Vacation?

So, we are going on vacation...and I have to say that I am totally excited for this.
We are in such need of R&R. However, it does seem a little weird to be going on a vacation without Birdie. Without our child who would be almost 4 months old...wow, she's almost 4 months old?

I have been really busy with my job, as some of you remember I work from home...something that I love and was super stoked about when I was pregnant with Birdie. It was so awesome and relaxing to be here everyday & pregnant with her. I was so excited to think that I would still be able to work and bring in money and spend my time with her. Well I guess I am still doing that, I still am here with her...only she is not alive and crying, I can't take breaks and just lay down with her, or nap with her and Macy. More recently I got a great promotion...so I am working much more and its good. It occupies some empty spaces, working and staying busy is helping me in my grief. At least I think it is. There are some days that I work so much that I have moments that I don't think about Birdie, and that just kills me, I feel so guilty. I want all my moments to be filled with her in any way that they can be. Perhaps that is just the stage of grief I am in right now, to be able to have those kinds of days and moments. Like I said though, I want to be consumed by thoughts and memories of her.

Like I said, I am excited for vacation. We haven't really ever had a real vacation together, not like this. Staying in fancy places...for more than one night. Going somewhere for more than a few days, or a weekend. Its going to be really good for us. A really nice romantic vacation...we so deserve this! I just wish she could come with us.

Also I wanted to let you know that I have found an outlet for my anger...yes, I have started weight lifting! It feels so good to lift weights! Its also really easy to push myself really hard when I am working out, all I have to do is think about when I was in labor, and how hard I worked through that for 24 hours. Lifting weights is a piece of cake compared to drug free labor. It feels good to be getting back into shape, really good. Soon I will start cycling again...I just need my new clothing to come. I don't fit into my old cycling clothing....surprise, surprise.

I am so freaking tired right now, I have no idea why I am still awake. I guess I better end this post. Well, I will probably not post for a while. I hope you are all doing well, please know that I am thinking of you.

Sending Love.
Erin, Birdies Mama

Birdie, I love you.

I'm Feeling Like...

I am just completely overwhelmed by so many "normal" things about one's "normal" life. Yeah, "normal" whatever the fuck that means anymore. The last two weekends we have seen lots of family, while it was really nice...a good thing to do. For me it was really hard, the thought of being with them was easier than the actual doing. I mean, I dunno...seeing my family felt really nice. I have a much smaller immediate family than M.a..tt does. I love both our families, but sometimes being around so many people is just too much for me.

These days are just sucking a big fat one if you know what I mean. Life just sucks. People tell me they understand, and they mean well...but they don't understand. I mean unless you have lived this nightmare yourself, you don't understand. I am not talking about all of you Mama's and families who DO KNOW what this shit feels like.

Fuck, I hate this, I just want Birdie to be here. I am back to asking why? WHY? Should we have made a different decision(s)?
You know, I can't stand to see pregnant women, I want to vomit on them, yeah, vomit, PUKE all over them because they make me so sick with jealousy! I just want to say something like well, good freakin luck with that! Hope it works out for you, because it sure didn't for us! Oh and FUCK YOU, I loath you for being so perky and pregnant and HAPPY to be so!

I know that all of this sounds cruel, I don't mean it....but I do....I am grieving, and I am FUCKING ANGRY...and I feel like the next time someone "normal" (people who have not had a baby or infant/child die) tells me that they understand what we are feeling, how we are grieving that I am going to scream! I'm sorry but NO you don't understand, you DON'T get it. You just don't.

Birdie, I'm sorry that Mama feels so angry, I just can't help it......I love you so much and its so unfair that so many other people get to "have" their babies, they get to enjoy and love them and hold them. Then there is you, a sweet little innocent and helpless baby....you who died still inside of Mama's body. You were supposed to be just fine in there, safe, ok. Mama's body was supposed to protect you, Mama's body made a bad mistake and stressed you out. Oh Birdie, I just cannot stand not to have you here on earth with us. Mama is angry. Mama is VERY ANGRY!

BIRDIE BLOG GONE A SNIZZLE GIZOOGLE

"To mah beautiful Birdie, you is in mah every thought...I wonda `bout you n where you are crazy up in here. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend wizzle Mama was feel'n so sad . Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this.. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in mah warm tears n in mah wiznarm heart. The tree we planted fo` you is grow'n sweetie, its gett'n brotha like you would be n we out. I wizzle I could see you smile at me whiznen I smile at you, I wizzy I could hear you cry jizzay once, or hizzle tha sound of you nurs'n...or even poop'n in yo diapa� fo' rizeal!

I love you sweetest gizzle."

READ THE WHOLE BLOG GIZOOGLE HERE

This is really funny, although it was also weird to read the blog description and posts....it did make us laugh, so that was a good thing.

