Unplug Your Ears.
To those of you who read this blog who were fortunate to have a safe and successful birth in your home, bless you.
Unfortunately, my baby died very likely because of my choice to birth at home. So forever I am a Mama who will never ever be in support homebirth. It scares the shit out of me when I hear about someone that I or a friend knows who is considering homebirth. Belt's comment from my last post states it all so clearly...
"I was a strong proponent of natural birth/homebirth until everything that possibly could go wrong did go wrong during the course of my labor. Perhaps my decision to have a hospital birth is one of the reasons I have my son with me here today. Perhaps that was not a factor at all. I think it had to have been, as I required a c-section delivery.
There are happy home birth stories and sad home birth stories. Although there are women can rejoice in sharing a happy story, I think it is important to not let that joy detract from the very real, very sad stories that often fall on deaf or plugged ears. There are risks and uncertainties in home birth and we need to listen to the Mamas coming from a place of unwanted experience and unfortunate wisdom."
I am not saying all these things lightly, and I am not saying them without a VERY heavy heart. I simply feel the need to express once more just how seriously dangerous this choice CAN be.
Please don't tell me that homebirth is safe, that babies die in hospitals etc. As I said before, NO SHIT! My life is wrapped in a blanket of dead baby, OK? I know about ALL the ways that a baby can die, my life has been touched by this knowledge and so have the lives of many beautiful families that I now call friends, people whom I care very deeply for.
My point is this. You NEVER know what your body is going to do during labor. You just don't. You can think, you can feel so certain that you KNOW. But, you don't. Case in point, when I was in labor (going for VBAC) with Holdyn, I labored for more than 24 hours and simply could not progress past 9.5 cm. We tried all the midwifery tricks (I had CNM's), then Holdyn's heart rate dipped very low a few times. This happened after a few regular dips earlier, dips in his heart rate that were not concerning but normal. However, the last few were more alarming because I was NOT progressing and could have began to cause him distress (even though he did not show signs of this). So, we simply had to get him out, and it was not an emergency, however...when he was born we knew right away why he was not able to progress into my birth canal. My cervix had a Bandel's Ring...and Holdyn was stuck, there was no way he was going to be born vaginally.
" A Bandel's (retraction) ring develops from the physiological ring and is often -- but not always -- the result of an obstructed labor. Sometimes it can actually be seen as an abdominal indentation, signifying impending rupture of the lower uterine segment. If this should happen, death of the fetus ensues and maternal death is imminent, if nothing is done.
Immediate cesarean birth is usually carried out if this ring is seen, but usually the length of labor has been prolonged and caesarean birth is indicated anyway. CPD, or cephalopelvic disproportion, is the prime cause for an obstructed labor but, occasionally, it could be due to malposition, malpresentation, obstetric manipulations, twins, maternal fatigue and failed forceps delivery. The shape of the uterus can be normal, but this condition develops in late labor."
Now, let's move this scenario into the homebirthing world. There you are, at home, you have progressed to 9.5 cm. You stay at 9.5 cm for a good 3 hrs at least after more than 24 hrs of labor. Your baby's heart rate is steady upon each 10-15 minute check. However, in between the intermittent heart rate checks by the midwife, 2 very low dips in heart rate are missed...signs that your baby COULD soon go into fetal distress. You are then checked again, the heart rate is normal perhaps...
You are checked again...the heart rate of your baby has dropped.
You change positions, baby's heart rate is still very low....you are now in an emergency situation.
Everybody rushes in a calm manner to get you dressed and into the car, maybe you have a 5 minute ride to the hospital, maybe you have a 1/2 hr ride to the hospital. No matter how long it takes you, you have no control of what is going on within your womb, your baby is beginning to distress and this may or may not go even more down hill as you make your way to the hospital.
You see where I am going with this right?
I know that everyone wants to believe in birth, that it is always so natural and safe...that hospitals are BAD, doctors are BAD etc. All that bullshit that has been plugged into the ears of innocent believing women (I used to be one of these people!). My ears were plugged, I believed in the beauty and wisdom of my body and birth, that "My Body Knows Just What To Do". It is simply a dangerous emotional belief, a belief that so many women hold onto SO tightly that they unknowingly blind themselves into believing against their baby's best interest. Again, I WAS ONE OF THESE WOMEN.
All I am trying to say through all of this is this: Hospital/Birth Center births CAN BE a beautiful glorious place to birth. Regardless of how you end up giving birth to your child. All you MUST do is seek out the right place to give birth, meet with the staff, get to know your CNM's and the docs very well. Express over and over again WHAT YOU WANT, put your foot down about WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANT. Also knowing way back in the back closet of your mind...that if your labor doesn't go in the rosey manner you had envisioned and planned so long for, that you might have to give birth via c-section. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE IS YOUR BABY!
I know that there are hospitals/birth centers out there much like the one that Birdie was born at (remember the doctor tried in vain to save her), and Holdyn...I have NO regrets that he was born via c-section. It very well could have saved his life. If I had been stupid enough to attempt another homebirth, or "freebirth" he probably would not be here right now, beautifully sleeping upon my breast.
I wonder how many more of US there are out there, but are just to scared to speak up for fear of being pounced on by the homebirthing believers? I am scared of nobody at this point, I will debate this issue until I die, and even then the memory of the event that may well have caused my daughter's death will live on.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
On My Mind
I have so very much to share, about the gallery opening this past saturday, about Holdyn, about Birdie and the topic that inevitably invades me around this time of the year. Homebirth. I think about this a lot, but a conversation that I had yesterday sort of accidentally at an Attachment Parenting group got me thinking about it heavily. There were 2 mothers there who had been lucky enough to have successful homebirths. I left with a nasty taste in my mouth and a pang in my heart. The conversation about this was light, but I felt the tears welling up as I told one of the mothers how I was so very happy that she had her baby there with her and alive, the other mother who was more gentle about the subject quietly told me when it was just me and her that she too had given birth at home, I again expressed my joy that she had her baby there with her. I explained that I could not help but feel great concern over homebirth, and for mothers who even entertain the thought of going "through" with it.
