Charlotte.

We love you and miss you.

I know you and Birdie are a pair of starz twinking, glittering and shimmering in the night.

Happy Birthday baby girl.

Every Moment IS An Opportunity to Love

This I do believe. Even when my life has gone on without loving my girl, she reminds me that every EVERY moment is an opportunity to love. Tonight, I had the rare luxury of reading one of my favorite blogs MereMortal and there Leigh was speaking to each moment as an opportunity to love, reminding me once again to stay in the moment, to love, to share love, to give love, to show love.

I feel this month slipping through my fingers, like the ending pages of a book, slowly and carefully I flip the last 2 pages. I think about all of the missed opportunities to love my girl in the flesh, and I pack all these moments, all the missed time, all the missed memories and I pour it ALL into my love for my sweet boy. I want to fill him up with all of the love that naturally pours forth from me for him, and then all the love that his big sister has missed earthside.

Holdyn is the greatest opportunity to love, he is all, he is everything, he is total and complete love.

As I watch him grow everyday, I see his understanding of love. How he interacts with his Papa and I. The way he snuggles in to me, letting me know that it is time to nurse. The way he places a gentle hand upon my breast to feel the warmth of my skin. I can't get enough of my boy. He brings such joy, such deep aching love to my heart.

Every Moment IS An Opportunity To Love

Alas, here we are on this 30th day of March 2010 on what would have been Birdie's 3rd year of life, her 3rd year of living and learning to love the world. Her month is nearly over and come April I will begin the countdown again.

I want to trust birth.

Have I come full circle about birth?
I don't know, but lately I have been feeling that I am ready, that I really, truly want to trust the birth process once again.

i do.

New Shoes.

Today, today. Today is March 10, 2010, today Birdie would have been 3 years and one week old. Today, 3 years ago she would have been one week old. Instead, instead her spirit was flying free all around us, her body had become ash and we had begun the dreaded process of intense grief.

Today, today. March 10, 2010 my dear sweet miracle boy got his first pair of shoes (real sturdy exploration type shoes!). I couldn't let him walk around in his winter boots any longer, or his wool booties. No, it's spring here (pretty much), and he is ALL ABOUT being outside, walking around (and riding on the bike with me), exploring.

His curiosity is contagious, it is so beautiful to watch his explorations. I just love to give him as much space as he needs...until he starts heading for the street!

Holdyn is a lover of the outdoors, there is no question about this and he is helping me to regain my love of the outdoors too. It's amazing what he finds interesting when we walk around the neighborhood or in the forest. Sticks, rocks, dirt, leaves, bark of a tree etc. He doesn't need toys, all he needs are things found in the natural world, right outside his door. Its beautiful, so beautiful to watch him bloom and blossom in this way.

Tonight, I am thankful for the beautiful weather that has allowed his curiosity to run wild, I am thankful for our home (near the forest, parks, bike path), for a very hard-working husband whom I love so dearly...and for the comfortable bed (and pillow) that soon I will lay my tired body and head down upon and curl up next to my dear, sweet boy. My Holdyn.

And so she flies.



I can still remember, when the nurse came in to ask what Birdie's name was for her birth certificate. It was the afternoon of March 3 and we hadn't chosen a name for our dead daughter. We had planned to wait to meet our baby before we made such a decision, it needed to be the right name.

Without a second though, Matt looked up at the nurse with tears in his eyes (he was holding Birdie) and he said "Birdie". It was perfect. So right.

Birdie had been her nickname from early in my 3rd trimester. We were lying in bed, feeling her kick and move when I said "Birdie", that shall be the babies nickname. And so it stuck, and then became a most beautiful, most fitting name.

Birdie, she flew away on March 3, 2007. As I lay on the operating table, I watched her go as I gasped for air. The white that filled my eyes, a most pure and true shade of brightest white was her, and as I lay there thinking that I was dying...she was leaving my body. Her sweet spirit, her beautiful peaceful soul was sending my body a message. A message that it wasn't my time to go, that I was meant to stay, to stay with my family. To create another beautiful life, and there she is, present in her brother every single day. Birdie is a part of the love that created him, she is a part of the love that I feel from him. She is a part of the love that radiates our family, that keeps me wanting to be close to Holdyn...

Loving you Birdie, missing you always.

3



3 is a magic number. We number 3 in this house, although we should number 4, 4 should be our magic number.