I do like that it calls Birdie "sweetest gizzle", thats really adorable....

In Between Emotions

Last weekends super intense start and crash landing finish is behind us. I'm not sure if I mentioned that after the party last week, M.a.tt was heading to Boston as his b.a.nd was recording the next day. So, I was alone on friday night and all day and night saturday. Of course that did not help my emotional rage and super dark intense grief. However, it was the catalyst for good hard grieving that helped me to purge a lot of pent up anger and tears. I hadn't cried like I did for some time...so it was a good thing. That is if any of this is really any good, I mean we just should not be having to have these feelings, these ugly emotions. I felt like a monster last weekend, I felt totally lost without my husband here at home with me. It was just too much...too much.

I normally correspond with a few women who I have become close with since Birdie died...I have written about these very special women before. This past week I did not send them any emails, or make any phone calls. I feel kind of lousy about that. I guess I just needed a week to just me. Of course I was a workaholic this week to, needing to make a deadline. To you ladies, you know who you are....I am still thinking of you, you and your babies, and children are always in my thoughts.

Once again I hit the mark on my cycle this month, I used to have a much shorter cycle. Now its much longer and so heavy. Its really intense, a perfect match to my grief. Having my cycle back on track, and being able to track it as normal makes me feel relief. However, it makes me really sad too. Its that thing that tells me that I'm not pregnant, and why would I be, I mean were not actively trying. Of course you know I wish we were, but were not. That is just so hard for me, not for us to just be trying again. I know deep down its best to wait, to let my body heal more, to let my scar heal more, to let my mind heal more. I want to talk about trying, but I just get choked up, I know he needs more time....and maybe I am in denial that I do. Or maybe I have accepted that any way we look at it it seems risky. Pregnancy is a risky thing to jump into, its a "gamble." It doesn't stop my longing for it, and for a living baby. Maybe I am just so scared about trying, and getting pregnant that I AM NOT SCARED? I mean, I do feel excited at the idea, I do. I guess I can see wading through the fear, the anxiety. Maybe it's because my pregnancy had been so great, I enjoyed it so much...that it wasn't until the very end, that things went so wrong.

I have thought a lot about subsequent pregnancy(really--SO MUCH--as you know I am a little obsessed), I have read a lot about it, I have asked many questions about it of many different people. Oh, I just want to be that much closer to being able to hold a child that we have made, a living baby, a crying....a hungry baby...a sweet smelling...smiling baby, a happy baby, our baby. Girl or Boy it doesn't matter, as long as they LIVE!

To my fellow loss blogging Mama's....those of you who are expecting very soon, I am sending you all my love. I am just so excited, so beside myself with excitement and joy for you!

To my beautiful Birdie, you are in my every thought...I wonder about you and where you are. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend when Mama was feeling so sad. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in my warm tears and in my warm heart. The tree we planted for you is growing sweetie, its getting bigger...just like you would be. I wish I could see you smile at me when I smile at you, I wish I could hear you cry just once, or hear the sound of you nursing...or even pooping in your diaper!

I love you sweetest girl.

Love, Mama

I Don't Want This Anymore

Today I am in the worst of moods. I dreamt about Birdie being born dead again and again last night. My dreams took place in a completely foreign place, and I remember that it was like I knew she was going to die before she was born. Then, what followed made me feel all the more pissed off. After she was born dead in my dream, other women were giving birth to live babies, over and over, and over again...these women had it all! I think that that these dreams came from seeing twin babies yesterday at a friends party. I hadn't known that these babies would be there. As it turned out, the twins were 3 months old...Birdie would be 3 months old. Also, one of the babies was wearing the SAME FUCKING ONESIE that we had dressed Birdie in at the hospital. It was the one and only outfit she wore, that onesie created a very important memory for us of Birdie. We were sitting on the grass at the party when Matt noticed that one of the babies was wearing the onesie, he later said he wanted to rip it off the baby! Oh how I wanted to do the same! We couldn't stand to be around those babies, who were still so new, and so quiet and bringing so much joy to everyone at the party. We were both completely overwhelmed, and we had to get up and go for a walk. I cried for a little while, wow that experience totally blindsided us! Going to that party was a really big deal, more so for Matt, it was his first time with many other people. Many whom we did not know and were meeting for the first time, the parents of the twins....do they really understand how lucky they are? I was wearing a pin last night (one of the many I always wear) that has a photo of Birdie, me and Matt. The mother of the twins asked, "Is That Your Baby?" I proudly said YES! I then said, she didn't make it. She said, awwww. Uhm, you could say "I'm Sorry!" Now, this all happened before we knew about the twin babies her and her husband had, they were sleeping in their car. I know, I understand that some people don't know what to say...but some people really piss me off. She really pissed me off.