I have much more to say about this, about everything on my mind. I need to get it all out and up here, I will try to later this evening. I also have pictures of dear little Holdyn!!! 4 1/2 months! Can you believe it!
xo--Erin
UPDATE: In response to a comment from Rosegin I wrote:
NO SHIT, really babies die in hospitals too huh? That's news to me! Of course I know they die in hospital to, I know way too many parents of babies who died in hospital.
However, as the mother of a baby who died perhaps because of my poor decision (to attempt a homebirth), I do not feel it IS safe (FYI- I have heard from other mothers who have had full term loses due to homebirth as well). The whole idea behind homebirth nowadays is purely emotional and selfish, it's about the "experience".
I learned a very razor sharp lesson, IT'S NOT THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IT'S GIVING BIRTH TO A LIVE BABY! Yes, as a recovering homebirthing mother with a dead baby....I FEEL HOSPITAL IS MUCH SAFER!
This debate is rediculous! Seek out a birth center/hospital that is respectful of what you want and at the same time has the health of the baby as priority #1, I know for some these places are few and far between...but they ARE out there!
I am sick and tired of the whining about this! How about it's time for the docs and midwives to form an alliance where "Homebirth" can happen in the safety of the hospital establishment. Come on people, it's time to grow up!
I have so very much to share, about the gallery opening this past saturday, about Holdyn, about Birdie and the topic that inevitably invades me around this time of the year. Homebirth. I think about this a lot, but a conversation that I had yesterday sort of accidentally at an Attachment Parenting group got me thinking about it heavily. There were 2 mothers there who had been lucky enough to have successful homebirths. I left with a nasty taste in my mouth and a pang in my heart. The conversation about this was light, but I felt the tears welling up as I told one of the mothers how I was so very happy that she had her baby there with her and alive, the other mother who was more gentle about the subject quietly told me when it was just me and her that she too had given birth at home, I again expressed my joy that she had her baby there with her. I explained that I could not help but feel great concern over homebirth, and for mothers who even entertain the thought of going "through" with it.
I have much more to say about this, about everything on my mind. I need to get it all out and up here, I will try to later this evening. I also have pictures of dear little Holdyn!!! 4 1/2 months! Can you believe it!
xo--Erin
UPDATE: In response to a comment from Rosegin I wrote:
NO SHIT, really babies die in hospitals too huh? That's news to me! Of course I know they die in hospital to, I know way too many parents of babies who died in hospital.
However, as the mother of a baby who died perhaps because of my poor decision (to attempt a homebirth), I do not feel it IS safe (FYI- I have heard from other mothers who have had full term loses due to homebirth as well). The whole idea behind homebirth nowadays is purely emotional and selfish, it's about the "experience".
I learned a very razor sharp lesson, IT'S NOT THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IT'S GIVING BIRTH TO A LIVE BABY! Yes, as a recovering homebirthing mother with a dead baby....I FEEL HOSPITAL IS MUCH SAFER!
This debate is rediculous! Seek out a birth center/hospital that is respectful of what you want and at the same time has the health of the baby as priority #1, I know for some these places are few and far between...but they ARE out there!
I am sick and tired of the whining about this! How about it's time for the docs and midwives to form an alliance where "Homebirth" can happen in the safety of the hospital establishment. Come on people, it's time to grow up!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Breastmilk Really Is "GOLD"
I have been well aware of just how healthy breastfeeding is for my son, and how through my breastmilk I pass on immunities and antibodies. But what I have really wanted to find out is the nitty gritty of how all of this works. Exactly what and how it all goes "down" so to speak. Well, my dear breastfeeding blogger friend Sara at Custom-Made Milk makes it all clear or "milky" if you will...ha ha!
"When your child is first born, they are born with a gut that is fully open. Things pass freely through the gut to the bloodstream. This is why human breast milk is so important for human babies. Because it contains far fewer allergens than soy or milk-based formula, and because with an elimination diet it contains just as few allergens as hypoallergenic formula."
"Interestingly enough, as your nursling matures, the antibodies in the milk become MORE concentrated instead of less concentrated. Antibodies continue to pass through to the child after 6 months. They also drastically reduce the number of pathogens in the child’s digestive tract, sinuses, middle ear, etc."
The information she gives here, plus the information I get from Le Leche League etc. Is so very, very encouraging to me, encouraging for the good health I am passing to my little bunny, but also encouraging to breastfeed my "nursling" as long as he wants to, and allow him decide when he is ready to wean. For now though, I remain here in my 4 month old baby bliss, lovingly nursing my tiny miracle.
I have been well aware of just how healthy breastfeeding is for my son, and how through my breastmilk I pass on immunities and antibodies. But what I have really wanted to find out is the nitty gritty of how all of this works. Exactly what and how it all goes "down" so to speak. Well, my dear breastfeeding blogger friend Sara at Custom-Made Milk makes it all clear or "milky" if you will...ha ha!
"When your child is first born, they are born with a gut that is fully open. Things pass freely through the gut to the bloodstream. This is why human breast milk is so important for human babies. Because it contains far fewer allergens than soy or milk-based formula, and because with an elimination diet it contains just as few allergens as hypoallergenic formula."
"Interestingly enough, as your nursling matures, the antibodies in the milk become MORE concentrated instead of less concentrated. Antibodies continue to pass through to the child after 6 months. They also drastically reduce the number of pathogens in the child’s digestive tract, sinuses, middle ear, etc."
