alive a breathing, alive with a heartbeat and that sweet newborn smell. I'm still handling the pregnancy well so far, it is helping to feel the baby moving. I am starting to notice some patterns of movement, that to is a little re-assuring...as I near when I start my kick counting.
For today I am so very thankful for this little Bunny, I am thankful for every kick and punch. I can only hope that this baby makes it, that we get to hear the cries we have longed to hear.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Milwaukee!
Yes we are in Milwaukee Wisconsin! For those of you who don't know we used to live out here while Matt was in Grad School. He was in the Graduate Film Program at UWM and graduated 3 years ago. We were so sad to leave all of our beautiful friends behind, but we had to finish planning our wedding and figure out where we were going on our life together. The last time we were here was 2 years ago, around this time and we were pregnant with Birdie, I think 8 weeks pregnant.
It's so great to be back here, we miss our "Riverwest" neighborhood and all of the very close friends we made. We are so fortunate to have them, they are true friends and more like family to us.
So we are here, and 2 of these beautiful friends are getting married and we are beyond thrilled for them. They are so right for each other, they complement each other and support each other in their creative endevours. I love going to weddings, especially when I know deep down that the relationship is meant to be. Old souls brought together in a strong friendship and truest love. Its a beautiful thing!
Today we shall hit up many of our old haunts, and hopefully get a nap in too. We are also going to be searching out a new temp. wedding band for me as I cannot fit into my wedding band or my engagement ring anymore...
Bunny is really moving around in my belly, kicking and punching me and I am so in love with him or her. Just like with Birdie, every movement that I feel is a miracle and so very very precious. However, this time I have to stop and pause a but longer and take it in because I know so well that this could all end suddenly and without warning.
Here's to Milwaukee, here's to Kate & Jeremy and of course to Birdie and Bunny!
Yes we are in Milwaukee Wisconsin! For those of you who don't know we used to live out here while Matt was in Grad School. He was in the Graduate Film Program at UWM and graduated 3 years ago. We were so sad to leave all of our beautiful friends behind, but we had to finish planning our wedding and figure out where we were going on our life together. The last time we were here was 2 years ago, around this time and we were pregnant with Birdie, I think 8 weeks pregnant.
It's so great to be back here, we miss our "Riverwest" neighborhood and all of the very close friends we made. We are so fortunate to have them, they are true friends and more like family to us.
So we are here, and 2 of these beautiful friends are getting married and we are beyond thrilled for them. They are so right for each other, they complement each other and support each other in their creative endevours. I love going to weddings, especially when I know deep down that the relationship is meant to be. Old souls brought together in a strong friendship and truest love. Its a beautiful thing!
Today we shall hit up many of our old haunts, and hopefully get a nap in too. We are also going to be searching out a new temp. wedding band for me as I cannot fit into my wedding band or my engagement ring anymore...
Bunny is really moving around in my belly, kicking and punching me and I am so in love with him or her. Just like with Birdie, every movement that I feel is a miracle and so very very precious. However, this time I have to stop and pause a but longer and take it in because I know so well that this could all end suddenly and without warning.
Here's to Milwaukee, here's to Kate & Jeremy and of course to Birdie and Bunny!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
22 Weeks?
We had a Midwife (and OB) apt. today. Apparently they have a new protocol for dating pregnancies....and so after looking at the data from the 16 week ultrasound, they have changed my "due date" back to October 24th. However, I have an agreement with this baby that they must not come that late! We asked our Doc for a later ultraosund with doppler just to see that the cord blood is flowing along smoothly. We are also going to have as many NST's as we want! Our Doc is also pregnant, she is around 17 weeks or so! She has 4 living children, and one that she carried to term knowing that the child was not compatible with life. So, she herself is a loss mama.
So, after thinking that I was about the be 23 weeks come saturday...I will be 22 weeks again. It seems so confusing but that is how it going to be I guess. I liked being a week further along. The truth is that only this baby will know when he or she is ready to be born, however I am going to do as many "natural" things to get labor started as I can....accupunture etc.
This past sunday, Fathers Day our local SHARE group has a butterfly release (i can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post). It was beautiful. The children who were present also really enjoyed it as you will see...