It's cold today, it's snowing. Conditions that remind me of the early morning of March 3, 2007 when we rushed (tried to rush despite the icy car windshield and roads) to the hospital.

Feeling low, feeling blue, trying to keep a smile as I think of the 9 months she was alive within me, wanting to smile because sweet Holdyn revives my soul.

How did we get here, to this day, 3 years later? We persevered so much trauma, so much dark mucky grief.

March 1, 2007.

Labor begins.
This is it, the beginning of the end.

A tragic and horrific nightmare.

I re-live it all, every year since.

And So It Cometh.

This dark and cold time of the year, so frigid, the land iced and yet my heart is warm and melting.

This is a sacred time, it is the time that 3 years ago I was feeling the wiggles of my beloved Birdie. My sweet little babe was still alive within my womb, healthy and waiting for her birth time.

No hearts were yet shattered into shards upon the frozen earth. No tears of sorrow had yet been shed. No. She was still with us, she was still with us...and o the terror, the nightmare that was too come, that would shake our world forever...that dark, dark terror that right now in this moment is so very present and writhing within me, even nearly 3 years later. I hold it close, I accept it, I let it come and shake me again and again.

Perhaps this year, the darkness that begins to fill my eyes and my heart is coming sooner than anticipated. Not until this morning at one of the weekly friday groups that me and Holdyn attend did I start to feel the longing, the sad longing that late February brings.

Today, as we sat and listened to other Mama's sharing thoughts of "Balance", I couldn't help but feel my still broken heart surface. I know that I am sensitive to things that I sometimes hear other parents say (and do), how can I not be? To hear parents complain about their living children is too much for me (even if they don't realize they are sounding this way)...it's that "if only they knew"..."if only they knew how fucking shitty life as a loss Mama/Papa/Parent can be". I see and hear things differently as a loss mama, there is no way around this for me.

Oh, how I wanted so badly to chime in, to speak from my heart, to remind these mama's that things really aren't as bad as they seem. I also felt like crying to hear some of the other comments I heard. For me to speak up would have be awkward and anger people. So, there I was, keeping my silence. I held my head low, starring at the ground and snuggled into sweet smelling, warm and tender Holdyn and whispered "I love you" in his ear.

And so, it cometh. Birdie's day and all the emotions and memories that the time between today and March 3 bring. It's getting heavy here. It's getting very, very heavy here.

Even though my heart is made lighter by the blessing of Holdyn's presence and his warm beating heart, my heart still retains a heaviness that never truly dissipates.

It's getting very, very heavy here.

This is a re-post from the Motherwear blog. I cannot believe what I have just read.

Breastmilk donations for Haiti not being used.

Reflecting the chaotic environment for aid in earthquake devastated Haiti, the urgent call for breastmilk donations issued by a number of organizations last week appears to no longer be valid.

Late last week the several health agencies issued a statement calling for a halt to the breastmilk shipments being sent to Haiti, and a Navy spokesman indicated that milk sent for use aboard the USS Comfort hasn't been used.

Time Magazine reports:

Through a complicated chain of communication involving various members of Congress, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and breast-feeding organizations galore, the Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA) dispatched two coolers' worth of donated breast milk to Haitian preemies being cared for on the U.S.S. Comfort, the floating hospital anchored near Port-au-Prince. "The fact that there is a doctor on board this ship who understands the importance of breast milk is just amazing," says Amanda Nickerson, executive director of the International Breast Milk Project, which arranged the shipment of 140 3-oz. bottles of milk. Quick International Courier, a New York City–based firm that specializes in out-of-the-ordinary cargo, handled as a pro bono matter the delivery, which involved dry ice and rapid-fire transfers between Southwest Airlines, a charter flight and finally a military helicopter.

The HMBANA cargo supplements what is likely the world's only nautical milk bank. When one of the pediatricians on board the Comfort, Dr. Erika Beard Irvine, realized that she had only three cases of formula upon arrival, she connected with breast-feeding Navy moms who had deployed and didn't know what to do with their breast milk. Beard Irvine is storing their pumped milk in the ship's freezers and feeding it to the babies under her care, including one preemie born on board.

...In the U.S., milk banks rigorously screen donors, then pasteurize, process and freeze their milk before distribution. When it's shipped to sick babies across the country, it's nestled in dry ice. Unrefrigerated, breast milk — like cow's milk — turns rancid.

