Maybe the quiet space here has been so quiet because it seems impossible that 4 years have passed...so quickly. I can't wrap my head around it, nor have I been able to muster up the tears that are right there at the edges of my eyes. My eyes well up and then, I don't know. As I was telling a close friend who asked about how I was feeling about today...I WANT to go THERE. To THAT space in my mind, within the emotions that still stir there. I WANT TO FEEL the pain, the despair, the darkness. I want this for myself because it brings me backwards, it brings me back to her. Back to those moments when we had her body still there with us. We had here there, in the hospital room where we could gaze upon her beautiful face, hands, finger, toes and touch her soft skin...her hair. All of this was so important, it is still important. No, I don't want to avoid those hard places, I want to welcome them back and feel them fully. But, with these years comes a softening of one's heart, with the blessing of a miracle, a sweet subsequent one who made it here earthside, my heart has welcomed the softness.

And so I will open her "memory box" today. I will touch the small tiny fingernails, the small whisps of her strawberry blonde hair and I will look through the collection of photographs.

Birdie o Birdie we love you so! More and more with each passing year.
We love you, we miss you.

Twinkle bright my little star, watch Holdyn from afar.

4 yrs.

Thoughts on My Mothering Journey (as I embark upon the journey to become a LLL Leader)

My mothering journey began nearly four years ago on March 3, 2007 when my first child, Birdie was born still after a 24 hour labor at home (for a planned homebirth) turned emergency and an emergent c-section to try to save her life. I had read so much about breastfeeding on various natural birth blogs, breastfeeding blogs, the Sears books…I knew that it was going to be right for me and my baby and for our family. Then, after the death of our daughter, when her milk came in and immediate steps were taken to make the milk go away, something within me awoke, even at the beginning of my grief journey, something deep inside my soul drove me to believe that someday I would have a living child to nurse, someday the precious milk my body was very capable of making would nourish a living child.

It was around day four after arriving home from the hospital with no baby that I noticed that there was some milk present and quietly pooling within my breasts, it leaked just enough that I reluctantly and desperately opened the package of “organic nursing” pads that I had received as a gift at our baby shower months before my due date. (Baby shower’s to me now feel very uncomfortable until one’s baby is in fact earthside, alive & breathing)

I was told not to take a shower that would be too hot, that the hot water if it got upon my breasts could cause the milk to come out. I headed this warning, though there were a few times when in my deep grief I stopped caring if the milk poured forth and made damn sure that my breasts, my nipples felt the hot water. I wanted to know what my babies milk would have looked like, what did it feel like? Taste like? I can remember the homebirth midwives telling me “ You look like a milky mama”. I felt that I was meant to be too, with all the weight I had put on. Pre-pregnancy my body is petite/slender 115lbs, during pregnancy I put on 60-70lbs. As it turns out, I grow really big babies! Birdie was 9 lbs 5 oz and 22 inches long! So, I can only guess how her milk would have nourished her to grow and gain quickly.

Losing Birdie lead me to lose myself for a time. I became very enthralled in the darkness of my grief. For a long time I couldn’t stand to be near pregnant women, babies, families. It all made me sick. I turned inwards, I let go of my hopes, my dreams to be that natural, lovely breastfeeding mama that I had envisioned for those 9 months. My world was turned upside down, my heart shattered into millions of pieces, my soul blackened, and my hair began to gray. For a long time, it was all too much. So, I stepped away, but I started to “journal” or “blog” about my very different mothering experience. It was all I could do most days, for months but to write out what was inside my heart, my heart that still held a beat, but probably skipped from time to time when all I could do was think about how much I loved and missed my girl so desperately.

(more to come)

"Mortal beings. We are here but for a moment. We disturb the waters with our presence, rings round us form…… like a stone thrown in. When we leave this dimension…soon the water smooths and it is as if we were never here."

My dear blog friend Mere Mortal Mama recently wrote a post about death and mortality that has been sticking with me, prompting my last post regarding my feelings of isolation and foreboding. The quote above came from her papa who commented on her post. His response is beautiful and loving.
---------------------------------

There is so much stirring within me, most prevalent are thoughts death (of course). Dark as this might sound to some who don't know me well enough to understand why I think of death, and in some ways feel a kinship/comfortableness with death. How could I not? I was "there" when my baby "flew" from my being, and I felt her slip away, she helped me to see her flight and gently guided me back to my body.

Some do not know that I almost left this earthly life with my little bird. For I saw a light, a bright white light, and I could feel my mind flashing backward and forward. I was scared, but also comforted...and then I took a breath, and then...