The information she gives here, plus the information I get from Le Leche League etc. Is so very, very encouraging to me, encouraging for the good health I am passing to my little bunny, but also encouraging to breastfeed my "nursling" as long as he wants to, and allow him decide when he is ready to wean. For now though, I remain here in my 4 month old baby bliss, lovingly nursing my tiny miracle.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Birdie's Story To Air On NPR
Last summer Matt and I recorded Birdie's story at the Story Corp booth when it came around. Well, Birdie's story is about to be heard by the listening public tomorrow morning. If you are able, I hope that you will also listen.
http://www.wfcr.org
I feel so much love and warmth in my heart as we near March 3, 2009.
Birdie your birthday is coming and more love is surrounding you everyday, as more people learn about you, our spirit child, the more the silence of grief is broken.
UPDATE! If you missed the on air broadcast, you can listen HERE
Last summer Matt and I recorded Birdie's story at the Story Corp booth when it came around. Well, Birdie's story is about to be heard by the listening public tomorrow morning. If you are able, I hope that you will also listen.
http://www.wfcr.org
I feel so much love and warmth in my heart as we near March 3, 2009.
Birdie your birthday is coming and more love is surrounding you everyday, as more people learn about you, our spirit child, the more the silence of grief is broken.
UPDATE! If you missed the on air broadcast, you can listen HERE
Monday, February 09, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
For My Little Bird, On Her 2nd Birthday
As some of you might remember, it has been a deep seeded wish of mine to show some or any of the photos that I/we took in hospital with Birdie, or the photos that I created from some of the hospital photos. For a long time this had seemed like a pointless pursuit, pointless in that as you all know our society is so afraid of images of dead babies, our dead baby included.
I am really blessed to have been selected to show 3 pieces in a gallery show this month (The show is called Balance: Mothers Who Create). I have K from Our Box of Rain to thank for showing me the way to the call for artists! If not for her, I never would have known about it.
So, my very dear fellow babylost mamas...some walls will be brought down very soon. Walls that keep out the truth, the terrible heartbreaking truth that babies die. I know full well how hard these images and my statement will be for many to gaze upon and read. However, it is my truth, yes, my baby died. My beautiful healthy baby died just before her life could have been saved. Now, nearly 2 years later, after many many tears have been shed, many dark hours and sleepless nights...Birdie is making her debut into the public's eye.
Birdie is making a "still" debut. She is going to break the silence for all of us and I hope that people will listen. For if they listen to Birdie's story, they listen to all our babies stories and feel the importance of remembering, loving and celebrating our children.
Please, if you are can make it out to the opening I would love to meet you and share memories of our beautiful children.
The Little Art Gallery Under the Stairs
Saturday, February 14
2:00pm - 4:00pm
LynnArts Inc., 25 Exchange Street
Lynn, MA
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Birdie girl....you are going to be seen by the world! This is only the beginning! (Her birthday isn't until March 3rd, but the show will still be up then)
As some of you might remember, it has been a deep seeded wish of mine to show some or any of the photos that I/we took in hospital with Birdie, or the photos that I created from some of the hospital photos. For a long time this had seemed like a pointless pursuit, pointless in that as you all know our society is so afraid of images of dead babies, our dead baby included.
I am really blessed to have been selected to show 3 pieces in a gallery show this month (The show is called Balance: Mothers Who Create). I have K from Our Box of Rain to thank for showing me the way to the call for artists! If not for her, I never would have known about it.
So, my very dear fellow babylost mamas...some walls will be brought down very soon. Walls that keep out the truth, the terrible heartbreaking truth that babies die. I know full well how hard these images and my statement will be for many to gaze upon and read. However, it is my truth, yes, my baby died. My beautiful healthy baby died just before her life could have been saved. Now, nearly 2 years later, after many many tears have been shed, many dark hours and sleepless nights...Birdie is making her debut into the public's eye.
Birdie is making a "still" debut. She is going to break the silence for all of us and I hope that people will listen. For if they listen to Birdie's story, they listen to all our babies stories and feel the importance of remembering, loving and celebrating our children.
Please, if you are can make it out to the opening I would love to meet you and share memories of our beautiful children.
The Little Art Gallery Under the Stairs
Saturday, February 14
2:00pm - 4:00pm
LynnArts Inc., 25 Exchange Street
Lynn, MA
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Birdie girl....you are going to be seen by the world! This is only the beginning! (Her birthday isn't until March 3rd, but the show will still be up then)
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
4 Months
Before I forget here are some of the developments/milestones of Holdyn at 4 months! Holy crap he's 4 months!!!
-holds his head up really well while sitting and while on his belly
-crawling with our help, he pushes against our palms, he loves it!
-is making a NEW squaky/squeak sound when he is excited/stimulated about to cry
-focusing really well on faces and objects
-easily excited by objects/facial gestures/sounds/words
-grabbing things really well when put near or in his hand
-when i try to nurse him sitting he is not so keen on this anymore, arches his back laughs a little and then cries, a good percentage of the time he prefers to be in the BabyHawk carrier to nurse and fall asleep
-he LOVES listening to Tom Brosseau to eat and or calm down, loves to bounce and or dance while listening to this music too.
-if we saw Chica Boom to him is all kinds of crazy ways, HE LOVES IT!
-he is smiling so much and giggling!
-he loves LOVES to talk! He really loves to vocalize and responds to our words and sounds, it's AWESOME!
-enjoys when Macy is nearby, loves to pat her and punch her (accidentally) and loves when she licks his hand
-he is starting to look like a baby, not so much a newborn any longer...awwwww.
-loves to stand up and walk with assistance of course, he bends his knee and knows to put his foot down on the floor! It's WILD!
-loves reading G is for 1 Gzonk, Happy Birthday To You (Dr. Seuss), The Lorax (Dr. Seuss...he loves the colors and illustrations, he reaches out to touch the pictures on the pages
-Sleeps through our wintery walks! Of course we get bundled up, so we are both warm and toasty!
-Sleeps through the night, with a few quick diaper changes of course
-Holdyn is just super!!!
