It is very hard for me to not speak my mind when it comes to most things. Ever since I met I.na M.ay at the conference in May, and heard her speak about you know what I have been feeling a sense of anger, but also jealousy.
I cannot deny that every time I hear of a "successful" homebirth that I piece of me feels jealous, and also a little hurt.
If only I could just be OK, with the fact that just because the world stopped for us when our "homebirth" ended in tradgedy, that for many others the world has gone on and so many other babies are not dying as a result of a choice.
It's just not that simple for me. Still, I sit here, feeling jealous, envious and my heart hurting for those that I know who have had the luck to succeed in the births of their children at home.
Am I being hypocritical? I don't think so...but so much was stolen from me because of what happened to Birdie.
Not only did I lose my child, I lost my innocence, I lost who I used to be, I lost my ability to trust my body (for a time), I lost my heart, I lost my soul.
I feel heavy today, heavy with loss, heavy with sadness and although I DO NOT regret the manner in which my beautiful miracle baby was born...I do feel a little sad that I will never know what it is to push a baby out of my body.
I am sad, I am angry and I am MAD AS HELL that my baby girl is not here.
Then there is he, who is asleep beside me, quietly breathing...in and out...in and out. His heart beats, his chest rises and falls, he is here, he is alive.
3 comments:
I'm jealous every time I hear of any baby being born alive. At home or in hospital. I don't know when that will ever end. Anyone who gets to keep their baby, take them home and raise them. The whole concept is so foreign to me when for me, my 40+ weeks ended in absolute tragedy, shock and heart break.
But I look to people like you Erin, and I see we can go on and we can survive. So for that I thank you. The jealousy I have does not extend to babyloss mamas, because I know how much their hearts hurt.
But I know every minute of every day, we will both miss our first born little girls, no matter who comes along after them.
Erin you have every right to feel the way you do. You did go through hell and I am very sorry you did, honestly, I feel for you terribly. When babies die for any reason it's soooo SAD, there are no words for it, no true way to express that kind of saddness. The hard part to understand is yes, if everything always went well with home births that would be great. But you know more than most that our bodies are human and they do fail us, NOT because of anything you have done. Today my niece had a baby, had she had a home birth I truly believe her baby would not have made it. I don't say that to make you sad just to say that there are truly many that this happens to. You are always in my prayers for healing, not forgetting.... I am so glad for your little miracle also. He makes me smile....;) But your feelings for Birdie do not go away as they shouldn't, she will always be your daughter. I don't know if I'm being too nosey but I think you said you may never push a baby out?? I don't know if you plan on more children but if you do will they not let you do a VBAC? I know you ended up with a C/S with Holdyn. I had 3 C/S and while I always wondered what it would be like to give birth naturally I am fine with the fact I had them by C/S. Hugs, big hugs to you.....
I'm so sorry. Though I can't relate to having lost a baby, I did have a home-turned-hospital birth and I always feel a little hurt and jealous when I hear of successful home births. I think it makes me question why I wasn't able to do it. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do that would have made me successful? What was my body's or mind's weakness? I feel weak. I sometimes think about the fact that before cesarean was around, I could have died during childbirth, or my baby could have. I hate thinking I'm "weak" like that, facing my own mortality. But anyway, modern medicine is all about making our lives better, preserving life and quality of life. I don't think we should be ashamed of taking advantage of modern medicine, or feel inferior to those who have successfully eschewed it.
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