The Story of Our Baby Birdie
By Birdies Mama
(To Be Published In The Alt3rnative B1rth Anthology, Volume 1)

Our first child, Birdie Amiina Ruby was born st1ll on March 3rd 2007 at 3:34am, she was pronounced dead at 4:10am. She weighed 9 lbs, 5 oz and measured 22 inches long.

For almost my whole pregnancy and even before I became pregnant, I always felt that I had a desire to have a hom3b1rth. When I was around 6 weeks pregnant we decided on a place for my pr3-natal care, a group of six reputable CNM's. After meeting the m1dwives I felt very confident, although I was still very curious about hom3b1rth, however we could not afford it. Since I was receiving state medical care hom3b1rth was just not an option. Yet still I wondered, would having a homebirth be a better choice? Would having our baby at home be a gentler, safer choice for me and the baby? Again, we were very happy with the care I and the baby were receiving from the CNM's, they were all so great. Then at a meeting with our D0ula, she suggested that she could make it possible for us to have the homebirth we wanted. She was apprenticing as a hom3b1rth m1dwife, and that m1dwife agreed to take us as clients. So, we made the choice together after asking many, many questions, and under the guidance of our D0ula. Around 36 weeks that we made the final decision, and my husband and I felt really good about it. We also made sure to discuss our choice to have a hom3b1rth with our CNM's, and they were supportive as many of them themselves had had hom3b1rth. My pregnancy had been so incredibly blissful, no problems, no worries. I enjoyed being pregnant so much, I ate an almost 100% organic diet, drank only filtered water and kept to my v3getarian ways with no problem. Nobody could see any reason why we should not have a hom3b1rth, and so that is what we planned on.

From almost the start of my pr3gnancy I had been "bl0gging" about it. It was an easy way for us to share with family and friends how I and the baby were doing. Every month we would post a photo or two of my belly, and share a little about how I was feeling or the activity of the baby. It was such a fun way to share my pr3gnancy and my excitement. Even up to the days leading up to my labor, I was still posting pictures and words on the bl0g. When my labor began, and then stalled. I was sure to share the news. Here are my last two blog entries before things really got going during my labor, the first is from the morning after I had had some "bl0ody sh0w."

Thursday March 1, 2007
MORNING UPDATE!

Hello how are you all doing out there in bl0ggerland?
Just a little update for you. Last night around 1:30am I had a bit of "bl0ody show".....yes my mucus plug as it is also often called began really making an appearance. To go along with it I had a few not to hard to handle "c0ntracti0ns", which I really prefer to call "rushes". I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep last night as my mind was whizzing all about with thoughts about anything and everything to come! Then of course the heating pipe in our room was making sounds, and Matt and Macy were sound asl3ep snooring.....and I had some intense c0ntracti0ns. I did however manage to fall asleep a few hours later I would estimate.....and I woke up and had some minor cramping at the most. I called one of our midwives around 9:30am to let her know what was going on, and she said to go about my day as usual and make sure to make time for resting. So, I am about to have some tea and take a lovely nap. So my dears, things are moving along.....I do ask that you sit tight though, this could take another day or so. All in good time.

It's really hard for me to read this. My words are so full of excitement and j0y. I can still remember how I was feeling at that point, totally elated and just so beside myself with happiness. Little could we have know what was to come, "All in good time."

Thursday March 1, 2007
EVENING UPDATE

We had a lovely relaxing day today...things had slowed as I think that I wrote in the last post. I was really happy to have my Matty home with me today, to spend time together...and for the chance that my c0ntracti0ns could pick back up at any point and things would get going on a regular pattern. Macy (our dog) also had a lovely day today with her uncle R0n, she is so tired out and it's very adorable. We just had a yummy dinner of home made organic pizza....with pesto, asparagus, mushrooms, Italian seasoned tofu, broccoli and some organic cheese. I also had Matt take some photos of my b3lly so that you all can see how much it has dropped, we don't have a mirror in our house besides the bathroom so photos are really the only way I get to see my b3lly other than the view I get when I look down! Things are still st@lled a bit....oh but a lot more of my mucus plug came out after I took a long amazing nap today. Ok, ok here are some photos from just a little while ago, and its just about 9pm right now.

That was my last post on the blog, my last excitement filled post....we were just so happy and beside ourselves. Every minute that passed was bringing us closer and closer to meeting our baby.

