I cannot believe this, did this woman actually write this to me?
Talk about guilty, this woman points at me point blank! Now I cannot help but feel the full responsibilty of Birdie's death. I did make the wrong choice. I killed my baby???????????????
UPDATE!
Holy snaps, I just cannot believe this woman, I have been thinking about what she said to me and about me and I just cannot believe her! How can anyone be so awful, absolutely raunchy to me especially after what has happened! She is such a TROLL (as some of you have stated!) What a perfect word/thing for her to be characterized as. Simply awful. I feel sorry for her, truely I do. I hope she can find some peace for herself someday. Thank you to all you lovely and supportive women/mamas out there in internet land. Your are so special, I hope maybe someday somehow we can all have a big tea party together!
Here is the comment that is bringing me to this dark place, it's totally unbelievable:
"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE.
She died because you chose to have her born in a way that maximized every possible risk--by having a home birth. You should feel guilty--you as well as killed her. So stop whining now. If you had been on intermittent fetal monitoring in a hospital, where a C/S was literally 5 minutes away, the drop in heart beat would have been discovered much sooner, and the delay in getting Birdie born much shorter and the possibility of a successful resuscitation much higher.
There are no "normal" births, full stop. There are births with complications and births without complications and it is impossible to predict before the birth which it will be. But to turn your back on modern science in order to have a romantic "birth experience" at the cost of your child is inexcusable. You are MUCH more than a "little" responsible.
I am a certified nurse midwife with 40 years experience. Home birth, except where there is FULL MEDICAL AND SURGICAL backup, as in the UK and Holland, where the Flying Squad comes to the home with the ability to do a C/S on the spot, within minutes of being called, IS DANGEROUS."
What the Fuck man! Ok, Antigonos then why then is it ok to make the choice to have homebirth at all in the US at all? Or, why doesn't the US have the same protocol for homebirth as the UK and Holland? Lets talk about this bullshit man.....why don't YOU HELP US MIDWIVES TO HAVE THE SAME THINGS THAT YOU DO? Why don't you fight for this? Yeah fight for it here in the US so you can stop blaming people like me! This is still so fresh and you are so horrible!
Here is her fucking email: sarahm@actcom.co.il
I cannot fucking believe this. What the FUCK!
35 comments:
I must say that I was totally blown away when I read that comment. Unfortunately, that is one of the problems with public blogs. That really sucks for the rest of us who are actually HUMANE, but for those sick people who feel it is ok to demoralize others becuase they can, it is very easy. I am so sorry that those words were put on this place, this public place for you to share your frusterations and get out your pain. I personally felt attacked like you must have. Hang in there!
she is a vindictive, angry woman and has left comments showing how sad she is with her own life before.
the fact that you were a target of her anger and pain is horrible.
Erin, please know her statements reflect more of who she is as a person, a human being (a person of faith?), and a healthcare worker than anything else.
Major projection is what it is. I'm sorry you were on the receiving end.
Erin, I wanted to add that Antigonos believes that only nurse-midwives are worthy of attending women. That somehow being a nurse first (to prescribe drugs? assist at surgery?) makes a midwife safer.
And she forgets that babies die in the hospital setting as well. Through errors that nurses, doctors and midwives make - through pure chance and unexpected catastrophe.
Don't allow her angry tirade against who she is as a healthcare worker (it's called "lateral violence") become your truth.
I found your blog via Sage Femme above, and I have to agree, this woman has left very vicious comments on many other blogs that I frequent.
I ditto everything Sage Femme says.
I am so sorry.
All of my love and light to you mama and know that I am lighting a candle tonight for your sweet Birdie and will hold you all in my thoughts and prayers.
~S
I am so very angry for you. I lost my son and he was born in a hospital. I am so sick and tired of horrible people posting nasty things on womens journals who had just lost a baby. That woman is a horrible monster. Please just ignore her. You did nothing wrong.
Good for you for standing up Erin!
Do not allow the words of one clearly disturbed individual give you even a moment of worry. Any human being that would think it is okay to say the things she did is not worth the time it has taken me to type these words. She is pathetic.
I also am SURE I recognize her from other places, and she is always inflammatory- hence, she's a troll.
