Yes, we all parent from our hearts.

I am interested in digging deeper into the cultural aspects of parenting (specifically western vs eastern and elsewhere), and the physiological and psychological effects this has on babies. If we look at the evidence of scientific analysis, anthropology, and new science of ethnopediatrics we find that babies are meant to be carried, are meant to sleep with their parents etc. My instincts have always felt this was right, so I guess I don't really need to label my way of parenting by any other name than biological, instinctual and amplified by loss.

The book Our Babies Ourselves is a must read.

I, I take photos from my heart, I always have and always will. Holdyn is nearly 25 weeks. It's been a while since I posted photos, here are some from 23 weeks - 24 weeks.

"Loss" For Words

I'm not really sure where to begin...

Birdie's birthday was a very somber but also a very beautiful day. This is what I saw when I woke up in the morning.



The sunshine that came bursting into the kitchen was very nostalgic of the morning that Birdie died. The sun was out that day, it was blasting and the sky was so blue. I know I didn't glance out the window more than a few times, but I remember that sky, that was Birdie's sky....as blue as her eyes were (we had opened one of her eyes to see).



We took things really slow on this 2nd birthday of our little bird. We rose slowly in the morn, we made no definite plans and just let the moments guide us.



This year was different feeling as we have a sweet little miracle to celebrate our sadness with. It felt different, though this year I was able to feel some of the deepest loathing dark sadness that I had on March 3, 2007. Somehow I was able to get back there, and with Holdyn in my arms I cried, I sobbed, I cried into his neck and took in his smell, I bathed in his warmth and his breath.



And my dear Matthew...he sat for hours with Birdie's urn. He sat with her body, her remains, her dust, her ash, the remnants of bone and flesh. He sat with her in this way for hours, recording video footage, close up studies of her beautiful body in her beautiful urn. I watched him do this for a time, my heart exploded and I wailed out loud. My heart broke for him, for not being able to be there lying in bed with his little girl, singing happy birthday, tickling each other, giggling into the afternoon...smitten with each other.



We decided to go snowshoeing.

It was a gorgeous day, the air was fresh with winter and snow. A perfect day for a wintery hike with Birdie, and she sang for us, before our time in the forest was done...we heard her sing.

And now here we are, I have been feeling a bit lost. Not knowing what to write because I have so much to say. I have also been busy with little Holdyn, what a miracle to wake up next to each morning, what a lovely little person to drink in, to cuddle, to nuzzle, to nurse.

It's because of Birdie that he is here right now. It is because of Birdie that I am the mother I am to Holdyn, it is because of both my children that I have let go of (and continue to let go of) my past burdens, my emotional trauma's, my baggage, my stresses. These little ones are reminders of the importance of the here and now, that each moment is so very precious, that we cannot get caught up in petty issues that are pointless. My children are like little sitting Buddhas keeping me in the here and now, in the present moment, and truly, truly being there, being completely available for Holdyn. With a clear mind I am able to see what makes him happy, when he is about to become sad, or hear that little change in his voice tells me he is hungry.

Can you tell that I am tired? I have begun to ramble.

Time for bed, my sweet little nursling will be calling soon.

xo-Erin

words will soon come.

The Sun Is Out Of Bed, Our Phoenix Has Risen

(For The Second Time)

Now we are here, the actual time of birth and death have once again arrived and passed. On this day there will be celebration, though quiet and somber. No cheerful little girl will be here running around, anticipating the excitement and wonder of her day, there will be no gifts to be thoughtfully opened slowly one at a time. We will not witness the sparkle of life in our daughters eyes. We will instead spend our days with our own wonder at the mystery of her death, with sorrow in our hearts and watch as little waterfalls spill forth from our eyes...and a tiny miracle will make this sadness OK. For there in this dark space there will be our light, our hope, our son, Holdyn who is 5 months old on his sisters 2nd birthday.

This is all still very surreal, perhaps it is always going to be.



Birdie, we miss you and love you so much.

Love you always...until we meet again in the stars,
Mama

Here It Comes. I See The Sun Just On The Horizon.

