I am not sure how or where I am finding feelings of hope, and how hopelessness is falling off of me. Never the less it is, at least for today, at least for this moment. I can find some clarity through my grief. I can think about her and smile a smile of joy and love for her. I can see her so clearly in my mind, I can go back to the first moment that I saw her and held her and kissed my precious baby girl. I can go there and the piercing pain is not as strong, it still hurts...but just not as strong. At least that's how I am feeling this moment in time, on this day. Gosh how I think about her, I cannot stop thinking about her today and I don't want to. I should be doing work, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I just need this time to be with my memories of her, some days I just need that.
This past week I have been thinking a lot about the details of her birth, the moments leading to it, all the empty space of time that she was still alive inside me...all those empty minutes that she could have been lifted from my belly and possibly resuscitated. All those empty minutes represent a missed opportunity for her, and for us. I am stuck on the stupid hospital policy of the OB on call being able to live 30 minutes away...well this time that policy failed, it failed the life of a little baby and her parents. It failed. It tragically failed.
I have been thinking about Birdies last moments, was she still alive right before I went "under" for my c-section? Was she still alive...and if she wasn't (because I remember the nurse midwife saying there was not heartbeat) just before I went under...why couldn't they have just stopped what was happening and let me deliver her myself. There are simply too many questions, to many spaces of time where opportunity was missed, and there are not answers and nobody to take ownership of the moments. There is nobody to take responsibility and give us back those precious moments, last moments of Birdie, when we were still connected and living for each other.
Now I live for finding hope, her life and her death are bringing me hope. Maybe this sounds weird, but I don't care. I can't help but have this hope in my heart. I just have to. Maybe it's hope that she could be reborn to us, I don't know. Maybe that is crazy talk, but I did hear about a mother who's child was reborn to her...and its a very lovely story. I guess I feel the ultra deep and strong connection to Birdie still, like when I was pregnant with her. Its still there, its still as strong and getting stronger. I feel her with me all the time. Maybe she's waiting for re-birth...maybe our Bird will fly back home.
5 comments:
I don't think the rebirth is crazy talk. Before we gave Jessica back, DH whispered for her to come back to us and to watch over her big brother. Three days later we think she visited my son because there was a very serious conversation coming from my son (2 years) to DH -It was very strange and yet comforting.
I know the missed opportunities can really go round and round in your head. I don't know if it will help you, but what helps me is thinking that even if I was rushed into Csection and they got her out in time, there would be no way to know how much brain damage would have occurred in that time or what type of life she would have had. I take peace knowing that these decisions were made for me. And since we didn't have an autopsy done, who knows, there may have been something else wrong. Maybe she saved us from all of this. I don't know. But it gives me peace to think so. That's just me.
And I think the reason they went through with the c-section was because with you, there was still hope to resusitate her. If there wasn't that hope still, I'm pretty sure they would have had you deliver her because surgery is so risky to the mum.
I'm glad you are having good days.
Take Care.
-J
I don't believe the idea of rebirth is silly either. I hope in time she will come back to you both! Hugs!
I agree with pp about re-birth. I know she is already with you in so many ways. I know that the person you are becoming is a better person and that she is responsible for that (I don't mean to say you were a bad person before that, just that you are probably more compassionate that you were before). I think that she exists in the beautiful things nature offers us. I also think that should you and DH decide to try again, Birdie will be with that child. I'm glad that when you reflect on her that you have hope. I also know that many times it is painful. I'm 11 mos. out from my loss and I had a tough morning today. It still happens. I guess I want to say that Birdie will be with you in spirit and in memory forever.
Hi Erin,
Let me know when you and your DH are coming to Chicago for a visit. I would love to meet you two in person.
Sending lots of hugs...
Glimmers are so precious. Hold tight.
I'll contact you soon. I've given my friend permission to tell you my story, but she is so respectful of us! Silly girl!
Loads of love to you.
Raenne in Manitoba
guess I have to get her password now don't I? eep.
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