That night we went to sleep so innocent and so naive, and we didn't get more than an hour or so of sleep before my labor really began to kick in. The rushes were so mighty, so powerful. I could not believe how intense they were. I will not lie it was painful...but I kept telling myself that it was pain with a purpose and that I could endure it. I knew that I could, and so I did. I knew I had to ride it out, because I wanted to be able to feel everything about my labor.

I l@bored with her at home for 24 hours with our team of hom3b1rth m1dwives. I l@bored, and l@bored and l@bored. I was in the b1rth tub, in the shower, on the bed, walking around, moving my h1ps, taking a walk, back in the tub. I just did what felt right, whatever I felt would help to lessen the intense pain from the c0ntracti0ns. Now I question if the incredibly excruciating pain I felt was right? Was there something wrong and the pain was more intense than it should have been? Was it normal that I did not feel my baby m0ving at all during lab0r? The morning that my lab0r had begun and then stalled I mentioned that I had not really been feeling her move to one of our hom3b1rth m1dw1ves, as I did feel a little concerned about this, but she told me that this was normal. She said that when my body is c0ntr@cting that the baby "bears down" and does not really move.

When I was in the thick of lab0r I didn't even cross my mind to ask about this again, nor was I asked if I felt her moving...at least I don't remember being asked. I have questioned myself so many times about this, I have also questioned if what was told to me was right. Should I have been asked more about the babies m0vements, or non m0vements at that point? I know that all of those things are seen as "normal" in a hom3b1rth situation, but what if I had still been with the CNM's and called them and asked them about the baby not really moving? Would I have been asked to come in for an Ultras0und to check on her? Would that have changed the outcome? There are just so many questions, and we simple have no answers. No answers.

Then, suddenly after 24 hours of lab0ring at home, our baby's heart r@te b0tt0med out into the 80's. This occurred 0ut of n0where. Up to that point her heart r@te had been fine. Every 15-20 minutes it was being checked and every time it had been in the 140's, 150's, her heart rate had been healthy, normal whatever you want to call it. She had been fine, totally fine. She showed no signs of distress up to that p0int. Until she suddenly wasn't 0k, she wasn't handling lab0r well anymore. The midwives checked and re-checked her heart rate while I was in the tub and there was n0 change, I was immediately t0ld to stand up and they checked her heart r@te again, n0 change, they had me move onto the bed and lay 0n my side and there was n0 change. One of our m1dwives got on the phone and called our backup m1dwife 0n call, t0 let her kn0w that there was an em3rgency and we would be coming in right away. At that moment I became c0mpletely silent and even more focused on br3athing for my baby, I d0n't know if I was scared or in sh0ck. I did not really notice at the time, but I had also st0pped feeling my c0ntractions. My husband got me dressed, and we tried to rush to the hospital that is normally 3 mins away from our h0use. However, the weather that night was very c0ld and icy, so the windshield was icy the driving was sl0w...it took us 5-7 minutes to get to the hospital. Then when we arrived at the hospital em3rgency door nobody was there waiting to let us in, a minute or two went by before s0meone finally came to let us in. Then I, a very pregnant, and very much in lab0r w0man, with a baby is f3tal distress had to walk/wadle as fast as I could down the hall to the elevator to bring us to the B1rth C3nter. I did not think about it at the time, but why was there n0body waiting by that emergency door to let us in as soon as we arrived, they knew that we had an emergency situation and we would be there quickly. Why did the person who opened the door for us not have a wh3elchair for me? If they had had a wheelchair I could have been brought to the B1rth C3nter much more swiftly. It seemed as though right from the start 0ur situation was not being taken as seriously as it should have been. The 0B on call was not even paged until a few minutes after we got into the r0om at the B1rth C3nter. From the time we left the house to the time we got into my room at the h0spital 15 minutes or so had passed. How precious those moments were, they were the last minutes and seconds of our babies L1fe.