Last week I was experiencing a feeling that I had not felt since my pregnancy with Birdie. The feeling is hard to describe because it was so physical present within my body. It was almost like my body had returned to a state of pregnancy, and my mind knew what was to come. There was a wisdom there and also a sadness, and it felt very real and very familiar. I can't remember having felt that last year, a physical remembering within my body though there was definitely a rush of emotional memories, and visual memories.

Also last week a mysterious feather appeared in our house. I had noticed something on one of our rugs, and thought it was a random piece of string or fabric from my craft bin. I had noticed it and ignored it. And ignored it. Then, I was curious so I looked closer and realized it was a feather quickly I picked it up. Immediately I shared my find with Matt, we were both baffled. Now this is no ordinary everyday feather, it's long and has a reddish brown hue. It's not a crow nor pigeon feather, it looks like a pheasant feather we are guessing. However, it could be from a cardinal. We just don't know. What we do know is that it was not there earlier in the day, and after we came home from taking Holdyn to see Elizabeth Mitchell perform it was there.

We are sure it was Birdie sending us a sign.

So, here it comes my friends...here we are, here I sit tonight with a heavy heart (my heart is always a little heavy as you already know) as the seconds, minutes and hours tick tock away. The precious last hours that 2 years ago today were Birdie's last hours alive. Her Karma nearly fulfilled, for soon she would become a sitting Buddha, an enlightened one, a spirit, a perfect light of everlasting true love.

As hard as it can be to think about this time, and the vast and dark expanse of what came after things took a dangerous turn, I do think about it. I don't shield my eyes, or turn away and hide from it, my daughters death is my truth. Birdie's death is seared into my heart, and inked upon my skin. She is my daily reminder to enjoy life to the fullest, to let go of the bitterness that can turn emotions into an avalanche of anger and disgust.

This year I wonder who will forget and who will remember.

We just got a foot of fresh snow, so for Birdie's birthday we are headed to the mountains for a little snowshoeing adventure. I know it's going to be beautiful, quiet and peaceful. Holdyn of course will be there bundled up, safe and warm in the carrier. It will be our first snowshoeing adventure of the year, and Holdyn's first walk in a snowy wood.

Almost 5 1/2 hours to go now...

I am re-living that night in my mind, the feelings and memories have grown stronger since I began this post almost an hour ago. This is where it all went down, right here in these rooms before me.

Did I miss something? Some sign of distress? A call for help?

The sun is just about on the horizon...I will see you on the other side, Birdie will not.

Unplug Your Ears.

To those of you who read this blog who were fortunate to have a safe and successful birth in your home, bless you.

Unfortunately, my baby died very likely because of my choice to birth at home. So forever I am a Mama who will never ever be in support homebirth. It scares the shit out of me when I hear about someone that I or a friend knows who is considering homebirth. Belt's comment from my last post states it all so clearly...

"I was a strong proponent of natural birth/homebirth until everything that possibly could go wrong did go wrong during the course of my labor. Perhaps my decision to have a hospital birth is one of the reasons I have my son with me here today. Perhaps that was not a factor at all. I think it had to have been, as I required a c-section delivery.

There are happy home birth stories and sad home birth stories. Although there are women can rejoice in sharing a happy story, I think it is important to not let that joy detract from the very real, very sad stories that often fall on deaf or plugged ears. There are risks and uncertainties in home birth and we need to listen to the Mamas coming from a place of unwanted experience and unfortunate wisdom."

I am not saying all these things lightly, and I am not saying them without a VERY heavy heart. I simply feel the need to express once more just how seriously dangerous this choice CAN be.

Please don't tell me that homebirth is safe, that babies die in hospitals etc. As I said before, NO SHIT! My life is wrapped in a blanket of dead baby, OK? I know about ALL the ways that a baby can die, my life has been touched by this knowledge and so have the lives of many beautiful families that I now call friends, people whom I care very deeply for.

