Friday, January 28, 2011
isolation.
These last 10 days or so have been filled with much tension and isolation as we received an enormous amount of snow, were then without the papa of the house for 5 days and I was the only active parent. It was intense, but we made it through (and it went much better than anticipated).
But still we are isolated. There has been an sense of foreboding in this house as of late between the adults in the house. It feels as if this winter is suffocating our abilities to speak in coherent sentences to each other.
Of course it’s not only the snow piled up around our doors that brings us to the place of isolation, it’s also the lingering of death. Where almost 4 years ago, death was creeping, making it’s way (secretly) to our doorstep.
It’s heavy. Death is heavy in my heart…I am remembering these last days of my life nearly 4 years ago. I am reminded of my immortality. Everyday, I am reminded. So quickly we can go from such joy and certainty to such dark sorrow, such tremendous loss. So quickly our hearts can become shattered and our lives violently shaken and spun.
We are merely mortal. We are not forever. We are here for a time, then we are gone.
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16 comments:
So very true. Thinking of you and precious Birdie so much. So hard to believe all this time has passed.
xo
4 years have passed. It really is time to move on. The amount of morbid, very self-indulgent brooding over Birdie's death is excessive. I've noticed this: you feel guilty every time you begin to behave normally and don't wallow in grief for her. Yes, she died. Yes, it was a tragedy. One from which, fortunately, you learned from and now your life has changed, should have changed. No one is saying to forget her, but LET IT GO or it will ultimately destroy YOU and, when he's old enough to understand, scar Holdyn. This sister which he never knew is going to be part of his life too? It shouldn't be. He will resent it in the end.
Recently, the child of your former midwife died. [How old was he and from what? I'm curious] It was noticeable how you used this as an opportunity to indulge yourself in grieving again. It is morbid and unhealthy to the degree to which you seem to NEED this. Erin, I really think you need some professional help with this, or you will slide deeper into obsession.
YOu won't like reading this, but think about it. I really do want you to have a happy and full life, and not be constantly in mourning. Light a candle, bury those ashes, say a prayer, and LET BIRDIE REST. I'm sure she would want that.
BTW, any thought of a brother or sister for Holdyn?
In my two and a half years of grieving and blogging after a loss much like Erin's, this is the most cruel and awful comment I have ever read. I really am at a loss for words, but obviously you have never lost a child yourself. If you have, then I wonder where the hell your heart is?
I am horrified at reading this and Erin I'm so sorry you've had to read it as well.
I disagree wholeheartedly with all you have said and Erin, I think your grief over Birdie has been nothing but normal and healthy - at least to me anyway and I'm sure countless other babyloss mothers would back me up.
You have my support all the way, Erin.
xo
Hello Erin, I'm new to your blog. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your little Birdie. It has been two and a half years since my daughter passed away. It is strange how even the change of the seasons, the arrival of significant dates can plunge us back to the pain and grief of those early days. I'm sorry you've been snowed in but it sounds as though you've a done great job of being a temporary only parent.
Personally (partially in response to one of the previous comments left on this post) I don't think that it is 'self indulgent', morbid or unhealthy to grieve for your child. I don't think that the grief we feel over losing those we love is something that we ever completely 'let go', that inevitably destroys us or that keeps the dead from their rest. Like love, it can persist through an entire life time. I think that grief is just part of being a human and loving other (mortal) humans.
I also don't believe that Holdyn will be scarred from having Birdie as part of his life. I think that secrecy and pretence would be far worse. I'm always quite open with my surviving daughter that I miss her sister and I'm sad that she died. I don't think that is unhealthy, it's simply the truth. My daughter will grow up knowing that life is not always kind. She lost her twin, it's sad but it is a part of her life and I think that to pretend otherwise would do both my children a disservice.
Just my two cents worth.
You and Birdie are in my thoughts Erin. xo
Erin, I am just so sorry to read about Birdie and to come across your blog. I can absolutely relate to what you are saying about how isolation brings grief back in. I experience that too...one emotion shuffling another feeling into our lives again.