We had a Midwife (and OB) apt. today. Apparently they have a new protocol for dating pregnancies....and so after looking at the data from the 16 week ultrasound, they have changed my "due date" back to October 24th. However, I have an agreement with this baby that they must not come that late! We asked our Doc for a later ultraosund with doppler just to see that the cord blood is flowing along smoothly. We are also going to have as many NST's as we want! Our Doc is also pregnant, she is around 17 weeks or so! She has 4 living children, and one that she carried to term knowing that the child was not compatible with life. So, she herself is a loss mama.
So, after thinking that I was about the be 23 weeks come saturday...I will be 22 weeks again. It seems so confusing but that is how it going to be I guess. I liked being a week further along. The truth is that only this baby will know when he or she is ready to be born, however I am going to do as many "natural" things to get labor started as I can....accupunture etc.
This past sunday, Fathers Day our local SHARE group has a butterfly release (i can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post). It was beautiful. The children who were present also really enjoyed it as you will see...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Papa's Day
A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.
I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.
I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.
A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.
I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.
I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Break From My Normal Posts.
There was a huge warehouse fire last night in my town. It happened in a old abandonded paper mill. We were walking Macy around 11:15pm or so and on the way home noticed a huge pillar of billowing smoke not so far off in the distance....we all jumped in the car and headed to the source:
There was a huge warehouse fire last night in my town. It happened in a old abandonded paper mill. We were walking Macy around 11:15pm or so and on the way home noticed a huge pillar of billowing smoke not so far off in the distance....we all jumped in the car and headed to the source:
Friday, June 06, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
Beauty In Everything
There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.
There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Somehow all the many words that I want to say lately here are escaping me. I'm not sure why this is happening because it feels so good to just get everything out through words. I have been enjoying each day of this blessed pregnancy, and our little bunny is definitely starting to do some thumping. Every few days feeling this baby becomes more pronounced, and I am more assured of this new little life that lives within me. Its a glorious feeling, this baby is a miracle. This next week at the end of the week I will be 21 weeks. I will be 21 weeks and if am to go to 40 weeks it will be 19 weeks until this baby could be born. However, I hope that from the 21 week point that there will only be 17 or so weeks to go. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I just don't want to go anywhere near 40 weeks.
Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!
Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
18 Weeks, 19 Weeks almost 20 Weeks!
I have been pretty absent from this blog for last week or so. Believe me there is a lot on my mind, but I just couldn't get it onto the blog. I have been feeling somewhat guilty that I haven't been writing as much about Birdie, as this is really her blog. I guess sometimes maybe I run out of new things to say. I miss her still so fiercely, and I still cry over her many nights. I don't want to say that this pregnancy is taking away my deep pain, but I do think that it is helping with some of the hopelessness that has been stirring within my heart for so long. This baby is giving me a renewed hope, and although I don't wish to rush to the end of this pregnancy...I can say that the days seem to be flowing pretty smoothly and I am not dwelling on how much longer I have to go. This pregnancy seems to be going along at a pace I can handle, a pace not too slow and not too fast. With Birdie I was so carefree and it was fine that it seemed to go somewhat slowly. As many of you know very well, the subsequent cannot be so carefree.
As of last week I believed that I was in my 18th week, well the 18 week ultrasound (photos below this post) that we had last wednesday put the baby 6 days ahead. So, when we had our midwife appointment on friday of last week, they changed my due date to Oct 18th. However, we did discuss that there is some room in there that the dates are not exact. Even so, I have made an agreement with this baby that labor WILL begin at 38.5 weeks! We also talked about a few of the "natural" ways to stimulate labor...Evening Primrose Oil, Acupuncture...lots of lovin! =) I just know that if I get anywhere close to where I was with Birdie (41.5 weeks) that I will become panic stricken and perhaps a little crazy with worry.
The other thing we talked about was my weight, in the last month I gained 10 pounds! WHOA! The midwife asked me about my diet, she discovered that perhaps the juice I had been drinking could be the culprit. I was drinking at least 2 big glasses of OJ and apple or grape juice. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! She said she would rather see me eat and orange than drink a glass, as it takes about 10 oranges to make 1 glass! Plus since the baby is now fully formed the extra folic acid isn't needed (there is enough in my pre-natal anyway). So, bye bye juice (except for in middle of the night when I take a swig of apple juice). I'm going to have to drink something besides water though....ugh. I can't stand the taste of water first thing in the morning.