My point is this. You NEVER know what your body is going to do during labor. You just don't. You can think, you can feel so certain that you KNOW. But, you don't. Case in point, when I was in labor (going for VBAC) with Holdyn, I labored for more than 24 hours and simply could not progress past 9.5 cm. We tried all the midwifery tricks (I had CNM's), then Holdyn's heart rate dipped very low a few times. This happened after a few regular dips earlier, dips in his heart rate that were not concerning but normal. However, the last few were more alarming because I was NOT progressing and could have began to cause him distress (even though he did not show signs of this). So, we simply had to get him out, and it was not an emergency, however...when he was born we knew right away why he was not able to progress into my birth canal. My cervix had a Bandel's Ring...and Holdyn was stuck, there was no way he was going to be born vaginally.

" A Bandel's (retraction) ring develops from the physiological ring and is often -- but not always -- the result of an obstructed labor. Sometimes it can actually be seen as an abdominal indentation, signifying impending rupture of the lower uterine segment. If this should happen, death of the fetus ensues and maternal death is imminent, if nothing is done.

Immediate cesarean birth is usually carried out if this ring is seen, but usually the length of labor has been prolonged and caesarean birth is indicated anyway. CPD, or cephalopelvic disproportion, is the prime cause for an obstructed labor but, occasionally, it could be due to malposition, malpresentation, obstetric manipulations, twins, maternal fatigue and failed forceps delivery. The shape of the uterus can be normal, but this condition develops in late labor."

Now, let's move this scenario into the homebirthing world. There you are, at home, you have progressed to 9.5 cm. You stay at 9.5 cm for a good 3 hrs at least after more than 24 hrs of labor. Your baby's heart rate is steady upon each 10-15 minute check. However, in between the intermittent heart rate checks by the midwife, 2 very low dips in heart rate are missed...signs that your baby COULD soon go into fetal distress. You are then checked again, the heart rate is normal perhaps...

You are checked again...the heart rate of your baby has dropped.

You change positions, baby's heart rate is still very low....you are now in an emergency situation.

Everybody rushes in a calm manner to get you dressed and into the car, maybe you have a 5 minute ride to the hospital, maybe you have a 1/2 hr ride to the hospital. No matter how long it takes you, you have no control of what is going on within your womb, your baby is beginning to distress and this may or may not go even more down hill as you make your way to the hospital.

You see where I am going with this right?

I know that everyone wants to believe in birth, that it is always so natural and safe...that hospitals are BAD, doctors are BAD etc. All that bullshit that has been plugged into the ears of innocent believing women (I used to be one of these people!). My ears were plugged, I believed in the beauty and wisdom of my body and birth, that "My Body Knows Just What To Do". It is simply a dangerous emotional belief, a belief that so many women hold onto SO tightly that they unknowingly blind themselves into believing against their baby's best interest. Again, I WAS ONE OF THESE WOMEN.

All I am trying to say through all of this is this: Hospital/Birth Center births CAN BE a beautiful glorious place to birth. Regardless of how you end up giving birth to your child. All you MUST do is seek out the right place to give birth, meet with the staff, get to know your CNM's and the docs very well. Express over and over again WHAT YOU WANT, put your foot down about WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANT. Also knowing way back in the back closet of your mind...that if your labor doesn't go in the rosey manner you had envisioned and planned so long for, that you might have to give birth via c-section. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE IS YOUR BABY!

I know that there are hospitals/birth centers out there much like the one that Birdie was born at (remember the doctor tried in vain to save her), and Holdyn...I have NO regrets that he was born via c-section. It very well could have saved his life. If I had been stupid enough to attempt another homebirth, or "freebirth" he probably would not be here right now, beautifully sleeping upon my breast.

I wonder how many more of US there are out there, but are just to scared to speak up for fear of being pounced on by the homebirthing believers? I am scared of nobody at this point, I will debate this issue until I die, and even then the memory of the event that may well have caused my daughter's death will live on.