I awakened into silence. No living breathing baby. Only a still, silent baby (still pink and warm from birth).

Nearly 4 years out everything about this horrific experience reels within me. However, I can sit with death and feel comfortable with it (maybe because I believe in reincarnation?). It is this comfortableness that I try to think about and live as fully as I am able. Lately though, things have become emotionally jumbled/confused around here and it clouds my judgment at times causing me to question myself much more than I usually do.

But when I look at Holdyn and his beautiful FULL explorations of life/thoughts/movements/creativity/Joy I rejoice in his every moment, his every breath. He is just so FREE! I want to be that free. To let go of all this stuff in my head and just BE.

isolation.

These last 10 days or so have been filled with much tension and isolation as we received an enormous amount of snow, were then without the papa of the house for 5 days and I was the only active parent. It was intense, but we made it through (and it went much better than anticipated).

But still we are isolated. There has been an sense of foreboding in this house as of late between the adults in the house. It feels as if this winter is suffocating our abilities to speak in coherent sentences to each other.

Of course it’s not only the snow piled up around our doors that brings us to the place of isolation, it’s also the lingering of death. Where almost 4 years ago, death was creeping, making it’s way (secretly) to our doorstep.

It’s heavy. Death is heavy in my heart…I am remembering these last days of my life nearly 4 years ago. I am reminded of my immortality. Everyday, I am reminded. So quickly we can go from such joy and certainty to such dark sorrow, such tremendous loss. So quickly our hearts can become shattered and our lives violently shaken and spun.

We are merely mortal. We are not forever. We are here for a time, then we are gone.

In Vigil.
















many lights, hands, hearts and loving kindness for Zephyr's family.

I cannot find the right, appropriate words to express my confusion, anger and sorrow for the tragic sudden death of our former midwife's son. When I spoke over the phone with Matt (who is away on a film shoot) about the death of T's son, he was beside himself. We are both beside ourselves, and I want to claw my way to her and cradle her in my arms the way that she cradled me and loved me after Birdie died. I am left with a tremendous feeling of guilt for having pushed her away after so many months. Things just got too hard, and she had been too close to what happened. I knew damn well the good person, the beautiful woman, the good friend that I shut out. It was just too hard, and I was furious that she could continue on helping mama's give birth to their babies safely at home. Too close. It was all too much.

When I found T on FB I friended her, and casually would say hello. Curious about her, and her lovely family who live out in the beauty of nature. I wondered about her, pondered making plans, but never followed through. I was scared.

About a month or so ago, I was looking through photos on her FB profile to "check in", to see how her children had grown. I commented about how beautiful her daughter is, with an offer to photograph her and her daughter. Never hearing a reply, I figured she was not interested.

This last thursday, when I learned of her son's death, I was so caught off guard and realized how much of her life I had missed out on these nearly 4 years.

What can I do for her? It's like I am a stranger with this distance of time.

Fuck, I remember so clearly EVERYTHING that she did for us. She stayed by us, she stayed by us.

There's a Zephyr Moon Tonight.

When I heard the terrible news on this 13th day of January I was stunned, instantly numb and confused. Someone whom had been such an intimate participant in the birth of our Birdie, someone who really and truly with all of her heart and soul understood us in our journey to give birth...and then after Birdie's death she stayed by our side trying to make sense of all that had transpired. She never left our side...until it was too hard for us all.

Today, we learned the terrible news that her son had died unexpectedly. Her sweet and talented Zephyr.

So tonight I am filled with thoughts of her, a loving mama who's son has left this earthly life too soon. Tonight I hold thoughts of her Zephyr so closely to my heart. Sweet mama, I am crying warm tears of love for your loss. I am so sorry, my heart is open and ready to embrace you when the time is right. All love to you and your family.

There's a Zephyr Moon Tonight.

In Absence Of So Much

It's become a terrible habit of mine, leaving this blog silent for too long. The stretches of time in between my writings harp upon me every single day, yet still I have been finding it most difficult to return to this place. A place that has been so therapeutic for my heart and mind...

So much has been happening in our house, our sweet little devine one is becoming a little boy. At 2 he is nothing short of amazing (he has ALWAYS been amazing to us!), he has mastered the english language, truly, seriously, to listen to him speak blows our minds! Holdyn had some kind of epiphany of sorts back at the end of October where he was riding his (borrowed) trike around the house full speed back and forth and all at once began sputtering off words and sentences and it sounded like his brain was exploding!

