My recovering body & mind
Last monday I started my period, and oh boy has is gotten heavy & clotty (not too clotty though). I started to get a little concerned over the weekend about it (carrying on for so long,& the heaviness of it etc.) so I emailed one of our many midwives (2 homebirth midwives, 6 nurse midwives). She reassured me that everything sounded completely normal, but to keep her up to date about the bleeding. Then last night still having bleeding and it seeming a bit heavier, I got a little bit concerned again. So, this morning I called the midwives and I was again told this was totally normal, that it sounded good and I might have my period for a few weeks. I was relieved, nobody told me what to expect (about this) afterwards...and I was thinking that I would be one of the women whose cycle doesn't come back a month or so after delivering. I feel really about having my cycle starting this soon (5 weeks) after my emergency c-section. This means my uterus is being cleansed and my reproductive system can start a new. Now I have to take really good care of myself, eat healthy, exercise, spend as much time with my husband as I can, smile, laugh, eventually enjoy the spring weather & think good thoughts about Birdie and what she brought to my life, and all that I brought and gave to hers.

Something about my breakdown last week that I hadn't thought of or made any connection was that it happened while my period was getting going...so on top of my crazy nerves the hormones of having my period did not help matters. I think that the homeopathics I am taking are helping, at least they seem to be. I was able to start working last monday (I am lucky to be able to work from home). While it was a little hard to concentrate, I managed to get many things accomplished. I was able to zone out a little when I was working and just think about the task at hand.

I have been looking at a photo of myself when I was 1 years old, and the many many photos of Birdie that we have (we are so lucky to have them). There are a couple in particular that I wanted to share, to show you how much Birdie looks like me when I was a baby. At least I think that she does, and this is so amazing to me. I am adopted, and so I have nobody close to me that looks like me. So here are some photos, I have solo one's of Birdie and of me, and one that I put our photos together side by side. What do you think, do you see my features on Birdie's face? There are also some goofy photos of Matty and Macy dancing from this past weekend. Somehow through all our pain we are able to find our senses of humor again. Matt has always been amazingly thoughtful and caring to me, especially after I became pregnant...and not even more so. He is being such a great source of true love, support and understanding in my grieving, and I am trying to be that for him as well. He is my best friend and companion, losing Birdie has brought us even more close. However, even through his hurting, his deep pain he still somehow finds the means to want to make me smile & laugh...when you see the photos below you will see what I mean. My husband is a total goober, and I love him for it. I am so much more than lucky to have him in my life.

Photos of Birdie & Me:






And now...the goofy photos:

Yesterday was so intense...no everyday is!

I appologize if I scared some of you, family, friends, midwives and strangers. Yesterday was just so absolutely horrible, and I felt like I was losing my mind.

Today is no so bad, I still have some self guilt lingering I have to admit. I do know that really, ultimately what happened to Birdie was not my fault. The hard thing is feeling that as her mother I should have somehow had the magical mama powers to keep her alive, to convince her to fight to stay alive just for a few more minutes! I cannot help but replay how things took such a dramatic turn for the horrific! I have to do this, this is part of my grieving and I know that is all it is. Matt and I had a very long and tearfull talk last night after he read what I had wrote, he had not seen what I wrote and I felt really bad about that. We are totally open and honest about everything but I just didn't want to scare him with my deepest and scary emotions. Though I know that he does not get scared about anything that has to do with me, he is amazing and accepting of everything. Anyways, he let me blurt out all the shit I had to get out to cry hysterically into his neck and snot all over my hand.

Like I said today is better, just a wee bit. I went to whole foods and picked up a few homeopathic stress remedies, I could ask one of our midwives for something stronger, but I am terrified of drugs and I don't want to become addicted. I don't have that kind of personality anyways, but I want to avoid them anyways. I am on a special fertility diet to heal and keep my girls ready for when we try again (not for at least 9 months), so those crazy girl pills are out of the question.

I can't believe I am writing about that! Dammit! I should not have to be writing or even thinking about having another baby...we should have our Birdie!

