Her Last Movements
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
20 comments:
Oh Erin.
I know you don't want to hear "it's not your fault" but I just want to share my experience: the day Jessica died, I was really sad and weepy for NO reason. She was still moving around at her normal times, but definitely less movement. This is normal in the days before the birth (happened with both mine) but, when I didn't feel her move at her normal time, i got concerned and called my OB. She said that is was probably nothing but that I sounded concerned (even though I didn't think i did) so she said to go down to the birth center for a NST. The whole way there, I kept telling myself it was silly, but it wasn't, she was dead. She died around noon that day I'm sure.
So, not to point the finger, but your doctor/midwife SHOULD have had you go for a NST if you were concerned. That is their job. We are not the experts, especially during your first birth where you have no idea what to expect really.
The other part is that I reallly feel these professionals failed you again. When your labor wasn't progressing, they should have had you taken to the birth center because it was my understanding that babies aren't meant to be under the stress of labor for long periods of time. They should have taken you in and given you a little pitocin to jump start those contractions again.
As for if Birdie was in danger, we will never know right? It's a little bittersweet that you/we do not have all the answers as to why our children died.
(oh, and the bowl thing totally does sound normal to me, depending on where the baby sits, it can feel like that and be painful, my friend had this happen to her and everything was fine, although they probably should have checked you just to be sure....again THEIR job as professionals.)
anyhoo....just my two cents. I know I replay some events over and over in my head but they never seem to make sense
argh, I meant "bowel" not "bowl"
Erin, you did the best you could at the time. You loved Birdie and never would have done anything to hurt her.
Two days before Georgia was born, I was worried she wasn't moving. The MW came and listened to her heart with the doppler. The next day, I had my regular MW appointment. But when I went into labour there was no heartbeat when the MW checked to see if we should go to the hospital.
I felt for months after that if only I'd gone to get a NST, Georgia would be here. But even the OB said that he was certain the NST would have been normal and that things usually go wrong very fast.
Almost all women report less movement at the end of pregnancy. And many first-time mothers simply have long labours. A large study in a peer-reviewed journal has found homebirth is just as safe as hospital birth for low risk women like you.
Of course we feel that we should have been able to protect our babies.
That doesn't mean that we did anything wrong.
Erin,
Now I feel bad being the one to have brought up the topic to begin with...
and to quote my husband in the situation where I wanted to squish his head, you shouldn't even think about this, because it's not true.
But really, I know where you sit, because I sit there, too. I also wonder. But here is the flip side. If you had gone for the NST, it is probable, and I mean really, truly probable, that she would have been fine. I was also told that normally things go downhill very fast, that even if I had been in the hospital when it happened, there would probably have been no chance to save her.
It wasn't truly your blissful ignorance that killed her. It was shitty, shitty luck.
But I beat myself up too, so don't think I'm lecturing you. Just telling you the intellectual side of things when you're looking at the emotional side of things.
Poor Birdie.
I am 36 weeks pregnant and just had a conversation like this with my doctor, about trying to prevent something like this from occuring. The doctor basically wasn't very reassuring, so it seems that it's not an obvious thing that your body would pick up if the little one wasn't doing so well all of a sudden.
I know it's natural to find fault with yourself for not knowing since you were so close and intimate with Birdie, but you did the best you could with the information you had, which is the most that can be expected from you. Please treat yourself gently...
Erin: May I ask, what was the actual cause of death? For example: cord accident, embolism in the cord, rupture?
You can blame yourself but it is not warrented. Perhaps it is impossible not to do some self flagellation. However, the HCP's are suppose to give you information on how to keep you and your baby safe. IF you had decreased movement and were concerned, why not get a nst?
However, hindsight is 20/20. I am so sorry for your loss.
Chris,
we do not know what the "actual" cause of death. The speculated cause is fetal distress, as when my water bag was broken it spilled out and meconium was very present. But again, a definitive cause of death was never given. No evidence showed any true sign of why, even after my placenta was tested. No sign of cord compression, nothing.
Going to the Birthing Center and having an NST was never suggested, and again I was given reassurance when I spoke on the phone to the homebirth midwife that it was "normal" to notice decreased movement, so that told me not to be concerend.
However, now I can see that I should have spoke LOUDER about my concern. If only, and if only I was asked if I wanted to go in for an NST.
Erin, you did NOT do anything wrong. Less movement is normal when you get so big and close to delivery. I use to work in the nursery years ago and of course then I have much contact with the OB dept. Sadly there were many stillbirths when people were in the hospital for their entire selivery. I think everyone who loses someone feels some kind of fault even when there really isn't. Why?? Because it happened and we don't have an answer sometimes. My sister lost her baby just short of her first birthday. She did have a heart defect and had heart surgery prior but one night she was being crabby which is not really unusual for a baby. She was rocking her and she took her last breath in her arms. She blamed herself so bad and so long as to why she didn't bring her in right away when she was crabby. There are so many times in life that hind sight is 20/20 but if really thought something bad was going to happen we would have done something right away. Please my dear, I know you have been through so much but please don't blame yourself. It's so obvious you did so many good things for Birdie, your love and concern for her has shown thru and thru.