It seems that every few weeks, sometimes months Holdyn seems to turn another corner, his horizons expand and her personality blossoms even more beautifully.

I am inspired by the beauty and curiousity of his heart.



For a good long time now after Holdyn's birth I have been riding the "high" of the miracle that was his birth. Only recently have I started to stumble a bit, feeling ashamed of my failures to continue to write regularly of my first little sunshine, my bird.

I harbor great guilt within me, that I have begun to not forget her...but then again yes, "forget" her. My bird is not at the forefront, my grief, our loss of her, her death...I STILL need to feel that darkness, my heart shattered, my body numb and useless.

It's become a habit that I don't take time for myself anymore, to read (loss blogs), to write in this space, to just sit and meditate, to just be in a quite space. More than anything I wish to, but more times than not I end up sitting in front of this computer watching TV to space out and melt my brain. This didn't used to be like me, but now it's become a habit that tonight, FINALLY I am forcing myself to break.

And now that I am starting to spill my beans...I am getting exhausted!

Her Milk.
(part 2)

Yes. YES. YES it would have been OK.

It would have been absolutely OK to have gently compressed my breast to release a single drop of colostrum. To watch it slowly come forth and then slowly release and drop upon her darkened lips...

Maybe there would have been, could have been some magical elixir within the properties of her milk to revive her stopped heart, something that science would not ever be able to explain to ever so gently rock and palpitate her blood...rushing surges of the life giving milk that was meant only for her. Perhaps as her mama, with the milk coming into my breasts there could have been a glimmer of miracle milk!

Many who know me now, as I am, as a Mama to my living child know of my loss but I don't know that they are fully aware or think about this part of my loss. I don't know that many people who knew me then, friend or family even gave a thought to the additional loss that losing Birdie's milk felt like. It was a double heart break, a second shattering of the future.

In hindsight it feels as though the importance of her milk was completely ignored because "they" were scared of allowing it to come. I don't know that I was. I don't know that I really thought about it until those around me were trying so many things to get it to cease.

NOW. I want her milk back. I want her milk to rush in, I want to know what that first experience of engorgement. I want her milk back.

OK. So, now that I have gotten here, now that I am in this head space knowing what I now know about Mama Milk and the MAGIC it really does behold I can share that there is a glimmer, a whisper of Birdie's milk that is still present, it is present every single time that Holdyn nurses from my breasts...as after each birth of a baby the Mama's breasts lay down more Oxytocin receptors. So, when I think about the loss of being able to nurse her, the loss of her milk coming forth, it comes forth now for her little brother and in a very generous way even now 2 years after his miraculous birth...her milk is here now in harmony with his milk.

Her Milk.
(part one)

I have been thinking about Birdie's milk a lot as my nursing relationship with Holdyn so lovingly continues on it's path. I have been thinking about Birdie's milk more after I took part in a SHARE parent panel that was speaking about baby loss to hospital staff/nurses/doctors/doula's etc. a few weeks ago. While I always truly love to speak of my bird, of course speaking about the experience of the events leading up to her death brings so much to the surface...emotions that now 3 years later, as Mama to a living child are quited a little.

It has been a long time coming for me to really speak to this. As I sit here now, quite in my home, on the couch...I think hard back to the talk, the chatter around me, the almost rush to protect me from the milk that would come. My little bird's milk, HER MILK. Milk that she couldn't suckle to remove from my breasts, and milk that I was encouraged to almost immediately to slow from coming if not stop it from coming. I asked one time if maybe I should donate my milk to help another, I was gently discouraged from this.

I wish that I had not been. I wish that I would have been told that that would be OK. I wish that our midwives/nurses/doctor would have had information about milk donation after a baby dies. In addition to the more than 100 photographs that we were blessed to be given by NILMDTS, donating Birdie's milk would have been an additional way to heal. It's only in hindsight that I see how cathartic it would have been.

I can remember the mention of Sage tea as a sort of "prescription" that I would drink to keep my milk at bay, or slow it down. Cabbage and cabbage leaves were in abundance in our hospital room, it was incredibly devastating to have Matt be in charge of making sure that I had cold cabbage on my breasts, changing cabbage leaves numerous times a day for many days. It was beyond sad and devastating to have done this.

I wish I had just let the milk come in as it should have, as it was meant to be there filling my breasts, ready to pour forth to my sweet smelling newborn.

But there was no baby to suckle at my breasts, no baby to give this incredible living food too. No.