Ok, thats enough I should take a breather here.

By the way, thank you EVERYONE for your very gentle and comforting words.

I love you all, even though I don't know some of you.

Birdie, I am sorry


My sweet little Birdie, I am so sorry that you are dead. It's so hard for Mama to not blame herself for what happened to you. I feel betrayed by my body...I feel like I betrayed you and I couldn't save you.

Today we had a meeting with the doctor/surgeon who performed the emergency c-section to try to save your life, as well as with the midwife who comforted mama before the surgery stared. It really seems from all the questions and discussion we had that I was in labor with you for too long honey. My labor with you was just too much, and I am so sorry Birdie. I feel so selfish for making the decision to even try a home birth for you, we thought that it was the best most healthy and safe place for you to be born. I feel so bad that we didn't continue to see our other/backup midwives as well.

I just feel so selfish and so horrible. Birdie I AM SO SORRY. Mama never meant for anything bad to happen to you, you are my precious little girl and I love you so much. I just cannot shake the feeling that I was absolutely selfish for ever considering home birth for you. There were never any signs that this was a bad decision because I was so healthy, and so were you. It was so hard to not think that everything would be fine, babies are born everyday and they are fine...babies are born at home everyday and they are fine! I am just so sorry Birdie, you were such a healthy big baby and I feel at fault for your death, you should be here with us safe and warm in our arms.

I love you so much Birdie. I love you SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Things should not be the way they are now, Mama & Papa should not be missing you this way, and we should not be in so much pain. I don't cry for me or feel sad for me, Birdie I feel cry for you and that this could have been prevented with the care of our backup midwives. Its so hard to think that maybe with stress tests maybe you would have lived. I just cannot help but think this right now. People can tell me that it's not my fault, but it really does look like it is. So now all Mama can do is think of you, look at your pictures, your ashed in your urn and my scar where you passed through my body and into my heart forever. I want to look at your beautiful baby body squirming around in your co-sleeper, on my chest and in Papa's arms!

I promise Birdie that some day we will make a baby sister or brother for you, and I promise to raise that sister or brother to love you and know all about you. Mama and Papa are going to take some time before we make another baby, Mama needs to heal her bodily scars and her emotional one's a bit. Birdie, we will honor you with a baby sister or brother, we not ever forget you....you are so very special and so very loved by many.

ALL MY LOVE TO YOU BIRDIE,

LOVE MAMA

Thinking so much about our Birdie
These photos reflect the mood I am in right now so well.



I simply cannot believe that our baby is dead. I cannot believe that I am living right now without my baby in my arms. How and why did this happen to us? We are good people, we love each other so much and our families. I know that there is not really any point to keep asking why but I have received no information from the universe or any living person, and Birdie has not come to me in my dreams and shown me anything to give me any peace. How can I trust that my baby girl is really ok where she is? I am trying to hold up really I am, but I keep falling down. I don't believe in god, and if I did how could I continue to after this? I cannot believe that any god would cause so much grief, sadness, hurting & pain. Why would any god separate a baby from its parents? Nobody can give me any good enough answer to this ever. FUCK! And FUCK THERE BEING NO GOOD REASON FOR THIS! I just want to have Birdie here with us. I should not be a part of this stupid stillbirth loss club (I mean no disrespect) that I am a part of now. This never should have happened! I did nothing but take the best care of myself and my baby my whole pregnancy. I ate & drank only organic food, I drank more water than I needed to, I took my prenatal vitamins before I knew I was pregnant, I went swimming with her in my tummy. So why the fuck did this happen? WHY? There were never any signs that anything was wrong my whole pregnancy. Dammit I just want to make some sense of this somehow.