That's why the World Health Organization, UNICEF and the United Nations World Food Programme issued a joint statement Jan. 21 that the necessary infrastructure isn't yet in place to utilize donated breast milk on the Haitian mainland.

MSNBC reports:

But the staff on the U.S. Navy ship [Comfort] said they haven't used the milk out of concerns raised by OFDA and other agencies. Mothers aboard the Comfort are urged to nurse their own babies and there’s infant formula available to children whose mothers cannot or will not breast-feed, said Lt. David Shark, a U.S. Navy spokesman.

I understand why it doesn't make sense to send donor milk to the mainland at this point, but I'm a little confused about why donations sent to the Comfort can't be used. The babies aboard the Comfort must be at at least a high a risk of potentially fatal complications like necrotizing enterocolitis as babies in the U.S. (see this video on how breastmilk prevents it, and this post on the cost of treating a case). Then again, maybe I shouldn't be too surprised. There are plenty of U.S. hospitals that don't use donor milk in the NICUs, and an emergency is probably a difficult time to convince people of its safety and value.

I also hope that this doesn't put a damper on the resurgence of interest in donor milk banking. Our milk banks have been experiencing a decline in donations due to H1N1, and they are still needed in many areas to help domestic hospitals care for their premature and critically ill patients.

I am posting this here because I can remember after Birdie died wanting to donate the precious milk that was meant for her. I was talked out of doing this. Now, with the ability I have to nurse my second born, my miracle baby (now toddler), perhaps I can do my part to save someone else's sick or prematurely born baby.

Urgent call for breastmilk donations for Haiti.

Here's a press release on breastmilk donations for Haiti, just released from numerous breastfeeding organizations:

URGENT CALL FOR HUMAN MILK DONATIONS FOR HAITI INFANTS

The Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA), United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC), International Lactation Consultant Association/United States Lactation Consultant Association (ILCA/USLCA), and La Leche League International (LLLI) are jointly issuing an urgent call for human milk donations for premature infants in Haiti, as well as sick and premature infants in the United States.

This week the first shipment of human milk from mothers in the United States will be shipped to the U.S. Navy Ship “Comfort” stationed outside Haiti. “Comfort” is currently set up with a neonatal intensive care unit and medical personnel to provide urgent care to victims of the earthquake. An International Board Certified Lactation Consultant stationed at the U.S. Navy base in Bethesda, MD is assisting with providing breast pump equipment and supplies to the “Comfort.” Dr. Erika Beard-Irvine, pediatric neonatologist, is on board the “Comfort” to coordinate distribution of the milk to infants in need. HMBANA, USBC, ILCA/USLCA, and LLL are responding to requests to provide milk for both premature infants and at-risk mothers who have recently delivered babies on board the U.S.N.S. Comfort, but an urgent need exists for additional donations.

At the current time, the infrastructure to deliver human milk on land to Haiti infants has not yet been established. As soon as that infrastructure is in place, additional donations will be provided to older infants.

Mothers who are willing to donate human milk should contact their regional Mothers’ Milk Bank of HMBANA. A list of regional milk banks is available at the HMBANA website at www.hmbana.org.

Currently milk banks are already low on donor milk. New milk donations will be used for both Haiti victims as well as to replenish donor supplies to continue to serve sick and premature infants in the U.S. Donor milk provides unique protection for fragile preterm infants. Financial donations are also strongly encouraged to allow HMBANA, a nonprofit organization, to continue serving infants in need.

UNICEF, the World Health Organization, the Emergency Nutrition Network, and medical professionals all recommend that breastfeeding and human milk be used for infants in disasters or emergencies. Human milk is life-saving due to its disease prevention properties. It is safe, clean, and does not depend on water which is often unavailable or contaminated in an emergency. Relief workers, health care providers, and other volunteers are urged to provide support for breastfeeding mothers to enable them to continue breastfeeding, and to assist pregnant and postpartum women in initiating and sustaining breastfeeding.

For more information, contact HMBANA at 408-998-4550 or www.hmbana.org . Additional information can be provided from the United States Breastfeeding Committee at 202-367-1132 (www.usbreastfeeding.org), ILCA/USLCA at 1-800-452-2478 (www.ilca.org or www.uslca.org ), or La Leche League at 847-519-7730 (www.llli.org).

I'm Not Always Who I Appear To Be

Tonight I met with a very kind and gently loss mama who's dear sweet girl died in October. She reminds me so much of where I was nearly 3 years ago, and as we spoke I couldn't believe where I am now. Can it really be, nearly 3 years since our Bird flew from us?

