I can't sleep.
It's nearly 12am and here I sit. Holdyn is asleep beside me after a long time of getting him to sleep. He is teething, and it seems to be effecting his going to sleep as easy as he had been. Even "wearing him down" to sleep takes some time. Alas, he sleeps.
So, my brain is fixated on the birth of a new baby, a baby born at home. A baby who safely made it's way into the world without the use of intervention, without the use of a sharp knife because it's life was in danger.
I am not going to hold back. I am jealous, and I am sad. I am trying very hard to just be happy that this baby lived, and happy that this family is not having to live in the dark shadows that we lived in (and that still linger, even though you can't tell by looking at me).
The truth is that I am terrified for any family that I may know, or hear of that is considering having their baby at home. How can I not be right? At the same time, it is not my place to say anything, but I can write about my terror here. I can pour it all out here onto this page for you to read all about how it feels to have your innocent little baby die, and specifically perhaps because of homebirth.
There is also something else that I hadn't really thought about too much because maybe I have tried to turn a blind eye is the way other new mothers see me. If they don't already know about my dead child and they find out are they then cautious of me? Does it make them uncomfortable every time I talk about my daughter and how she died (the circumstances that may very well caused her death?). Am I too bold to speak out against homebirth? Seriously, can you blame me? I don't give a fuck if I scare people with what I have to say about this. I am eternally pissed off that my child is dead perhaps because of this fucking decision that I made. I know that I have gone off here about this before, oh well, I don't fucking care! Here it is again, the shit that is the baggage that I will carry with me until my time comes.
Here is what homebirth looks like to me:
Homebirth = Emergency C-section = Dead baby.
OR
Homebirth = Death.
Perhaps some might think me crazy, you know, I'm that woman who's baby died. Who still talks about her dead baby all the time, and it's weird.
Maybe I am a little crazy, but who wouldn't be after having their baby die? Just because more than 2 years has gone by doesn't mean that I am healed of her death. It doesn't mean that I stop thinking about her and what happened, no, the pain is less but I carry it with me ALWAYS. The pain is ALWAYS there, it lingers and hovers over me and continues to entangle itself around my heart.
I am forever mama of a dead baby, a babylost mama.
Yes, I am that mother, the one who thought she made a wholesome "choice"...and now I am the women who every time I hear of a "successful" birth at home I feel as though I have been slapped in the face. I can't help this, it is just how I am reacting. It's just hard to hear the news, it makes me feel a lot like "I am the only one" who's birth ended in tragedy. It's defeating and it hurts. The jealously mixes with anger and I feel like I could explode.
Still I am thankful for those who "succeed" and have a living child. I think they are the lucky ones, and I only hope that they realize really and truly how lucky they are, and how easily it could all be so very different.
9 comments:
Two and a bit years is nothing, Erin. And what would I know, I've only been doing this shit for 10 months. But as far as I see it, this is a life sentence, we will mourn them for the rest of our days and beyond.
I get jealous of all babies I hear born alive. Happy for the families of course, but just more sad for me.
If you were not jealous I would think there was something wrong with you.
If you forgot about, got over, stopped grieving Birdie I'd also think there was something wrong with you. You wear it more openly than many, but I doubt there is a babylost mother alive who doesn't feel it for the rest of her life.
Your feelings are understandable, but I do hope that your rage at mothers who choose homebirth fades with time. I had my baby at home and I will make the same choice with my next baby. I understand the risks that are involved in ALL births and I have the right to make my own decision. I refuse to be judged by the many who think they have a place to do so. The fact remains that it is extremely rare for a baby to die during birth and statistically speaking, the rates of home vs. hospital are about the same. What happened to your first child is devastating, heartbreaking, and rare. I will certainly pray that the ache inside you heals as your beautiful boy grows up. Also, I hope you can someday forgive yourself.
Yes, it is absolutely OK for you to feel angry and jealous and to feel terrified for anyone considering a homebirth. I can't imagine how you could possibly feel otherwise.
And, Yes, we do know how lucky we are, and are amazed at the miracle that is our baby born alive. I haven't written about it much on my blog, but after planning a homebirth and ending up with a scheduled c-section at the end of my first pregnancy (due to breech twins), we planned a homebirth vbac for our second pregnancy. At about 28 weeks, I changed my mind and decided that I wanted a hospital birth. We lived really far away from the hospital at the time, and I was worried that I would bleed out and that we wouldn't have time to get to the hospital. And then, as we got closer to my due date, I suddenly started to feel like my baby was going to die if I didn't have a c-section. It was so hard to know if it was my instincts or just paranoia and irrational fear. I cried for days and days, and couldn't eat, and felt like I was going crazy. I was so sure that my baby was going to die at any minute. Finally, I begged for a c-section (this, after YEARS of dreaming about my homebirth, and being a firm believer in natural birth), and had one the day after our third baby's due date. And he lived. And it felt like a miracle then too. And I'll never know what would have happened if I'd trusted my body more and waited for labor to start and tried for my vbac. But I don't really have any regrets. Because my baby lived. I ended up spending much of the first month with him in hospitals (eventually ending up at Children's hospital in Boston) because he was breathing way too fast (120 breaths per minute). It was incredibly stressful and I still worried that he was going to die for several weeks. I worried that his breathing problem began because of the c-section, and I worried that I had messed with his fate (to be stillborn), and that he was still going to die anyway, just after the birth. It wasn't until he was a few months old that I finally began to relax and really let myself enjoy him (and he finally started breathing slower).
