I Don't Want This Anymore

Today I am in the worst of moods. I dreamt about Birdie being born dead again and again last night. My dreams took place in a completely foreign place, and I remember that it was like I knew she was going to die before she was born. Then, what followed made me feel all the more pissed off. After she was born dead in my dream, other women were giving birth to live babies, over and over, and over again...these women had it all! I think that that these dreams came from seeing twin babies yesterday at a friends party. I hadn't known that these babies would be there. As it turned out, the twins were 3 months old...Birdie would be 3 months old. Also, one of the babies was wearing the SAME FUCKING ONESIE that we had dressed Birdie in at the hospital. It was the one and only outfit she wore, that onesie created a very important memory for us of Birdie. We were sitting on the grass at the party when Matt noticed that one of the babies was wearing the onesie, he later said he wanted to rip it off the baby! Oh how I wanted to do the same! We couldn't stand to be around those babies, who were still so new, and so quiet and bringing so much joy to everyone at the party. We were both completely overwhelmed, and we had to get up and go for a walk. I cried for a little while, wow that experience totally blindsided us! Going to that party was a really big deal, more so for Matt, it was his first time with many other people. Many whom we did not know and were meeting for the first time, the parents of the twins....do they really understand how lucky they are? I was wearing a pin last night (one of the many I always wear) that has a photo of Birdie, me and Matt. The mother of the twins asked, "Is That Your Baby?" I proudly said YES! I then said, she didn't make it. She said, awwww. Uhm, you could say "I'm Sorry!" Now, this all happened before we knew about the twin babies her and her husband had, they were sleeping in their car. I know, I understand that some people don't know what to say...but some people really piss me off. She really pissed me off.

The friend of mine, who's home the party was at also suffered a loss in the past. She now has her subsequent baby who of course was present last night. I knew her baby would be, and Matt did too. Her baby was crawling all over me, and Matt very courageously touched the babies hand and foot...he was doing so, with tear filled eyes. Touching our friends baby was the first time he has touched a baby since Birdie. The baby crawled onto his lap too...Matt did ok....I know how hard it was for him, but he took a really big step in healing yesterday. We both did-together.

Today I am completely bitter about almost everything. I slept until noon, something I haven't done since the first days and weeks of being home after Birdie died. I took the dog for a walk, and shortly after forced myself to go to the gym. It felt so good to lift weights, I have been really pushing myself with the weights (safely of course). I have always loved lifting, and I enjoy it so much more now. I just want to have my body back, and I want my body to be stronger than ever. I can say that I am getting there, finally...I am making some progress and I feel really great physically.

On days like this though, my mental state troubles me...I was shopping for some art supplies this afternoon, and as I turned a corner, whaddya know---A FUCKING NEWBORN BABY! Oh Hello there! THANKS FOR THE PUNCH IN THE FACE! I could hardly contain myself I wanted to scream! GET YOUR BABY OUR OF MY FACE! Don't you know my baby died? Can't you see that in my face, in the way I walk, in the way stare at your child! Again and again I came upon the stupid baby in the store, I nearly had a nervous breakdown...I pulled myself over and began crying. It couldn't be helped and I didn't give a damn. I wanted to go over to the mother of that baby and ask if she knew just how lucky she was to have her baby alive. I really almost did. I was so close to it, but my body started to move the other way. She has her baby, and I was in the store picking out a shadow box for my babies things....I only have memories.

Today I really hate people, I am having so much trouble relating to anyone but Matt and a few other people in my life. I feel really shitty about this, but I am being honest.

I do want to share with you that I had a really nice morning on friday. I spent some time with a local mom who lost her firstborn daughter 4 years ago. Like Birdie, her girl was stillborn, she died during labor...a very normal labor. The similarities of our experiences are scary. As I was saying, I have grown very close with her, I relate to her so much, and I can share anything with her...she understands so well. So, I spent the morning with her and her 2 beautiful, angelic subsequent babes. Her children are both so very amazing, they are both like little cherubs...her oldest is a very wise little one. It felt very nice to be around her children, to hold them and embrace them. I can feel glimmers of hope when I am around them, and her. She is a very special woman.

When I left them yesterday I cried as I walked through a beautiful nearby garden. I was very, very aware of how completely empty my arms were. Empty of my baby, empty of life. My arms felt all the more long and heavy, more than I have been aware of before.

This morning I had a moment of pure clarity, pure hope...I realized (and deep down already knew) that a subsequent pregnancy will absolutely not replace our Birdie (we could never replace such a special child), but that it could bring some much needed healing and hope. These times are so gloomy and dark for us......too dark. We need to have some hope now. Its time for hope for our future, hope for a living baby that we can hold not only in our hearts but in our very empty achy arms.

These Days I'm Finding Birdie In Many Places

She is alive in the birds that come to our backyard.
She is the flowers that are blooming.
She is the beautiful blue sky above our heads.
She is a cool summer breeze that rustles our hair and gives us goosebumps.
She is alive in my heart and in my soul.
She is alive in her Papa's heart and in his soul.
She is alive in the hard and soft summer rains.
She is alive in the roaring thunder of summer storms.
She is alive in the laughter that we have managed to muster from time to time.
She is alive in her Papa's smile.

Birdie, you so very much present in our home, your home. I only wish I could see your ghost, or be touched my your beautiful other worldly aura. Is it crazy to think you might come back to us someday? Mama and Papa feel such a deep connection to you, even though your psychically ash. All of these words Birdie only really serve to tell you how very much we miss you, how very much we long for you, yearn for you. We need you here with us Birdie, we just cannot understand why you are not here with us. Why did you have to die? That is such a huge question. This is all just one big question that will never be answered by anyone.

Birdie we love you so much.
I cannot believe you have been gone for 3 months.

BIRDIE, YOU WOULD BE 3 MONTHS TODAY!

Birdie, where are you my darling girl? I have not felt a cold breeze across my feet for a long time now...send me a sign that you are ok, that you hear me talking to you, singing to you and calling out for you!

I have been thinking so much these days about how I am feeling. As the days, weeks, minutes, seconds are passing by...where am I in my grief, my sadness, my longing for my baby girl. I can say that my hurting, my heart, my sering pain stings the tinyest bit less. However, I do not think of Birdie any less as I thought I had been. I feel like even in my moments of being busy with something that thoughts of her are there...just not completely at the front of my thoughts. When I realize that that is happening I instantly feel a little guilty and sad for being in that space in my head. Then there are times, like right now, when I can just sit and think of her and its so numbing. Today, June 3rd 2007 our baby would be 3 months old. She should be 3 months old, she really should be here and we should be so happy and in love with her and celebrating her 3 months of life after birth! Before I go on, I really want to share some more photos with you all. They are photos that I took of myself when I was around 5-6 months pregnant with Birdie, and then some from when I was 9 months. The later of the images are around 2 weeks before I went into labor. These images made me cry really hard yesterday, after I picked the photos up and looked through them. It was really sad to see them, and beautiful at the same time. I waited until last weekend to have them processed and printed...and I am glad I waited, these images are kind of like a gift, another chance to see and remember Birdie in a fresh light.