So, I am gaining too much weight a little too fast (my thoughts, nobody has said that to me). However, I know that perhaps I gained too much with Birdie. I mean I was so fucking huge! I know I will probably get bug again, but if I can help it at all I want to. I have been pretty bad about getting to the gym, but I have been exercising a good lot by walking the dog 2 to 3 times a day with at least one 1hour walk if not longer. I have also been wanting to get back to pre-nantal yoga, but the class I used to take doesn't exist! Now I am having a hard time finding something else close to me WTF!
So, to recap this long post. As of early last week we thought I was 18 weeks, by the end of the week I was told that really I was 19 weeks. So, this week at the end of the week I will be 20 weeks! Also, I am finally most definitely feeling some kicks or punches and its SUCH A RELIEF! Its not frequent yet, but I feel certain it will be very soon. I'm still feeling good, and my energy level is good too.
So far, so good. Oh, and did I mention how adorable the baby was when we had the ultrasound? The baby was so squirmy, at one point when were looking at the screen it looked like the baby had turned to look at us (but of course it hadn't), we also got to see the baby open it's mouth to take a little drink...so amazing, so beautiful and I still see Birdie's profile in this little miracles profile. Everything looked good. So far, so good.
The first picture here is the one where the baby looks like it was looking at us, the second, baby is opening its mouth to take a drink...
I have been pretty absent from this blog for last week or so. Believe me there is a lot on my mind, but I just couldn't get it onto the blog. I have been feeling somewhat guilty that I haven't been writing as much about Birdie, as this is really her blog. I guess sometimes maybe I run out of new things to say. I miss her still so fiercely, and I still cry over her many nights. I don't want to say that this pregnancy is taking away my deep pain, but I do think that it is helping with some of the hopelessness that has been stirring within my heart for so long. This baby is giving me a renewed hope, and although I don't wish to rush to the end of this pregnancy...I can say that the days seem to be flowing pretty smoothly and I am not dwelling on how much longer I have to go. This pregnancy seems to be going along at a pace I can handle, a pace not too slow and not too fast. With Birdie I was so carefree and it was fine that it seemed to go somewhat slowly. As many of you know very well, the subsequent cannot be so carefree.
As of last week I believed that I was in my 18th week, well the 18 week ultrasound (photos below this post) that we had last wednesday put the baby 6 days ahead. So, when we had our midwife appointment on friday of last week, they changed my due date to Oct 18th. However, we did discuss that there is some room in there that the dates are not exact. Even so, I have made an agreement with this baby that labor WILL begin at 38.5 weeks! We also talked about a few of the "natural" ways to stimulate labor...Evening Primrose Oil, Acupuncture...lots of lovin! =) I just know that if I get anywhere close to where I was with Birdie (41.5 weeks) that I will become panic stricken and perhaps a little crazy with worry.
The other thing we talked about was my weight, in the last month I gained 10 pounds! WHOA! The midwife asked me about my diet, she discovered that perhaps the juice I had been drinking could be the culprit. I was drinking at least 2 big glasses of OJ and apple or grape juice. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! She said she would rather see me eat and orange than drink a glass, as it takes about 10 oranges to make 1 glass! Plus since the baby is now fully formed the extra folic acid isn't needed (there is enough in my pre-natal anyway). So, bye bye juice (except for in middle of the night when I take a swig of apple juice). I'm going to have to drink something besides water though....ugh. I can't stand the taste of water first thing in the morning.
So, I am gaining too much weight a little too fast (my thoughts, nobody has said that to me). However, I know that perhaps I gained too much with Birdie. I mean I was so fucking huge! I know I will probably get bug again, but if I can help it at all I want to. I have been pretty bad about getting to the gym, but I have been exercising a good lot by walking the dog 2 to 3 times a day with at least one 1hour walk if not longer. I have also been wanting to get back to pre-nantal yoga, but the class I used to take doesn't exist! Now I am having a hard time finding something else close to me WTF!
So, to recap this long post. As of early last week we thought I was 18 weeks, by the end of the week I was told that really I was 19 weeks. So, this week at the end of the week I will be 20 weeks! Also, I am finally most definitely feeling some kicks or punches and its SUCH A RELIEF! Its not frequent yet, but I feel certain it will be very soon. I'm still feeling good, and my energy level is good too.
So far, so good. Oh, and did I mention how adorable the baby was when we had the ultrasound? The baby was so squirmy, at one point when were looking at the screen it looked like the baby had turned to look at us (but of course it hadn't), we also got to see the baby open it's mouth to take a little drink...so amazing, so beautiful and I still see Birdie's profile in this little miracles profile. Everything looked good. So far, so good.