I am so sorry you became a target. It makes me sick.
I am so sorry that a select individual is attacking you. But thank you for sharing so that we can see how mean and dim witted some people can be.
Where does this woman get off tell you that you made the wrong choice. Many people have great home birth experiences, and many people who deliver in a hospital have complications. This was NOT your fault in any way shape or form. And you should be free to share your feelings of hurt/anger etc. without being worried that someone will come back to you and tell you that you did something wrong. I will remind you that this is not your fault, and as frusterating as it is there is no real explaination for what happened to Birdie.
maybe this comment was left here for a reason to make you analyze and realize soon that this was NOT your fault...
people, go and flag her blog.
I agree with Lori-- she is not worth your trouble. She is a mean little troll.
I know that it's easier to say forget her than to actually do that, but I hope you can try.
That woman is no midwife! No midwife would ever tell a woman who is deeply, painfully, and openly mourning the loss of baby that she is "whining". Not to mention that a real midwife with 40 years of experience would certainly know that there is just as much risk, if not more, in having a hosptial birth as there is in having a home birth.
This is a person who just simply enjoys hurting other people and watching the aftermath. What a horrible, horrible woman who should be deeply ashamed of the pain she has caused you. Sick!
You did nothing wrong. You did everything right. Please believe in the rightness of your love for Birdie and the choices you made for her as her mother.
i can only imagine the things she must say to women laboring or pregnant. she must INSTILL FEAR in them, rather then helping them feel comfortable with themselves, and their surroundings. if i ever gave birth in a hospital, i'd pray to never have a woman like that to even be present at my birth.
and i can only imagine how she reacts once the baby is born. she probably takes control of the birth and takes the baby out of the room without the mother having a say so.
i read her blog and came across alot of contradictory articles that show me how truly idiotic this woman is.
This woman is just pure evil. Do not listen to one word she spews!!!! The universe knows that you would have done ANYTHING to save your precious daughter. Thinking of you tonight. I think I will light my dd candle & hold your daughter in my thoughts as well. Peace to you Erin.
Dear Erin,
My name is Raenne. I live in Canada. My friend recently found your blog, right after I lost my second baby to still birth. She has avoided telling me about you until tonight.
Tonight you need to know that there is nothing that could have saved your sweet beautiful Birdie. Oh my God was it hard to see someone else with such a beautiful child.... Neither of us did the "wrong thing".
We are the survivors, this woman is an abomination on the human race. Trust me. I was investigated over the circumstances of my second childs birth. I couldn't get midwifery care, despite it being free here. We are so short on them! I chose to have my babe un assisted. I trusted my body, I trusted myself. And still my babe died. I'm sure that if I had a blog, she'd blame me even more for this death.
First child a caesarean still birth
Second child still as well.
Don't let anyone tell you that it is your own fault.
DON'T LET THE BASTARDS WIN.
Thank you for sharing, and I'm sorry. So very sorry. It is people like that one who make me realize I do not want to journal this in an open area. I've come too far to let them rip me open again.
R
My heart goes out to you so much. That woman was wrong!!! A C/S wouldn't likely have made a difference. I haven't prayed in years, but I will pray for you tonight.
Erin, my heart goes out to you. The emotions you feel are so very real and NO ONE has a right to try and tell you how to feel or why to feel. And especially no one has a right to put blame you for the death of your sweet Birdie. Children have been born for centuries without the use of hospitals and intermittent fetal monitoring. And sometimes they die. More often they don't. But that does not make your desire to have Birdie brought into this world without hospitals and machines the cause of her death. Don't you believe it - not for a moment.
There are some ugly people in the world. I'm glad for you that you are surrounded by so many people who are not as ugly as this woman was to you.
Sagefemme posted about you, and I just came over to say, the readers who love you and grieve with you vastly outnumber sad souls such as this one.
If you can bear to read another woman's blog who's gone through what you have, http://babycatcher33.livejournal.com/
is nearing the first anniversary of her loss, and dealing with a new pregnancy too...with amazing strength. So many strong, brave mamas out there. To go through childbirth is to stand in a doorway between life and death, and not to know what may happen.
Oh no, Erin!
What an awful troll she is!