I know that I have said this before, I LOVED BEING PREGNANT with Birdie. It was such a sweet blessing to be pregnant with her, she was such a fun baby to grow! Really it was just amazing every day, every moment. She was a miracle. For such a long time I wanted to be pregnant, for many years I used to try and put the pressure on Matt, "Come on let's make a baby!" However, it was just not ever the right time. As I was very well aware that I was nearing the end of my 20's and we were now married, I started to apply a little pressure, or at least the conversation of "trying." Then, last May in the weeks following Matt's birthday I became pregnant. In June, when I had not had my period, which was very unusual...I knew, but I didn't tell Matt. I needed to confirm that I was pregnant...and after 3 tests, each agreeing with what I had thought....I WAS PREGNANT, AND SO FUCKING HAPPY! WE HAD MADE A BABY TOGETHER, IT WAS AMAZING, A MIRACLE! It was this time of year last year that all this began...our story of a beautiful little bird who only had life for 9 months. Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life. Each day was full of excitement, so much joy and HUGE LOVE!



I can't believe that 3 months have passed. Where have the days gone to? We have moved so far away from the moments we had with Birdie, and that is so fucking sad. Our little girl is 3 months away from us, 3 months from touching her uber soft newborn skin, kissing her lips, holding her tight in our arms, napping with her for one afternoon. Looking back I am so damn happy that the birth center allowed us to have her for 3 days...they were so encouraging that we do keep her as long as we wanted, that was just what we needed. I don't think that we would have chose otherwise, and if I had to I would have fought for her being with us as long as she could, before she needed to have her body cooled. In looking at her pictures from those 3 days, I can see her body changing...from a pink and plump little baby, to a pale and purplish little lifeless body. You can see even just in her face how it began to sink in, her nose began to change and became a little pointed...its so sad to see those images, but we are SO HAPPY TO HAVE THEM!



We just got these images from the funeral home back yesterday. I could not wait to see them, like the pregnancy photos, they are another fresh look at where we were 3 months ago, 3 days with Birdie, then she was picked up by the funeral director...we saw her one last time...then she was gone. She was cremated on thursday, we held her wake on friday evening, saturday we held a celebration of life ceremony for her...and then reality began to sink in, what had she/what had we just gone through? How? Why? Did this happen to her? Silence lingers around that question, we will never know why.

I have began to think (out of desperation?)that she will come back to us someday...maybe in our next child, there will be a lingering of her there, her spirit will live through our next baby. I asked one mom who's first baby was stillborn (our stories are VERY similar)if she could see her stillborn child's face in her subsequent baby, and she told me YES, she saw her baby girls face in her next baby very much so. She now watches her son very closely, and often wonders if as her grown that is how her girl would have looked and acted. My cousin, who has 3 children. Has also told me how much each of her babies looked like the other when they were born. Knowing this has really enhanced my obsession of subsequent pregnancy...I know that my consuming thoughts and longing for this are natural, that it is coming from the want, the need to hold a baby...to nurse a baby...it is all coming from these things I cannot to for Birdie, things I so desperately want to do and experience. Things that I was so beside myself with excitement for, FINALLY I could have the experience of being a mommy! NO! NO you cannot, I am sorry....your child is DEAD! We just want Birdie here so badly, it hurts to think about how badly we wanted her! She was not planned, but came to us...a miracle!

This summer I will turn 29, and it makes me a little nervous about having more babies. Will this happen again? I know I am "still young", but my age does cause me to worry a little bit. I do want to be positive about a subsequent pregnancy, there is no reason not to be positive, its the end of a pregnancy that will be scary. I am finding it to be hard to have to wait, it's so hard to wade through the grief, the tears, the wretched heartache. While I want to be pregnant again, its only cause I miss Birdie, I miss holding her and loving her little baby body...but I also know that had she not died, I would not be feeling this way. Had she not died, our next child would not even be a thought yet! This is where we are, this is our life now, a sad little existence at times. This is our life without Birdie.

Sweetest little bird, tiny little baby. You are always in my thoughts, and you have begun to make your way into my dreams. Perhaps you have been there for some time, but only now am I able to remember parts of my dreams...and you are there. You are there, but not always in your baby body. I have dreamt about telling people how you died, much like I do when I am not asleep and dreaming, but feel like I am. Like this life I live now is a surreal dream, and you are not dead. I think of you so often my sweet Birdie...but there have been times in this week that I went a few moments without a thought of you. That is something that I have begun to feel guilty about. It seems strange to be able to get to a place like that, and so soon after you have been gone. How could I not still be consumed by my thoughts of you every single second of the day? It seems as if I am moving to another place in my grief, and I understand that to be ok. One thing that has not wavered is my absolute devotion and love for you. Its so amazing and beautiful to love someone as much as I love you. I also find my love for you brings me closer to your Papa...and deeper in love with him. That is something I did not know I could feel, but I do. You have brought us this love, and I have no other words for the feeling it brings. The love I feel for you and your Papa is much like travelling to a new place, an awe inspiring place...a most magnificent place where there are no words to describe its beauty and how it makes you feel. It makes me sad to think that you will never get to see those kinds of places, you will never get to be inspired by the natural beauty that exists in this world. Or maybe you will, maybe your little spirit is right here with me and Papa...maybe you are sitting on my shoulder and you are not just living and growing in my heart.

I love you so much sweetest Birdie.

Love, Mama

What a weekend it was.....and it WAS without Birdie

Its so absolutely tragic she was not with us this weekend, and I cried many times this weekend. I do think that her spirit was with us, I felt her very strongly on sunday. Yes, this was the weekend I had become scared of, the weekend of the wedding that M.att and I were supposed to be in. I had changed my mind last week, feeling terrified of walking down the aisle...something our Birdie will never be able to do. I just felt so hurt so destroyed over that thought. Its so unfair she can never have that experience, and so unfair that we can never watch her walk down the aisle. Our beautiful Birdie will never be a bride to be. Simply a tragic fact of her non-existant life. We did have a nice day on sunday, early on in the day we had a lovely walk around Walden Pond, something we both had always wanted to do. Both of us would have rather had done this with Birdie....we walked around the whole pond anyways.

Later on we had to get to the wedding location. We got there and I started feeling pretty anxious about being in the wedding, and feeling so nerved up about the whole experience. Somehow after getting dressed and then helping the bride for a little while I started to think about actually going through with "walking down the aisle", and doing it for Birdie, walking down the aisle holding M.att.s hand for Birdie. In the end that is what we did, we had the experience for her. It was so strange to go ahead and do that, but we did. We did it for our beautiful daughter. I was completely spaced out the whole ceremony, and not long after it began there were birds singing loudly in the many trees that surrounded the ceremony location. That is all I paid attention to pretty much the whole time. I just kept looking up at the trees trying to find the birds. Then I would catch Matt looking at me and we just stared at each other. So, it was not as hard as I had imagined, but it still hurt like hell to go through with it.