On My Mind

I have so very much to share, about the gallery opening this past saturday, about Holdyn, about Birdie and the topic that inevitably invades me around this time of the year. Homebirth. I think about this a lot, but a conversation that I had yesterday sort of accidentally at an Attachment Parenting group got me thinking about it heavily. There were 2 mothers there who had been lucky enough to have successful homebirths. I left with a nasty taste in my mouth and a pang in my heart. The conversation about this was light, but I felt the tears welling up as I told one of the mothers how I was so very happy that she had her baby there with her and alive, the other mother who was more gentle about the subject quietly told me when it was just me and her that she too had given birth at home, I again expressed my joy that she had her baby there with her. I explained that I could not help but feel great concern over homebirth, and for mothers who even entertain the thought of going "through" with it.

I have much more to say about this, about everything on my mind. I need to get it all out and up here, I will try to later this evening. I also have pictures of dear little Holdyn!!! 4 1/2 months! Can you believe it!

xo--Erin

UPDATE: In response to a comment from Rosegin I wrote:

NO SHIT, really babies die in hospitals too huh? That's news to me! Of course I know they die in hospital to, I know way too many parents of babies who died in hospital.

However, as the mother of a baby who died perhaps because of my poor decision (to attempt a homebirth), I do not feel it IS safe (FYI- I have heard from other mothers who have had full term loses due to homebirth as well). The whole idea behind homebirth nowadays is purely emotional and selfish, it's about the "experience".

I learned a very razor sharp lesson, IT'S NOT THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IT'S GIVING BIRTH TO A LIVE BABY! Yes, as a recovering homebirthing mother with a dead baby....I FEEL HOSPITAL IS MUCH SAFER!

This debate is rediculous! Seek out a birth center/hospital that is respectful of what you want and at the same time has the health of the baby as priority #1, I know for some these places are few and far between...but they ARE out there!

I am sick and tired of the whining about this! How about it's time for the docs and midwives to form an alliance where "Homebirth" can happen in the safety of the hospital establishment. Come on people, it's time to grow up!

Breastmilk Really Is "GOLD"

I have been well aware of just how healthy breastfeeding is for my son, and how through my breastmilk I pass on immunities and antibodies. But what I have really wanted to find out is the nitty gritty of how all of this works. Exactly what and how it all goes "down" so to speak. Well, my dear breastfeeding blogger friend Sara at Custom-Made Milk makes it all clear or "milky" if you will...ha ha!

"When your child is first born, they are born with a gut that is fully open. Things pass freely through the gut to the bloodstream. This is why human breast milk is so important for human babies. Because it contains far fewer allergens than soy or milk-based formula, and because with an elimination diet it contains just as few allergens as hypoallergenic formula."

"Interestingly enough, as your nursling matures, the antibodies in the milk become MORE concentrated instead of less concentrated. Antibodies continue to pass through to the child after 6 months. They also drastically reduce the number of pathogens in the child’s digestive tract, sinuses, middle ear, etc."



The information she gives here, plus the information I get from Le Leche League etc. Is so very, very encouraging to me, encouraging for the good health I am passing to my little bunny, but also encouraging to breastfeed my "nursling" as long as he wants to, and allow him decide when he is ready to wean. For now though, I remain here in my 4 month old baby bliss, lovingly nursing my tiny miracle.

Birdie's Story To Air On NPR



Last summer Matt and I recorded Birdie's story at the Story Corp booth when it came around. Well, Birdie's story is about to be heard by the listening public tomorrow morning. If you are able, I hope that you will also listen.

http://www.wfcr.org

I feel so much love and warmth in my heart as we near March 3, 2009.

Birdie your birthday is coming and more love is surrounding you everyday, as more people learn about you, our spirit child, the more the silence of grief is broken.

UPDATE! If you missed the on air broadcast, you can listen HERE

4 Months...

For My Little Bird, On Her 2nd Birthday

As some of you might remember, it has been a deep seeded wish of mine to show some or any of the photos that I/we took in hospital with Birdie, or the photos that I created from some of the hospital photos. For a long time this had seemed like a pointless pursuit, pointless in that as you all know our society is so afraid of images of dead babies, our dead baby included.