Before I forget here are some of the developments/milestones of Holdyn at 4 months! Holy crap he's 4 months!!!
-holds his head up really well while sitting and while on his belly
-crawling with our help, he pushes against our palms, he loves it!
-is making a NEW squaky/squeak sound when he is excited/stimulated about to cry
-focusing really well on faces and objects
-easily excited by objects/facial gestures/sounds/words
-grabbing things really well when put near or in his hand
-when i try to nurse him sitting he is not so keen on this anymore, arches his back laughs a little and then cries, a good percentage of the time he prefers to be in the BabyHawk carrier to nurse and fall asleep
-he LOVES listening to Tom Brosseau to eat and or calm down, loves to bounce and or dance while listening to this music too.
-if we saw Chica Boom to him is all kinds of crazy ways, HE LOVES IT!
-he is smiling so much and giggling!
-he loves LOVES to talk! He really loves to vocalize and responds to our words and sounds, it's AWESOME!
-enjoys when Macy is nearby, loves to pat her and punch her (accidentally) and loves when she licks his hand
-he is starting to look like a baby, not so much a newborn any longer...awwwww.
-loves to stand up and walk with assistance of course, he bends his knee and knows to put his foot down on the floor! It's WILD!
-loves reading G is for 1 Gzonk, Happy Birthday To You (Dr. Seuss), The Lorax (Dr. Seuss...he loves the colors and illustrations, he reaches out to touch the pictures on the pages
-Sleeps through our wintery walks! Of course we get bundled up, so we are both warm and toasty!
-Sleeps through the night, with a few quick diaper changes of course
-Holdyn is just super!!!
Friday, January 30, 2009
What Lay Upon The Horizon
We are getting so very close to Birdie's 2nd birthday. It still feels as if it was only yesterday that we were so excited with that innocent new parent joy. Expecting to birth a live child, as you might remember, we were expecting to have her at home. Now, the thought of that makes me ill. While many days, months and now almost 2 years have passed I still feel a deep guilt for the choice that ultimately was mine. Had I not been so damned naive and headstrong maybe my baby girl would be here right now.
She isn't.
She died.
Right now as I site here typing, right beside me is the lovely, sweet smelling, warm body of Birdie's little brother. I gaze upon his face, as his eyes are gently closed in a most peaceful slumber. Yes, he looks like his sister, he looks so very very much like her and so perhaps I am getting to watch a glimmer of how she would have grown too. For some it might be hard to have a subsequent child who is a reflection of there dear one who is not with them in the flesh. For me, for us, it is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter. In a way, I am relieved that he resembles his big sister. When I was pregnant I wondered and hoped that he/she would have a small likeness to Birdie.
Oh Birdie. I am missing you very much, very very very much. Sweetest little angel baby, you would be turning 2 years old very soon! I wonder what you would be like, maybe have golden blonde locks with ringlets of curls? Big sparkling vibrant blue eyes, eyes as piercing and lovely as your papas? A big hearty little girl lauph, with a giggle to match?
I just don't know, I can't ever know, I will never know my daughter.
We are getting so very close to Birdie's 2nd birthday. It still feels as if it was only yesterday that we were so excited with that innocent new parent joy. Expecting to birth a live child, as you might remember, we were expecting to have her at home. Now, the thought of that makes me ill. While many days, months and now almost 2 years have passed I still feel a deep guilt for the choice that ultimately was mine. Had I not been so damned naive and headstrong maybe my baby girl would be here right now.
She isn't.
She died.
Right now as I site here typing, right beside me is the lovely, sweet smelling, warm body of Birdie's little brother. I gaze upon his face, as his eyes are gently closed in a most peaceful slumber. Yes, he looks like his sister, he looks so very very much like her and so perhaps I am getting to watch a glimmer of how she would have grown too. For some it might be hard to have a subsequent child who is a reflection of there dear one who is not with them in the flesh. For me, for us, it is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter. In a way, I am relieved that he resembles his big sister. When I was pregnant I wondered and hoped that he/she would have a small likeness to Birdie.
Oh Birdie. I am missing you very much, very very very much. Sweetest little angel baby, you would be turning 2 years old very soon! I wonder what you would be like, maybe have golden blonde locks with ringlets of curls? Big sparkling vibrant blue eyes, eyes as piercing and lovely as your papas? A big hearty little girl lauph, with a giggle to match?
I just don't know, I can't ever know, I will never know my daughter.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
DENIED!
Really briefly, want you to know that MassHealth sucks an even bigger one! I have been denied a hearing. BUT, there is a premium assistance program available. This program pays for most of the monthly premium cost, leaving us a small (in comparison) amount to pay. I spent a good amount of the afternoon on the phone yesterday before finding out about this program (they don't just offer up the information), so they are investigating Matt's insurance and are going to let us know what to do. So in the meantime I am insurance-less. That's OK, just as long as I have insurance again within the 60 Day? window...I think it's 60 days.
Also, I re-weighed Holdyn after his bath this AM, he is more like 15 lbs! PHEW!
Remember when:
And now:
Really briefly, want you to know that MassHealth sucks an even bigger one! I have been denied a hearing. BUT, there is a premium assistance program available. This program pays for most of the monthly premium cost, leaving us a small (in comparison) amount to pay. I spent a good amount of the afternoon on the phone yesterday before finding out about this program (they don't just offer up the information), so they are investigating Matt's insurance and are going to let us know what to do. So in the meantime I am insurance-less. That's OK, just as long as I have insurance again within the 60 Day? window...I think it's 60 days.
Also, I re-weighed Holdyn after his bath this AM, he is more like 15 lbs! PHEW!
Remember when:
And now:
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Not The Best Time...
To get dropped from my state health insurance plan, aka Medicaid/MassHealth. I got a letter a few weeks ago stating that I would lose my MassHealth because "You or someone in your family was offered insurance blah blah blah....your income is too high...blah blah blah. Oh, really? You mean to say that as long as I am pregnant I can get MassHealth, but when the baby is born our expenses stay the same? FUCK NO they don't my friend!