Sometimes I feel like I never even gave birth to a baby, I gave birth to a ghost. This is just all so surreal that it really feels like Birdie never was ever really here, even though I know she was (and is). When I got to hold her she felt so present with me, so much so that I thought she would open her eyes. She looked like she would open her eyes and start to cry because she was so scared what had happened. I wanted so badly for her to cry and gasp for air. I would give anything to go back in time for that to happen. I am so grateful for being pregnant with her, for knowing her through feeling her moving and kicking and sleeping. I never once took any part of my pregnancy with her for granted and I am so glad for that. I was nothing but happy the whole time, I was so blessed to have her growing inside of me. Being adopted, I never really had anything that was any resemblance of myself. I knew nobody that looked like me, or had my mannerisms etc. I was so excited to finally have that. To have been a part of creating something from myself that would resemble me and maybe have some of my mannerisms and some of my personality. To have all of this taken away for no reason is so hard because she looks like me when I was a baby and a toddler. I have a photo of my grandfather and I when I was a year old, and when if you hold that photo next to hers she looks just like me. I had red hair when I was born, and so does she...so does she.

Oh Birdie, Mama misses you so much....SO MUCH honey. I just cannot handle that you are physically gone. I know you are here with us, I do but I miss your body, your skin and your sweet baby smell. Mama and Papa both miss you baby girl, and I'm sorry for crying so much but sometimes when I think really hard about you and all the things I wanted for you I get really sad. Birdie I really hope that wherever you are that you feel all this love that we have for you, its seems like you must because its bursting out of our hearts. I will try to wait patiently to see you in my dreams my love, but Mama really needs to know you are ok now. I need to know you didn't suffer when you heart was slowing down, please sweetie please show me you are ok.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!

THE PHYSICAL SCAR I CANNOT HIDE!
Yesterday we went out to get me some new pants. I am sick of wearing the maternity pants that I had been wearing just about everyday when I was pregnant, and since I have again been able to wear pants. I mean not that I am sick of them, they are nice reminders of being pregnant with Birdie, but I just needed a change. Well, shopping was so depressing, SO DEPRESSING! It felt horrible in so many ways. I couldn't fit into anything. Pants, shirts and skirts...everything looked horrific to me! I still have a lot of my extra pregnancy weight (and a belly that makes me look pregnant, I am afraid of someone asking how far along I am!)because I have to wait to go back to the gym. I don't have a baby to nurse to help me loose my weight either! DAMMIT! Shopping reminded me of this...and it also made me remember how small I was when I got pregnant (110-115 lbs). I am a petite person so I look a little overweight. Atleast I think I do, my very sweet husband does not; he always says he loves my figure no matter what. Well despite all this, shopping sucked. I wanted to fit into all the cute little clothes I used to like shopping for, but I had to settle for sweat pant like pants because NOTHING FITS ME RIGHT! Then on top of all this my belly is sticking out, and I look like I am 20 weeks pregnant! See for yourself below. Photo on the left is me at 20 weeks, on the right I am 1 month 1 day after c-section.











Today is a really shitty day, its raining and gray outside...I cried my eyes out for a bit while our sweet boxer girl Macy tried to kiss my tears away, and Matt is teaching this afternoon. I am missing Birdie SO MUCH! Some days it's not so bad and we get through it without crying, but not today I'm afraid, not today. Also, I want to share with you all photos of my c-section scar...it might be hard for some of you to see, I understand. But I feel I need to share this, after all it is where our Birdie was born from, it is a hard scar for a woman to have but it is also a reminder of the birth of our babies and so it somehow transforms and becomes beautiful. It is still very hard for me to look in the mirror and see my scar, its still so recent. At the same time when I run my fingers over it I am connected to Birdie. Oh, my darling Birdie I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! SO MUCH!

In Memory & Celebration of Birdie
On Saturday we went to Boston to see Amiina in concert at the MFA-Boston. It was so amazing, beautiful, spiritual, enlightening and inspiring. The music of Amiina is so ethereal and innocently beautiful. Beautiful, just like our little Birdie.

