Her Response to Her Madness Towards Me
"No, I don't want you to kill yourself, heaven forbid.
I want you to make RESPONSIBLE decisions about childbearing, beginning with
eating a NORMAL diet in pregnancy, and giving birth where medical
intervention IF IT IS REQUIRED, is seconds, not minutes or hours, away.
I am sorry it took the death of your baby to show you this, but childbirth
isn't a game, and it doesn't matter if you have a happy, positive "birth
experience", it matters that both you and your baby are SAFE. The reality
is that both you and the baby are at considerable risk during labor and
birth, no matter how uncomplicated. And in labor and birth, when
complications do arise, they arise with extreme rapidity and often without
prior warning.
Over 40 years of maternity work I have seen dozens of birth gimmicks and
fads come and go. I've seen medical theories come and go. I've done home
births, but only within the framework of a country set up for them--a
country with full medical backup available at an instant's notice. That
country is not the US."
Sarah Meir, CNM
Certified Nurse Midwife
Women's Health Center, Kupat Cholim Meuchedet
Jerusalem
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Again I say, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!
What is her problem.....has she done this to anyone else? Anyone reading my blog?
17 comments:
Sending love.
Just love. I want to throw a big load of composted shit all over this woman's words. Then bury it. Let the fungi and worms take care of these sentiments and maybe grow roses on top of them someday.
For each one of her there are many more of us who believe in a gentler path, and who do not fool ourselves with delusions of control. The universe is more complex than we can comprehend. The lessons of life are sometimes more difficult than we wish to endure. And there is nothing that jars us more than a death at the beginning of life.
We want to believe that we are in control of these things.
We are not. And even an answer to your sweet baby's death may not feel like an answer.
You are responsible for being a loving mother, a caring entity, a gentle spirit.
I am sorry that this dark person has invaded your space. I hope a little note from me can help. You do not need this type of energy.
More love from a complete stranger.
So far I am immune from her. If she posts to me, I will let you know.
Big Hugs to you Erin for standing your ground.
Erin,
You have lots of emotional support, so here's some concrete practical advice. Keep all records of this person's attacks on your blog, and contact Blogger directly at support@bloggerhelp.com. She has no right to harass you like this. It is a complete violation of the terms of service to which she agreed to abide by when she got a Blogger ID.
As well, she put her own email address up on her blog's "About Me" page. Many of us use a gmail pseudonym account, she didn't. Her choice...she publicized it all by herself, so don't worry about that, same for the email she sent you. You have the right to post letters/email, any correspndence she sends you becomes your property to show the world the second she presses "send".
And about that sign off line. Unless she is the head and official spokesperson for the Women's Health Center, then she has absolutely no right to speak for them. And by signing her workplace's title, she drags them in to this. I wonder if they endorse cruelty to grieving mothers? Maybe kindness is one of the "gimmicks" she is referring to.
Probably not...she better hope no one googles her bosses name and email and lets them know what she's up to on company time, on behalf of her workplace.
And as for her assertion, that having a team to "swoop in" nearby would've saved Birdie, we have those teams in Ontario in large urban centres to back up our publicly funded midwives, and tragedies have still happened. Midwives in Ontario are trained so well that they are able to do a c-section in exigent circumstances. It's incredibly rare, but they can do it to save a life. Unfortunately, babies still die sometimes.
And unexplained stillbirths and baby deaths DO happen all the time in hospitals; I know, because my real life support group helps grieving mothers who go through this. World class pathologists can't always explain why, there is a public inquiry on this exact subject occurring RIGHT NOW in Ontario, so she is COMPLETELY WRONG.
Take care, Erin, and email me if you need anything. XX
She wants you to eat a normal diet? Well in the US, that means bring on the prepackaged cookies, the 600 calorie Big Mac, the soda, the pop tart for breakfast. From what you say, you ate healthfully, much more so than the average person. I'm a kosher-keeping vegetarian, and no doctor has ever suggested that is a problem, although many lay people have. Don't let her suggest that there's yet another reason to blame you.
If someone wants to debate the safety of home birth in the US, there are proper forums and respectful ways to do it.
I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better. You are in enough pain without this.
Much love. XX00 Sara
I've been lurking since your story was posted on Babes In Blogland. First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Your love for Birdie is so touching and I feel for you so much. I have been following your story and keeping you in my thoughts.
This lady ... well, there are really no words to describe her insensitivity. Please don't let her get to you. I don't even understand why she's a midwife with this attitude.