We are all given an eternity of lashes by virtue of our children not being here. But none of us deserved it in any way. You trusted your medical care providers, and there were things you couldn't have known, especially with your first labor. The thing is that it is true that babies slow down in labor, and it is true that an NST early on would've likely given you an all-clear reading. It just happened, and there is no rhyme or reason.
There are, of course, things that made things worse but they were out of your control. And by that I mean the long wait for the doctor and the delay in paging that doctor in the first place.
Please don't blame yourself.
I just want to say what everyone else has. It's not your fault you couldn't have known, but I know exactly how you feel.
When I was in early labour with Jacob he made three or four odd movements lower down in my belly. Like his head was moving oddly.
I am now sure that is when he died. I didn't feel him move after that.
I torture myself with this all the time. The fact that I didn't do anything because I was reassured that everything was fine. I just sat there with my baby already dead inside me. That feels like my fault, like I should have done something.
It isn't, I know that logically but logic doesn't help any.
How could we have known what was happening? We had never done this before we had to put our trust in others and it is true that losing a baby at full term is so so rare that most midwives don't question that all is fine. The majority of the time it is fine. That doesn't help us one bit though.
Erin:
I went to TWO doctors (my OB and my family doctor) when I was pregnant with Alex. It didn't save him. I was SICK. The doctors weren't concerned and diagnosed me with a sinus infection. I later learned that the symptoms I presented with were typical of a uterine infection. If only I had known...
The fact is that pregnancy is treated as a "natural" event. You probably wouldn't have gotten any different treatment if you had asked for it specifically because you weren't high risk and there was no "need" for specialized attention. I have my own thoughts about the medical classifications of pregnancies into low and high risk, but I won't bore you with that right now.
All I'm saying is that hindsight is always 20/20. You can be superwoman in hindsight. But that's not reality.
I know how easy it is to look back and think "if only" and "what if." I do it myself all the time. But (though you don't want to hear this -- IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT). You were not the medical professional who's seen dozens of births. You were a first-time mom who couldn't possibly have known what was normal and what was not.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm so late in responding.
Erin, what you're describing about your day of labor with Birdie sounds so very similar to my day of slow labor with Samuel. It COULD have been normal, but the medical professionals SHOULD have listened and been more cautious with you. But what Catherine says is true as well. I hate that you're having to live without Birdie, hate that you're having to suffer these feelings, but so glad you're letting yourself feel all of it, only partly because I know you'll demand the very best and attentive of care for Birdie's sibling.
So much love to you. Both Josh and I think of you often.
You've been quiet on here lately...I hope you're okay. This post was so heartbreaking, just so heartbreaking. Honey, you're gonna hear story after story of all the mom's who insisted that something was wrong, had the NST, and still lost their sweet baby. A woman on my pregnancy board is one of those people, and one of the mom's from the preschool I worked at had the same thing. It doesn't make sense...it's always going to hurt. My heart is with you, you're always in my thoughts...
I am certainly thinking of you Erin.... wishing you well. It is obvious what a wonderful caring person you are and I'm glad I found Macy's mom also.;) Sending a hug....
Erin,
I am looking for your e-mail address and can't seem to locate it.
I am lying in the hospital being induced and waiting to birth my baby who has died in utero. I am nearly 20 weeks along, and out of nowhere my baby has just died. I am overwhelmed with grief and numb at the same time. I am reaching out to you to ask you to help guide me through this process. I understand if you are not able to offer this kind of support at this time, but if you could I would be so grateful.
My doulas have been phenomenal, but I wanted to make sure that I don't overlook anything.
We're planning the funeral, I'm having my baby baptized, and we plan on taking pictures. What else am I not thinking of? Any support and guidance right now would be sincerely appreciated.
Please e-mail me at fitzer21 at hotmail dot com if you can.
Thank you Erin.
Peace,
Tricia in Chicago
Erin:
You have been really quiet lately. I check in every day. Hope things are improving with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
thinking of you, matt and birdie today on her 11 month angelday
Thinking of you all today. I can't believe it has been 11 months.
We all do what we think is best with the information given us, and we never know till later if we were right or wrong. You labor sounds very normal. I know that it feels like you should have known, but I honestly don't think anyone could have known what was going on in there. Your story is a perfectly normal labor gone very, very wrong in very much secret. Blaming yourself won't help anyone, and won't let you live forward. Babies die in hospitals, too. They sometimes die exactly the same way Birdie did, and no one ever knows why. A slow labor, but things look normal, and then a heart rate drops and things get ugly. Sometimes they get the baby out in time and sometimes they don't. Sometimes, in medically directed cases, labor doesn't begin, and the baby is "overdue" and the Dr. says to wait, and at the next office visit there's no heart rate. Did she make a mistake? Or did she make a decision about care for that mother/baby pair based on years of experience that told her, statistically, that everything was fine?
Nothing about our existence, from the moment of conception to the moment we die, is guaranteed. NOTHING. That's what you've lost, really. The naive belief that we can keep it safe, make it safe, make it better, get what we want in the end, or at least something like what we wanted. The truth is we can't. Sometimes we get what we want, and more often we don't. All we can do is live through it.
I am so so so sorry that you hurt so much, and I wish I could make it better. I wish I could make you not blame yourself, but I know you have to work through this in your own time.
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