I am really blessed to have been selected to show 3 pieces in a gallery show this month (The show is called Balance: Mothers Who Create). I have K from Our Box of Rain to thank for showing me the way to the call for artists! If not for her, I never would have known about it.

So, my very dear fellow babylost mamas...some walls will be brought down very soon. Walls that keep out the truth, the terrible heartbreaking truth that babies die. I know full well how hard these images and my statement will be for many to gaze upon and read. However, it is my truth, yes, my baby died. My beautiful healthy baby died just before her life could have been saved. Now, nearly 2 years later, after many many tears have been shed, many dark hours and sleepless nights...Birdie is making her debut into the public's eye.

Birdie is making a "still" debut. She is going to break the silence for all of us and I hope that people will listen. For if they listen to Birdie's story, they listen to all our babies stories and feel the importance of remembering, loving and celebrating our children.

Please, if you are can make it out to the opening I would love to meet you and share memories of our beautiful children.

The Little Art Gallery Under the Stairs

Saturday, February 14
2:00pm - 4:00pm
LynnArts Inc., 25 Exchange Street
Lynn, MA

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Birdie girl....you are going to be seen by the world! This is only the beginning! (Her birthday isn't until March 3rd, but the show will still be up then)

4 Months

Before I forget here are some of the developments/milestones of Holdyn at 4 months! Holy crap he's 4 months!!!

-holds his head up really well while sitting and while on his belly

-crawling with our help, he pushes against our palms, he loves it!

-is making a NEW squaky/squeak sound when he is excited/stimulated about to cry

-focusing really well on faces and objects

-easily excited by objects/facial gestures/sounds/words

-grabbing things really well when put near or in his hand

-when i try to nurse him sitting he is not so keen on this anymore, arches his back laughs a little and then cries, a good percentage of the time he prefers to be in the BabyHawk carrier to nurse and fall asleep

-he LOVES listening to Tom Brosseau to eat and or calm down, loves to bounce and or dance while listening to this music too.

-if we saw Chica Boom to him is all kinds of crazy ways, HE LOVES IT!

-he is smiling so much and giggling!

-he loves LOVES to talk! He really loves to vocalize and responds to our words and sounds, it's AWESOME!

-enjoys when Macy is nearby, loves to pat her and punch her (accidentally) and loves when she licks his hand

-he is starting to look like a baby, not so much a newborn any longer...awwwww.

-loves to stand up and walk with assistance of course, he bends his knee and knows to put his foot down on the floor! It's WILD!

-loves reading G is for 1 Gzonk, Happy Birthday To You (Dr. Seuss), The Lorax (Dr. Seuss...he loves the colors and illustrations, he reaches out to touch the pictures on the pages

-Sleeps through our wintery walks! Of course we get bundled up, so we are both warm and toasty!

-Sleeps through the night, with a few quick diaper changes of course

-Holdyn is just super!!!

What Lay Upon The Horizon

We are getting so very close to Birdie's 2nd birthday. It still feels as if it was only yesterday that we were so excited with that innocent new parent joy. Expecting to birth a live child, as you might remember, we were expecting to have her at home. Now, the thought of that makes me ill. While many days, months and now almost 2 years have passed I still feel a deep guilt for the choice that ultimately was mine. Had I not been so damned naive and headstrong maybe my baby girl would be here right now.

She isn't.
She died.

Right now as I site here typing, right beside me is the lovely, sweet smelling, warm body of Birdie's little brother. I gaze upon his face, as his eyes are gently closed in a most peaceful slumber. Yes, he looks like his sister, he looks so very very much like her and so perhaps I am getting to watch a glimmer of how she would have grown too. For some it might be hard to have a subsequent child who is a reflection of there dear one who is not with them in the flesh. For me, for us, it is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter. In a way, I am relieved that he resembles his big sister. When I was pregnant I wondered and hoped that he/she would have a small likeness to Birdie.