How DARE she.
You take care and ignore angry losers like her.
Erin
I am so angry on your behalf, what you are going through right now is so deeply tragic, how can anyone say such things to a grieving mother? It's unthinkable. Please know you are supported by so many and we know you took the best care of Birdie possible, this was just a tragic loss that cannot be explained. I'm so sorry the place you come to grieve and sort through your feelings of loss has been invaded by such meanness. I'm so sorry.
--Jen from Canada
Erin...That woman has some darkness where her heart is supposed to be. Don't let her lies become your truth.
Those of us who are holding you in our hearts will hold you a little tighter tonight. Peace and Love.
Erin I am so sorry for what the "thing" commented. It's one thing to have an opinion (wrong or right) but it's another thing to share it - and with a mother who has just suffered the worst kind of loss - the loss of a child.
I am sad to know that this thing is not only a woman but a Jew, and I am embarrassed on both accounts.
Please know that you only have good things in your future and your focus should be on using each day to remember Birdie and move forward in a way only you and Matt can. Don't pay any attention to negative energy - it's not worth it!
You are in my thoughts each night and woman to woman, mother to mother, I send you good energy and healing thoughts!
-Alison
Ugh. Deaths happen in hospitals, and deaths happen to healthy babies that were born in hospitals all the time. I know of one person who had an entirely elective (elective for the doctor, not for her. She wasn't given the option before it happened) injection into her perineum by a well-meaning doctor, and it went through the baby's soft spot. There are infections, etc. in hospitals.. Hospitals are NOT a safe place for most babies.
Home births are STILL safer for babies than hospital births, even in the US where support for the homebirth mom sucks.
God bless you. You are a caring and loving mother who did everything in your power to give your beautiful daughter the best care possible. My heart aches for you and your husband. You are in my prayers tonight.
Erin ... my sweet babe Emma was born in hospital .. fully monitered ... rushed to theatre for an emergency section and still did not make it.
This woman is talking out her arse ... what a bitch.
love & care
Denise
xx
Apparently this woman has power over life and death and seems to know for sure that Birdie would have been saved in one scenario or another. She could make a lot of money, since she can apparently tell the future. Change this parameter and that would have happened.
No-one can know what would have happened had you been in hospital.
Oh goodness, I just found this blog and was utterly and completely sickened by what this woman said. How dare she, really. What complete callousness and inhumanity to leave such a vindictive comment for someone suffering one of the worst things imaginable.
Your daughter is beautiful, and I think you are amazing.
The decision to have a home birth in the US is NOT MADE WITH THE APPROVAL OF ANY REPUTABLE MEDICAL AUTHORITY but by those women with anti-medical political agendas. OK, have a home birth--but know you are playing Russian Roulette with your life, and the life of your baby. You cannot be forced to give birth in a hospital; there are no laws mandating hospital birth, just as you can choose to drink bleach. In just about every state there are no laws about home schooling--but it doesn't mean your homeschooled child is educated.
You might be interested in today's blog entry in NHSBlogDoctor.
You want to talk about EVIL? Choosing a method of birth that puts a baby at undue risk is EVIL. You can flame me all you like--ANYONE WHO CHOOSES TO AVOID MEDICALLY ACCEPTABLE PRACTICES ON BEHALF OF A HELPLESS PERSON IS GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER.
Of course babies die in hospital! But not for "unknown" reasons.
As for my being a horrible midwife, who "instills fear" into her patients, well, the wall full of commendations from my mothers (some of whom are second generation patients now) belies that accusation. Also the fact that never once has a patient either sued me, or even complained about my care.
Thank you, Erin, for publicizing my email address. Another totally irresponsible act on your part.
holy cow batman...
Some people are just not human, especially another woman.
We are women, we help eachother, we help others children, it is a silent known fact between women, I have no children myself, but i am out on the bus, walking the street, i look out to see that they dont get close to the street, or if they are about to fall on the bus, whatever, everyone has a woman instinct..
I do not know what this woman has, and it is not the instinct.
I hope that she does not have any children to pass that awful trait along to.
Stay strong just as you are. Don't let one bad apple rethink anything you have ever done.