The friend of mine, who's home the party was at also suffered a loss in the past. She now has her subsequent baby who of course was present last night. I knew her baby would be, and Matt did too. Her baby was crawling all over me, and Matt very courageously touched the babies hand and foot...he was doing so, with tear filled eyes. Touching our friends baby was the first time he has touched a baby since Birdie. The baby crawled onto his lap too...Matt did ok....I know how hard it was for him, but he took a really big step in healing yesterday. We both did-together.

Today I am completely bitter about almost everything. I slept until noon, something I haven't done since the first days and weeks of being home after Birdie died. I took the dog for a walk, and shortly after forced myself to go to the gym. It felt so good to lift weights, I have been really pushing myself with the weights (safely of course). I have always loved lifting, and I enjoy it so much more now. I just want to have my body back, and I want my body to be stronger than ever. I can say that I am getting there, finally...I am making some progress and I feel really great physically.

On days like this though, my mental state troubles me...I was shopping for some art supplies this afternoon, and as I turned a corner, whaddya know---A FUCKING NEWBORN BABY! Oh Hello there! THANKS FOR THE PUNCH IN THE FACE! I could hardly contain myself I wanted to scream! GET YOUR BABY OUR OF MY FACE! Don't you know my baby died? Can't you see that in my face, in the way I walk, in the way stare at your child! Again and again I came upon the stupid baby in the store, I nearly had a nervous breakdown...I pulled myself over and began crying. It couldn't be helped and I didn't give a damn. I wanted to go over to the mother of that baby and ask if she knew just how lucky she was to have her baby alive. I really almost did. I was so close to it, but my body started to move the other way. She has her baby, and I was in the store picking out a shadow box for my babies things....I only have memories.

Today I really hate people, I am having so much trouble relating to anyone but Matt and a few other people in my life. I feel really shitty about this, but I am being honest.

I do want to share with you that I had a really nice morning on friday. I spent some time with a local mom who lost her firstborn daughter 4 years ago. Like Birdie, her girl was stillborn, she died during labor...a very normal labor. The similarities of our experiences are scary. As I was saying, I have grown very close with her, I relate to her so much, and I can share anything with her...she understands so well. So, I spent the morning with her and her 2 beautiful, angelic subsequent babes. Her children are both so very amazing, they are both like little cherubs...her oldest is a very wise little one. It felt very nice to be around her children, to hold them and embrace them. I can feel glimmers of hope when I am around them, and her. She is a very special woman.

When I left them yesterday I cried as I walked through a beautiful nearby garden. I was very, very aware of how completely empty my arms were. Empty of my baby, empty of life. My arms felt all the more long and heavy, more than I have been aware of before.

This morning I had a moment of pure clarity, pure hope...I realized (and deep down already knew) that a subsequent pregnancy will absolutely not replace our Birdie (we could never replace such a special child), but that it could bring some much needed healing and hope. These times are so gloomy and dark for us......too dark. We need to have some hope now. Its time for hope for our future, hope for a living baby that we can hold not only in our hearts but in our very empty achy arms.

These Days I'm Finding Birdie In Many Places

She is alive in the birds that come to our backyard.
She is the flowers that are blooming.
She is the beautiful blue sky above our heads.
She is a cool summer breeze that rustles our hair and gives us goosebumps.
She is alive in my heart and in my soul.
She is alive in her Papa's heart and in his soul.
She is alive in the hard and soft summer rains.
She is alive in the roaring thunder of summer storms.
She is alive in the laughter that we have managed to muster from time to time.
She is alive in her Papa's smile.

Birdie, you so very much present in our home, your home. I only wish I could see your ghost, or be touched my your beautiful other worldly aura. Is it crazy to think you might come back to us someday? Mama and Papa feel such a deep connection to you, even though your psychically ash. All of these words Birdie only really serve to tell you how very much we miss you, how very much we long for you, yearn for you. We need you here with us Birdie, we just cannot understand why you are not here with us. Why did you have to die? That is such a huge question. This is all just one big question that will never be answered by anyone.

Birdie we love you so much.
I cannot believe you have been gone for 3 months.

BIRDIE, YOU WOULD BE 3 MONTHS TODAY!

Birdie, where are you my darling girl? I have not felt a cold breeze across my feet for a long time now...send me a sign that you are ok, that you hear me talking to you, singing to you and calling out for you!