So, when my wife got pregnant and said that she wanted a homebirth, it was hard for me on some levels. On some levels, it was the easy, obvious choice, because I DO still believe in birth, even if I can't seem to trust my body about it. But it was also terrifying. Up until the moment our baby came out, breathing, and vibrant and living, I worried that he wouldn't make it. The labor moved so quickly that even if we had been planning a hospital birth, we likely would have ended up with a homebirth . . . or a car birth (the midwife only just made it to the house before our baby was born . . . we thought we still had hours to go). But I never once took his life for granted.
And now, as I watch my wife live out my lifelong fantasy, even I feel a little jealous, and I've never experienced a homebirth loss. That she could trust her body and that her body could work, and that she could end up with such a dreamy birth experience and a healthy baby. And that she's laying around in bed with this perfect baby who's not breathing fast and who was born at home after a perfect labor.
Of course you can't support anyone's choice to have a homebirth. That would go against everything you experienced in Birdie's birth. Babies are born safely at home every day. And babies are born dead every day. All that anyone can do is hope that they are one of the lucky ones whose baby lives.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that even though we chose to have a homebirth this time around, that it wasn't a choice we made lightly. That we knew the risks. And we knew the benefits. And I honestly felt like the outcome of the birth was out of our control, and all I could do was hope that everything would be OK.
I'm sorry if our baby's birth is what has been this recent trigger for you. Sending much love your way . . .
Dearest Lex,
Thank you. You are right on all fronts. I want so desperately to not feel the terror that I feel about homebirth, what happened to us and to Birdie was a nightmare...it still is.
I was so scared for the baby, Lena and you. I had been having nightmares about the outcome. Dreams about you and Birdie and Holdyn, and your new baby...I can't remember the details anymore at this point, but I remember feeling terrified.
When I was pregnant with Birdie, I trusted with my WHOLE heart that my body knew just what to do, that I could give birth naturally and safely. I had a perfect, perfect pregnancy. Never a hint of anything the matter. As you know, my labor at home had also been perfect, until suddenly, very suddenly it was not.
It is that that scares me for anyone else who is considering birth at home, that "all of a sudden" that becomes VERY dangerous for the baby (and sometimes mama) so very fast.
I want to cry when I think about Lena's giving birth...to a living breathing child, in your beautiful love filled home.
What she was able to do was my greatest wish. I too wanted to just snuggle in with my freshly born babe, stay in bed for days and days. Let everyone else take care of me as me and Matt would soak in the beauty of what had transpired.
We became lost instead. Lost in grief and anguish...and I want to forgive myself, I want to say that we really knew the risks, and that they were talked about very seriously with our care providers. In hindsight, I don't believe the risks were given enough weight at all, they were almost dismissed.
We were enraptured by the "babies are born at home everyday" mantra.
We were sadly mistaken.
Anyways, I am thankful for your words. It is just so damn hard for me to know of an impending homebirth. My cousin recently had a homebirth, and they didn't tell anyone in my immediate family. This is a cousin who was devastated by what happened to Birdie. I can't help but feel floored, jealous and angry about her homebirth.
Now I am rambling. =)
My thoughts are with you all tonight. Sending love back at ya'll. Please give your miracle baby a kiss from me...
Perhaps Birdie was his guardian for a quick, safe journey...
xo-erin
Delurking ...
It's only logical that perception of luck and statistics forever change when you are on the unlucky side of the stats. Of course homebirth = deadbaby to you. As I always say, memory trumps the odds. Always.
What you feel about homebirth is very similar to what I feel about testing in pregnancy. When anyone says they look forward to "finding out the sex of the baby" in a scan, I flash back to the ultrasound that turned up signs of my daughter's fatal genetic problem, and I can barely grit my teeth to smile as I earnestly wish them LOTS AND LOTS of good luck in the scan. Usually they have no idea at all what I might be referring to -- lucky ducks that they are.
I guess each of us in babylostland has our own issue that reminds us of the terifying randomness. What it is just depends on our situation.
I don't think you're wrong to feel that way. I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I appreciate your honesty in the comments you left on my blog months ago regarding home birthing.
You've lived, you've learned, and now you've got to share it.
Dear Erin, You are looking out for the ones that may have the same results as you, losing Birdie. Yes, many homebirths are fine, but the sad thing is there are enough that are not and many of those deaths could have been prevented in a hospital. You have every right to look our for those dear babies. I know everyone makes their own choice but your information about Birdie makes it much more educated. It's not always the pretty picture that is painted for parents. I know some parents know the possible outcome also but most stand ignorant about home birthing and even if one baby is saved because of you think of what that means. Bless you Erin, I know you will always grieve, how can't you but I pray for healing also. You and many other parents did what you thought was truly best for you baby, I know you did. You love your babies dearly and you wouldn't have thought about anything else but the best. Take care....
ERin, I love your honesty. You are a talented writer. Keep up the good work. You have every right to feel just as you do.
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