This blog seems to be an outlet for your grief and a way to speak to your beautiful daughter. Don't let the trolls judge you and tell you to "quit whining". You are not whining at all.
I don't really know how to say it right, except that I am aghast.
My love to you!
Aurelia's given you some excellent practical advice. You might also ask about banning her IP address or email addresses associated with her.
Some people, unfortunately, thrive on negative attention and enjoy stirring up trouble. They say outrageous things just to provoke angry responses. This person seems like one of them.
I am a lurker more the anything, but this entire thing infuriates me. Her comments are hurtful and mean and uncalled for. I can't even get together everything I want to say but I wanted you to know there are lots of people who disagree with her.
Upon speaking with and showing my rabbinical student friend this interchange...
His words.
"someone is going to be very busy on Yom Kippur"
And it isn't going to be the mother of that beautiful babe. Ari said a beautiful prayer for your Birdie this morning... and will continue to do so.
Much love, Raennes friend.
*who sends her love today too. She is too upset to respond to this mockery of human compassion at the moment.
I'm sorry she felt the need to tell you how she feels about the situation. It's not her place to judge you. Keep on keepin on and don't let people's opinions upset you.
First of all, she is completely wrong, as you already know.
Second, anyone who would say such hateful things to a grieving mother has something seriously wrong with them.
I am so sorry. You know that you did nothing wrong, and most people without mental illness know it as well.
antigonos is an asshole. plain and simple. ::hugs:: to you.
I left her a nice little note on her blog site warning others of what she is really like and an e-mail telling her she requires serious help after what she has done. She is a horrible lady and I hope that the day will come that she realizes this and seeks help. This is not my nature to do such a thing but the anger I felt for what she said to you Erin was more than I could take. She should be banned from all blog sites. I hope the web people pull the plug on this hateful person. Thinking of you and sending lovong thoughts your way.
A Caring Canadian
I'm just another lurker but I wanted to offer some support. You did what you thought best and healthiest and the comments that were made were inexcusable and appalling, the sign of a sick mind, an attack on someone already in tremendous pain. I'm really sorry for that. I've posted once before I think---I lost my sister ten years ago on March 3. 1997. She was 34 and died of cancer.
"First, do no harm" may be part of the doctor's oath, but shouldn't that apply to midwives, too, and if so---how could this woman who says she is a midwife make such terrible harmful comments to any human being?
What is a normal diet?
For not consuming, rotton flesh? Eating healthly veggies and fruit. That is taking care of your body.
Vegan all the way for me!
I just wanted to say that I am SO very sorry for your loss. I heard about your story from a birth forum that I'm currently frequenting, and I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through. You have every right to be angry and sad and questiong God (who I believe is crying with you - there is no answer to the "why" - it's NOT fair.)
But for what it's worth, I believe in your decision to homebirth and I don't think you could have done ANYTYIHNG differently to save your daughter. It IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I can understand your need to feel some guilt, and I think that is normal for ANY parent who has lost a child. But don't let these people get to you. They have no right to falsly accuse you.
And if this lady wants to talk about birth "fads and gimmicks," then maybe she should research this fairly RECENT idea of birthing in hospitals, where for thousands of years women have been birthing in homes...
My heart aches for you and I hope that as time moves forward your hearts can heal some. I can't pretend that I know what hell you are going through, but please know that I have only sympathy and love towards your family.
Deb
Thank you so much for inviting me into your world. I've just been reading back over this story and this entry made me feel physically sick.
Neither your diet nor your decision to home birth your beautiful Birdie were the cause of her death. Perhaps nobody will ever know why she had to leave you. Perhaps the angels simply couldn't bear to be away from her and so pulled her back to dance with them.
I had a vegetarian pregnancy and my son has never eaten the flesh of an animal, nor the byproducts of slaughterhouses. When he was three months old he sustained massive head trauma and brain damage, and I put his miraculous recovery down to a multitude of factors, not least his healthful diet.
It does not matter what people say, or where they point the blame. Often people point the finger to reassure themselves it will never happen to them, because they are scared. They say "Well I do X so Y will never happen to me" because they are afraid of the reality that sometimes, there are no reasons - sometimes a senseless tragedy is just a senseless tragedy.
Birdie knows that you love her, and she knows that you are not to blame. Maybe all she is doing is dancing with the angels, waiting patiently until the day you are together again.
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