For Birdie's wake we had made a cd of music to have playing in the background, there were many Amiina songs that were on the cd. So, now any music written and played by Amiina is like the soundtrack of Birdie's short time with us. I found out about Amiina by chance when I was around 5 or 6 months pregnant with Birdie, I was immediately struck by the beauty of their music, so quiet, so moving...it was perfect to play for Birdie in my womb. I purchased their LP and I would play it for Birdie all the time. I think she was probably sleeping in my belly when I would play Amiina's music for her, because she was always quiet when I did play it...I hope she was dreaming the loveliest of dreams. So, for Birdie's one month we honored her by taking a little bit of her with us to see Amiina in concert(I have a beautiful charm with some of her ashes within it-it hangs on my neck, close to my heart), and her froggy(which I held the whole time), and a small photo album of her to the concert. It was a very lovely time, it was hard not to be moved to tears...all we could think of the whole time was Birdie. If Birdie were music, this is the music she would be...no, she is this music...every note, every passage and every crescendo is Birdie.

Here are some photos of our mantle that has Birdies urn, photos and candles for her, it is in a prime location in our apartment so we walk by and stop and visit with her many times a day. Then at night she gets put to sleep in her co-sleeper in our room. It is where she would have slept every night...right next to our bed, though probably in between us in our bed too. I hope that you will take a moment to go to the
On Saturday we went to Boston to see Amiina website to take a listen to their music...you will then hear how beautiful their music is for yourself and know why it is so important to us as a reminder of our little baby girl Birdie.

Happy One Month to my Darling Birdie

Birdie my sweet baby girl. Today would be your one month birthday. I cannot believe that you have been gone 4 weeks now, but you have. I wonder what we would be doing together if you were here? Would you be sleeping in my arms, or Papa's? Would you be laying in bed with me and nursing? Or maybe we would be sitting outside together watching the birds in the yard? These are some of the things that I had hoped for for us, and they can never come to be. My sweet baby girl I hope that you are happy wherever you have gone. I can't help but think that maybe you will be reborn as a Buddha, a beautiful sentient Buddha sitting on the most beautiful lotus flower in a most beautiful and magical place. I am still crying for you Birdie, as I write this I am crying for you. Your so missed my love, even though we can feel you with us always.
But sometimes looking at all the pictures of you make it so hard not to cry. You are such a beautiful baby...our beautiful baby. I am overwhelmed by your beauty, and that me and Papa could create such beauty. How can I not cry for such a thing. They are tears of sadness but also happiness for your pureness. I love you so much Birdie, I hope that you can feel it! I love you and I am always thinking of you.

Love, Mama

For the Love of Birdie


Sweetest little Birdie, I am thinking of you every moment of every day. This past Saturday at 3:34am you would have been 3 weeks old. I can't imagine how big you would have grown already, being that you were 9 lbs 5 oz when you were born. What a big girl! My love, I have been thinking so much about everything that happened and I just wish that there was something I could have known to do to prevent you from not being here. I miss you SO much my darling, no WE MISS YOU SO MUCH! We will never stop thinking of you and how beautiful you were (and still are!). Oh Birdie I am so sorry you are not here and alive and cooing like a sweet little baby should. Its all so shocking all over again when I stop and everything here is quiet....I relive everything that happened. I promise to do all that I can to advocate for Stillbirth Research....momma doesn't want anyone else to have to go through what you have gone through. Birdie, it has been raining here for the past few days, and I cannot help but thinking that the rain is your tears. That you are cring because you miss us. We are so sorry you are not here with us Birdie, we love you so much. I hope that you can feel our love for you...it will never fade, EVER.

I have been reading a lot about other parents experiences with stillbirth, in books and on the internet. Yesterday I somehow found an amazing article that I highly reccomend you all read, even if you have not experienced a stillbirth. This article is written by Suzanne Pullen, a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle. Her firstborn child was stillborn, her subsequent child was born healthy and alive! This is one amazing woman, I hope you will read her story. Also, please be sure to pass on her article to others...we need to work together to raise awareness about Stillbirth and how important that in depth research needs to be done!