I have been thinking so much these days about how I am feeling. As the days, weeks, minutes, seconds are passing by...where am I in my grief, my sadness, my longing for my baby girl. I can say that my hurting, my heart, my sering pain stings the tinyest bit less. However, I do not think of Birdie any less as I thought I had been. I feel like even in my moments of being busy with something that thoughts of her are there...just not completely at the front of my thoughts. When I realize that that is happening I instantly feel a little guilty and sad for being in that space in my head. Then there are times, like right now, when I can just sit and think of her and its so numbing. Today, June 3rd 2007 our baby would be 3 months old. She should be 3 months old, she really should be here and we should be so happy and in love with her and celebrating her 3 months of life after birth! Before I go on, I really want to share some more photos with you all. They are photos that I took of myself when I was around 5-6 months pregnant with Birdie, and then some from when I was 9 months. The later of the images are around 2 weeks before I went into labor. These images made me cry really hard yesterday, after I picked the photos up and looked through them. It was really sad to see them, and beautiful at the same time. I waited until last weekend to have them processed and printed...and I am glad I waited, these images are kind of like a gift, another chance to see and remember Birdie in a fresh light.








I know that I have said this before, I LOVED BEING PREGNANT with Birdie. It was such a sweet blessing to be pregnant with her, she was such a fun baby to grow! Really it was just amazing every day, every moment. She was a miracle. For such a long time I wanted to be pregnant, for many years I used to try and put the pressure on Matt, "Come on let's make a baby!" However, it was just not ever the right time. As I was very well aware that I was nearing the end of my 20's and we were now married, I started to apply a little pressure, or at least the conversation of "trying." Then, last May in the weeks following Matt's birthday I became pregnant. In June, when I had not had my period, which was very unusual...I knew, but I didn't tell Matt. I needed to confirm that I was pregnant...and after 3 tests, each agreeing with what I had thought....I WAS PREGNANT, AND SO FUCKING HAPPY! WE HAD MADE A BABY TOGETHER, IT WAS AMAZING, A MIRACLE! It was this time of year last year that all this began...our story of a beautiful little bird who only had life for 9 months. Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life. Each day was full of excitement, so much joy and HUGE LOVE!



I can't believe that 3 months have passed. Where have the days gone to? We have moved so far away from the moments we had with Birdie, and that is so fucking sad. Our little girl is 3 months away from us, 3 months from touching her uber soft newborn skin, kissing her lips, holding her tight in our arms, napping with her for one afternoon. Looking back I am so damn happy that the birth center allowed us to have her for 3 days...they were so encouraging that we do keep her as long as we wanted, that was just what we needed. I don't think that we would have chose otherwise, and if I had to I would have fought for her being with us as long as she could, before she needed to have her body cooled. In looking at her pictures from those 3 days, I can see her body changing...from a pink and plump little baby, to a pale and purplish little lifeless body. You can see even just in her face how it began to sink in, her nose began to change and became a little pointed...its so sad to see those images, but we are SO HAPPY TO HAVE THEM!



We just got these images from the funeral home back yesterday. I could not wait to see them, like the pregnancy photos, they are another fresh look at where we were 3 months ago, 3 days with Birdie, then she was picked up by the funeral director...we saw her one last time...then she was gone. She was cremated on thursday, we held her wake on friday evening, saturday we held a celebration of life ceremony for her...and then reality began to sink in, what had she/what had we just gone through? How? Why? Did this happen to her? Silence lingers around that question, we will never know why.

I have began to think (out of desperation?)that she will come back to us someday...maybe in our next child, there will be a lingering of her there, her spirit will live through our next baby. I asked one mom who's first baby was stillborn (our stories are VERY similar)if she could see her stillborn child's face in her subsequent baby, and she told me YES, she saw her baby girls face in her next baby very much so. She now watches her son very closely, and often wonders if as her grown that is how her girl would have looked and acted. My cousin, who has 3 children. Has also told me how much each of her babies looked like the other when they were born. Knowing this has really enhanced my obsession of subsequent pregnancy...I know that my consuming thoughts and longing for this are natural, that it is coming from the want, the need to hold a baby...to nurse a baby...it is all coming from these things I cannot to for Birdie, things I so desperately want to do and experience. Things that I was so beside myself with excitement for, FINALLY I could have the experience of being a mommy! NO! NO you cannot, I am sorry....your child is DEAD! We just want Birdie here so badly, it hurts to think about how badly we wanted her! She was not planned, but came to us...a miracle!

This summer I will turn 29, and it makes me a little nervous about having more babies. Will this happen again? I know I am "still young", but my age does cause me to worry a little bit. I do want to be positive about a subsequent pregnancy, there is no reason not to be positive, its the end of a pregnancy that will be scary. I am finding it to be hard to have to wait, it's so hard to wade through the grief, the tears, the wretched heartache. While I want to be pregnant again, its only cause I miss Birdie, I miss holding her and loving her little baby body...but I also know that had she not died, I would not be feeling this way. Had she not died, our next child would not even be a thought yet! This is where we are, this is our life now, a sad little existence at times. This is our life without Birdie.

