Last monday I started my period, and oh boy has is gotten heavy & clotty (not too clotty though). I started to get a little concerned over the weekend about it (carrying on for so long,& the heaviness of it etc.) so I emailed one of our many midwives (2 homebirth midwives, 6 nurse midwives). She reassured me that everything sounded completely normal, but to keep her up to date about the bleeding. Then last night still having bleeding and it seeming a bit heavier, I got a little bit concerned again. So, this morning I called the midwives and I was again told this was totally normal, that it sounded good and I might have my period for a few weeks. I was relieved, nobody told me what to expect (about this) afterwards...and I was thinking that I would be one of the women whose cycle doesn't come back a month or so after delivering. I feel really about having my cycle starting this soon (5 weeks) after my emergency c-section. This means my uterus is being cleansed and my reproductive system can start a new. Now I have to take really good care of myself, eat healthy, exercise, spend as much time with my husband as I can, smile, laugh, eventually enjoy the spring weather & think good thoughts about Birdie and what she brought to my life, and all that I brought and gave to hers.
Something about my breakdown last week that I hadn't thought of or made any connection was that it happened while my period was getting going...so on top of my crazy nerves the hormones of having my period did not help matters. I think that the homeopathics I am taking are helping, at least they seem to be. I was able to start working last monday (I am lucky to be able to work from home). While it was a little hard to concentrate, I managed to get many things accomplished. I was able to zone out a little when I was working and just think about the task at hand.
I have been looking at a photo of myself when I was 1 years old, and the many many photos of Birdie that we have (we are so lucky to have them). There are a couple in particular that I wanted to share, to show you how much Birdie looks like me when I was a baby. At least I think that she does, and this is so amazing to me. I am adopted, and so I have nobody close to me that looks like me. So here are some photos, I have solo one's of Birdie and of me, and one that I put our photos together side by side. What do you think, do you see my features on Birdie's face? There are also some goofy photos of Matty and Macy dancing from this past weekend. Somehow through all our pain we are able to find our senses of humor again. Matt has always been amazingly thoughtful and caring to me, especially after I became pregnant...and not even more so. He is being such a great source of true love, support and understanding in my grieving, and I am trying to be that for him as well. He is my best friend and companion, losing Birdie has brought us even more close. However, even through his hurting, his deep pain he still somehow finds the means to want to make me smile & laugh...when you see the photos below you will see what I mean. My husband is a total goober, and I love him for it. I am so much more than lucky to have him in my life.
Photos of Birdie & Me:
And now...the goofy photos:
14 comments:
She definitely looks like you. No doubt about it, she's your little daughter.
erin,
i'm glad that you and matt have found a moment to smile and feel peace. you are so very lucky to have each other. and your cute little macy too.
little birdie has your nose. so sweet....
love,
lisa
She has her mama's cheeks...and her mama's nose. And her mama's strength.
Keeping you in my thoughts,
Janya (a babyblogorama blogger)
My love and thoughts to you both. There are no words that can make up for your loss.
I just wanted to know how sorry I am and how touched I was to read all of your honest posts.
...From a faraway stranger who cares...
Oh gosh, she looks so much like you. I just love all of your beautiful photos. They make me envious I have so few of my little ones, but I am so thankful for you that you will have those memories to treasure forever.
Your loss is so very, very recent. Allow yourself, and expect, lots of ups and downs. Unfortunately, it's a long road... but it will slowly get easier.
Wow. She definitely looks like you. I've noticed before her striking lips, and now I see they are yours.
My first period was also horrendous, but don't hesitate to call again if it seems too much. And I felt like you, grateful that my body was making a recovery, but at a hormonal extreme. I cried so hard the night it arrived that I got sick and hyperventilated.
I hope you continue to feel well, but like Lori said, it goes up and down. Extremely. Take care.
She does look a lot like you. Very, very cute.
My first period was also a real bitch, and scared me with the amount of bleeding. My doc's office had me come in to make sure all was ok, and it was. I was a mess the first day it showed up. I was actually kinda mad that it came, like my body got over my son already.
I have PCOS, and me getting my period back after any reproductive stress is not a given, so after contemplating that, I felt better the next day.
Glad you had some levity. It does help to have your spouse to lean on or to goof off with. Both are necessary.
Yours and Birdies faces are the exact same shape, and her beautiful cheeks and nose are definitely her mamas. We think of her and you and Matt everyday.
<3
She is a perfect beautiful angel, half you, half her daddy...What can we do for you and Matt? Please let us know if you need Anything...
Bluesilvermoon27@aol.com
Wow Erin! Birdie does have your facial lines. In time, when you and Matt are blessed with another life...you will be amazed how much they will probably look like Birdie.
Lots of healing love,
Meagan
She looks just like you! Beautiful! You are still in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs.
Oh Erin, my heart goes out to you. My baby girl was stillborn last August 12, for reasons no one could determine. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better...you must heal on your own terms. I hated it when people told me "it will get easier" because it felt like it never, ever would. But with time it has gotten easier for me, and I hope so much that it does for you. I'll be thinking of you.
Erin,
Oh my gosh what a cute baby you were! Birdie absolutely has your sweet little nose,cheeks,lips....and I can see she has Matt's eyes the way they are shaped and set. With the two of you for parents she was bound to be gorgeous!
Sending you lots of love!
My heart goes out to you love. Where do we find meaning in such a loss. Be strong for my heart is with you.
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