I wish that I would have held strong to my instinct to see my breasts fill, to allow my body to feel what would have been, I SO badly wanted to see what my milk looked like, would it have poured forth as I took a scalding hot shower after scalding hot shower? Would it have been creamy white? Yellow?

Would it have been OK to squeeze some colostrum out and into her mouth...?

YES. YES. It would have been OK.

2 Years

My boy, sweet snuggly delicious little Holdyn is now a 2 year old.

How did we get here? I can still feel the surge of adrenaline and hormones rushing through my body when I recall his birth. I can still feel that insanely intense pull for want of my baby to be right there with me as his lungs were quickly checked by the pediatrician immediately after birth...I can feel that rushing of tears, hot tears, tears of joy, tears of a most tremendous love for the baby that lived, our baby. Our MIRACLE, our Holdyn.

This tremendous boy, this bright, compassionate and empathetic boy, he has grown. I see the evidence of who he will become. I am passionately and patiently encouraging a child of wonder and joy...the freedom of exploration is molding him into a beautiful person, a self reliant and self confident boy. He is a lover of nature, of animals, of books of music. Surely, Holdyn is nothing short of AMAZING.

There is so much love poured into each day with my boy. There is the tremendous love that I have for him, and in addition the tremendous love for my Birdie. All of this love is just so huge that my words here will never properly be able to express or describe the true nature and size of the love that I behold for Holdyn.

Does this make any sense? What I want to say is that because of my loss, because of my first experience as a mama that I feel a doubling or layering of love for my boy. There was so much love that I never got to give to my girl...

Oh, my Holdyn my beloved one. You are so trusting of yourself, and of your world. To watch you play and experiment in nature is so very heartwarming and lovely. Your curiosity is so free and seemingly endless. You are teaching me so much, you are teaching me to follow my curiousities and re-embrace creative endevours...your gentle way, your gentle soul makes me want to be a better person and strive to become only the best most gentle mama that I can.

Your ability to speak in complete sentences is remarkable, you can count 1 to 10 (and then some), you can say the AbC's (which you do randomly at your leisure)...you recite humpty dumpty and little miss muffett among other nursery rymes and snippets from books and songs. Your intelligence is very apparent and reafirrming to me that simple choices we have made in raising you are being realized through your nature, your personality, your bright starlit way about you.

You speak of your sister, you speak of her in gentle ways...
At random you spoke of her a few weeks ago, "Birdie died" you repeated slowly and lovingly as we cooked dinner together. My heart melted as you spoke those words, and then we talked for a bit about Birdie.

You are a wise soul. You are my world Holdyn (of course Papa is too!), but without you here, now, I don't know who I would be...if I don't know how I would have been able to carry on with the weight of your sisters death. You, little you, you have brought great healing and joy to our family. You are a miracle of life, you are a wonder that I will forever ponder, and I will continue to snuggle and nuzzle you as a mama bear would her cub for as long as you will let me. I love you forever sweet Holdyn, you are my greatest wish come true.

Happy 2nd Birthday my love.
Mama

The Magic Castle

Summer Love 2010

My Living Heart.

My Holdyn, my miracle whom I breathe in daily. How blessed I am (we are) to lay beside our little (big) bundle of love and joy. How much he has grown and changed. From a sweet and snuggly little bobbing nursling to a walking/talking and giggly little boy. Yes, my sweet miracle is becoming each day more like a boy...less and less baby/toddler. Though, I do not wish to rush him away from his toddler like mannerisms and behaiviors...he is finding his own path with our gentle eyes watching (not directing his every move), for he has the capacity, the instincts to do and learn as he needs to.

He is amazing in every way. As I write this I am giddy to head up to bed, to peacefully slumber and snuggle in with my dear one. To hold his sweet hand, to brush his hair ever so gently away from his gentle closed eyelids. I am savoring this all, these long nights, the long summer days of loving my dear boy, playing alongside him and following his lead, singing to him as he so beautifully nurses. It is all so delishous to me, it is all so lovely. Every word he says and how he says it amazes me. How is it that he can count to 10? How is it that he says some of the ABC's? I am amazed by my Holdyn's capacity to remember things he hears (repeating sentences from songs & books).

His love and enthusiasm of music is profound, not just listening but playing instruments. He LOVES drums & cymbols, guitar, piano etc. Any instrument he is near he is compelled to play it with gusto (we set up a snare drum and cymbal, as well as my guitar available for him to play). Amazing!

