Indifference and Contemplation

Sitting here in front of this computer and just thinking about what my life (our life) is now and there is just blank empty space. Maybe this is because I am on my computer too much, well I can't really help this because I work from home. I am lucky to be able to do so. I was fortunate to get this job because it was going to allow me to be home with Birdie, to be here for her, to take care of her while DH was at work. Now here I sit everyday typing away on this keypad, taking the occasional long walk with our dog and occasionally checking in on the other mama's that I have befriended in these last 4 or so months since Birdies death.

About Birdies death, I have been contemplating this so hard, so much...just trying to find any glimmers of why this could have happened. Of course I cannot, and nobody will find any answers, ever. Some days I wonder if doing an au.top.sy would have given us any more clues, but she had been through enough. Her little body was just so sweet and limp, and she looked so peaceful. Even if we had those answers would they help us? With our next pregnancy we are going to be scared no matter what. We are going to be scared, and people are going to worry about me, and the baby. I think that I am fearful of that worry that others will have, and I feel concerned for how that could effect me and my stress level. With Birdie people would ask how I was feeling and "Is the Baby Moving, Kicking?" That was fine, but now I know that some were asking me out of deep worry...and that is a little distressing to me. So, I fear for the worry of others upon me with our next pregnancy. I know we will already be feeling extra stress and concern of our own, I just don't want to know that much about how worried others will be. It's like that worry is already an entity that is all consuming. I don't think that it's healthy or productive, only stressful and unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed that people care so much that they worry, but in a situation like pregnancy, and labor...I am going to need, and DH is going to need to find a place of safety where extra worries and concern of other will not compound upon us. I just hope that people will seek refuge for themselves, find another outlet for their worrying over our next pregnancy.

Simply put, we will have enough on our plates. I am going to want to keep to myself as much as possible, more like hibernate. I think that is how I stayed so calm and content when I was pregnant with Birdie, I was working from home and making my own hours and just taking it easy. That is what I want to have again. Total peace and quiet, being able to relax and enjoy every moment. I hope to find some sense of "ok" and peace with our subsequent pregnancy. It may sound cruel, but for me, for the baby for us...being in solitude, quiet, alone and together (DH, I and baby) seems like the best choice. It is a choice that we will be lucky enough to have...

So, I have to ask and I know it will be hard...please don't worry for us. We will be ok, we simply cannot control fate, or the path's chosen for us...as much as we would like, as much as we would have liked to save Birdie we could not. As it turns out it is not anyones fault. Believe what you want, have ill feelings if you must, but that is reality, its nobodies fault. We are all simply riding on the waves and crests of life and we cannot control them. That is part of what makes life so beautiful, the unknown. Sometimes that unknown is scary and very hard to bare, but it is what it is. Birdie does know this, she is an enlightened one...she is a little Buddha. She is nature. She had a beautiful beginning, and it pains me a little to say...ultimately she had a beautiful end. I say this because she felt no pain, no suffering...she began as enlightened being and she left in that way, she will never have to know pain or suffering as we all do in this world we live in. She showed me this as she left me early that morning in the OR...I felt her leave, I saw her leave....and she did not let me leave. I don't think that there is any lesson to take away from her death, but there is a new way to see life. To really see the beauty in it. To not take each other for granted, to not fight over that which is meaningless, to not waste our time and energy on negative thoughts which cause pain and stress and suffering. Embrace your life, embrace those around you.

Birdie, my little Buddha...you are so pure of love and light.

We love you tremendously. Thank you for coming into our lives and sharing with us such beautiful wisdom, your pure innocent baby wisdom.