So, anyways I have requested a fair "hearing" to meet with a MassHealth officer/rep. I feel that my case is pretty strong, if I am forced to get onto Matt's insurance it will cost around $210 a month. That might not seem like a lot, but when it will put us in the red with our monthly expenses, IT IS A LOT.
Monthly Expenses
Utilities: an easy $400
Rent: $650
Car Insurance: $100
Diaper Service (cost is comparable to disposables if not less): $80
Food (organic nutritious pesticide free food): an easy $500 a month
Equals to: $1730
Now when our income is around $1600 a month after taxes.....we are in the red, if you take another $210 from that it's $1400 a month. Thanks a lot Mass Fucking Health! Plus, these expenses don't include gas for our cars (i don't use my car all that much, so that helps), this also doesn't include buying clothing for Holdyn (even if they are thrift bought), and activities that we want to take him to. Let alone if we want to go out to dinner as a family once in a while.
So, when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how they made their decision to cut me off from affordable insurance. Thankfully Holdyn is still covered, he is set for 2 years.
If there is anyone out there who knows anything about law and could give me some tips for when I go for my hearing (or have it over the phone), I welcome your thoughts!!! I can get a little hot tempered with these things, and I know that I need to keep my cool. If I am well prepared, that will help.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? After Birdie died, they did this to me, BUT they said I was eligible for a MassHealth program called Commonwealth Care, it was affordable for us at around $70 a month. But, $210 a month, that is not affordable and we will have to take even more from our savings. Our savings that we have been dipping into to pay our utilities, our savings that was meant for when we want to buy a house!
HELP!
p.s. I forgot to mention that in Massachusetts, if you do not have insurance you can receive a penalty on your taxes. Uhm, OK THAT"S JUST GREAT! How about if you CAN"T AFFORD IT!
To get dropped from my state health insurance plan, aka Medicaid/MassHealth. I got a letter a few weeks ago stating that I would lose my MassHealth because "You or someone in your family was offered insurance blah blah blah....your income is too high...blah blah blah. Oh, really? You mean to say that as long as I am pregnant I can get MassHealth, but when the baby is born our expenses stay the same? FUCK NO they don't my friend!
So, anyways I have requested a fair "hearing" to meet with a MassHealth officer/rep. I feel that my case is pretty strong, if I am forced to get onto Matt's insurance it will cost around $210 a month. That might not seem like a lot, but when it will put us in the red with our monthly expenses, IT IS A LOT.
Monthly Expenses
Utilities: an easy $400
Rent: $650
Car Insurance: $100
Diaper Service (cost is comparable to disposables if not less): $80
Food (organic nutritious pesticide free food): an easy $500 a month
Equals to: $1730
Now when our income is around $1600 a month after taxes.....we are in the red, if you take another $210 from that it's $1400 a month. Thanks a lot Mass Fucking Health! Plus, these expenses don't include gas for our cars (i don't use my car all that much, so that helps), this also doesn't include buying clothing for Holdyn (even if they are thrift bought), and activities that we want to take him to. Let alone if we want to go out to dinner as a family once in a while.
So, when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how they made their decision to cut me off from affordable insurance. Thankfully Holdyn is still covered, he is set for 2 years.
If there is anyone out there who knows anything about law and could give me some tips for when I go for my hearing (or have it over the phone), I welcome your thoughts!!! I can get a little hot tempered with these things, and I know that I need to keep my cool. If I am well prepared, that will help.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? After Birdie died, they did this to me, BUT they said I was eligible for a MassHealth program called Commonwealth Care, it was affordable for us at around $70 a month. But, $210 a month, that is not affordable and we will have to take even more from our savings. Our savings that we have been dipping into to pay our utilities, our savings that was meant for when we want to buy a house!
HELP!
p.s. I forgot to mention that in Massachusetts, if you do not have insurance you can receive a penalty on your taxes. Uhm, OK THAT"S JUST GREAT! How about if you CAN"T AFFORD IT!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Few Things
At 16 weeks Holdyn is weighing in at around 19lbs give or take a few, but holy jeebers that's a lot of pounds dude! I am going to measure him later on, he was 24 inches about 3 weeks ago...so we'll see!
Below are some photos I took while in the process of this post, as you might be able to tell, Holdyn is now tall enough that his head are out of the carrier's head support! I can remember when he was still small enough that his legs barely stuck out the sides of the carrier! Crazy!
Also, as you might have noticed there is a March of Dimes widget on the left sidebar of the blog. I am going to be walking on April 18th for all the babies whose parents I have met through SHARE, and through my writing this blog. Your children and my girl are always with me. May my footsteps, and others' be a quiet and loving peaceful meditation on all of the babies who came into this world too soon. If you can please take a moment to go to my pledge page via the March Of Dimes widget. I have a goal of raising at least $200, but I am hopeful to perhaps raise over $200.
Blessings.
Erin
At 16 weeks Holdyn is weighing in at around 19lbs give or take a few, but holy jeebers that's a lot of pounds dude! I am going to measure him later on, he was 24 inches about 3 weeks ago...so we'll see!
Below are some photos I took while in the process of this post, as you might be able to tell, Holdyn is now tall enough that his head are out of the carrier's head support! I can remember when he was still small enough that his legs barely stuck out the sides of the carrier! Crazy!
Also, as you might have noticed there is a March of Dimes widget on the left sidebar of the blog. I am going to be walking on April 18th for all the babies whose parents I have met through SHARE, and through my writing this blog. Your children and my girl are always with me. May my footsteps, and others' be a quiet and loving peaceful meditation on all of the babies who came into this world too soon. If you can please take a moment to go to my pledge page via the March Of Dimes widget. I have a goal of raising at least $200, but I am hopeful to perhaps raise over $200.