Stillbirth Articles by Suzanne Pullen:
Article 1
Article 2
Article 3

Stillbirth Resources:
BABY LOSS DIRECTORY
THE NATIONAL STILLBIRTH SOCIETY
THE MISSING ANGEL FOUNDATION
THE PREGNANCY INSTITUTE
PROTECT YOUR PREGNANCY

I hope that this information, these links will help some of you out there who are seeking out as much info about Stillbirth as I am. I find that I cannot spend enough time reading books and being on the computer searching and searching. I know that there will never be a definative answer for what happened to our Birdie, but if I can educate myseld about this and possible do something to help other families before this happens to them then that is what I will do. Nobody should EVER have to deal with this kind of tradgedy in thier lives, NOBODY!

I also want to again thank the so many of you out there who have written us...you are all so special. Thank you so much!

Lastly...if there are any of you in the Northeast side of the country who are interested in getting together to talk, go for walks, get coffee whatever let me know. I would like to try and set something up for moms who have experienced Stillbirth, and I am also looking for women who are road bikers/and or racers who would be interested in a road race to raise money for one of the above causes that I have listed. Oh, and also....in the next year Matt and I will begin working on a film to raise awareness about Stillbirth. We would love to hear from folks who might be interested in sharing thier story.

Thank you all for reading Birdie's blog, you are all helping to keep her precious memory alive!
All our love, Erin & Matt

THIS IS NOT GETTING ANY EASIER!



How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know. I do hope people have not forgotten about our baby blog...the comments have been so kind and supportive, and that is helpful for us. To have so many complete strangers send us their love and support, its just amazing. Thank you again for sending us your love and support. I am feeling physically better from the emergency C-Section. It's so hard to look at the scar, I cry when I see the scar, all I can think is that is where my darling baby Birdie was born from! For her to be born like that was the furthest from what I had wanted for her! We wanted to have her born at home, with no medical intervention whatsoever! That is not what happened, and I would be lying if I did not tell you I am outraged a bit that that is not what came to be. My little baby is not here with me right now, she was not born from me vaginally and it hurts SO F-ING MUCH! My heart is shattered, I am in pieces...and I am hurt. I have never felt such hurting before, its a hurting that does not seem to subside. Our grieving is so hard to take, SO HARD!

Yesterday I received a lovely letter from a dear friend who lost a baby in the past year to miscarriage. She lost her baby in the 2nd trimester. In her letter she told me her family is befriended to His Holiness The Dalai Lama. After the loss of her baby, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to someone who loses a child. His response was: "Beings are only in this world to work out their Karma."
This is a very simple, yet elegant view I believe. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I am holding onto this, and it helps.

There was a moment when we were still in the hospital and had Birdie, that I kind of thought something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. We had her, and I felt her move inside me....she was (still is) our baby, alive with life and energy and movement! She had 9 months with us, and we has 9 months with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out. I am not a religious person, though I am spiritual in my own way, as it Matt, and I did read a lot of about Buddhism for a time. I do agree and believe in the Buddhist way...it is very simple & beautiful way to believe in. I found reading about Buddhism helped me to work through my troubles when I was hurting emotionally years ago. Perhaps I should pick these books up again. Now I am rambling on.

All in all, Birdie had life inside my womb. I know she was a happy baby and I know she felt and can still feel the tremendous love we have for her. She is such a special child...our sweet little Birdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.

Birdie we love you enormously,

Love, Mama & Papa

THANK YOU to all of you who have been posting comments about the death of our sweet little Birdie. We don't know many of you personally, but that does not lessen the true sorrow, caring and support that you have extended to us.