I am sorry for the absolutely cruel comment you received here. It is unfair and unkind. I feel like apologizing on behalf of this person, but it is not my place. I can only say this: what this person said is not from a place of helping you. It is from a place of making herself comfortable. It is for her, not for you, as she seems to think. Because if it was for you, she would have sit and abiding, listening and sending support. In moments where people are unduly cruel and unkind, I like to think, "Thank goodness they don't walk this path. Thank goodness they don't know how terribly difficult living without your child is. Thank goodness."
You can always email me if you want to vent. Sending you love, and hoping you can just ignore this person, though I know it would put me in a tailspin for many days. It is hard to hear the unfair judgment of others.
Erin,
I too am new to your blog. I'm so, so sorry to read of your sweet Birdie. My daughter died in May 2008, and I often wonder what it would be like if I could just "get over it" or "move on."
If only it were that easy.
I'm so sorry that here, in your safe space, someone tried to diminish your grief for Birdie. And to leave such a comment on a post entitled 'Isolation'... well, it seems ironic to say the least.
Sending love, Jess x
@Antigonos: back away slowly. Do not presume. If you find no value in other people writing about the long trajectory tragic loss, do not read blogs about the long trajectory of tragic loss. There are plenty of other places where you can go spend your internet time. Don't waste it passing judgment on something you don't understand. Dear little Birdie is resting fine - you don't need to defend her from her own mother's heart. If you had any understanding of Erin's situation, you would see that your comment is batshit crazy.
erin, feeling for you today. so sorry you had to receive this insensitive comment from a complete knucklehead (to say the least). that suffocation - it is in our home too. there is too much snow, there is an anniversary approaching. i will hope for a february thaw for us both. remembering birdie. xo
Erin, it's been way way too long since I've visited here, and I'm sorry for that. I too am approaching four years, and I think you're right on with the snow feeling suffocating at this juncture. Having to deal with snow removal by yourself must have been tough. Winter always seems a little oppressive at this point, no doubt because I'm coming on February and all of my bad memories have a snow storm as the backdrop.
I think Angie is absolutely correct -- I get those comments occasionally, and they're really about the person writing them and not you. I don't know why some people think they can grieve better than we can and need to tell us so. They have absolutely no idea. This is not remotely hurting Holdyn -- repressing things would. Remembering is not morbid -- anyone who thinks so has an uncomfortable relationship with death and I feel a bit for them because they're in for a world of hurt when it finally lands on their doorstep. You don't move on from any tragedy, you move through.
Four years is . . . strange. For me at least. It's so far away as to seem alien, like I can step outside of myself and wonder if this didn't happen to someone else. And then I'll get some flashback when I least expect it and wonder why those aren't ebbing. Thinking of you, and remembering Birdie. (Who I believe was in my first series of scrap names, because I had her this year again, too.)
Erin, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, but I also think it's normal and okay. There is no timeline to grief; everyone is different. My husband lost his brother 15 years ago, and the anniversary is still hard. On the 9th anniversary, he cried all the way home from visiting the grave. He still cries sometimes, but I've also seen how much he has healed over the years, how he has a happy, full life now, despite the loss of his brother, and 18 months ago, the loss of our baby daughter, Sierra.
Feeling lonely or stressed and dreary weather always make me feel sadder, too. And even before losing my baby, hearing of the loss of a friend's child made me more aware of my own mortality, and now it certainly does and also makes me think of Sierra. I think this is all a normal part of grief.
I have a living child, who was born before Sierra. He was 2 years and 9 months when she was born silently. He was anticipating the birth of his little sister and struggled to understand what had happened. He still talks about her sometimes and she is a part of his life and will continue to be. His preschool teachers and pediatrician have all assured me that this is fine and he is fine. He is a happy, attached, peaceful child, not a sad or angry one.