Oh Birdie. I am missing you very much, very very very much. Sweetest little angel baby, you would be turning 2 years old very soon! I wonder what you would be like, maybe have golden blonde locks with ringlets of curls? Big sparkling vibrant blue eyes, eyes as piercing and lovely as your papas? A big hearty little girl lauph, with a giggle to match?

I just don't know, I can't ever know, I will never know my daughter.

DENIED!

Really briefly, want you to know that MassHealth sucks an even bigger one! I have been denied a hearing. BUT, there is a premium assistance program available. This program pays for most of the monthly premium cost, leaving us a small (in comparison) amount to pay. I spent a good amount of the afternoon on the phone yesterday before finding out about this program (they don't just offer up the information), so they are investigating Matt's insurance and are going to let us know what to do. So in the meantime I am insurance-less. That's OK, just as long as I have insurance again within the 60 Day? window...I think it's 60 days.

Also, I re-weighed Holdyn after his bath this AM, he is more like 15 lbs! PHEW!

Remember when:


And now:

Not The Best Time...

To get dropped from my state health insurance plan, aka Medicaid/MassHealth. I got a letter a few weeks ago stating that I would lose my MassHealth because "You or someone in your family was offered insurance blah blah blah....your income is too high...blah blah blah. Oh, really? You mean to say that as long as I am pregnant I can get MassHealth, but when the baby is born our expenses stay the same? FUCK NO they don't my friend!

So, anyways I have requested a fair "hearing" to meet with a MassHealth officer/rep. I feel that my case is pretty strong, if I am forced to get onto Matt's insurance it will cost around $210 a month. That might not seem like a lot, but when it will put us in the red with our monthly expenses, IT IS A LOT.

Monthly Expenses
Utilities: an easy $400
Rent: $650
Car Insurance: $100
Diaper Service (cost is comparable to disposables if not less): $80
Food (organic nutritious pesticide free food): an easy $500 a month

Equals to: $1730

Now when our income is around $1600 a month after taxes.....we are in the red, if you take another $210 from that it's $1400 a month. Thanks a lot Mass Fucking Health! Plus, these expenses don't include gas for our cars (i don't use my car all that much, so that helps), this also doesn't include buying clothing for Holdyn (even if they are thrift bought), and activities that we want to take him to. Let alone if we want to go out to dinner as a family once in a while.

So, when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how they made their decision to cut me off from affordable insurance. Thankfully Holdyn is still covered, he is set for 2 years.

If there is anyone out there who knows anything about law and could give me some tips for when I go for my hearing (or have it over the phone), I welcome your thoughts!!! I can get a little hot tempered with these things, and I know that I need to keep my cool. If I am well prepared, that will help.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? After Birdie died, they did this to me, BUT they said I was eligible for a MassHealth program called Commonwealth Care, it was affordable for us at around $70 a month. But, $210 a month, that is not affordable and we will have to take even more from our savings. Our savings that we have been dipping into to pay our utilities, our savings that was meant for when we want to buy a house!

HELP!

p.s. I forgot to mention that in Massachusetts, if you do not have insurance you can receive a penalty on your taxes. Uhm, OK THAT"S JUST GREAT! How about if you CAN"T AFFORD IT!

A Few Things

At 16 weeks Holdyn is weighing in at around 19lbs give or take a few, but holy jeebers that's a lot of pounds dude! I am going to measure him later on, he was 24 inches about 3 weeks ago...so we'll see!

Below are some photos I took while in the process of this post, as you might be able to tell, Holdyn is now tall enough that his head are out of the carrier's head support! I can remember when he was still small enough that his legs barely stuck out the sides of the carrier! Crazy!




Also, as you might have noticed there is a March of Dimes widget on the left sidebar of the blog. I am going to be walking on April 18th for all the babies whose parents I have met through SHARE, and through my writing this blog. Your children and my girl are always with me. May my footsteps, and others' be a quiet and loving peaceful meditation on all of the babies who came into this world too soon. If you can please take a moment to go to my pledge page via the March Of Dimes widget. I have a goal of raising at least $200, but I am hopeful to perhaps raise over $200.

Blessings.
Erin

Help Save Handmade!



