Angry
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
7 comments:
I know this pissed off feeling so well. I can't remember how many times I have said to Greg, "Why am I so pissed off?" and he looks at me with long eyes. "because you are sad," is the answer. The work of being just sad is so intense, and there is just so much to be mad about. Throw a plate. Yell at someone. Go ahead, be mad. You have a lot to be mad about.
xoxox
You have been dealt such a great unjustice, you are certainly allowed and encouraged to be angry and sad.
I can't imagine the pain the resurfaces around the day that might have been.
I guess I'll have to face that in a few months.
All we know is where we've been, not where we are going. And THAT is scary shit!
Thinking of you all, especially of your Birdie as her day approaches.
Have you thought about what you're doing for the anniversary?
Good point. What are you going to do on the anniversary? Also, don't worry about being harsh. I find it refreshing that you are not Pc about your feeling. Just tell us how it is. It's your blog.
fuck uplifting. what a shit hand you have been dealt. and you work so hard to see the beauty and joy in birdie's life. i imagine that sometimes its impossibe not to be utterly furious. breaking shit sounds good. or screaming. alot. angry artwork. rageful ranting. whatever you can muster.
your time will come. you will birth a baby that lives.
but that time should have been one year ago. and instead you have to wait. and mourn your daughetr. and wonder if it will ever happen. and that just fucking sucks.
I've been thinking of your previous post. It was difficult for me to read. I had a live homebirth. Women have asked me since if I would recommend homebirth, and my answer is, "only if both you and your partner can live with all possible outcomes." I know what it is to lay in my bed with a healthy baby and be terrified spitless knowing how close to the edge we both came....and returned. I don't know if I would choose to give birth out of hospital again. I do feel that it was the most strenuous physical task I have ever accomplished.
Baby boy has his birthday on 4 March. I think of you often. Birdie might have been walking, definitely laughing. She probably would love the outdoors, and be tuning into the sound of the spring time birds. I like to think of her spirit toddling beside you as you welcome the spring to your garden.
I hope my words do not offend.
MM
You have every right to be angry. You have be denied the chance to see your beautiful Birdie grow up. That is hard enough everyday with out her 1st birthday being so close on the horizon.
I have been thinking a lot about you over the last few days and will continue to do so. It would be good to hear how you are planning to celebrate Birdies day.
Much love to you x
It absolutely sucks...
Thinking of you today and always...
Love ya,
Meg
Post a Comment