Ignore it, and keep in the positivity that is surrounded in your life.
Candice from Canada!
I am sick to my stomach reading this. Nothing makes me sadder than someone who deliberately hurts another. This "person" (and I use that term very loosely) exhibits the worst of humankind. She obviously needs to inflict hurt on other people in order to fill some void in her heart and soul. What I don't think she realizes is that this kind of lashing out...this kind of intentional cruelty...only makes that void grow larger.
Erin, I'm sorry you even had to see this kind of conversation. There will always be nasty accusations because there will always be nasty people. And there will always be people who can not comprehend that there simply are no answers for why this happened. As is human nature, they will seek to use the easiest answer...the most convenient reason. But you and I both know you were not to blame for Birdie's death. You and I both know that you would have done anything to save her...to have her there with you...alive. Anyone who doubts that has no humanity and isn't worth your time. Anyone who feels the need to believe in the easy answer doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity of a gnat...so give them all the time and attention they deserve...none.
Antigonos
dumbass, your email is in your profile!!!
Antigonos, why are you embarassed to have your email address made public? Aside from the fact that you already made it already public yourself, are you ashamed of your own comments?
I'm trying to understand your goal here. Is it
1. to hurt Erin even more and make yourself feel good and superior in the process?
2. to encourage women not to have home births in certain countries?
3. to disseminate false information?
If it's 1. then I'm afraid you need help. If it's 2. then this is not the right forum or the right wording. You have your own blog. Why don't you use that instead?
If it's 3 then I'm afraid the readers of Erin's blog will never believe you. Babies do die of unexplained reasons, in hospital. I'm surprised that with your supposed midwife / nurse background you don't know seem to know that. I feel so badly for your patients, to have someone forced upon them with no heart and no empathy.
I think your employer should be made aware of your comments as they are running the risk of you putting patients lives at risk with your God-complex.
Right. Babies die in hospitals from KNOWN circumstances... Like muckups that the doctors make because they're seeing too many patients. They also die all the time from unknown circumstances, though. Don't say that they do not.
My son was almost subject to MANY needless and dangerous procedures because the nurses were monitoring MY heartrate instead of his. By the time they figured it out they had already screamed DEAD BABY in my face and were ready to rush me for a c-section when someone was like "err.. wait a minute" and they put in an internal monitor... realized that there was no machine in the room that they could connect it to... and finally brought in an ultrasound machine to monitor him... 45 minutes after "dead baby" was yelled. Not even "baby in trouble", but "dead baby". (He was born with APGARs of 9/9.5 and a huge scab on his forehead from the internal monitor which had been useless. He was almost subject to all the drugs and dangers involved in a c-section because the monitors were not used properly. Because I didn't have one on one care the way I would have had with a midwife. Because the person delivering was not the person that had done my prenatal care- and didn't know I had an anterior placenta, and dropped the monitor down smack dab in the middle of the placenta. Even though I kept saying "My placenta is there, you can get better results on the other side."
Doctors make mistakes FREQUENTLY. More frequently than nature makes mistakes. More babies die in hospitals than homebirths.
People that choose homebirth do so because they know this.
Are you telling me that this country's super-high rate of c-sections are NECESSARY? And what about the country's super high rate of infant mortality?
The United States isn't a safe place for babies, period. We do not have the systems in place to ensure that birth is safe and optimal in ANY situation. Be it hospital or home.
And even if we did, deaths happen. Even if there's the perfect team, continuous monitoring, and fast response. Deaths happen.
Don't torture Erin over her decisions. She made the best decisions that she could make.
I just wanted to say that your baby is beautiful and I am disgusted that any WOMAN, let alone a midwife, could think, and say the things that have been said.
I am horrified to think that this person deals with vulnerable women.
I first learned of this comment last night and I have to say it has been on my mind all night - how could someone do this to you?
In the UK a flying squad comes to the home within minutes and does a CS on the spot? What rubbish. I've never heard such a thing!
The troll is talking nonsense.
http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/health_medical/article2510863.ece
Information about how the UK govt is moving to increase the no of homebirths.
BTW, there are NO flying squads and C/S carried out at home in the UK. What nonsense. We have a thing called ambulance transfer if necessary!
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