For many months now I have been feeling a great distance from my connection to Birdie, and I have been feeling a great amount of guilt. How could I let this happen? How can I bring myself to re-connect to that place within me? That deep well of a once shattered heart that became healed through the miraculous birth of a miracle named Holdyn...it still remains somewhat cracked.

Speaking with this very sweet babylost mama brought me back to places that I haven't been able to tap into for a very long time. To share each others stories felt really good, to cry together, to see the photos of her beautiful girl...

Meeting this mama was so important, and I hope that we will become great friends and perhaps I can help her find her way through the treacherous grief journey as my dear friend Carol helped me starting back in March of 2007, when I first called her and said, "I'm Erin, Birdie's Mama".

The title of this post, it is something that I have been pondering very heavily tonight. As I sit here, on my couch, excited for yet another new day with my sweet boy that I am sure will begin shortly after dawn. That I am not always who I appear to be...this is true. It seems easy I think though for people in my community of mothers to forget sometimes, where I am coming from. Holdyn and I have blended ourselves into the normalcy of our community of weekly Mama/Baby groups. At times I am just so sad about this because obviously, I have a child with me, but when we are asked to introduce ourselves I do not mention that I also have another child, a daughter who died and her name is Birdie.

I love the community that we are blending ourselves into, but as March begins it's approach I worry that my babylost mama self might rear her head if I hear someone complain, or say something that pisses me off. I will try not to sound off, I will try to remain composed and proper.

Why does it feel like I can't say that I am not only Holdyn's mama, but also Birdie's mama too? Why do I hide myself from my every day, every minute reality? The loss is ALWAYS with me, ALWAYS. Even if you can't see it, this is who I am and who I will always be.

Truly though, I am not always who I appear to be (and the woman standing next to you in line at the coffee shop might not either).

Happy New Year!

I have had so many posts in my head these last few weeks, but finding the time to write here has been difficult with my working part time at night when Holdyn is asleep. I get so tired while I work that I space out and just need to sleep when I finish my work.

SO!!! Here's just a little update.

Holdyn is walking, he started walking full on right before Christmas and he is now a completely confident little toddling ball of joy. He has also been saying Papa/Dada-ish words for a few weeks, and just a few days ago started to make Mama/Mommy-ish words and then...he stared to say Mommy! Mommy! It's so makes me melt every single time I hear him say Mommy!

We have a walking and talking little toddler! It's amazing and so joyful. My heart is so full, and of course I am bursting with love.

Our new home is becoming more settled with each week...
We are very happy, and so thankful for each other.

It's Been So Long

Much has been transpiring here in our little family. Holdyn turned 1, last month we became homeowners, and this past friday we celebrated Christmas for the 3rd time without our little Bird. I have been struggling a lot lately with feelings of guilt that I am not thinking of Birdie as much as I should be. Finding ways to incorporate her more into my life has become lost somehow and makes me feel horribly sad. Now that Holdyn is older and I feel more confident leaving him for a few hours at a time with his Papa, I have been considering going back to the support group that we had come to lean on very heavily in the months after Birdie died. The need to grieve for her is still within me, if I do not I am not being honest with myself.

I have so much to share about little Holdyn. He is amazing, so smart, curious and kind. He has such a beautiful soul and a gentle way about him, often I just sit and observe him and allow myself to become lost in his moments. He is re-teaching me creative thinking in this way. To just try something without a second thought, to become a child. Oh and how I love this little boy, this little light...to breathe him in and snuggle with him as we sleep is most amazing.

And now I shall go and do just that!

More soon, I promise.

p.s. Holdyn is walking! He started with a few steps about a week and a half ago...and now he is preferring to walk. I love it!

Fiona Clementine is HERE!

The Missing One and The Present One






These images of Holdyn are from a family vacation this summer to the Poconos. Many more to come soon.

I realize that it has been a long time since my last post, life has been beautifully full and busy with our little man. He is happily crawling to explore and observe the world around him (taking his time to start walking). Everyday he wakes and begins to chatter sounds, at times saying something that sounds like "dog", "shushhh", "glaaa", "teeeeettt" and so on. He is really trying out sounds and seeing how they feel to him. Holdyn is also starting to communicate using his sign language skills! His favorite sign is "more" when he is seated in his high chair (a beautiful vintage high chair that his grammie and grampy C. refinished for him!). He loves his high chair, and loves to be a part of eating with us at the table. We have so much fun eating and chatting and figuring out just what Holdyn is asking for.