The other thing that I had felt anxious about was seeing so many family members. There were many of them there, M.att.s family is pretty huge. I had the fear that there would not be any acknowledement of Birdie, and for the most part I was right. I mean, I did not want that to be the topic of conversation as we were at a wedding. However, just a mention of Birdie....how people were missing her, or thinking of her, ANYTHING! There were those that did say lovely, very caring and sweet things to us, and that is what I needed and I am pretty sure M.att needed to hear. She is still our child, even though her body was not there with us. It bugs me that people don't know what to say....or that they just dont say anything, it just does.

I have not been posting as much because I have been busy with my job....busy getting a raise...and now being the woman who is pretty much learning to run "the show". I still feel the need to post here, and to stay in touch with all of you...and to think of my Birdie and write to her here.

I am just trying to figure my life out after all of this shit. Trying to get through my days of ovulation that are making themselves known like they never have before....and trying to stop having consuming thoughts of pregnancy. All of which is so damn hard. My body and mind want to be pregnant, that is the honest truth.

I do have to say though, at least today...I feel the sting of her death a little bit less, and I wonder if that is ok? I wonder if I am not thinking of her every single second of the day....am I forgeting her somehow? I feel so guilty when I have days like that, and I have had a few. Am I being a bad mama to her if I can have these moments? Or am I moving into another realm of my grief? Has anyone else felt something like this?

Birdie, I missed you so much this weekend. I had had so many warm thoughts of having you so close to me at this family wedding. I had planned to have my dress altered to be able to nurse you, I planned to hold you during the ceremony....and we planned to dance with you and walk with you and love you and oh so much more. Were you there with us? Was it you who made the birds call out in song during the ceremony? I felt such a hurtful ache for you...such a drawn out longing to hear you crying at the wedding. I think I felt the presence of your spirit....you, my darling the sweet little innocent baby who used to move joyfully and rambunkciously in my belly.

We miss you sweet girl. We still feel the full force of your love, and our love for you and each other.
Love, Mama

Birdie Always An Our Minds

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days.

That is how old Birdie would be today if she were here. As these months keeping on passing us by, I am starting to feel more and more awful. In the last few days I have realized that I sometimes feel like I was never pregnant with Birdie, that I never had a baby. I had such a great labor, that went suddenly so wrong. I had an innocence about such a natural process of life, that is now destroyed. I won no prize, she was taken from my womb in such an unnatural manner. I keep coming back to the days leading up to my labor, things started on thursday and then dissipated, so we went on with our day. The middle of the night (friday) they started up again....and then that was it, I was in labor. How intense and yet beautiful my labor was up until.

Now here I am with a hurting, sinking feeling in my body.

Now here I am wanting so badly to be pregnant again. I know that a lot of this feeling is from my want for Birdie, that makes perfect sense to me. It seems that everyday this feeling grows a little stronger. Its especially hard around this time of the month because it was around this time that we conceived Birdie, and we did not know we had. Birdie was not planned, she just came to us on a beautiful May evening last year. I remember when I first knew, it was in June, I had missed my period by a few days...which was not normal. I got 3 pregnancy tests, I did 2 right away in disbelief that they were +, and another the next morning. I did not tell Matt, I was so excited I was bursting to tell him, but I waited. I waited till the night before fathers day. I remember the lovely look on my Matthews face when he opened the container that held the pregnancy tests. He immediately began to tear up. There was such pure love there, pure joy, excitement and anxiety...he was not sure he could be a father. Oh, my darling what a wonderful father you are to our Birdie.

I long for a moment like that again, but it won't be filled with the same emotions...it will be filled with happiness and worry.

Or will it? Will we be able to get to a place of being happy for a subsequent pregnancy, and not feel terrified for what could happen again? I am taking strength in the many families we met last weekend at the Mothers Day Walk. All of whom have had a loss and found the strength and courage to try again. Many of them now hold in their arms beautiful live babies. These families inspire me and give me much needed hope.

Birdie, we love you so much. We wish we could have you here. Where are you?

Something to share...
Mama Amia...thank you for sending this to us on Mamas Day.
Little Bird, Little Bird

Elizabeth Mitchell has always been a favorite musician of mine. Matt and I bought her "You Are my Flower" album when I discovered it one day looking for music for babies and little children. I used to listen to that album in my car all the time over and over singing it to Birdie when I knew she could hear me. She was so cute..she would move and kick me when I sang those songs to her. Well, now we have this album that that song link is from "You Are My Little Bird". It's so sweet...makes me cry!

Oh Birdie...I Love You....you are my little bird.

Mama and Baby

Mothers Day...oh boy was that a day. We went to a special Mothers Day walk for mamas who have lost a baby.... The walk was organized by a truely amazing mama & papa. I felt so blessed to have become aquainted with this mama, who is also mama to a stillbirth daughter. She reached out to me within days of hearing about Birdie. I feel so blessed to know her, and inspired by her strength and hope.

Most of our family joined us on the walk, which was good, though I know it was hard on some of them. For me the walk realy gave me hope for the future, as there were SO MANY families who had had a loss that were there with their beautiful susequent babies and toddlers. It was not as hard for me to see these children because I knew how they came to be...and I knew that the parents of the children did not take these babies for granted, not in the slightest. I immediately connected with one mommy in particular who had her gorgeous twins there with her and her husband....she was simply radiant in her continued grief for her baby who was not with them in life, and in her deepest love for her brand new babies, her first born and her husband. We held each other as we walked, with one of her twins in tow....I touched her babies finger and could feel the lovely innocent energy from the child to my heart and my memories of touching Birdies fingers. What sweet sweet finger Birdie had....I love to look at pictures of her and stare at her fingers....really all of her. Birdie is so lovely.

So, Mamas day was ok. It was hard, but it felt SO good and so important to have taken part in the walk to remember our babies. It felt comforting to be surrounded by so many others who have also been in the exact place we are. Though, I would not havce wished to have been surrounded by so many....I would have wished these people to not have known such a loss. I had a really REALLY bad day yesterday, for so many reasons. I just cannot understand why people have been so cruel. They truly don't know me, us or our situation.

Today was not so bad, me and Macy went for a just about 2 hour walk, as it was so beautious outside and not too warm yet. I was going to go to Bikram Yoga today but my period cramps were pretty yuck. Oh, yeah for those who care...I got my 2nd period after my emergency-c. I guess it is a good sign my body is getting a little more normalized...I feel like it is. My mind is another story!

BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!

Moving on...back into the endless love for out girl, our Biride.

