I Dreamt Of Birdie

Just before I woke this morning I was dreaming about Birdie.

I was dreaming that she was ALIVE, she was alive and she was trying to nurse from my left breast. She was trying so hard to latch on but she just could not. I also remember knowing in the dream that she was going to die, and because of this I had already dried up my milk supply. Even though I knew that in the dream, I just wanted her to be able to nurse. I can remember knowing in the dream that she was going to die, and so she hadn't eaten anything. It was like she was for some reason having to just starve to death, but then I had my left breast out of my shirt and she began trying to nurse, she was trying so hard, and I was trying to help her to gently latch on....but it just wasn't happening.

Then I remember thinking in the dream that I should try to splash warm water on my nipple, that maybe that would help bring back my milk....maybe that would help her latch on.

So, I carried her limp body in my arms into the bathroom with me and I was looking in the bathroom mirror which was a long mirror, it went from above my head to below my belly. I could see all of me and her, and me holding her, and I began to sob as I saw myself holding her. I was holding her and she was still alive, and then I remember seeing my nipple and it was inverted inside my breast now....it was retracting itself. I looked again into the mirror because Birdie had started to rub one of my fingers, lovingly like a baby a little older than her would start to do. She was rubbing my finger and it felt like she was saying she loved me. It felt like she was telling me she knew she was dying, but "it's ok mama", its ok and I love you mama.

To see myself in this dream holding Birdie, holding my baby while she was still alive is beyond any words. This was the first dream (that I can remember) that I have had about Birdie since I was pregnant. The dream I had when I was pregnant was how I just knew that our baby would be a girl. I dreamnt of her then, and she was a stark blonde little girl, around age 2. In that dream she was with her Papa (i think holding his hand)...and she turned to look at me, her eyes were so blue just like her Papa's and she was gorgeous...and that was all....from that dream I knew we would have a baby girl, our Birdie. DH had also dreamnt about Birdie while I was pregnant...He dreamnt about swimming with her....and she was stark blonde and they were swimming together underwater...floating together.

Yesterday I went for my first Mayan Massage, if you have never heard of this type of massage it is a Uterine Massage, to bring the uterus back into balance, to bring one's self back into balance.

Mayan Massage was reccomended by our Doula, especially after my having a c-section, to help to try to minimize hard scar tissue from forming, to bring my uterus back to center and to help my uterus (the heart of my body) to heal.

So yesterday I went to a local LMT who specializes in Mayan Massage (she studied this in Belize), and it was really very healing, very lovely. She found that my uterus is a little to the left (normal after having a baby), and tipped a little forward. So, Meaning to bring my uterus back into balance, everyday I am to do "self care", and she showed me the techniques to use. It feels so important to bring my uterus back to center, as this will be important for our subsequent pregnancy (another reason to wait 9 months to ttc).

I am completely focused on my health, my body, my uterus. I feel I need to be even more healthy than I was before I became pregnant with Birdie. My mind might still be a little numb from my grief, but that is ok. I am in a place of being able to care for my grief gently, I can ebb and flow with this grief healthfully.

Here is what I look like now, 5+ months after Birdie.