Handmade, non-toxic toys RULE! However the lovely folks who make these toys and other handmade items are in trouble. Click the image above to read all about the legislation that will strangle handmade!

THIS RULES!!!!!!



THIS TOO!!!

PRESIDENT OBAMA!


I said it before after the election and I want to say it again.

I am proud to be a citizen of America, I couldn't proclaim that for the last 8 years. I am inspired to serve, now I need to find out how and where!

15 Weeks

15 weeks, how many days does this equal too? I have to really sit and do the math, it's too difficult for me really even comprehend that we have gotten to this point. Still, here we ARE. As I sit here right now, on our bed, sweet little Holdyn in lying beside me his breath calm and peaceful as he sleeps. I feel like I need to pinch myself right now, to really know that this is not a dream, that my beautiful living child, my son is indeed here with me. Oh he is just so sweet, so very sleepy and warm.

Today we had a really fun afternoon. There was a local children's concert with Uncle Rock, and so we took our little Holdyn to his first LIVE music concert! For the first few songs he was fast asleep in the carrier, as he didn't sleep much in the morning. I decided to gently take him out of the carrier, to slowly wake him so that he could see the environment he was in and the performance. He was wide eyed, and clearly interested in all that he was seeing and hearing. There was lots of singing along and call and response, so me and Matt were very into it. We had a blast!



Holdyn is very responsive to music and movement/dance already, as I/we sing to him ALL the time and the singing is almost always accompanied by dancing with him in our arms or in a carrier. Actually Holdyn's new thing is not wanting to nurse while sitting in the rocker lying across the nursing pillow...he has begun to prefer to have me standing up dancing/rocking/singing/nursing him! I really love doing this, however he is getting heavy! =)

For my most recent birthday Matt got me a BEAUTIFUL Gretch guitar, it sort of resembles a blues guitar. It's just lovely! For the longest time I hadn't been playing/practicing. Partly because my belly got too big and we didn't have a tuner or amp! Well, we have a temporary sort of amp and I got a cheap but great tuner and have been taking the guitar out almost everyday and playing for Holdyn. Really I don't know what I am doing yet, but I love the sound of my guitar and so does Holdyn. I sit him in my lap and he likes to touch and hold onto the neck of the guitar as I strum and attempt to play a few chords. In March I am we are going to be taking a Music Together class and I am so excited! We really want music to be a big part of his life, not just listening, but playing it and singing! I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn about learning instruments when I was young, now I see how much I missed out on! Although, the clarinet was kind of boring.

WOW I am rambling on here! OK, so I have photos from 13 weeks and 14, I have to get the 15 week ones of my camera still. Maybe tomorrow I will have a chance at that. For now, here you go. Our sweet little man for you all to see.


13 Weeks






14 Weeks





p.s. the play gym that Holdyn is playing with HE LOVES THE HECK OUTTA IT! I splurged and got this for him, its made in Germany, its completely NON-TOXIC, all wood with a natural (beeswax) finish, non-toxic paints. I trust absolutely NOTHING that comes from China, even the clothing made there is toxic. I just read an article last week about how the baby/children's clothes from there is treated with formaldehyde to preserve it for shipping overseas! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me? That shit is fucked! So, NO nothing for this boy is coming from China, no toys, no clothes NOTHING. Besides, I never felt comfortable with the idea of plastic/fabric/any toys that come from there. Plastic toys are toxic anyways. So, although the natural/wood toys may be more $$$, it gives us peace of mind, and they will last a good long time! The same goes for organic clothes, they cost a bit more, but it is worth it. They are better for baby, and better for the environment. I don't give a flying fuck if I sound like a crazy mama with all this concern, I feel that I am just being super mindful of my son's health and the health of the planet. Everyone has to do their part, and Holdyn is one tiny addition to this planet's population, if he and we can lessen the impact that he makes via, cloth diapers, natural toys and organic clothes that we will do it! Plus, it will in turn make him a more conscious little boy and maybe he will grow up to be a conservationist or something like that! Dammit now I have really rambled. Sorry!