I am pushing that storm behind me.

This is a sacred space where nothing but love emenates, love for Birdie and for each other. I never knew that I could love this deeply, I loved deeply before, but nothing like this.....Birdie you have brought us such a special, sacred and beautiful love.

You are such a special baby.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!

Love, Mama

I am going to lose it over this.

ENOUGH!

If you want to read my blog, you will have to have a password.
I cannot handle this, I am on such shakey ground already. I cannot believe that this wench has done this to me. This was meant to be a nice blog, a peaceful place for me and the memories of being pregnant with Birdie. This woman has destroyed this for me, absolutely squashed this for me. I am done with this shit, just so done with it. I cannot even have a public blog now. I cannot trust that people can be polite or sensitive to me, a GRIEVING mother, this is all TOO FRESH and I cannot deal with the evil of this woman and people like her. I cannot believe that I have to make my blog private. What a fucking bitch! Thank you stupid Dr. Amy for bringing me right back to square one of my grieving. You get the grade of L- for the year! Yes that's right Loser-. I hope that you are happy with the hurt you have caused me, I just wanted an open forum for OTHER GRIEVING PARENTS! Not for OB Political Junkies like yourself.

I hope that you have to face what I am someday. Then you will know what it means to feel REAL GRIEF. REALLY RAW, IN YOUR FACE GRIEF!

You are a disgrace to the OB field and to womankind.

I'm done with this, done.

*Ladies, fellow Mama's (you know who you are) if you want to access the blog send me your email address.

She has posted my blog link with MY FULL NAME, so I want to post her info(BUT I WON'T SINK THAT LOW),she has destroyed my life even more with furthering HER POLITICAL cause with the DEATH OF MY BABY from MY attempted homebirth

Dr.Amy I don't want you to slander me or my baby's memory anymore, REMOVE THE LINK PLEASE! Dr. Amy you didn't realize that you have actually posted my info on your blog, anyone can find me, just as I found her (if you want to contact her let me know). I am serious about her removing the link to this blog, this is no joke, my blog is a memorium, a sacred place where other mama's can come and read, and maybe take something from as I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I don't appreciate her posting a link to me on her blog, furthering her Dr. Amy political cause.

Others have been succesfull with stopping harrassment against them on their blogs (with the info of the trolls who have done it), I am fighting for this too!

Dr. Amy, REMOVE the link! You are a disgrace to your profession, you are a disgrace to womankind. I want my blog back, NOW!

You have done enough damage to me, you have proved yourself a horrible person and a disgrace to your "profession" enough is enough. I want you to REMOVE THE LINK!


"You may not post information such as other people's passwords, usernames, phone numbers, addresses and e-mail addresses unless already publicly accessible on the Web."

p.s. HER INFO IS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC ON THE INTERNET, I FOUND IT VIA A SIMPLE SEARCH!

PLEASE EMAIL THIS BITCH AND ASK HER TO REMOVE OUR BLOG FROM HER ANTI HOMEBIRTH SITE!!!!!

In the past day I have learned that this woman Dr. Amy Tuteur HER SITE decided that it was just fine to post our blog for Birdie on her stupid ass website. I am so upset, so sad and heartbroken that she has done this. She refuses to remove the link and I don't know what to do. This is absolutely rediculous. This blog used to be a lovely, quiet, peaceful place for me to write out my feelings and now it has been stomped on
and I am not strong enough to keep this up.

This woman doesn't agree she is disrespecting the memory of Birdie by her actions. Yes, this is the stupid internet, simple made up of 1'sssssss and 0'sssssss.
However this blog, our blog is not here for debate about what happened, nor is this a blog meant for people like her to post a link to to scare other women who might be considering homebirth. I still believe in homebirth for women and babies. I do. This was a rare thing that happened. This is a private matter that I have entrusted to you
other mommies out there. You have been so sweet and comforting. I need your help to save this blog, because I will remove it very soon if that troll of a doctor does not remove her link ASAP. I so desperately want to keep this memorium for Birdie alive and continue to share my grief, my love for her and my family with you all, but things are rediculously out of control and for no reason at all.

Her resonse to my email plead:

"Publishing a story on a blog is like publishing it in a newspaper.
Unless you password protect your blog, you cannot control who reads it
or discusses it.

I am very sorry for your terrible loss, and I am sorry that you think
that mentioning your public posting on my blog is disrespectful to her
memory. I believe that it is important for people contemplating
homebirth to understand what can really happen. I don't presume to
offer you advice, and that is why I did not post on your blog. As I
wrote in my original post, you can read what I and others write on my
blog or you can completely ignore it. It seems reasonable to expect
that people who write on your blog will offer only supportive
comments, but does not seem reasonable to expect that if you publicly
broadcast your story to millions of people around the world, no one
else is allowed to comment on it."

Sincerely,

Amy Tuteur

Her email: dramy5@aol.com


She's so sincere...don't ya think?
erin, Birdie's Mama......posted on Mothers Day, May 13th 2007

Luvin My Baby, Luvin My Man

Just wanted to post a lovely photo of my beautiful baby girl, and her beautiful papa.


Tommarrow is Matt's birthday. I hope for him to have a lovely quiet day at home with me and our memories of Birdie.

All I can hear out my windows are the songs of many, many birds....I cannot help but think they are reflections of Birdie, and her love.

Today, I am BURSTING with love for sweet Birdie and my sweet Matthew.

It is calm here now.


Birdie & Papa(Matt), I love you both so much...I am so blessed to have you both in my life.

Dear Anonymous Commenter that left a comment @ 11:11 am on Friday, today May 11th

Please just leave me and my husband and the memory of our child alone. You have no right to say this:

"I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid that there's every chance that if you were labouring in the hospital your child would be alive and fine now.

Fetal bradycardia happens every day on a busy labour ward. It's one of the true emergencies we see. In roughly 2/3 cases the heart recovers just prior to the C section. In the other 1/3 it doesn't, and you need to get the baby out fast. In my time I've delivered probably about 100 babies safely like this, with one dead and one brain damaged (both were out within 10 minutes). So you see time does matter. The extra 10 minutes you took to get to hospital would have made all the difference (you might live 3 minutes away but you didn't take 3 minutes to transfer - I can guarantee that).

Fetal bradycardia is the main reason that doctors don't like homebirth. It's not uncommon. Like shoulder dystocia or cord prolapse, your baby is screwed without medical intervention STRAIGHT AWAY.

I know that deep down you know your choices were for the worse here. You're obviously a deeply caring person, but your rejection of "the man" has led you down a blind alley. Best of luck for the future, but PLEASE don't repeat your mistakes as others here are encouraging you to do with their platitudes."