Holdyn makes me feel like I can do anything. He is pushing me to consider doing things that I had sort of "put on hold", like my artwork. He is showing me how important it is for him to build relationships with other's, something that took me a long time to feel OK with. Even now there are only a few who I am comfortable enough to leave Holdy with for an hour or so, and it's still hard for me to walk away...

I really don't like not being with him ALL THE TIME. There is so much love within me for my child, and I don't want to miss anything he does.

nurse nina.

It's really the best thing to wake up in the morning to hear Holdyn say nurse nina with a big smile and great enthusiasm.

Have you guessed yet what nurse nina! could possibly be? well, it all started a little while back, when Holdyn used to ask for "nursies". He would ask to nurse saying, or at time exclaiming "NURSIES, NURSIES". Then one day, maybe 3 weeks ago or so....he started to call "nursies, "nina", and then that evolved into "nurse nina".

Since I have been really lousy about documenting in writing a lot of the things he says now, I wanted to be sure the document this here. Nursing is such an important part of our relationship, we are both so happy to have the sacred time together to "nurse nina!"

I know that I don't talk much about breastfeeding on this blog, or at least I haven't for a while. Perhaps I am still not so sure who is reading this blog anymore and I feel protective of those who might be newly grieved, those of us who have not yet been given the gift of a living child to breastfeed.

When I had to work at drying up my milk/stop it from coming after Birdie died it was devastating. No, it was so much more than that, I don't feel I have the words for how that felt. My whole body felt numb from my grief, but somehow my breasts felt alive, and the warm milk...it was there. I saw it everyday creamy and dried upon the cotton breast pads that I wore each night after removing the cabbage from my bra.

Now, more than 3 years later...milk pours forth from within me. It pours forth from my soul and all my being overfull with love (and all the rest of the amazing properties that make up breastmilk!) to Holdyn's still tiny mouth, though not as tiny as her newborn babe, swollen lipped mouth. This milk is a gift, it is a blessing, it is a miracle of nature and I am so thankful for each night/morn/afternoon/eve that my sweet little Holdyn asks for "nurse nina".

Thank you Holdyn.....we shall nurse nina for as long as you wish.

birdie bunny photography.




i am building this photography business out of love.
it's all about my love for my birdie, and bunny.

tell your friends! birdie bunny photography is for hire!

and so I begin with a photo.


i LOVE this photo...that brilliant overflowing sunshine over Holdyn is just lovely.

Once again my absence upon this blog has stretched over many days. In my haste to begin anew with my photo business, and spending full love filled days with my sweet boy has left my brain a bit disheveled in the evening, leaving me with little energy to form coherent sentences.

However, this night, even though I am completely exhausted I realize that I have not been documenting the gifts of Holdyns days as a toddler. At 1 1/2 he has changed so much. He has been repeating the things that we say for about a month or so now, but has begun to string words together and speak in sentences.

Holdyn now not only toddles and walks...but runs. He jumps (a really adorable little hop).

Just the other day he asked me to give nursies to his bunny, and just today asked me to give nursies to his toy train conductor or "mister"....as he needed nursies for his ouchie after falling out of the train car. I knew that these days would come, but now what they are here...I don't know why I am surprised that Holdyn asks me to nurse his bunny or train conductor, of course he would, because even bunnies need some nursies from mama, and nursies on an ouchie make it feel better (and the antibodies can't hurt either!).

More to come...because I have to document/write out our trip to the ocean a few weeks ago!

The words have been coming to me slowly these days. My mind is full at the ending of each day, reviewing all the new words that have been spoken from the mouth of my babe as well as reliving all of the days adventures. Holdyn pretty much repeats anything we say at this point, and has his own way of pronouncing many words too which is uber cute.

Each morning this week he has been helping me work in our community garden plot, which has been really fun for both of us. The heat has been letting us know when it's time to go, it's been SO HOT here! I am not a fan of the summer because of the heat (I hope that someday we can transplant to the west coast or Europe). It's a serious bummer to be out in the dry scorching, nagging heat!

So, things here have been OK. My part time job working from home for a friend ended in April and since then I have been busting my arse to get my photo biz going. It's slow going getting clients, but I am hopeful to be blessed with some work soon.

It feels tough for me to say anything worthwhile here tonight. I feel this is just a short update. Perhaps soon I will feel more up to writing something more interesting.
How about some photos?

Charlotte.

We love you and miss you.

I know you and Birdie are a pair of starz twinking, glittering and shimmering in the night.

Happy Birthday baby girl.