0v.ulation, Exhaustion and Distance From The Past

How do I think of these titles, I have no idea. I guess they stem from the feelings that I am having when I actually sit down to post to this blog.

DH and I have been having some really good days and nights together. We had a really long conversation last night. We talked over something that happened 3 months or so ago, something that hit me hard and has stuck with me. I can't seem to shake it, but I am doing my best to for him. I love my DH so much, and in the throws of romance....that deepest love has begun to make me cry...again like I did when we were first together. I just cannot put into words how special he is, everything about him, EVERYTHING!

So, you might be wondering about the "O" word in the title well my dear friends it seems that I might be 0v.ulating. Yes, I am 0v.ulating and I can feel that I am. This is new for me, I never was able to feel when I was actually "0"-ing before. Today is the first day that I am able to tell, and it is exciting and sad. Exiting for what could be...and sad because its just not the right time. I mean of course I am still obsessed with wanting to be preg0, but DH is being the strong one about it and not allowing that to happen. Geez, and I thought I would be the one to put the brakes on!

Anyways, so yeah that's going on...and I am feeling really really tired. I am tired out psychically and mentally. I met with a really good friend today, someone who I knew in high school and has come back into my life and I am so glad that she has. I mean, I would rather she hadn't under the circumstances of what we have in common, but she is and I am thankful for her. We shared a lot about each other stories, filling the blanks about family etc. It felt good to tell her the whole story of what happened with Birdie, as there were some pieces she did not know about. Like the 30 or so minutes that it took the surgeon to get to the hospital (its a community hosp. and the doc's are on call at night-not in house). Oh those 30+ minutes are painful to think about, that was just too much time...too much time for Birdie. Sometimes I wonder, if the doc had been in house, or if the policy was such that there was just always a doc in house! Maybe Birdie could have been saved. Then, again she wasn't and we will never know.

Anyways, it was good to talk with her. It's been a while since I have met up with a fellow mum like her. Something I need to do more often. I always leave my other mum friends feeling good, like such intense talking about our babies brings their spirits together with us. So, I got a lot out today and I am tired.

Today I have also been thinking about the time that has passed, 4 months 2 weeks and 3 days...I can't believe that. I can't believe how far from Birdie and her birth we are. Its all too surreal, I mean really.

I was happily pregnant for 9 months, really? Was I really? I went into labor? Really did I? Then the nightmare of Birdies heart rate dropping out of the blue (their were absolutely no signs to allude to anything wrong before then--that happened 24 hrs into labor), Then I moved into different positions, standing, lying on my side...then, we were rushing to the hospital...fumbling nurses...Oh there's Birdies heartbeat-I think...knee chest position...wheeled into 0R...get yourself onto the 0R table...lay on your back (bad idea--bad idea!)...supposedly have a seizure.......choking, flailing....anestesia....wake up....

the room is too quite, why is it so quiet?...and why do the nurse and the nurse midwife have tears in their eyes?

Why, what?

Oh no, something is so wrong...oh no...

I Turn to see DH and he says, "Birdie didn't make it"

WHAT?

Your LYING, YOUR LYING!

that room was so silent...so silent...so silent...SO FUCKING SILENT!

And then I saw her...for the very first time, the most beautiful, perfect little baby...the baby that we had created, and she had to fly away.

Oh how I long to hold her again...oh how I long to create another baby with DH...oh how I long to give birth again, to a living child...a sibling for Birdie, a very special, miracle baby sibling for her to wrap her spirit around and protect.

Birdie, we are thinking of you so often. You are growing more and more into our hearts and lives. We miss you fiercely, and love you just as fierce.