Look fucker, all you had to say to me were the first 5 words that you wrote: "I'm sorry for your loss". That is it! You DID NOT need to continue with anymore of what you did write. We have been through enough, so just put your pride away. We are not against medical intervention, and I never claimed to be. I do not need to justify myself, or decisions to you or anyone else. My baby is DEAD, ok? She is DEAD and nothing that any of us say or do is going to revive her ashes, GOT THAT? Yeah, maybe it is my fault, don't you think that I have visited that place? Don't you think I go there in my mind EVERY fucking day? I said that enough of these kinds of comments to me and my family is enough, AND I FUCKING MEAN IT! So anyone else who wants to make nasty or judgemental comments just go somewhere else, how about commenting on some political blog about the fucking president and all the people HE HAS killed, how about you just go and do that. Leave ME, MY HUSBAND and THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY ALONE! We don't need your distasteful and negative energy here.

Enough of That, Now Its Time To MEME!

Thank you dearest Sara for the tag! I must say I was not in the "know" about this meme-ing, but I will give it a go!

I am full of love.

I am full of hurt.

I am full of ANGER!

I am sad.


I am hopeful for the future.

I am having a hard time.

I am wanting to be pregnant.

I am ALWAYS thinking of my BIRDIE!


I am so deeply in love with my husband.

I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

I am happy for the beautiful daughter we made...together.

I am going to give him the gift of another beautiful baby someday.


I am hoping for a healthy subsequent pregnancy.

I am crazy for thinking this so soon?

I am all over the place with my thoughts.


I am thankful for all of you women out there who have given such strong support. Please know how special I believe you are, I carry you with me always. I hope someday to perhaps organize a way for us all to come together in person...

I am full of hope for all of us to get through our tough times...we WILL get through this, WE have to.


I tag,Clare,Bleu and Laura

TWO MORE COMMENTS FROM HER!

"The decision to have a home birth in the US is NOT MADE WITH THE APPROVAL OF ANY REPUTABLE MEDICAL AUTHORITY but by those women with anti-medical political agendas. OK, have a home birth--but know you are playing Russian Roulette with your life, and the life of your baby. You cannot be forced to give birth in a hospital; there are no laws mandating hospital birth, just as you can choose to drink bleach. In just about every state there are no laws about home schooling--but it doesn't mean your homeschooled child is educated.
You might be interested in today's blog entry in NHSBlogDoctor."

Posted by Antigonos to Vegetarian Mom with A Vegan Baby on da Way at 4:16 AM

"You want to talk about EVIL? Choosing a method of birth that puts a baby at undue risk is EVIL. You can flame me all you like--ANYONE WHO CHOOSES TO AVOID MEDICALLY ACCEPTABLE PRACTICES ON BEHALF OF A HELPLESS PERSON IS GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER.

Of course babies die in hospital! But not for "unknown" reasons.

As for my being a horrible midwife, who "instills fear" into her patients, well, the wall full of commendations from my mothers (some of whom are second generation patients now) belies that accusation. Also the fact that never once has a patient either sued me, or even complained about my care.

Thank you, Erin, for publicizing my email address. Another totally irresponsible act on your part."

Her Response to Her Madness Towards Me

"No, I don't want you to kill yourself, heaven forbid.

I want you to make RESPONSIBLE decisions about childbearing, beginning with
eating a NORMAL diet in pregnancy, and giving birth where medical
intervention IF IT IS REQUIRED, is seconds, not minutes or hours, away.

I am sorry it took the death of your baby to show you this, but childbirth
isn't a game, and it doesn't matter if you have a happy, positive "birth
experience", it matters that both you and your baby are SAFE. The reality
is that both you and the baby are at considerable risk during labor and
birth, no matter how uncomplicated. And in labor and birth, when
complications do arise, they arise with extreme rapidity and often without
prior warning.

Over 40 years of maternity work I have seen dozens of birth gimmicks and
fads come and go. I've seen medical theories come and go. I've done home
births, but only within the framework of a country set up for them--a
country with full medical backup available at an instant's notice. That
country is not the US."

Sarah Meir, CNM
Certified Nurse Midwife
Women's Health Center, Kupat Cholim Meuchedet
Jerusalem
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again I say, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!
What is her problem.....has she done this to anyone else? Anyone reading my blog?

I cannot believe this, did this woman actually write this to me?

Talk about guilty, this woman points at me point blank! Now I cannot help but feel the full responsibilty of Birdie's death. I did make the wrong choice. I killed my baby???????????????

UPDATE!
Holy snaps, I just cannot believe this woman, I have been thinking about what she said to me and about me and I just cannot believe her! How can anyone be so awful, absolutely raunchy to me especially after what has happened! She is such a TROLL (as some of you have stated!) What a perfect word/thing for her to be characterized as. Simply awful. I feel sorry for her, truely I do. I hope she can find some peace for herself someday. Thank you to all you lovely and supportive women/mamas out there in internet land. Your are so special, I hope maybe someday somehow we can all have a big tea party together!

Here is the comment that is bringing me to this dark place, it's totally unbelievable:

"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE.

She died because you chose to have her born in a way that maximized every possible risk--by having a home birth. You should feel guilty--you as well as killed her. So stop whining now. If you had been on intermittent fetal monitoring in a hospital, where a C/S was literally 5 minutes away, the drop in heart beat would have been discovered much sooner, and the delay in getting Birdie born much shorter and the possibility of a successful resuscitation much higher.

There are no "normal" births, full stop. There are births with complications and births without complications and it is impossible to predict before the birth which it will be. But to turn your back on modern science in order to have a romantic "birth experience" at the cost of your child is inexcusable. You are MUCH more than a "little" responsible.

I am a certified nurse midwife with 40 years experience. Home birth, except where there is FULL MEDICAL AND SURGICAL backup, as in the UK and Holland, where the Flying Squad comes to the home with the ability to do a C/S on the spot, within minutes of being called, IS DANGEROUS."

What the Fuck man! Ok, Antigonos then why then is it ok to make the choice to have homebirth at all in the US at all? Or, why doesn't the US have the same protocol for homebirth as the UK and Holland? Lets talk about this bullshit man.....why don't YOU HELP US MIDWIVES TO HAVE THE SAME THINGS THAT YOU DO? Why don't you fight for this? Yeah fight for it here in the US so you can stop blaming people like me! This is still so fresh and you are so horrible!

Here is her fucking email: sarahm@actcom.co.il

I cannot fucking believe this. What the FUCK!

Silence on this blog.