The first picture here is the one where the baby looks like it was looking at us, the second, baby is opening its mouth to take a drink...
Friday, May 16, 2008
Here's my 17 week belly. I must say that it feels really good to have such a nice round belly again. What a relief to be "looking" and feeling pregnant again. I think that I might be feeling some little punches and kicks every now and then, but I can't be entirely sure yet. I need to look back on the blog to see when I started to feel Birdie moving around...she was so adorable when she did move within my womb.
More 17 Week photos here
More 17 Week photos here
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
MOTHERS DAY WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES IS TODAY!
I don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but there is a Mothers Day Walk To Remember our Babies today, the local Northampton Mass SHARE group that we go to is hosting it. The "Our Children In Our Hearts Walk", it is happening today, Saturday May 10 at 3:00PM at Childs Park in Northampton Ma. If you are in Ma I strongly urge to to come and join us, it is such a lovely event, plus we have organized a Fathers Day Butterfly Release and Picnic that we will be talking about and having flyers out for. So, Mothers of those children who are with us in spirit, and in our hearts...please come. You will be bathed in love and caring, and surrounded by those who understand.
Love you all of you on this Mothers Day Weekend.
Erin
I don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but there is a Mothers Day Walk To Remember our Babies today, the local Northampton Mass SHARE group that we go to is hosting it. The "Our Children In Our Hearts Walk", it is happening today, Saturday May 10 at 3:00PM at Childs Park in Northampton Ma. If you are in Ma I strongly urge to to come and join us, it is such a lovely event, plus we have organized a Fathers Day Butterfly Release and Picnic that we will be talking about and having flyers out for. So, Mothers of those children who are with us in spirit, and in our hearts...please come. You will be bathed in love and caring, and surrounded by those who understand.
Love you all of you on this Mothers Day Weekend.
Erin
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
16 Weeks.
Holy shit, really am I going to be 16 weeks pregnant?
I have been keeping myself pretty busy for the last few months and maybe that is how I have gotten to 16 weeks so quickly? When I stop and look down at my growing belly, which seems to be growing at a rapid rate I still can't believe that the belly I see is mine. I am having a hard time sometimes really letting go for this one...I want to bond, and I do, but some days this is all just too surreal for me. It feels a little too dejavu at times. Maybe once I start to feel movement and I am sure that it's movement and not gas, then things will feel more solid for me. I hate that I get to a semi-detached place in my mind from this pregnancy. I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Birdie, I feel good, I feel happy and besides the Hypothyroid so far everything seems to be going well. Have any of you had trouble bonding with subsequent babies in utero?
The other thing that is on my mind is this photo project. As you may know I have been working on and thinking about for a good long time now this "Family Portrait" project. I am getting back into it now, and starting to take new photos of any objects that we have collected or been given to remember Birdie by.
I am also trying so hard to work on my artists statement more because I am getting my shit together to submit these photos to galleries. I want so much for these photos to be seen by many, to effect many. Now, I need to ask those of you who are writers and I know that many of you are...could you or would you take a look at my most recent statement and tell me what you think? I am not the best at articulating my ideas through writing so I need all the help I can get to make this statement as strong as it can be.
"Family Portrait explores the invisibility of grief in our American society. Why do we hide from our grief, pain and sorrow (and the grief, pain and sorrow of others?) Why do we as a culture encourage this behavior for each other? What are we ashamed of? I ask this question in regards specific to when the death we hide from is that of a child.
Not until a recent tragic, and horrific loss in my own life, the death of my first born child Birdie who was stillborn on March 3, 2007 have I ever questioned the way in which we "handle" death in this country. The traumatic death of my child, and the intense grief and anger that are with me everyday since have raised so many questions about public grieving for me. As a grieving mother I have become an advocate for speaking out about my grief, my pain and my anger. I have not been and will not be quiet about the death of my daughter.
After Birdie’s death, and while still in the hospital with her we photographed her and each other with her. Even though we were deep in shock, we knew to photograph was right and important, as the days we would have with her would be our only moments with her. With this “evidence of experience” that we have to look upon we retain the searing trauma, intense anger and manic pain of the death of our child."
Holy shit, really am I going to be 16 weeks pregnant?
