Thinking so much about our Birdie
These photos reflect the mood I am in right now so well.



I simply cannot believe that our baby is dead. I cannot believe that I am living right now without my baby in my arms. How and why did this happen to us? We are good people, we love each other so much and our families. I know that there is not really any point to keep asking why but I have received no information from the universe or any living person, and Birdie has not come to me in my dreams and shown me anything to give me any peace. How can I trust that my baby girl is really ok where she is? I am trying to hold up really I am, but I keep falling down. I don't believe in god, and if I did how could I continue to after this? I cannot believe that any god would cause so much grief, sadness, hurting & pain. Why would any god separate a baby from its parents? Nobody can give me any good enough answer to this ever. FUCK! And FUCK THERE BEING NO GOOD REASON FOR THIS! I just want to have Birdie here with us. I should not be a part of this stupid stillbirth loss club (I mean no disrespect) that I am a part of now. This never should have happened! I did nothing but take the best care of myself and my baby my whole pregnancy. I ate & drank only organic food, I drank more water than I needed to, I took my prenatal vitamins before I knew I was pregnant, I went swimming with her in my tummy. So why the fuck did this happen? WHY? There were never any signs that anything was wrong my whole pregnancy. Dammit I just want to make some sense of this somehow.

Sometimes I feel like I never even gave birth to a baby, I gave birth to a ghost. This is just all so surreal that it really feels like Birdie never was ever really here, even though I know she was (and is). When I got to hold her she felt so present with me, so much so that I thought she would open her eyes. She looked like she would open her eyes and start to cry because she was so scared what had happened. I wanted so badly for her to cry and gasp for air. I would give anything to go back in time for that to happen. I am so grateful for being pregnant with her, for knowing her through feeling her moving and kicking and sleeping. I never once took any part of my pregnancy with her for granted and I am so glad for that. I was nothing but happy the whole time, I was so blessed to have her growing inside of me. Being adopted, I never really had anything that was any resemblance of myself. I knew nobody that looked like me, or had my mannerisms etc. I was so excited to finally have that. To have been a part of creating something from myself that would resemble me and maybe have some of my mannerisms and some of my personality. To have all of this taken away for no reason is so hard because she looks like me when I was a baby and a toddler. I have a photo of my grandfather and I when I was a year old, and when if you hold that photo next to hers she looks just like me. I had red hair when I was born, and so does she...so does she.

Oh Birdie, Mama misses you so much....SO MUCH honey. I just cannot handle that you are physically gone. I know you are here with us, I do but I miss your body, your skin and your sweet baby smell. Mama and Papa both miss you baby girl, and I'm sorry for crying so much but sometimes when I think really hard about you and all the things I wanted for you I get really sad. Birdie I really hope that wherever you are that you feel all this love that we have for you, its seems like you must because its bursting out of our hearts. I will try to wait patiently to see you in my dreams my love, but Mama really needs to know you are ok now. I need to know you didn't suffer when you heart was slowing down, please sweetie please show me you are ok.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!