Hey there. Is anyone still out there? Where have I been? I don't know, here and there wasting time and trying to keep myself busy. The weather here has been really nice this past week, and so I have been trying to be outside as much as possible. Being able to be outside so much has been very therapeutic for me. Hearing the birds sing and just letting the sunlight soak into my skin and into my brain is a little healing, just a little bit. I am continuing to work out at the gym very regularly and that feels really good to me as well. I so desperately want to lose this extra weight. In a few weeks I am in a family wedding, and as I have said before I DON'T want to look pregnant. I wonder if it will be hard for people to see me and Matt stand up in this wedding. I hope that we are not too distracting. I feel that it is going to be really hard for me to hold it together, because well it is so hard to hold it together everyday! I don't like to hold my emotions in anyways. It is going to be a bittersweet walk down that aisle, even though I have already done so to marry my sweetheart. When I see him standing there (he is in the wedding too) so many memories are going to rush to me. So many memories, especially the memory of learning I was pregnant with my beautiful husband's baby...9 months after our wedding. I guess I am a little scared to be in this wedding. This wedding was supposed to be a happy time, we were going to be attending and standing up in it with our little baby. I had to order the dress I am wearing WAY TOO BIG for me, because I was so pregnant when I ordered it, and wanted to be assured that my boobs would fit in it. So, I ordered the thing, a size 18. I was going to have the straps specially re-sewn with clips to allow me to nurse Birdie at the wedding. All these dreams are shattered, how am I not going to think of all of this when I am up there and I am supposed to be happy for my dear friends getting married, I am terrified that I am going to ruin it for them! How the hell am I going to not breakdown and cry my eyes out.

As the days are getting closer to Mothers Day, I am just so sad... so fucking sad. As the days push away from March 3, 2007 I am just so MAD, I am so fucking ANGRY! I am so angry at the events surrounding the death of our little Birdie. I am so angry that she could not have been saved! With all the technology that we ended up having to take part in, why could she not have lived? Our little baby, our sweet little baby girl, dammit I want her here with me right fucking now! I want my little beautiful baby girl, my baby GIRL! We had a baby GIRL! A little person of my own flesh and blood who looks like me, she is dead DEAD! I cannot believe my life is what it is right now, and my arms are empty and my breasts are empty, and my heart is so FULL, SO FULL OF LOVE for a little baby who is dead. My life fucking sucks! I am so thankful for my Matty, but this little baby that we made, we created...the most beautiful artwork we have ever made, our Birdie. We made a baby and she is breathtakingly beautiful and she was taken from us before we could feel the warmth of her skin, before we could hear her cries of life, before we could look into her gorgeous eyes and her into ours and know she was safe.

Can someone please take us back in time and make this all better, please make this nightmare go away and bring our baby back to life. Why hasn't anyone done this? Why did our little girl have to die? I am so sick of thinking that I will see a sign of her somewhere, that's just bullshit. She is dead, and she can't tell us she is ok. She is just dead, she a dead little BABY! I am the mother of the most beautiful baby and she is dead, that makes no sense. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE. I have said this before, but NO GOD would take a little baby from her parents, there is something else, something else, some other reason she died. I want to know why, somebody tell me the reason (and don't say because god.....). I am SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! I want our little Birdie back, and I want her NOW!

Please don't tell me that there must be a reason she died, no reason is good enough for me. It just comes down to, OUR BABY DIED! She died and nobody, not even medical technology and genetic testing on my placenta can tell us why. My placenta that nobody would let us have after all that we went through at the hospital, my placenta became hospital property! I am still appalled at this, it was my placenta and it connected me and MY baby. MY placenta nourished my sweet little baby with the healthiest foods, and I couldn't get it back!

So, I should have gotten my period my now. I did get it back last month, and I was so surprised to, but it felt healthy and so good to have it back....to have my reproductive system cleansing itself and renewing itself. However, this month I have not had my period yet (although I had cramps last week), and I know that I am not pregnant (trust me - I know, hint. e.p..t) No I am not pregnant, but oh how I am longing for the fall months to come...to hit that 9 month since surgery mark. Has anyone had this experience of your period being funny? I feel that it is probably fine, but I know that some of you who have had a c-section might be able to put my mind at ease.

I am going to stop now. Know that really I am ok, I just feel so broken, so down and I am so hurt. All of this is not for me but for Birdie. I feel all this for her, a sweet innocent little baby that should not have had to die. No reason, NO explanation is good enough. I cannot help but feel a little bit responsible, she was in my body and I should have known she was not ok. I just should have know. (please don't tell me not to blame myself). I have to feel a little bit of blame for her death, just a little bit...I know I am not fully responsible, but just a little bit.

A Beautiful Tree For Beautiful Birdie




We planted a Magnolia tree for our baby Birdie (and Macy was cute enough to sit for the picture of her little sister's tree). We had it in mind to plant the tree on Arbor Day this past friday, but the weather here was miserable and gross. So on Saturday after we got home from the Sheep & Woolcraft Fair we planted Birdies tree. I have always loved Magnolia trees, I think that I am remembering this right but one of my grandmothers had one in her home (I think). I always make a connection between Magnolia trees and her, she LOVED flowers and BIRDS! The smell of magnolia is so lovely and sweet! It is so perfect for Birdie to have her very own magnolia tree. I hope that we are living here long enough to see it grow a bit bigger than it is! We love our apartment SO much (this apt is so much more special now with all our memories of my pregnancy), and our landlady ROCKS so hopefully we will get to stay here awhile.

I have been making some observations about myself the last few days. It seems that I am starting to be able to handle my grief and pain a little better. It also seems that this is attributed to how the weather is and how active I am. Perhaps also it has to do with my diet and how well I am eating. Last week I had been low on super nutritious food, so that probably didn't help my moods. Anyways, now that I am going back to the gym 3-4 times a week and taking Macy for long walks and hikes I am feeling a bit better(?). Don't get me wrong, I am by no means OK...my activities serve only as distractions (a temporary fix). It does feel good to be able to be active again and working out. I am working really hard to lose as much weight as I can in the next 3 weeks. I am in a wedding at the end of May...and I don't want to look pregnant standing in front of everyone! It doesn't seem like my belly has deflated much at all in the last month or so, its SO frustrating. I just dread anyone asking if I am pregnant or when I am due, I know I have written about that before but its just so horrible to have this belly! Of course you know if I had my Birdie here, alive with me I wouldn't give a damn about my belly!

I am sitting here at my desk, and staring at a picture of Birdie...she definitely has her fathers deep set eyes, and the slightest little hint of a dimpled chin just like her Papa. Dammit she is just so adorable! I can't believe we made such a beautiful child, a perfect little person and she is all ours...I am amazed by what we created together, truly amazed. It is also so amazing the extreme feelings of love that emanate from me to Birdie and to my husband. I feel like I have entered into a whole nother level of love, and what it is to love someone and to feel that love that you give out, that you give off. Its really other worldly and totally intense. I don't think that I, no, I am sure that I would not have found this level of love if it weren't for Birdie (I don't mean to give the impression that I have never loved deeply, believe me until I met Matt, I didn't know what love really was - I have always loved Matt as much and as deeply as humanly possible for me to, but my love for him is so much more amplified now, its so intense and SO great!). Even though she is not here with us psyically, she is truly truly here with us in love. I feel that love, her love for me and for Matt all the time. We are so blessed to have such a special child that could show us absolute true love. She is our little baby love for always and all time.