I have been keeping myself pretty busy for the last few months and maybe that is how I have gotten to 16 weeks so quickly? When I stop and look down at my growing belly, which seems to be growing at a rapid rate I still can't believe that the belly I see is mine. I am having a hard time sometimes really letting go for this one...I want to bond, and I do, but some days this is all just too surreal for me. It feels a little too dejavu at times. Maybe once I start to feel movement and I am sure that it's movement and not gas, then things will feel more solid for me. I hate that I get to a semi-detached place in my mind from this pregnancy. I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Birdie, I feel good, I feel happy and besides the Hypothyroid so far everything seems to be going well. Have any of you had trouble bonding with subsequent babies in utero?
The other thing that is on my mind is this photo project. As you may know I have been working on and thinking about for a good long time now this "Family Portrait" project. I am getting back into it now, and starting to take new photos of any objects that we have collected or been given to remember Birdie by.
I am also trying so hard to work on my artists statement more because I am getting my shit together to submit these photos to galleries. I want so much for these photos to be seen by many, to effect many. Now, I need to ask those of you who are writers and I know that many of you are...could you or would you take a look at my most recent statement and tell me what you think? I am not the best at articulating my ideas through writing so I need all the help I can get to make this statement as strong as it can be.
"Family Portrait explores the invisibility of grief in our American society. Why do we hide from our grief, pain and sorrow (and the grief, pain and sorrow of others?) Why do we as a culture encourage this behavior for each other? What are we ashamed of? I ask this question in regards specific to when the death we hide from is that of a child.
Not until a recent tragic, and horrific loss in my own life, the death of my first born child Birdie who was stillborn on March 3, 2007 have I ever questioned the way in which we "handle" death in this country. The traumatic death of my child, and the intense grief and anger that are with me everyday since have raised so many questions about public grieving for me. As a grieving mother I have become an advocate for speaking out about my grief, my pain and my anger. I have not been and will not be quiet about the death of my daughter.
After Birdie’s death, and while still in the hospital with her we photographed her and each other with her. Even though we were deep in shock, we knew to photograph was right and important, as the days we would have with her would be our only moments with her. With this “evidence of experience” that we have to look upon we retain the searing trauma, intense anger and manic pain of the death of our child."
Sunday, May 04, 2008
15 Weeks 4 Days, So Far So Good.
Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I am doing ok mentally, I have just been working (I have a new and pretty rad job!). I have also been trying to get my act together to submit my photos to galleries in the area and continuing to work on/build upon the photo project.
I am feeling pretty good, no sickness or anything so I guess I am lucky for that. It has gotten a little tricky with the eating thing/my hypothyroid/being vegetarian. I have been reading a little about eating fish, i.e. the safest fish to eat while pregnant. It seems from the info I have found that Wild Alaskan Salmon seems to be the safest. However, before I really do start to go that route I am going to speak with my dietitian about it. It's going to be weird to start to eat fish again...I have been vegetarian for more than 10 years! I must do what I have to do for my body and this baby.
At our last midwife apt (CNM apt) last friday, she was pretty sure that she felt my uterus was measuring higher than normal for 14 weeks. She told us it could be that I was carrying twins, further along that we had thought or that I had a fibroid. Well, we had an ultrasound this past friday...and we have one beautiful little life, no twins, no fibroid. It was a little bit dejavu at first going into that ultrasound room, as we couldn't help be reminded of Birdie. It was good though, and what a relief to see little babe on the screen, to see him or her moving around and to see that heart beating away. It was amazing and it was instant love! We have been both having some trouble bonding, but after seeing the baby within my womb I am at peace with this pregnancy and can feel the bond that was always there...it was just hiding under a protective layer in my mind and in my heart. It was so AWESOME to see this baby! It was also so cool to see the baby's profile, which I do think looks a lot like Birdie's did. We have some pictures and were looking at them against Birdies...there is definitely a resemblance!
So, you can probably tell from the tone of my writing that I am doing pretty well with the pregnancy. I just can't allow myself to dwell on all the bad that could happen. It would drive me crazy if I did that, and I want to enjoy this baby as he or she grows within me. It's only fair to do so for all our sakes.
Here are some photos of babe in utero:
Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I am doing ok mentally, I have just been working (I have a new and pretty rad job!). I have also been trying to get my act together to submit my photos to galleries in the area and continuing to work on/build upon the photo project.
