When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
9 comments:
It feels so, so dangerous, Erin. But what other choice do we have, really?
I'll be almost 17 weeks on what should have been Georgia's first birthday, March 1.
I just can't forget that she died in my womb - and so did the baby that should have been her little brother or sister.
I am thinking of you as your anniversary approaches. It was tough for us, and I am sure it will be tough for you too.
Nobody can tell you how it will feel. I thought I would feel very different from how I am actually feeling these days. But I think it's all ok-- however you move through it is all ok.
Once again I am so very sorry for your loss. I was talking to my sister just this morning about her daughter Tammy who died just short of a year old. I know this really isn't your subject but she was expressing how she could spend the rest of her life feeling guilty for her daughters heart defect or she could choose not to let it ruin the rest of her life. I never heard her say this one before but this one guy said to her it was her fault she died because she drank and smoked. At that time she acually didn't but she was in a bar with her husband who's mom owned it and she drank orange juice. The could of's and what if's and why's of this world are sometimes too hard to bear. Your Birdie is with her Tammy now and so many others and I can see it has to be the hardest thing. I think the point I was getting to is I remember her talking about when she got pregnant again. She was scared, I know she had some bad dreams. I don't say this to make you feel bad or worry more but I would think some of those things would be normal after all you have been through. On the bright side she had a healthy girl after all that worrying. So of course I am not in your shoes but when you are pregnant again I think it will be beautiful, may have some rough moments but overall I think it helps to heal to see happy things too again. No one will ever forget Birdie, your other child will not ever be forgotten because your life continues and has to continue. I know you wonder how it does sometimes. I certainly wish you healing and happiness and a wonderful and happy pregnancy when you are!!
uhm......does this mean?
I am hoping Birdie chooses a brother or sister to fill her shoes...
a physical reminder of someone so beautiful in body and spirit
For me, it was terrifying and tinged with sadness. But hope peeped through every now and then.
I cannot tell you how it will feel and I have birthed two live babies prior to birthing C@llum still. My best guess is that it will feel bittersweet. It will forever just feel bittersweet. Thinking of you as the one year mark approaches, Erin.
I wonder this often. How will it feel and how will I feel that it's not Jacob?
I hope that it feels like life can slowly start to begin again.
I don't know what it will feel like, but I know you will know how to make it through the next stage of this journey.
I love the way you write about her. Truly.
How will it feel? well for me it felt scary and terrifying right until the *VERY SINGLE MOMENT* my subsequent baby was handed to me *alive*. until that moment I was filled with dread and fear every week and day of her gestation. You'll do it and it'll be hard but you'll do it for your and Matt and Birdie's sake to bring a new life into your little family. I'm thinking of you in this hard ttc and 1st anniversary time. It's a tough load to bear.
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