Thank you so much, with lots of love. Erin & Matt

I don't even know where to start to tell you all how this all came to be. We had a beautiful 24 hours of labor at home (there are photos below that my husband took), Birdie's heartbeat was strong throughout the whole 24 hours, our midwives would check her heartrate every 15-20 mins. It was at around 2:30 am I think that they checked her heart rate and it had gone down to around 80 beats per minute...this was obviously dangerous. So Tanya, one of our midwives called the backup hospital/midwives/birthcenter to let them know that we were being transported (we live 3 mins from the hospital).
Matt quickly helped me get dressed and we left with haste, though it was very cold and icy on the roads. When we were let into the hospital side entrance we headed quickly for the Birth Center, the nurses were waiting for us. They showed us to our room, began to strap a Fetal Heart Monitor to by belly, then began to listen for Birdies heart, they turned me on both sides to see if her heart rate would increase, it didn't. They then gave me an IV and oxygen. They were preparing my for an emergency C-Section. I could not believe all that was happening, it was certainly a bad dream. All the while I felt like I was
still somehow able to keep calm, breathing slowly for my little baby girl....trying to help her stay with me, with us. I was quickly wheeled into the OR (and Matt could not come in with me) and I had to then get onto the operating table, a small
skinny hard surface. Next I was prepped for anastesia, shortly after....I began to choke and could not breathe, I was looking up and I could see everything going white...still choking and trying to reach my neck to tell everyone I could not breathe.
I was terrified and I thought I was dying.....though I could hear everything around me, people yelling my name...finally I started to breathe, as I was being bagged...air rushed to me. From what I have been told I was immediately given anastesia and the surgoen began the C Section, it was 3 minutes of surgery and Birdie was born at 3:34 am on Saturday March 3rd. When I woke up, I saw and heard the nurse and one of our backup midwives crying, and I felt something was terribly wrong. Then I saw my husband Matt, he said "Birdie didn't make it", I did not believe him. I wanted to scream! I felt such immediate absolute love for my baby girl and yet such deep hurting, it ached and still aches in my bones. My body felt and immediate longing for my darling little baby, my daughter Birdie. The midwife them quickly went to another room to get Birdie and bring her to us. She was amazingly and stunningly beautiful. She is amazingly and stunningly beautiful....somehow as the 3 days we got to spend with her came and went it was (and still is) her presence and radiant loveliness that has made her death maybe not as hard to bare. Her father say's she was and is too beautiful for this world. There is more to our story, but I just can't write any more right now.

Here are some lovely photos of my 24 labor at home, and Birdie with her Papa.....

Our beautiful baby Birdie.

Our Birdie, our sweet little Birdie, born at 3:34 am Saturday March 3rd was pronounced at 4:10 am on her birthday Saturday March 3rd 2007. She weighed 9 lbs 5 ounces, and she measured 22 inches long. Birdie is the most beautiful child. She is always going to be here with us, we will never say goodbye to her. She sings to us everymorning outside our window.

We love you Birdie.

EVENING UPDATE

We had a lovely relaxing day today...things had slowed as I think that I wrote in the last post. I was really happy to have my Matty home with me today, to spend time together...and for the chance that my contractions could pick back up at any point and things would get going on a regular pattern. Macy also had a lovely day today with her uncle Ron, she is so tired out and it's very adorable. We just had a yummy dinner of home made organic pizza....with pesto, asparagus, mushrooms, italian seasoned tofu, broccoli and some organic cheese. I also had Matt take some photos of my belly so that you all can see how much it has dropped, we don't have a mirror in our house besides the bathroom so photos are really the only way I get to see my belly other than the view I get when I look down! Things are still stalled a bit....oh but a lot more of my mucus plug came out after I took a long amazing nap today. Ok Ok here are some photos from just a little while ago, and its just about 9pm right now.

I'm Still Smiling!We are having so much fun!What a cutie pie he is!

UPDATE!

Hello how are ya'll doing out there in bloggerland?
Just a little update for you. Last night around 1:30am I had a bit of "bloody show".....yes my mucus plug as it is also often called began really making an appearance. To go along with it I had a few not to hard to handle "contractions", which I really prefer to call "rushes". I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep last night as my mind was whizzing all about with thoughts about anything and everything to come! Then of course the heating pipe in our room was making sounds, and Matt and Macy were sound asleep snooring.....and I had some intense contractions. I did however manage to fall asleep a few hours later I would estimate.....and I woke up and had some minor cramping at the most. I called one of our midwives around 9:30am to let her know what was going on, and she said to go about my day as usual and make sure to make time for resting. So, I am about to have some tea and take a lovely nap. So my dears, things are moving along.....I do ask that you sit tight though, this could take another day or so. All in good time.