Birdie you are so precious, so special.
I love you always and everywhere I am.

Love, Mama

Birdie, Today You Would Be 8 Weeks Old

Sweetest little one, today is April 28th...and you would have been 8 weeks old. We miss you so much little darling girl. Today we did some really nice things in memory of you.
We went to a sheep and wool craft fair, where we saw some really cute little sheeps, and some big sheeps. They were all so sweet and gentle, it was so hard not to imagine you touching their soft newly sheared bodies and giggling with excitement. For Mama & Papa it was so nice to be near the sheep and to touch them. It has always been very healing for us to be surrounded by animals, they are so gentle and sweet. We saw a few (human) babies today, that was very hard and painful but somehow it was bearable. Well, to a point it was, the last one we saw (was very new) was being carried by its Mama in a baby wrap...that was too much for me, we left immediately.

Next we went to visit one of my grandfathers graves (which I hadn't done in a long time...too long) the afternoon was so nice and it felt so nice to have a visit. We had one of your remembrance cards and so we dug into the earth a little, and placed the card in the soil right next to your great grandfathers headstone. The sun was shining on you both, together and so peaceful.

When we got home from our adventures Papa began digging the hole to plant your magnolia tree. Papa did a great job digging the hole, then we mixed the soil from the ground with some planting soil we had bought. As we were placing the tree into the earth the little girl next door came over and helped us to place the soil in the hole and around the tree. She is a very nice little girl Birdie, you would really like her. Well, then we watered your tree a couple of times, let the water settle and placed the final touches of soil around the tree and the planting of your tree was done. What a lovely tree your tree is Birdie...its so beautiful and smells beautiful just like you.

We are so excited to watch your tree grow my love. Your tree will grow as our love for you grows...forever and ever...as long as forever is.

(I will post a photo of Birdie's tree tomarrow)

All our love Birdie.
Love, Mama & Papa

Thinking Blogger am I
Look at what I have been graced with...

This is really sweet. Thank you all who visit us here at our baby blog. You are helping to keep Birdie's sweet memory alive.

All love & peace to you...

I am greatly inspired by so many of you who I have found via:
Baby Loss Directory
(thank you - Delphi, Julian's Mom, Kate & Msfitzita for starting this site it is so important!)

While I can't mention ALL of you here are just a few:
Clare
Sara
Delphi
Bleu
Making A Life

I hope you will keep coming back to check on us...and I hope that you all can find some sense of peace and maybe inspiration from the many other mothers out there.

THINKING...

about Birdie and what my life is to become under the guise of "The New Normal".
What a crappy day it is here today, this rainy gloomy weather does nothing to lift my spirits. I spent pretty much the entire day changing this blog around, giving the blog that was started because of Birdie a spring spruce up! I think it's looking pretty nice. =)

Well, I had an ok week...with the weather helping me to have an ok week. Well, that is until today, my Baby is sending us her cool tears on these days of rain and gloomy grey. On days like this I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and hibernate from all my emotions. On days like this I can't even tell really how I am. I just feel so sad and mopy, but I force myself to stay active...I have to! Then I get to these moments on some days, like today, like right now and I stop and make believe that I have a living breathing baby. Yes, I have a live baby like so many other mothers do! Hello reality, hello to my life. My empty arms, my heart full of love for a child that I cannot hold, that I cannot kiss that I cannot nurse. Birdie I am still here? Where are you? Birdie my sweet lovely girl, Mama still wants you to be in her belly again where you can be safe and hide from death. Oh, wait I forgot it is inside my belly that you died. I am sorry my love.

This whole new reality is so strange, its so wierd. I feel like I am just going through the motions sometimes...well more than sometimes. Here I go, I am here, alive typing on this keyboard...there I go, taking the dog for a walk...eating...sleeping..peeing...shitting...

I am doing all these things but sometimes now I don't know for what...what is doing all these things now after Birdie's death getting me? I don't mean to sound like what is the point if one has no children, but that really is how I feel. Now that I have been touched by motherhood, more like I have been brushed by motherhood...where is my prize, oh yeah...my baby girl is dead. I am so heartbroken, and what pains me even more is that I am not the only one! I can feel the pain of the many who have had to experience this. It fucking sucks and why is there not more done to prevent this, by research etc. Yes, I am pissed off and I am hating the world right now. I am entitled to this.

Birdie, I don't mean to get upset. It's just that I wish all the love I have always had for you could have somehow helped you to stay here with us. Today I couldn't even plant your tree (we got a beautiful magnolia tree to plant for Birdie today - Arbor Day). The weather is just so sad and gross. I didn't want all the lovely blossoms to fall off.

I love you so much Birdie, you are my sweet little love.
Mama

In Loving Memory of Our Beautiful Babies...


I want to call out to any and all Mommies who are living in the Massachusetts area and close by states (CT, NY, VT, NH) who have suffered the loss of a child (miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or unexplained death). I want to start a once a month meet-up for us all. A place to meet and share stories about our babies, bring your knitting or crocheting, read poems or stories and or share your artwork. We can drink tea & coffee, eat yummy pastries and offer each other support (etc). This would be a great way for us blogging mommies to come together to form real life relationships, real life support (not that I do not need and appreciate all the fellow blogger support, it is AMAZING). Just that it would be so great to put faces to the blogging names. If there are any of you out there who are interested please contact me.

This is just a thought right now, it depends on if you all want this too. It just seems that it would be a positive step for us all.
To get us away from our computer screens and out into the world, something that I found hard to do on my own.

***Also, I wated to ask you ALL out there if you have heard anything about LEAD and its possible connection to misscariage and stillbirth. I have recently read some information pointing to this link. We live in an old victorian home (apt.) with lead paint our basement & in the soil in the yard (med levels). Has anyone else read about this? Have you had your blood levels for LEAD tested?

All Love to you ALL!

Birdie You Would Be 7 Weeks Now...

Sweet, Sweet little Birdie. I cannot believe that you would be almost 2 months old if you were still alive. Its so disturbing that you are not alive. When I stop and really think about your death, you-just a little helpless baby it angers me so much. How can a perfect little tiny baby die? I am so much more aware of the fragility and the uncertainty of life. It is a lesson that I did not want to learn, nor do I feel like we needed to learn this. I feel like I have always valued life, and I began to value the miracle of life...your life when I learned you were growing inside of me. What a beautiful feeling, that first moment I knew about you, that in 9 months I would be holding YOU! Our perfect, beautiful little baby. No, we had not been planning to make you, but we had, and we were so ecstatic over having made you! I will never understand nor will anyone, why you had to leave us the way you did.

Today Papa and I had our genetic testing appointment, ultimately we got no answers.