Sweetest little bird, tiny little baby. You are always in my thoughts, and you have begun to make your way into my dreams. Perhaps you have been there for some time, but only now am I able to remember parts of my dreams...and you are there. You are there, but not always in your baby body. I have dreamt about telling people how you died, much like I do when I am not asleep and dreaming, but feel like I am. Like this life I live now is a surreal dream, and you are not dead. I think of you so often my sweet Birdie...but there have been times in this week that I went a few moments without a thought of you. That is something that I have begun to feel guilty about. It seems strange to be able to get to a place like that, and so soon after you have been gone. How could I not still be consumed by my thoughts of you every single second of the day? It seems as if I am moving to another place in my grief, and I understand that to be ok. One thing that has not wavered is my absolute devotion and love for you. Its so amazing and beautiful to love someone as much as I love you. I also find my love for you brings me closer to your Papa...and deeper in love with him. That is something I did not know I could feel, but I do. You have brought us this love, and I have no other words for the feeling it brings. The love I feel for you and your Papa is much like travelling to a new place, an awe inspiring place...a most magnificent place where there are no words to describe its beauty and how it makes you feel. It makes me sad to think that you will never get to see those kinds of places, you will never get to be inspired by the natural beauty that exists in this world. Or maybe you will, maybe your little spirit is right here with me and Papa...maybe you are sitting on my shoulder and you are not just living and growing in my heart.

I love you so much sweetest Birdie.

Love, Mama

What a weekend it was.....and it WAS without Birdie

Its so absolutely tragic she was not with us this weekend, and I cried many times this weekend. I do think that her spirit was with us, I felt her very strongly on sunday. Yes, this was the weekend I had become scared of, the weekend of the wedding that M.att and I were supposed to be in. I had changed my mind last week, feeling terrified of walking down the aisle...something our Birdie will never be able to do. I just felt so hurt so destroyed over that thought. Its so unfair she can never have that experience, and so unfair that we can never watch her walk down the aisle. Our beautiful Birdie will never be a bride to be. Simply a tragic fact of her non-existant life. We did have a nice day on sunday, early on in the day we had a lovely walk around Walden Pond, something we both had always wanted to do. Both of us would have rather had done this with Birdie....we walked around the whole pond anyways.

Later on we had to get to the wedding location. We got there and I started feeling pretty anxious about being in the wedding, and feeling so nerved up about the whole experience. Somehow after getting dressed and then helping the bride for a little while I started to think about actually going through with "walking down the aisle", and doing it for Birdie, walking down the aisle holding M.att.s hand for Birdie. In the end that is what we did, we had the experience for her. It was so strange to go ahead and do that, but we did. We did it for our beautiful daughter. I was completely spaced out the whole ceremony, and not long after it began there were birds singing loudly in the many trees that surrounded the ceremony location. That is all I paid attention to pretty much the whole time. I just kept looking up at the trees trying to find the birds. Then I would catch Matt looking at me and we just stared at each other. So, it was not as hard as I had imagined, but it still hurt like hell to go through with it.

The other thing that I had felt anxious about was seeing so many family members. There were many of them there, M.att.s family is pretty huge. I had the fear that there would not be any acknowledement of Birdie, and for the most part I was right. I mean, I did not want that to be the topic of conversation as we were at a wedding. However, just a mention of Birdie....how people were missing her, or thinking of her, ANYTHING! There were those that did say lovely, very caring and sweet things to us, and that is what I needed and I am pretty sure M.att needed to hear. She is still our child, even though her body was not there with us. It bugs me that people don't know what to say....or that they just dont say anything, it just does.

I have not been posting as much because I have been busy with my job....busy getting a raise...and now being the woman who is pretty much learning to run "the show". I still feel the need to post here, and to stay in touch with all of you...and to think of my Birdie and write to her here.

I am just trying to figure my life out after all of this shit. Trying to get through my days of ovulation that are making themselves known like they never have before....and trying to stop having consuming thoughts of pregnancy. All of which is so damn hard. My body and mind want to be pregnant, that is the honest truth.

I do have to say though, at least today...I feel the sting of her death a little bit less, and I wonder if that is ok? I wonder if I am not thinking of her every single second of the day....am I forgeting her somehow? I feel so guilty when I have days like that, and I have had a few. Am I being a bad mama to her if I can have these moments? Or am I moving into another realm of my grief? Has anyone else felt something like this?

Birdie, I missed you so much this weekend. I had had so many warm thoughts of having you so close to me at this family wedding. I had planned to have my dress altered to be able to nurse you, I planned to hold you during the ceremony....and we planned to dance with you and walk with you and love you and oh so much more. Were you there with us? Was it you who made the birds call out in song during the ceremony? I felt such a hurtful ache for you...such a drawn out longing to hear you crying at the wedding. I think I felt the presence of your spirit....you, my darling the sweet little innocent baby who used to move joyfully and rambunkciously in my belly.

We miss you sweet girl. We still feel the full force of your love, and our love for you and each other.
Love, Mama

Birdie Always An Our Minds

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days.