Blessings.
Erin
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
15 Weeks
15 weeks, how many days does this equal too? I have to really sit and do the math, it's too difficult for me really even comprehend that we have gotten to this point. Still, here we ARE. As I sit here right now, on our bed, sweet little Holdyn in lying beside me his breath calm and peaceful as he sleeps. I feel like I need to pinch myself right now, to really know that this is not a dream, that my beautiful living child, my son is indeed here with me. Oh he is just so sweet, so very sleepy and warm.
Today we had a really fun afternoon. There was a local children's concert with Uncle Rock, and so we took our little Holdyn to his first LIVE music concert! For the first few songs he was fast asleep in the carrier, as he didn't sleep much in the morning. I decided to gently take him out of the carrier, to slowly wake him so that he could see the environment he was in and the performance. He was wide eyed, and clearly interested in all that he was seeing and hearing. There was lots of singing along and call and response, so me and Matt were very into it. We had a blast!
Holdyn is very responsive to music and movement/dance already, as I/we sing to him ALL the time and the singing is almost always accompanied by dancing with him in our arms or in a carrier. Actually Holdyn's new thing is not wanting to nurse while sitting in the rocker lying across the nursing pillow...he has begun to prefer to have me standing up dancing/rocking/singing/nursing him! I really love doing this, however he is getting heavy! =)
For my most recent birthday Matt got me a BEAUTIFUL Gretch guitar, it sort of resembles a blues guitar. It's just lovely! For the longest time I hadn't been playing/practicing. Partly because my belly got too big and we didn't have a tuner or amp! Well, we have a temporary sort of amp and I got a cheap but great tuner and have been taking the guitar out almost everyday and playing for Holdyn. Really I don't know what I am doing yet, but I love the sound of my guitar and so does Holdyn. I sit him in my lap and he likes to touch and hold onto the neck of the guitar as I strum and attempt to play a few chords. In March I am we are going to be taking a Music Together class and I am so excited! We really want music to be a big part of his life, not just listening, but playing it and singing! I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn about learning instruments when I was young, now I see how much I missed out on! Although, the clarinet was kind of boring.
WOW I am rambling on here! OK, so I have photos from 13 weeks and 14, I have to get the 15 week ones of my camera still. Maybe tomorrow I will have a chance at that. For now, here you go. Our sweet little man for you all to see.
13 Weeks
14 Weeks
p.s. the play gym that Holdyn is playing with HE LOVES THE HECK OUTTA IT! I splurged and got this for him, its made in Germany, its completely NON-TOXIC, all wood with a natural (beeswax) finish, non-toxic paints. I trust absolutely NOTHING that comes from China, even the clothing made there is toxic. I just read an article last week about how the baby/children's clothes from there is treated with formaldehyde to preserve it for shipping overseas! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me? That shit is fucked! So, NO nothing for this boy is coming from China, no toys, no clothes NOTHING. Besides, I never felt comfortable with the idea of plastic/fabric/any toys that come from there. Plastic toys are toxic anyways. So, although the natural/wood toys may be more $$$, it gives us peace of mind, and they will last a good long time! The same goes for organic clothes, they cost a bit more, but it is worth it. They are better for baby, and better for the environment. I don't give a flying fuck if I sound like a crazy mama with all this concern, I feel that I am just being super mindful of my son's health and the health of the planet. Everyone has to do their part, and Holdyn is one tiny addition to this planet's population, if he and we can lessen the impact that he makes via, cloth diapers, natural toys and organic clothes that we will do it! Plus, it will in turn make him a more conscious little boy and maybe he will grow up to be a conservationist or something like that! Dammit now I have really rambled. Sorry!
15 weeks, how many days does this equal too? I have to really sit and do the math, it's too difficult for me really even comprehend that we have gotten to this point. Still, here we ARE. As I sit here right now, on our bed, sweet little Holdyn in lying beside me his breath calm and peaceful as he sleeps. I feel like I need to pinch myself right now, to really know that this is not a dream, that my beautiful living child, my son is indeed here with me. Oh he is just so sweet, so very sleepy and warm.
Today we had a really fun afternoon. There was a local children's concert with Uncle Rock, and so we took our little Holdyn to his first LIVE music concert! For the first few songs he was fast asleep in the carrier, as he didn't sleep much in the morning. I decided to gently take him out of the carrier, to slowly wake him so that he could see the environment he was in and the performance. He was wide eyed, and clearly interested in all that he was seeing and hearing. There was lots of singing along and call and response, so me and Matt were very into it. We had a blast!
Holdyn is very responsive to music and movement/dance already, as I/we sing to him ALL the time and the singing is almost always accompanied by dancing with him in our arms or in a carrier. Actually Holdyn's new thing is not wanting to nurse while sitting in the rocker lying across the nursing pillow...he has begun to prefer to have me standing up dancing/rocking/singing/nursing him! I really love doing this, however he is getting heavy! =)
For my most recent birthday Matt got me a BEAUTIFUL Gretch guitar, it sort of resembles a blues guitar. It's just lovely! For the longest time I hadn't been playing/practicing. Partly because my belly got too big and we didn't have a tuner or amp! Well, we have a temporary sort of amp and I got a cheap but great tuner and have been taking the guitar out almost everyday and playing for Holdyn. Really I don't know what I am doing yet, but I love the sound of my guitar and so does Holdyn. I sit him in my lap and he likes to touch and hold onto the neck of the guitar as I strum and attempt to play a few chords. In March I am we are going to be taking a Music Together class and I am so excited! We really want music to be a big part of his life, not just listening, but playing it and singing! I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn about learning instruments when I was young, now I see how much I missed out on! Although, the clarinet was kind of boring.
WOW I am rambling on here! OK, so I have photos from 13 weeks and 14, I have to get the 15 week ones of my camera still. Maybe tomorrow I will have a chance at that. For now, here you go. Our sweet little man for you all to see.