In the last month or so we have put an offer on a condo, the offer was accepted and now we are in the thick of waiting to hear of the appraisal. If all goes well (all body parts crossed!), the closing will be November 23rd. I am hopefull this will happen. It will be so nice to have a change, to a new town with more green space to roam and a lead free environment for the wee one.

I have been thinking about Birdie much more clearly and truly (does that make sense?). What I mean, is that I think that I have found more moments of peace and quiet where I allow myself to be more still with her, to really focus and breathe her presence into my heart. Yesterday was one of those days.


After our wednesday morning music class, Holdyn and I walked to a nearby college campus (a beautiful campus with lots of trees, leaves on the ground...a pond...a rushing stream...birds etc.) While walking there, Holdyn fell asleep nursing. So, I walked us over to my favorite place to sit with him. A really great bench swing attached to a very large branch of a maple tree. As I sat swinging with Holdyn upon my chest snuggled in the Ergo, a big warm sweatshirt zipped up over us both...a cardinal came out of nowhere and landed in a wild berry bramble. The emotions began to flood within me, from my heart and spreading out to my legs, arms, fingers and through big wet warm tears. The sinking feeling that I used to know so well returned to me in an instant. For those of you who know what cardinals represent to us, you know why this bright red beauty of a bird caused my heart to swell.

I sobbed, as quietly and gently as I could for not to wake Holdyn as he slept so beautifully and peacefully. He awoke for a moment, looked up at me and placed his head back on my chest and fell asleep again. Of course I kissed his head and hugged him a little tighter.

It was a great relief to me to feel these emotions, having tucked them away for a little while (not on purpose). A great reminder of where I was 2 1/2 years ago and who I have become in this small expanse of time. A reminder to me that it's OK that I'm still not entirely ready to let go of Holdyn just yet (to think of going out somewhere without him/or having him leave to go somewhere is still heart wrenching for me).

Miraculous Healer!

Holdyn's 1st birthday is here...oh how bittersweet this day already feels. Lots to prepare as he slumbers during a morning snooze. So much to say, so much to say!

My heart is leaping with joy and memory and love.

Happy Birthday my sweet miracle!

Our Miracle.



I cannot believe he is here, asleep beside me. His little chest rising and falling with sweet baby breath. Nor can I believe that he will be a year old in a matter of weeks...

Everyday I fall more in love with this sweet little boy, our miracle. I study the way he observes life happening and unfolding around him. I want nothing but to be close to him at all times, this I cannot help (nor do I want to!).

Tomorrow this life that I am living could all end. So, I must take each precious moment to love and devote myself with all my heart and soul to my son. He is my healer and my guide.

Growing In Love.

This little boy...



This sweet little miracle of life and love is nearly 11 months old, and before we know it, he will be 12 months old. In the blink of an eye, my son will be one. It's no joke, that the days do go by very swiftly, though I still try hard to not let them drift away easily. Not without making sure each day is filled with fun, joy and boundless love.

This has been such an incredible year. A year of new life, and year of transition, of learning and growing. A year of loving and remembering, a year of bittersweet sadness mixed up, shaken and stirred with joy and hope and renewal.

This blog has been almost like a life-line for me at times. Without having the ability to write all my honest thoughts here and share them as I have and "hear" your response...or silence, I might not be as almost totally sane as I am able to be today. Though at times I may seem crass and harsh, my thoughts are raw, they are true and honest. I know that I might make some folks upset, and I apologize, I cannot help what is in my head sometimes.

Anyways, Holdyn is amazing...and he still looks like his sister. I will always think this, especially while he is asleep...he looks just like her. It's gorgeous to see, and gorgeous to hear each and every bellow of air that rises and falls within his lungs. I am still amazed by this.

I am thinking very much about Birdie these days, but having trouble finding the words to express my thoughts. I have been drawing a little bit when I can, that is helping me at the moment. When I have been thinking of Birdie, in my mind I see shapes...I don't know what these shapes are or represent, so I am trying to re-create them on paper. The drawings I have been able to get onto paper feel like they are the beginnings of something larger (very large scale drawings).





Anyway...it's getting late and I really, really want to snuggle up to my sweet little boy. So, I will close this post.

Goodnight. =)

MORE!!!

10 Months (these are a few weeks late!)