When we finally got into the room, things only got worse, they put a F3tal H3art Monit0r on my belly, and tried to find B1rdies h3art b3at and couldn't 0r they were not sure if they were getting my heart rate or the babies, they turned me on both sides to see if her h3art r@te would increase, it didn't (0ne of our hom3b1rth m1dwives moved the str1p around and found it, in the same place she had found it throughout my labor up to that point). The nurses then gave me an IV and 0xygen. I r3member the nurses were fumbling around doing all sorts of things, they had me m0ve from one side to the other rolling me on a sheet. They were trying to see if changing my position would help B1rdie, but it didn't. Nothing was helping, so then I was told to get into the knee chest p0sition. Sometime during all of this cha0s someone paged the 0B on call to come in, and then I was told I was going to have an em3rgency C-S3ction. B1rdie was in 0bvious d1stress, I was so scared for her and there was nothing I could do but try to br3athe for her. I was so h3lpless to do anything for this ch1ld that I had nurtured and fall3n in love with. So many th0ughts were going through my head all at once, so many thoughts that it was as if I was not even thinking. I was just so z0ned into my br3athing and trying to help 0ur baby survive. All the while there was my husband t0tally t3rrified and f3eling so helpless and scared. He didn't kn0w what to d0, but he was there by my s1de, he was there w@tching all of this unf0ld, and not knowing where it was going to l3ad. He kn3w that things did n0t lo0k g0od, and there was n0thing he could d0. N0t only was he sc@red for 0ur baby, but he was scared for me t0o.

When I was finally finished being pr3pped for surg3ry (the nurses could not even find the things they needed to pr3p my b3lly), as I was r0lled into the hall to the 0R, I was then t0ld that and I had t0 l3ave my husband b3hind. That is when the really d3ep f3ar and sh0ck set in. Up to then, I had been having this exp3rience with h1m by my side h3lping me and c0mforting me. Now our w0rld had become turn3d upside d0wn. How could we have gone from being so bl1ssfully happy to c0mpletely t3rrified about my l@b0ring this b@by? What the hell was happening? It was like the w0rst surr3al l@b0r n1ghtmare m0vi3 ever made, but it was really happening to us!

As I enter3d the 0R I really, really, really g0t scare3, and I was trying to keep 0n br3athing de3ply for B1rdie, I was trying so v3ry hard to s3nd h3r 0xygen she so d3sperately n3eded, and only I c0uld supply. I was still in the knee ch3st p0sition, and I r3member the nurses in the 0R fumbl1ng around some more, this time they could not get the h3art r@te m0nitor to w0rk. I r3member them saying things about the machine, and they could not tell if it was unplugged or br0ken. Then I was t0ld I had to g3t up onto the 0perating table (n0body helped me to do this) and I r3member thinking why isn't any0ne helping me do this, I am in l@b0r and this is an emerg3ncy and I am REALLY VERY PR3GNANT and awkw@rd. I had to get myself onto a small skinny hard surface, and lying fl@t on my back or any surface was a bad idea, and s0mething I had forg0tten that I should not do. Months earli3r at a check up with the CNM's as the m1dwife was listening to B1rdies h3art r@te I began to feel like I was going to pass 0ut, there was to0 much pr3ssure being put on my b@ck. I had to sit up immediat3ly, I was w0ozy, naseated, and sweaty. So from then on I always had a pillow pr0pped under the side of my back to prevent that from happening again.

When I think of what happened next in the 0R I wonder if lying flat on my back on the 0perating t@ble is what might have caused this situation t0 happen: After I got 0nto the table, and was lying on my back I was pr3pped for an3sthesia, and very shortly after I remember one of our b@ckup CNM's coming into the room and telling me sh3 was going to br3ak my w@ter with a f3tal sc@lp m0nitor, I felt my w@ter b@g br3ak and then I h3ard her say that there was n0 h3artbe@t, it was immediately after I heard that that I began ch0king and could n0t br3athe, I had been l0oking up at the L1ghts in the c3iling and everything just went wh1te...and I was still ch0king and trying to reach for my n3ck to signal to everyone in the room that I could not breathe because I was ch0king and could not scream, nor could I move my l1mbs...it was as if I was paralyz3d! I was t3rrified and th0ught I was dy1ng, thoughts of my b@by and my husband f1lled my mind and fl@shed by. Even when that was happening to me, I could h3ar everything g0ing on around me, people yelling my name, people trying to ask me what was wr0ng. Suddenly I started to br3athe again, as the ana3sthesiologist was b@gging me and that a1r rushed right into to my wait1ng lungs, then I could see again, and I saw the air bag on my face.