That is how old Birdie would be today if she were here. As these months keeping on passing us by, I am starting to feel more and more awful. In the last few days I have realized that I sometimes feel like I was never pregnant with Birdie, that I never had a baby. I had such a great labor, that went suddenly so wrong. I had an innocence about such a natural process of life, that is now destroyed. I won no prize, she was taken from my womb in such an unnatural manner. I keep coming back to the days leading up to my labor, things started on thursday and then dissipated, so we went on with our day. The middle of the night (friday) they started up again....and then that was it, I was in labor. How intense and yet beautiful my labor was up until.

Now here I am with a hurting, sinking feeling in my body.

Now here I am wanting so badly to be pregnant again. I know that a lot of this feeling is from my want for Birdie, that makes perfect sense to me. It seems that everyday this feeling grows a little stronger. Its especially hard around this time of the month because it was around this time that we conceived Birdie, and we did not know we had. Birdie was not planned, she just came to us on a beautiful May evening last year. I remember when I first knew, it was in June, I had missed my period by a few days...which was not normal. I got 3 pregnancy tests, I did 2 right away in disbelief that they were +, and another the next morning. I did not tell Matt, I was so excited I was bursting to tell him, but I waited. I waited till the night before fathers day. I remember the lovely look on my Matthews face when he opened the container that held the pregnancy tests. He immediately began to tear up. There was such pure love there, pure joy, excitement and anxiety...he was not sure he could be a father. Oh, my darling what a wonderful father you are to our Birdie.

I long for a moment like that again, but it won't be filled with the same emotions...it will be filled with happiness and worry.

Or will it? Will we be able to get to a place of being happy for a subsequent pregnancy, and not feel terrified for what could happen again? I am taking strength in the many families we met last weekend at the Mothers Day Walk. All of whom have had a loss and found the strength and courage to try again. Many of them now hold in their arms beautiful live babies. These families inspire me and give me much needed hope.

Birdie, we love you so much. We wish we could have you here. Where are you?

Something to share...
Mama Amia...thank you for sending this to us on Mamas Day.
Little Bird, Little Bird

Elizabeth Mitchell has always been a favorite musician of mine. Matt and I bought her "You Are my Flower" album when I discovered it one day looking for music for babies and little children. I used to listen to that album in my car all the time over and over singing it to Birdie when I knew she could hear me. She was so cute..she would move and kick me when I sang those songs to her. Well, now we have this album that that song link is from "You Are My Little Bird". It's so sweet...makes me cry!

Oh Birdie...I Love You....you are my little bird.

Mama and Baby

Mothers Day...oh boy was that a day. We went to a special Mothers Day walk for mamas who have lost a baby.... The walk was organized by a truely amazing mama & papa. I felt so blessed to have become aquainted with this mama, who is also mama to a stillbirth daughter. She reached out to me within days of hearing about Birdie. I feel so blessed to know her, and inspired by her strength and hope.

Most of our family joined us on the walk, which was good, though I know it was hard on some of them. For me the walk realy gave me hope for the future, as there were SO MANY families who had had a loss that were there with their beautiful susequent babies and toddlers. It was not as hard for me to see these children because I knew how they came to be...and I knew that the parents of the children did not take these babies for granted, not in the slightest. I immediately connected with one mommy in particular who had her gorgeous twins there with her and her husband....she was simply radiant in her continued grief for her baby who was not with them in life, and in her deepest love for her brand new babies, her first born and her husband. We held each other as we walked, with one of her twins in tow....I touched her babies finger and could feel the lovely innocent energy from the child to my heart and my memories of touching Birdies fingers. What sweet sweet finger Birdie had....I love to look at pictures of her and stare at her fingers....really all of her. Birdie is so lovely.

So, Mamas day was ok. It was hard, but it felt SO good and so important to have taken part in the walk to remember our babies. It felt comforting to be surrounded by so many others who have also been in the exact place we are. Though, I would not havce wished to have been surrounded by so many....I would have wished these people to not have known such a loss. I had a really REALLY bad day yesterday, for so many reasons. I just cannot understand why people have been so cruel. They truly don't know me, us or our situation.

Today was not so bad, me and Macy went for a just about 2 hour walk, as it was so beautious outside and not too warm yet. I was going to go to Bikram Yoga today but my period cramps were pretty yuck. Oh, yeah for those who care...I got my 2nd period after my emergency-c. I guess it is a good sign my body is getting a little more normalized...I feel like it is. My mind is another story!

BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!

Moving on...back into the endless love for out girl, our Biride.

I am pushing that storm behind me.

This is a sacred space where nothing but love emenates, love for Birdie and for each other. I never knew that I could love this deeply, I loved deeply before, but nothing like this.....Birdie you have brought us such a special, sacred and beautiful love.

