Results

So after much anxiety and having to wait. Yes, the office was closed yesterday...then on top of that today I had to wait for the doctor to call in to review my results because he is away for 2 weeks! After all that the bloodwork showed that the level only went up .1, I think that is right. It was 4.91 3 weeks ago and as of friday was 5.1. So, I am starting 1 tablet (100 mcg) of synthroid tonight (and every night) before bed on an empty tummy, and I have my blood work re-checked in 6 weeks. I do feel a little better knowing that at least I can start being treated for this. However, I did make my great concern known to the nurse at the endo's office when I spoke with her. She made it clear that in no way was the doctor making me wait (3 weeks) for no reason to have the apt I had friday. That if after looking at my chart (3 weeks ago) I should have come in earlier then they would have had me come in. So, I don't really know how I feel about all that...and perhaps we will do some doc shopping. I was told about a "more cutting edge" endo doc that is only about an hour from our house. He has written a book about hypothroidism and also has a video that I watched where he talks all about hypothyroid and he seems to really "get it". Plus he has a very holistic approach (i.e. diet, excersise, yoga etc) to treatment of hypothyroidism as well as using conventional medicines of course.

Anyway, I am feeling much less anxiety right now. So I feel good for now.

Damned Patriots Day!

So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!

This Different Spring

I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.

I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.

What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.

However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.

Warm Spring Air & A Little Anxiety

Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.

However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.

So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.

edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.

Hope.

To be honest I never did think that I would be in this place that I am in. I mean really, after Biride died, and we were "introduced" into a world we never really knew existed (dead baby blog land) how can I possibly allow myself to feel hope? I really don't know where it is coming from. Not that I'm not scared to death of the "what if's", but I just don't want to linger there. I know all about what could happen, but my mind just isn't letting me stay there for very long.

Birdie's death was an accident, she should be here right now. It was because of all of the time that passed when things became dangerous that she is dead. Perhaps it is my knowing this that has allowed me to get beyond being worried all the time. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe that's just who I am. I feel like to spend my time, my precious time being scared is not going to do me any good or this baby. I must feel thankful for right now, this moment and all moments of the day. I have said this before, but I know that really ultimately under most circumstances I have no control so I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

One day at a time, because I know deep down inside it could all go to shit tomorrow but why do I want to spend the time stressed out about it and anxiety ridden? I just can't do that.

So, for now I feel good. I feel hopeful. I do feel a little bit of healing in my heart and I am madly in love with this little beauty in my belly.

For those of you who were wondering when we found out that we were pregnant again, we officially found out on March 1st. So, we knew on Birdies 1st birthday. It took a while for it to really sink in, and when my belly started to stick out pretty soon after we definitely knew that this is really happening!

For the time being we are seeing the same care providers that we had been with Birdie, before we started to go to the homebirth midwives. So, we are under the care of the CNM's and Doctor that delivered Birdie. The very same doctor who tried in vain to save her life. We both feel very confident and so happy with the care we have already received. Our first pre-natal was nearly an hour long, and a week and half after it we had another appointment just so that we could hear the heartbeat. What a relief to hear that beautiful sound, we both cried through it. We were told right from the start that we can have anything that we want, tests, ultrasounds etc etc. I won't be induced (something I already knew) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Plus, our doctor and the CNM's are PRO VBAC, and that is what I want for myself to. My only concern is going to 40 weeks, I just don't want to get that far. I would be happy with 38 weeks, so we will see when the time comes. All in all we are comfortable with these wonderful care providers, we are close with them and they know us and remember Birdie so we are treated with nothing but kindness.

However, we are going to have a meeting with a midwife from the local "big" hospital. We want to do this just to see how our care might be different, how they approach a "patient" like me etc.

So, that's the scoop from over here. On thursday I will be 12 weeks. I don't want this pregnancy to go by too fast, but then again...I want to hear that beautiful sound of this baby crying...I want to look at my beautiful husband and see the tears of love, happiness and healing and I want to know, finally how it feels to hold a living breathing child that we have created together. I want to know this, and also think of Birdie and think how she might have been...and know who she always will be.

She is always in my heart and in my soul.

11 Weeks, 3 Days

Some photos to show our hope, to share with you a glimpse of how far we have come and how much my belly is pooting out already! Its bitter sweet to look at these photos, to see us smiling the same smiles we had when we were so happily pregnant with Birdie.

The Good News

It seemed as though the day would never come that I would be able to share with all of you that we had been blessed once again. Alas, the day did come and we are so thrilled. Of course we are a little nervous with all that we now know. However, we cannot allow our worry to consume us. All that we can do is enjoy this beautiful miracle, love this baby as we love Birdie and be thankful for what we have right now, today. Thank you for your kind words of congratulations...I am trying very hard to accept the congratulations. At times it seems like that word should be saved until after the baby is actually here, alive. Please don't think me ungrateful, I am, your all so sweet.

I have been trying to upload the recording of the babies heart beat that we have, but blogger doesn't seem to like it.

So, here we are again. Pregnant and trying to be positive. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the LIVE birth of this child. I have to be optimistic about this pregnancy otherwise I feel like I will go crazy. I know that it's going to be really hard at times to be positive, but I promise to keep trying, being and living this way. I do feel good about this pregnancy and I AM going to try and trust this baby. I just have to for me, for Matt and for the baby. I want to see the light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I need to feel and think that we will get to meet this baby in life.

Therefore, I understand if some of you might not want to hang around and read this blog. I know that for some the road has been too bumpy, and too scary. That perhaps my optimism about our subsequent pregnancy might be too much.

Birdie, your going to be a big sister! (we hope)

Remembering Riley

Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.

Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.

Home

So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.

I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.

Well, we made it through Birdies Birthday. It was a nice and quiet day, even as sad as it was it was a good day. The weather turned nice and sunny, so we got to take our walk and Macy was happy for that too. Thank you to all who commented or took the time to send us an email, your all so sweet to think of Birdie and us. I have been feeling some disappointment over the friends and family who didn't acknowledge Birdies Birthday. Some people surprised me with not even a note. It hurts. People that I was sure would remember what March 3rd was last year and will always be for us.

Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.

I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.

I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.

Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.

Happy Birthday Little Birdie.
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.


Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)

1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28

that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.

It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.

Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.


Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.

You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.

We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.

My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.

But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.

We will carry you with us always, even in death.

We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)

With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa

Labor

On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.

Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.

Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.

How We Will Honor Our Girl On The 1 year Anniversary of Her Birth

Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.

A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.

I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.

Angry

I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.

My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.

I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.

Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)

I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.

It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".

So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.

Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.

Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!

Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.

It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.

How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".

I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.

I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!

All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.


p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.

When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?

The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.

I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.

But no, this would not come to pass.

Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.

How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.

How will it feel?

Re-making Photographs.




I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.

They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.

I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.

As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.

Today, Last Year.


Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.

There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....


"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"


"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"


Give me a fucking break!

Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.

I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.

Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.

The Mourning Museum

Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.

My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.

So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.

To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:

MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present

"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"

There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.

So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.