I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what I feel anymore. Last year was the worst year of my life. Neither one of us have ever experienced anything as tragic as the death of our own baby Birdie. Nothing. NOTHING! Last year just sucked, sucked sucked! My father got terminated from his job after 30 plus years! Thanks G.W.! You fucking piece of shit! There were also many other deaths, no babies, but lots of death & sickness. Oh what a dark, dark year.
To enter into a new year seems like a positive thing, then at the same time is really sad. 2007 was her year, it was the year she came to us. It was the year that we got to meet our little beauty. Oh and was she ever a masterpiece! Birdie was and is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and we made her. So, even in the darkness of the last year, we still felt the importance of being able to share with her our love when she was alive inside of me. Even in death we still share our love with her, and our love of her with others, as many others as we can.
I often think that I should be much more sad than I am. I mean I am still incredibly sad and I always will be, the tears still come very easily. I still cry for Birdie all the time. I guess that sometimes I get to a place emotionally now that I think about her beauty and how perfect she was and it brings me peace? Does that sound weird? Keeping her in the forefront of my thoughts and my being is perhaps what is keeping me going. She is just always there with me, with us. I wear her ashes in a beautiful piece of jewelry, I wear her photo around my neck as well for all to see. And now with our "Birdie Amiina Ruby" tattoos Matt and I will forever wear her name upon our flesh, and across our hearts; another way of "etching" our eternal love for her upon our bodies.
It is all we can do right? All we can do is make art to purge our grief, all we can do is say OUT LOUD and whisper her name softly, and say goodnight to her each night. All we can do is continue to keep her memory alive, and love her, and love each other.
I think that curtain of grief has found its final resting place, its about halfway open now. Its halfway open, and that is where I want it to stay. Halfway between happy and sad, because that it where I am at. In a constant state of happy and sad and I am ok with that. I feel comfortable with that, I accept it. That is just who I am now. Yes I am changed, I am not the Erin I used to be. There are sparks of me that fly up and out of me and into the air sometimes (and I am like Oh, I remember her!), but its only ever temporary. I am changed, and that is ok too. I would be changed if Birdie had lived right?
Who knew that one year of one's life could be so great and happy and innocent one day, and so utterly tragic and dark the next. I had fantasies of this past holiday being very different, full of happy smiling faces and a beautiful baby full of giggles and wonder. How naive of me, how naive. We didn't do anything this holiday, we didn't give a crap about it. Our New Years was just us and it was really lovely and quiet (we made veggie chilli, looked through our album of Birdie photos and cried a little, oh and drank a bottle of wine). I do hope for a better year this new year...this year of 2008 (an even number!). I am auspicious of even numbers even more than I was before (our wedding date is the 8th of Oct). I hope for HOPE this year, renewal and new life, new LIFE! I hope for all of you good things. With every fiber of my being, I do.
Fuck, I can't believe 10 months have passed. 10 months from holding her for the first time, I can remember how she felt. She was "still" warm and she smelled so good. She had that newborn smell that I had heard so much about and looked forward to. She was stunning, absolutely stunning and she was perfect...she was perfect except her little heart didn't beat.
Dear sweet Birdie, I miss you more and more every single day. Our hearts are still broken, and they always will be. We miss you fiercely and we speak of you so often. I wonder what you would be doing RIGHT NOW? That is all that I can do, wonder.
We love you Birdie.
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10 comments:
Erin,
That is a beautiful post. Its ok to feel both happy and sad, and to hope for a better year in 2008. I hope that for you as well. You will continue to honor Birdie in this year and all the others to come.
Halfway open.
I like that very much.
You have done beautiful things for your Birdie and I know she is singing for you, for the hard work that you and her Papa have done to keep her here with you. You honor her so very well.
You are in a beautiful spot.
I didn't know your wedding was October 8th.
I like that date very much.
Thinking of you of course especially today on the third.
Love
Carol
I read somewhere that it is only those who have experienced extreme sorrow that can experience joy to an equal extreme. That the sadness creates a well deep inside of you, but joy is able to fill that well to the same extent.
Birdie was truly, truly beautiful, and you will always hold her in your heart and soul. I hope that 2008 will the year you and Matt create another beautiful being, this one for the world to enjoy as well.
This is inspiring. I relate to so much you have said here, about being happy and sad and seeing glimpses of your former self.
The difference is, I haven't quite gotten to the point where I'm "ok" with it. It's inspiring to know that maybe one day I will be.
10 months. it seems like just yesterday....
I am hoping your dreams come true this new year. with all my might.
Your pictures are powerful and moving, Erin. I don't know what else to say; I just feel sad...yet hopeful.
I really love this post. What a beautiful picture of your sweet Birdie, and paired with so much sadness and hope. Of course she is always with you, bringing you moments of peace and tears. I know she must be so proud of the strength her mom and dad are showing, and she wants good things for you. I can't help but imagine all the babies who left too soon hanging out together and watching over us all...
I think "half-open" is the perfect sentiment. Your daughter was so lovely--and is so lovely, too.
Love, peace, and continued healing to you in 2008.
xoxo
Totally normal to gain peace from who she was even though you only had her for such a short time. And yes, you would have been utterly and profoundly changed either way. This change is more obvious; you are made more aware of it by her physical absence. If she had lived, the change would have been less meaningful, but just as dramatic. We always take for granted what we do not fully understand we can lose. When you stare that loss in the face, that thing parents all fear more than their own death, you have to be changed. I'd be terrified for you if you were not changed.
As others have said, the metaphor of the curtain half open is such an evocative image of grief, partly hidden, but always there.
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