It's become a terrible habit of mine, leaving this blog silent for too long. The stretches of time in between my writings harp upon me every single day, yet still I have been finding it most difficult to return to this place. A place that has been so therapeutic for my heart and mind...
So much has been happening in our house, our sweet little devine one is becoming a little boy. At 2 he is nothing short of amazing (he has ALWAYS been amazing to us!), he has mastered the english language, truly, seriously, to listen to him speak blows our minds! Holdyn had some kind of epiphany of sorts back at the end of October where he was riding his (borrowed) trike around the house full speed back and forth and all at once began sputtering off words and sentences and it sounded like his brain was exploding!
It seems that every few weeks, sometimes months Holdyn seems to turn another corner, his horizons expand and her personality blossoms even more beautifully.
I am inspired by the beauty and curiousity of his heart.
For a good long time now after Holdyn's birth I have been riding the "high" of the miracle that was his birth. Only recently have I started to stumble a bit, feeling ashamed of my failures to continue to write regularly of my first little sunshine, my bird.
I harbor great guilt within me, that I have begun to not forget her...but then again yes, "forget" her. My bird is not at the forefront, my grief, our loss of her, her death...I STILL need to feel that darkness, my heart shattered, my body numb and useless.
It's become a habit that I don't take time for myself anymore, to read (loss blogs), to write in this space, to just sit and meditate, to just be in a quite space. More than anything I wish to, but more times than not I end up sitting in front of this computer watching TV to space out and melt my brain. This didn't used to be like me, but now it's become a habit that tonight, FINALLY I am forcing myself to break.
And now that I am starting to spill my beans...I am getting exhausted!
7 comments:
He has such wonderful little features! He looks like such a little delight to be around!
Don't bet yourself up too bad. Rolling around in the glory of Holdyn is the best honor and remembrance you can give to Birdie, really. Investing all of this mamahood in him is a living legacy to her, even if for hours or moments or days you don't "remember" to be conscious of it.
Erin-
he is so gorgeous. i know you know this.
I agree with what Melissa said, you are mothering Holdyn the way you would have Birdie--with every bit of yourself involved. I know, because I do, too, and it leaves very little energy or time for anything else. I wouldn't have it any other way. I also know that it is a tribute to my William that I fully live the life I have now.
Holdyn is beautiful! I also have a "talker" and it is constantly blowing our minds. He has been speaking in full sentences since 17 months and the things he comes up with just boggle my mind. What a joy.
Look at those beautiful lips. He's gorgeous. :)
Oh, may I also mention he's an old soul? It feels like he's been here before. Very pensive and wise.
he is so gorgeous and a bountiful, perfect mix of you and Matt.
always here for you....even if silently. always here.
xoxo
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