I am feeling pretty good, no sickness or anything so I guess I am lucky for that. It has gotten a little tricky with the eating thing/my hypothyroid/being vegetarian. I have been reading a little about eating fish, i.e. the safest fish to eat while pregnant. It seems from the info I have found that Wild Alaskan Salmon seems to be the safest. However, before I really do start to go that route I am going to speak with my dietitian about it. It's going to be weird to start to eat fish again...I have been vegetarian for more than 10 years! I must do what I have to do for my body and this baby.
At our last midwife apt (CNM apt) last friday, she was pretty sure that she felt my uterus was measuring higher than normal for 14 weeks. She told us it could be that I was carrying twins, further along that we had thought or that I had a fibroid. Well, we had an ultrasound this past friday...and we have one beautiful little life, no twins, no fibroid. It was a little bit dejavu at first going into that ultrasound room, as we couldn't help be reminded of Birdie. It was good though, and what a relief to see little babe on the screen, to see him or her moving around and to see that heart beating away. It was amazing and it was instant love! We have been both having some trouble bonding, but after seeing the baby within my womb I am at peace with this pregnancy and can feel the bond that was always there...it was just hiding under a protective layer in my mind and in my heart. It was so AWESOME to see this baby! It was also so cool to see the baby's profile, which I do think looks a lot like Birdie's did. We have some pictures and were looking at them against Birdies...there is definitely a resemblance!
So, you can probably tell from the tone of my writing that I am doing pretty well with the pregnancy. I just can't allow myself to dwell on all the bad that could happen. It would drive me crazy if I did that, and I want to enjoy this baby as he or she grows within me. It's only fair to do so for all our sakes.
Here are some photos of babe in utero:
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Results
So after much anxiety and having to wait. Yes, the office was closed yesterday...then on top of that today I had to wait for the doctor to call in to review my results because he is away for 2 weeks! After all that the bloodwork showed that the level only went up .1, I think that is right. It was 4.91 3 weeks ago and as of friday was 5.1. So, I am starting 1 tablet (100 mcg) of synthroid tonight (and every night) before bed on an empty tummy, and I have my blood work re-checked in 6 weeks. I do feel a little better knowing that at least I can start being treated for this. However, I did make my great concern known to the nurse at the endo's office when I spoke with her. She made it clear that in no way was the doctor making me wait (3 weeks) for no reason to have the apt I had friday. That if after looking at my chart (3 weeks ago) I should have come in earlier then they would have had me come in. So, I don't really know how I feel about all that...and perhaps we will do some doc shopping. I was told about a "more cutting edge" endo doc that is only about an hour from our house. He has written a book about hypothroidism and also has a video that I watched where he talks all about hypothyroid and he seems to really "get it". Plus he has a very holistic approach (i.e. diet, excersise, yoga etc) to treatment of hypothyroidism as well as using conventional medicines of course.
Anyway, I am feeling much less anxiety right now. So I feel good for now.
So after much anxiety and having to wait. Yes, the office was closed yesterday...then on top of that today I had to wait for the doctor to call in to review my results because he is away for 2 weeks! After all that the bloodwork showed that the level only went up .1, I think that is right. It was 4.91 3 weeks ago and as of friday was 5.1. So, I am starting 1 tablet (100 mcg) of synthroid tonight (and every night) before bed on an empty tummy, and I have my blood work re-checked in 6 weeks. I do feel a little better knowing that at least I can start being treated for this. However, I did make my great concern known to the nurse at the endo's office when I spoke with her. She made it clear that in no way was the doctor making me wait (3 weeks) for no reason to have the apt I had friday. That if after looking at my chart (3 weeks ago) I should have come in earlier then they would have had me come in. So, I don't really know how I feel about all that...and perhaps we will do some doc shopping. I was told about a "more cutting edge" endo doc that is only about an hour from our house. He has written a book about hypothroidism and also has a video that I watched where he talks all about hypothyroid and he seems to really "get it". Plus he has a very holistic approach (i.e. diet, excersise, yoga etc) to treatment of hypothyroidism as well as using conventional medicines of course.
Anyway, I am feeling much less anxiety right now. So I feel good for now.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Damned Patriots Day!
So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!
So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
This Different Spring
I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.
I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.
What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.
However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.
I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.
I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.
What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.
However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Warm Spring Air & A Little Anxiety
Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.
However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.
So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.
edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.
Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.
However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.
So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.
edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.
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