13 Weeks
14 Weeks
p.s. the play gym that Holdyn is playing with HE LOVES THE HECK OUTTA IT! I splurged and got this for him, its made in Germany, its completely NON-TOXIC, all wood with a natural (beeswax) finish, non-toxic paints. I trust absolutely NOTHING that comes from China, even the clothing made there is toxic. I just read an article last week about how the baby/children's clothes from there is treated with formaldehyde to preserve it for shipping overseas! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me? That shit is fucked! So, NO nothing for this boy is coming from China, no toys, no clothes NOTHING. Besides, I never felt comfortable with the idea of plastic/fabric/any toys that come from there. Plastic toys are toxic anyways. So, although the natural/wood toys may be more $$$, it gives us peace of mind, and they will last a good long time! The same goes for organic clothes, they cost a bit more, but it is worth it. They are better for baby, and better for the environment. I don't give a flying fuck if I sound like a crazy mama with all this concern, I feel that I am just being super mindful of my son's health and the health of the planet. Everyone has to do their part, and Holdyn is one tiny addition to this planet's population, if he and we can lessen the impact that he makes via, cloth diapers, natural toys and organic clothes that we will do it! Plus, it will in turn make him a more conscious little boy and maybe he will grow up to be a conservationist or something like that! Dammit now I have really rambled. Sorry!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Little Baby That Could
Holdyn, he is the little baby that could.
He is the little baby that made it, he lived through his birth, he was able to to born kicking and screaming.
Everyday is so filled with all sorts of new things to learn for him and me. It's so amazing to watch his interest in the simplest things grow. An example would be, staring at my stainless steel water bottle, and when I bring it close enough for him to touch, he does just that for a good long time. Holdyn is also very strong, his legs are getting pretty big (in length and girth!). He LOVES standing up while being held, and his new thing is to go from lying on his back, grasping both my thumbs up to sitting, and then to standing. I don't know if that is normal for all 3 month olds, but he LOVES it!
WOWZA, being mom to a living child RULES!
I haven't really written about how it feels, I have been so amazed that I have this opportunity. What an opportunity it is. Everyday, I am so blessed to wake up next to my little miracle babe, to nourish and teach him. I used to wonder how I would be able to do this...
But I AM.
I AM and it is bringing me such joy. Not to say that I don't have my moments when I have tried EVERYTHING and the poor little guy is still crying and frustrated and pouting, how heartbreaking! That is not a complaint by the way, I am still just a mom who is learning how to keep my baby calm and happy. As you know I didn't get to learn about this before.
Sorry for the delay in getting photos up from last week, I might have to get them up friday, with this weeks photos.
Oh, and for those who are interested, Massachusetts has just passed a law to protect nursing moms! FINALLY! You can read all about it right HERE
OK, I am tired, time to go to sleep and cuddle up to my babe! Holdyn is already totally OUT!
goodnight.
Holdyn, he is the little baby that could.
He is the little baby that made it, he lived through his birth, he was able to to born kicking and screaming.
Everyday is so filled with all sorts of new things to learn for him and me. It's so amazing to watch his interest in the simplest things grow. An example would be, staring at my stainless steel water bottle, and when I bring it close enough for him to touch, he does just that for a good long time. Holdyn is also very strong, his legs are getting pretty big (in length and girth!). He LOVES standing up while being held, and his new thing is to go from lying on his back, grasping both my thumbs up to sitting, and then to standing. I don't know if that is normal for all 3 month olds, but he LOVES it!
WOWZA, being mom to a living child RULES!
I haven't really written about how it feels, I have been so amazed that I have this opportunity. What an opportunity it is. Everyday, I am so blessed to wake up next to my little miracle babe, to nourish and teach him. I used to wonder how I would be able to do this...
But I AM.
I AM and it is bringing me such joy. Not to say that I don't have my moments when I have tried EVERYTHING and the poor little guy is still crying and frustrated and pouting, how heartbreaking! That is not a complaint by the way, I am still just a mom who is learning how to keep my baby calm and happy. As you know I didn't get to learn about this before.
Sorry for the delay in getting photos up from last week, I might have to get them up friday, with this weeks photos.
Oh, and for those who are interested, Massachusetts has just passed a law to protect nursing moms! FINALLY! You can read all about it right HERE
OK, I am tired, time to go to sleep and cuddle up to my babe! Holdyn is already totally OUT!
goodnight.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Babylost Quilting
In thinking really deeply about this re-making of "old" baby blankets into new pieces, art pieces if you will. Not only will these objects become quilts, they will become an interwoven monument to the babies whom we love and miss, our children who forever live within our hearts. And so, I feel that it is only right to put out a call to all of you, if you would grant upon me the honor of including a small portion of a baby blanket that was meant for your dear sweet one. The idea for how I will be putting this all together is still rough in my head, but I need to get started as there is a show that I very much want to submit at least 2 quilts to. The deadline to drop off work is Jan. 25th, and so I need to get started asap. I am open to the size portion that you would be willing to share with me, though it would be great if your portion was no smaller than 4x4inches. If you are interested in taking part in this please email me, I would need to have your baby blanket piece by Jan 12th.
birdiebunnymama@gmail.com
I am planning to hand sew all pieces together. Eventually as this project progresses I will embroider each baby's name and birthday upon their section/portion of the quilt.
That is the rough idea. I hope that you will join me in the process, and allow me the honor or remembering your sweet little one(s).
peace and love to you.