Nothing to help us answer and of the whys or how's about your death. You, your short life and sudden death are a mystery and a miracle all at the same time. Your beginning was beautiful, your life inside my womb was beautiful...and you showed me your death was beautiful. I truly want to believe that, I do. Birdie, I don't want to be sad when I think about you, but it's truly hard not to be. I wanted to show you so many things, I was so excited to be able to spend time with you everyday. I was going to take you to town, show you off to everyone...to spend time outside on the porch, watch the Birdie's come and eat and hear them sing. Your Papa and me both wanted these things and so much more. So any people tell me you are ok where you are, or that people they know that have died are with you looking out for you. How do we really know this is true? We have not received any sign that this is true. I cannot believe any of that until you show me that you are ok, but how can you? How would a newborn baby know how to do this?

I am so disturbed by this, it makes no sense at all. How is it that you are here living with us, your body in an urn? The ashes of your body, all that I worked so hard for by eating the healthiest organic foods is sitting on our mantle? Your baby body cremated to ash, its so messed up. Babies shouldn't die, they just shouldn't! We want you to be here Birdie! Is there some miracle you can perform to make yourself come back to life? Can you undo all that has been done? Can you make us all go back in time? Mama & Papa just want your little baby body alive and here with us so that we can love you in this place, in this life NOW!

So, today was our genetic testing meeting, and we got no answers. Just some suggestions of tests to have the "next time". I can't believe we have to even go there to think of the "next time". We want the baby that we made, that I grew.
WE WANT BIRDIE! I am feeling anxious about so much right now, I'm anxious about Birdie (obviously), getting pregnant again (and hoping it will all be ok "next time", my age (even though I am only 28-I will be 29 soon), the unknowns of my family history (i am adopted).

Is this real? Is this really my life now? Did Birdie really die? What the fuck!

So, friday I went to a "Sew-cial", it was super good to go to. The sew-cial was an evening of hanging out with women who I have never met before. I brought my knitting, and some other did to and others were sewing. We hung out, talked about knitting, sewing, family etc. It felt good to get out (i had not really left the house much-and if I did it was to go to a "safe place"). So, I got out and I had a good time. I cannot believe I said that! It's true I did have a good time, it was hard to hear other women talking about their kids though. The women there are around my age, you know the baby making age. Well, after about an hour of being there a baby came in in stroller. In my head I was freaking out, but I kept cool...for a little bit. The mama of the baby sat at my table and set up her sewing machine, she was really nice. Shortly after talking a little bit, someone told her her baby was awake, so she went and got the baby and started to nurse. I was super happy she was nursing her baby, but inside I was dying...my body, my breasts ached for Birdie. It became a little too much for me to sit right next to a nursing mama, so I politely got up and excused myself. The other women/mamas said there goodbyes and I left. It was probably around 8pm, and it was dark outside....when I waked out the door and got to the corner, a beautiful bird began to sing! I was already crying a little, but that got me! It was like Birdie was right there saying hello I love you Mama!

What I didn't write about going to the sew-cial, is that I normally wouldn't just go to something like that, I am usually too shy. However then woman who started it was very encouraging and supportive of me coming to it (I told her about Birdie, and she is a Mama herself). As soon as I walked in the door and introduced myself she walked over to me and gave me a great big hug. That made me feel so welcome, it was so sweet. Then, in talking with the other women at my table that night...we were talking about our midwives, one of them happened to have the same midwife as me! So, I told them what had happened....I wanted them to know how great our homebirth experience and my labor had been until it all changed. I still do feel proud of myself for laboring without drugs, It made me really see how strong I am. Anyways, I wanted these women to know that I am a Mama too! They were all so sweet...so very kind. I felt like I had done the right thing going there. I will try and go again this week...maybe I will last longer around a nursing mama.

Yesterday (sunday) I helped do some planting in our yard. We have a great landlady...she is more like family to us now. Anyway, she and a friend had been planning a garden, and so I helped plant some seeds and lots of wildflowers to fill in the dirt areas where weeds used to be. I ended up spending the whole day outside (i took a break for 1 hour, that was it!). I was outside from 11:30-6pm! For any of you fellow gardeners I have a question. The soil in our yard was tested, and there are moderate levels of lead...is it safe for me to be around if we are hoping to get pregnant again in the next 9 mos or so? If I shouldn't be around the dirt in the yard let me know, I don't want to take the risk!

I cannot believe I wrote this much, my fingers hurt!

All love and peace. Birdie, I love you...................
xo-Mama Erin

Today I went hiking for Birdie (with Macy of course)
CLICK HERE to read the writing on the image
Today Macy and I went hiking for Birdie. It was such a beautiful day here I couldn't believe it! Finally the gloom of this past weekend is gone, something that I and Matt needed very much. It was so miserable here last weekend, rainy, snowy, rainy snow...horrible! Depressing on top of being depressed!

Anyways, so yes today (and yesterday), were days to get outside and breathe the spring air and just enjoy life. Matty wasn't well yesterday so he didn't get to come outside and play, though he did sit outside for a little while, so he got some vitamin D.

I spent alot of the this morning working on our backyard which has gotten a little torn up...how you ask? Well there is this woman who is going to be gardening in our backyard with our landlady...and this lady while digging the garden plots was tossing many large pieces of cement and bricks into the back of the yard. I don't think she realized that when she was throwing the cement and bricks in the yard it tore up the grass. This made me feel a little sad because these things were just left in the yard with the yard looking kind of crappy. So, yesterday I started picking up the bricks and smaller cement pieces and began to make piles for bricks, cement and rocks. Anyways, the nice day today encouraged me to stack the rest of the bricks against the garage, so the yard looks a bit better after stacking the bricks and raking the weeds and torn up grass into piles.

Anywho, so today started out with my 7 week checkup with one of our nurse midwives.
Everything looks good, my uterus is shrunken down very small as it should be...I look really healthy she said. My ab muscles are still coming back together, but other than that I'm good.
So, I guess now we just try and be patient for 6 more months (since we are past march and april pretty much now) to try for another baby, a sister or brother for our Birdie. It's going to be hard to wait, but we both know for my health and the health of a new baby it's really best to wait to avoid even the smallest possibility of uterine rupture. It will be better to for our mental state after becoming pregnant as well.

So Macy and me went for a hike, as I was cleared to excercise again...I wanted to start with a nice hike in the woods around here, a fresh start for my body. Macy too needed to get out and she had a ball running up the hills and swimming in the streams! Seeing Macy that way always makes me smile and lauph, deffinately a good thing! I also wanted to go hiking with the intention of finding a nice tree that I could tie a ribbon on (a ribbon from one of the plants we got after Birdie died), then place some dried flowers and one of Birdie's remembrance cards on. I found a perfect spot. Below are a few photos from our adventure today. Being out in nature has always been something that I love to do, and now somehow it feels even more right to me, more special to be out there...it's like Birdie is everywhere...especially in the forest where you cannot escape the beauty, it engulfs you!