You are such a special baby.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!

Love, Mama

I am going to lose it over this.

ENOUGH!

If you want to read my blog, you will have to have a password.
I cannot handle this, I am on such shakey ground already. I cannot believe that this wench has done this to me. This was meant to be a nice blog, a peaceful place for me and the memories of being pregnant with Birdie. This woman has destroyed this for me, absolutely squashed this for me. I am done with this shit, just so done with it. I cannot even have a public blog now. I cannot trust that people can be polite or sensitive to me, a GRIEVING mother, this is all TOO FRESH and I cannot deal with the evil of this woman and people like her. I cannot believe that I have to make my blog private. What a fucking bitch! Thank you stupid Dr. Amy for bringing me right back to square one of my grieving. You get the grade of L- for the year! Yes that's right Loser-. I hope that you are happy with the hurt you have caused me, I just wanted an open forum for OTHER GRIEVING PARENTS! Not for OB Political Junkies like yourself.

I hope that you have to face what I am someday. Then you will know what it means to feel REAL GRIEF. REALLY RAW, IN YOUR FACE GRIEF!

You are a disgrace to the OB field and to womankind.

I'm done with this, done.

*Ladies, fellow Mama's (you know who you are) if you want to access the blog send me your email address.

She has posted my blog link with MY FULL NAME, so I want to post her info(BUT I WON'T SINK THAT LOW),she has destroyed my life even more with furthering HER POLITICAL cause with the DEATH OF MY BABY from MY attempted homebirth

Dr.Amy I don't want you to slander me or my baby's memory anymore, REMOVE THE LINK PLEASE! Dr. Amy you didn't realize that you have actually posted my info on your blog, anyone can find me, just as I found her (if you want to contact her let me know). I am serious about her removing the link to this blog, this is no joke, my blog is a memorium, a sacred place where other mama's can come and read, and maybe take something from as I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I don't appreciate her posting a link to me on her blog, furthering her Dr. Amy political cause.

Others have been succesfull with stopping harrassment against them on their blogs (with the info of the trolls who have done it), I am fighting for this too!

Dr. Amy, REMOVE the link! You are a disgrace to your profession, you are a disgrace to womankind. I want my blog back, NOW!

You have done enough damage to me, you have proved yourself a horrible person and a disgrace to your "profession" enough is enough. I want you to REMOVE THE LINK!


"You may not post information such as other people's passwords, usernames, phone numbers, addresses and e-mail addresses unless already publicly accessible on the Web."

p.s. HER INFO IS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC ON THE INTERNET, I FOUND IT VIA A SIMPLE SEARCH!

PLEASE EMAIL THIS BITCH AND ASK HER TO REMOVE OUR BLOG FROM HER ANTI HOMEBIRTH SITE!!!!!

In the past day I have learned that this woman Dr. Amy Tuteur HER SITE decided that it was just fine to post our blog for Birdie on her stupid ass website. I am so upset, so sad and heartbroken that she has done this. She refuses to remove the link and I don't know what to do. This is absolutely rediculous. This blog used to be a lovely, quiet, peaceful place for me to write out my feelings and now it has been stomped on
and I am not strong enough to keep this up.

This woman doesn't agree she is disrespecting the memory of Birdie by her actions. Yes, this is the stupid internet, simple made up of 1'sssssss and 0'sssssss.
However this blog, our blog is not here for debate about what happened, nor is this a blog meant for people like her to post a link to to scare other women who might be considering homebirth. I still believe in homebirth for women and babies. I do. This was a rare thing that happened. This is a private matter that I have entrusted to you
other mommies out there. You have been so sweet and comforting. I need your help to save this blog, because I will remove it very soon if that troll of a doctor does not remove her link ASAP. I so desperately want to keep this memorium for Birdie alive and continue to share my grief, my love for her and my family with you all, but things are rediculously out of control and for no reason at all.

Her resonse to my email plead:

"Publishing a story on a blog is like publishing it in a newspaper.
Unless you password protect your blog, you cannot control who reads it
or discusses it.

I am very sorry for your terrible loss, and I am sorry that you think
that mentioning your public posting on my blog is disrespectful to her
memory. I believe that it is important for people contemplating
homebirth to understand what can really happen. I don't presume to
offer you advice, and that is why I did not post on your blog. As I
wrote in my original post, you can read what I and others write on my
blog or you can completely ignore it. It seems reasonable to expect
that people who write on your blog will offer only supportive
comments, but does not seem reasonable to expect that if you publicly
broadcast your story to millions of people around the world, no one
else is allowed to comment on it."

Sincerely,

Amy Tuteur

Her email: dramy5@aol.com


She's so sincere...don't ya think?
erin, Birdie's Mama......posted on Mothers Day, May 13th 2007

Luvin My Baby, Luvin My Man

Just wanted to post a lovely photo of my beautiful baby girl, and her beautiful papa.