Sending you much light and love as you approach your sweet Birdie's birthday. I live close to you - we met at the Share training for birth professionals. Maybe we can get together for a cup of tea sometime soon, if you'd like. xoxo
What you write here rings so true for me, Erin. Time helps, but I don't think it helps as much as people who don't know this kind of grief think, and the days around anniversaries can feel so heavy and sad.
I am sorry that you had to read the kind of words here that keep so many of us from being honest about our grief in real life.
Thinking very hard of you and your Birdie as these days go by.
Erin,
I am new to your blog and am so sorry about Birdie. Anniversaries are so hard, no matter the amount of time that passes.
I am also so sorry that you've been on the receiving end of a hurtful comment. As Angie says, the comment is really about her. It's easier to not relate to another's pain and minimize it than to actually empathize.
I will remember Birdie and know that she is loved and missed by her mom.
And you can count me in as someone who is officially sick of winter - it's so difficult being housebound by snow and cold. Be gentle with yourself in the coming days.
Erin, it was about this time three years ago that I met you. Three years later I have witnessed the joy that you find in Holdyn, even as you continue to mourn your Birdie. I have seen the joy you have found in the world around you even without your daughter in it. You are a wonderful mama to BOTH your children. I this is what moving on looks like. I think this is what healing looks like. You re-open to life and joy, beauty and wonder even as you continue to mourn and miss.
I'm sorry it has been hard lately. Winter is isolating in an of itself, and I know the next several weeks will continue to be heavy and likely be harder as you approach Birdie's day. I'm thinking of you and sending love. We should get together sometime soon.
Erin,
Hard to imagine that somebody who would leave a comment like that would even bother to read a babyloss blog... because there is clearly little understanding of a mother's love reflected by somebody who could make such preposterous suggestions.
Your life IS joy, as all of us who are privileged enough to be your "real life" friends can attest to. Holding the sadness, and missing, for Birdie alongside that joy is part of the true living of your life... and I personally applaud you.
xo
A comment from my friend Petra, who wasn't able to leave a comment herself:
"Erin, I hear you. I am approaching the 4 year mark this summer too
and know the feeling of a heavy heart too damn well.
As for the 2nd comment... it made me sick. And angry as shit.
So besides what Sally, Catherine and Angie said, there is
nothing to add to this. Let's just hope the commenter will never
have to deal with childloss (and receive bullshit assvice like hers).
You are not alone in this. I'm standing right beside you.
Wishing Birdie could be with you and sending lots of love your way...
xoxo
http://myskytimes.wordpress.com/
skytimes@web.de
"
Having been a certified nurse midwife for 40+ years, what I am saying is not that it is unhealthy to grieve, it is unhealthy to grieve EXCESSIVELY. Erin has written that she wonders why she isn't grieving more, she now begins "preparing" for March by working herself up earlier and earlier. She takes on others' grief vicariously. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY, and all the commenters who support her in this ARE NOT DOING HER ANY FAVORS by justifying her excessive grief.
Of course, Birdie will not be forgotten; she will always be a presence. But Erin's attitude indicates that she needs professional help to adjust; for her own sake, and that of both Holdyn and her marriage.
I have seen a great deal of death, believe me. You think me "cruel", but there are times when the kindest thing one can do is to point out an unpleasant truth. I am sorry you take this in such a way. I very much want Erin to have a happy and satisfied life, and raise a passel of happy and satisfied children.
Dearest Erin,
I am so sorry you have had to encounter this "Nurse Midwife of 40+ years" (Like that has anything to do with her knowing what she is talking about when it comes to living with grief LOL) Oh dear.
Never fear to speak out your grief here :) We all understand that having a blog is a beautiful way to work through grief. It is like having your own place to let it all out when you maybe cannot do so in real life. This woman has a tiny glimpse into your life, but has far from the whole picture as she seems to thinks she knows.
She reminds me of this know it all old grumpy midwife I had when I delivered my first born. She maybe should have retired years ago.
Wishing you many peaceful days on this road you are traveling.
Thinking of Birdie :)
With love,
Carly xxxx
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