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
In thinking really deeply about this re-making of "old" baby blankets into new pieces, art pieces if you will. Not only will these objects become quilts, they will become an interwoven monument to the babies whom we love and miss, our children who forever live within our hearts. And so, I feel that it is only right to put out a call to all of you, if you would grant upon me the honor of including a small portion of a baby blanket that was meant for your dear sweet one. The idea for how I will be putting this all together is still rough in my head, but I need to get started as there is a show that I very much want to submit at least 2 quilts to. The deadline to drop off work is Jan. 25th, and so I need to get started asap. I am open to the size portion that you would be willing to share with me, though it would be great if your portion was no smaller than 4x4inches. If you are interested in taking part in this please email me, I would need to have your baby blanket piece by Jan 12th.
birdiebunnymama@gmail.com
I am planning to hand sew all pieces together. Eventually as this project progresses I will embroider each baby's name and birthday upon their section/portion of the quilt.
That is the rough idea. I hope that you will join me in the process, and allow me the honor or remembering your sweet little one(s).
peace and love to you.
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
3 Months
Wow. Holdyn you are 3 months and 2 days old...
Thought I have not let the time with you slip through my fingers easily, time and days have passed. You are growing so beautifully. I can't believe just 3 months ago you were born and how small you were! Now, I think you are around 15 lbs and you are so tall for a baby your age. There is no question you are thriving.
Holdyn to finally have you here, and alive amazes me over and over everyday. Being able to hold your warm body close, to feel and hear you breathe is just so lovely. I love watching you sleep, you still smile in your sleep as you did when you were newly born. You also still like to sleep with a a hand on or near your face, along your chin or by one cheek and sometimes straight up by your head. Your just darling my love.
In the last few days you have started to coo and smille and laugh so much more, and you have also started sticking out your toungue and giggling about it! It's really so adorable, and so we do the same to you and then you really laugh about it.
You are an everyday miracle Holdyn. You bring so much joy and love to our hearts and into our home. You are our home.
Wow. Holdyn you are 3 months and 2 days old...
Thought I have not let the time with you slip through my fingers easily, time and days have passed. You are growing so beautifully. I can't believe just 3 months ago you were born and how small you were! Now, I think you are around 15 lbs and you are so tall for a baby your age. There is no question you are thriving.
Holdyn to finally have you here, and alive amazes me over and over everyday. Being able to hold your warm body close, to feel and hear you breathe is just so lovely. I love watching you sleep, you still smile in your sleep as you did when you were newly born. You also still like to sleep with a a hand on or near your face, along your chin or by one cheek and sometimes straight up by your head. Your just darling my love.
In the last few days you have started to coo and smille and laugh so much more, and you have also started sticking out your toungue and giggling about it! It's really so adorable, and so we do the same to you and then you really laugh about it.
You are an everyday miracle Holdyn. You bring so much joy and love to our hearts and into our home. You are our home.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
A Happier New Year.
As I sit here right now my beautiful little miracle fast asleep beside me. My heart is so very warm and a glow with love, joy and peace. This sweet little being has found his way into the broken shattered dark shadows of my weary heart. While my heart will always have spaces that won't ever heal, this little boy is mending this Mamas soul. How will I ever be able to explain to him how very precious he truly is to me, to us. Such a blessing is he, such a healing presense is he. I am totally lost in the love I feel for my son, and I will continue to lose myself until the day I die.
My last post was harsh, I know. But I was feeling so upset and dissapointed in my not recognizing that not only do I behold this living child on this holiday meant for children, but that I have not forgotten my daughter. I just found it heartbreaking to not have heard myself say her name on that day, nor anyone else. I felt as if she was a forgotten little spirit. I am really good on being hard on myself sometimes, and I was when I realized what I had forgot.
If it was not for our sweet little Birdie, this little man would probably not be here right now, today. Thus, I must always remember my little bird.
I am feeling very optimistic for this new year, very optimistic and full of motivation to get my artwork going again. I am going to push myself to work out of my "safe" mode of artmaking via photographs. The time has come for me to dive back into where I was when I graduated from art school and take some risks. This may all sounds very abstract to you, but it all makes perfect sense in my own mind. My first new adventure, crazy quilting & embroidering on them! But before I can get started with that I have to learn how to embroider! So, my first purchase of the year, shall be a beginning embroidery book. Happy New Year to me!
I want to extend my wishes to you all for a happy new year...
My wish is that you are able to find a sense of peace even if it is only small of for a short time, may love fill you and overflow from your heart, may you be blessed with new beginnings and new life.
With so much love,
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
As I sit here right now my beautiful little miracle fast asleep beside me. My heart is so very warm and a glow with love, joy and peace. This sweet little being has found his way into the broken shattered dark shadows of my weary heart. While my heart will always have spaces that won't ever heal, this little boy is mending this Mamas soul. How will I ever be able to explain to him how very precious he truly is to me, to us. Such a blessing is he, such a healing presense is he. I am totally lost in the love I feel for my son, and I will continue to lose myself until the day I die.
My last post was harsh, I know. But I was feeling so upset and dissapointed in my not recognizing that not only do I behold this living child on this holiday meant for children, but that I have not forgotten my daughter. I just found it heartbreaking to not have heard myself say her name on that day, nor anyone else. I felt as if she was a forgotten little spirit. I am really good on being hard on myself sometimes, and I was when I realized what I had forgot.
If it was not for our sweet little Birdie, this little man would probably not be here right now, today. Thus, I must always remember my little bird.
I am feeling very optimistic for this new year, very optimistic and full of motivation to get my artwork going again. I am going to push myself to work out of my "safe" mode of artmaking via photographs. The time has come for me to dive back into where I was when I graduated from art school and take some risks. This may all sounds very abstract to you, but it all makes perfect sense in my own mind. My first new adventure, crazy quilting & embroidering on them! But before I can get started with that I have to learn how to embroider! So, my first purchase of the year, shall be a beginning embroidery book. Happy New Year to me!
I want to extend my wishes to you all for a happy new year...
My wish is that you are able to find a sense of peace even if it is only small of for a short time, may love fill you and overflow from your heart, may you be blessed with new beginnings and new life.
With so much love,
Erin
Birdie and Bunny's Mama
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