Tommarrow is Matt's birthday. I hope for him to have a lovely quiet day at home with me and our memories of Birdie.

All I can hear out my windows are the songs of many, many birds....I cannot help but think they are reflections of Birdie, and her love.

Today, I am BURSTING with love for sweet Birdie and my sweet Matthew.

It is calm here now.


Birdie & Papa(Matt), I love you both so much...I am so blessed to have you both in my life.

Dear Anonymous Commenter that left a comment @ 11:11 am on Friday, today May 11th

Please just leave me and my husband and the memory of our child alone. You have no right to say this:

"I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid that there's every chance that if you were labouring in the hospital your child would be alive and fine now.

Fetal bradycardia happens every day on a busy labour ward. It's one of the true emergencies we see. In roughly 2/3 cases the heart recovers just prior to the C section. In the other 1/3 it doesn't, and you need to get the baby out fast. In my time I've delivered probably about 100 babies safely like this, with one dead and one brain damaged (both were out within 10 minutes). So you see time does matter. The extra 10 minutes you took to get to hospital would have made all the difference (you might live 3 minutes away but you didn't take 3 minutes to transfer - I can guarantee that).

Fetal bradycardia is the main reason that doctors don't like homebirth. It's not uncommon. Like shoulder dystocia or cord prolapse, your baby is screwed without medical intervention STRAIGHT AWAY.

I know that deep down you know your choices were for the worse here. You're obviously a deeply caring person, but your rejection of "the man" has led you down a blind alley. Best of luck for the future, but PLEASE don't repeat your mistakes as others here are encouraging you to do with their platitudes."

Look fucker, all you had to say to me were the first 5 words that you wrote: "I'm sorry for your loss". That is it! You DID NOT need to continue with anymore of what you did write. We have been through enough, so just put your pride away. We are not against medical intervention, and I never claimed to be. I do not need to justify myself, or decisions to you or anyone else. My baby is DEAD, ok? She is DEAD and nothing that any of us say or do is going to revive her ashes, GOT THAT? Yeah, maybe it is my fault, don't you think that I have visited that place? Don't you think I go there in my mind EVERY fucking day? I said that enough of these kinds of comments to me and my family is enough, AND I FUCKING MEAN IT! So anyone else who wants to make nasty or judgemental comments just go somewhere else, how about commenting on some political blog about the fucking president and all the people HE HAS killed, how about you just go and do that. Leave ME, MY HUSBAND and THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY ALONE! We don't need your distasteful and negative energy here.

Enough of That, Now Its Time To MEME!

Thank you dearest Sara for the tag! I must say I was not in the "know" about this meme-ing, but I will give it a go!

I am full of love.

I am full of hurt.

I am full of ANGER!

I am sad.


I am hopeful for the future.

I am having a hard time.

I am wanting to be pregnant.

I am ALWAYS thinking of my BIRDIE!


I am so deeply in love with my husband.

I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

I am happy for the beautiful daughter we made...together.

I am going to give him the gift of another beautiful baby someday.


I am hoping for a healthy subsequent pregnancy.

I am crazy for thinking this so soon?

I am all over the place with my thoughts.


I am thankful for all of you women out there who have given such strong support. Please know how special I believe you are, I carry you with me always. I hope someday to perhaps organize a way for us all to come together in person...

I am full of hope for all of us to get through our tough times...we WILL get through this, WE have to.


I tag,Clare,Bleu and Laura

TWO MORE COMMENTS FROM HER!

"The decision to have a home birth in the US is NOT MADE WITH THE APPROVAL OF ANY REPUTABLE MEDICAL AUTHORITY but by those women with anti-medical political agendas. OK, have a home birth--but know you are playing Russian Roulette with your life, and the life of your baby. You cannot be forced to give birth in a hospital; there are no laws mandating hospital birth, just as you can choose to drink bleach. In just about every state there are no laws about home schooling--but it doesn't mean your homeschooled child is educated.
You might be interested in today's blog entry in NHSBlogDoctor."

Posted by Antigonos to Vegetarian Mom with A Vegan Baby on da Way at 4:16 AM

"You want to talk about EVIL? Choosing a method of birth that puts a baby at undue risk is EVIL. You can flame me all you like--ANYONE WHO CHOOSES TO AVOID MEDICALLY ACCEPTABLE PRACTICES ON BEHALF OF A HELPLESS PERSON IS GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER.

Of course babies die in hospital! But not for "unknown" reasons.

As for my being a horrible midwife, who "instills fear" into her patients, well, the wall full of commendations from my mothers (some of whom are second generation patients now) belies that accusation. Also the fact that never once has a patient either sued me, or even complained about my care.

Thank you, Erin, for publicizing my email address. Another totally irresponsible act on your part."