Almost immediately after I came t0, I was immediately given an3sthesia and the surge0n rushed into the 0R and began my emergency C-S3cti0n, she had 0ur b@by out of my b0dy in 3 m1nutes. B1rdie was b0rn at 3:34 am on Saturday M@rch 3rd. In the moments before the surg3ry, as I was ch0king and gasp1ng for a1r it was like I could feel my b@by, my daught3r leav1ng m3, when I lo0k at those preci0us moments in my m1nd and think about them really cl3arly and de3ply I can see that perhaps the reason everything went wh1te, and I started to ch0ke was because she was saying go0dbye, or maybe I was saying go0dbye t0o...maybe I was dy1ng with her and she w0uldn't let me go. She sent me b@ck, and she wanted me to see that beaut1ful and pure col0r of white that f1lled my eyes, maybe that was what she was s3eing through the lay3rs of my w0mb, that br1ght beaut1ful white. The 0B who perform3d my C-S3ction thought that I had had a se1zure due to t0xem1a, but after many many bl0od tests they found that not to be the c@se. I believe that what had happened was a m0ment of pure l0ve between me and my b@by. Her h3art had st0pped b3ating and she was L3aving me, I believe that 0ur c0nnection was so str0ng that she was able to sho0w me what she saw as sh3 was dy1ng ins1de my w0mb. She was say1ng g0odbye, and tell1ng me h0w much sh3 l0ved me; and that is the 0nly expl@nation I want to beL1eve.

After she was b0rn, the p3diatr1cian and nurses tr1ed to resusc1tate her for 30 m1nutes, they kept trying because when she was b0rn they saw she was st1ll s0 p1nk and looked like she had l1fe with1n her. They did not want to give up 0n her, but after 30 minutes they st0pped. I was told that the ped1atrician with tears in his ey3s went out to tell my husband that our b@by had d1ed. He told my husband that sh3 was "so p1nk when she was born, and she looked as though she was just th3re, like she had just had l1fe within h3r."

When I f1nally woke up from surg3ry, I saw and heard an 0R nurse and one of our backup m1dwives cry1ng, and I knew something was terr1bly wr0ng. I did not hear the sound of a b@by cry1ng and that seemed strange. I could f3el throughout my b0dy that something was wr0ng, something had happ3ned to B1rdie. It took me a few minutes to become c0herent, I was turning my head from s1de to s1de and then I saw my husband, and he said "B1rdie didn't make it." "B1rdie didn't make it." I did n0t beli3ve him, I couldn't b3lieve what he was say1ng. I wanted to scr3am but I was t0o w3ak.

My b0dy felt such immed1ate abs0lute l0ve and l0nging for 0ur darL1ng little b@by g1rl (we did not kn0w we were hav1ng a g1rl, we just felt it all along) and at the same time such de3p hurt1ng and sorr0w. A s0rrow that ach3d and still aches to the c0re of my b0nes. The CNM quickly went to an0ther ro0m to get B1rdie and br1ng her t0 us (she had br0ught B1rdie out to my husband after the p3diatric1an had given up trying to rev1ve her, but my husband want3d me to be the 0ne to hold her f1rst). She was s0 amaz1ngly and stunn1ngly beaut1ful. She IS amaz1ngly and stunn1ngly beaut1ful. What an incred1bly special c0nnecti0n we made when I first saw my beaut1ful b@by, I kn3w she was g0ne but she was st1ll so amaz1ng and she was 0urs. I could not bel1eve that my husband and I had m@de h3r. The immed1ate and 0verflowing l0ve for h3r was so p0werful, there are no words to descr1be that kind of l0ve. I have never been so struck by such an incred1bly p0werful, str1king em0tion. When I think about that first m0ment with her, I am br0ught right back to it and it f3els s0 real to me. Fr0m the first m0ment I t0uched her and h3ld her, I never wanted to let g0 of her b0dy, she felt s0 pres3nt even th0ugh her h3art was not beat1ng and she had n0 senses....I c0uld feel her there with me. I can try t0 write words to express my c0nnection with her, but there are n0 words for such feel1ngs and pure, raw emoti0n. It means everything to keep her in 0ur life t0gether, for us th3re is n0 other ch0ice. B1rdie, 0ur daughter is a hug3 int3gral part of who we are n0w, we m@de her...we gave her L1fe! She is alw@ys with us.


Its unb3arable liv1ng with the d3ath of 0ur b@by and I don't really know how we manage to get through each day, but we d0. We have each 0ther and great support around us when we need it. The magn1tude of what happened has begun to sink into our m1nds, and some days are hard3r than others. Some days I barely functi0n, I just feel so s@d and depr3ssed and helpl3ss. Everyday I replay what happened, and it is still very cl3ar for me. I can stay in any 0ne of the moments from when things started to look bl3ak, to when I knew I was going to have an 3merg3ncy C-S3ction, to feeling like I almost d1ed, and then after waking from the surg3ry and seeing my husband and him telling me "B1rdie didn't make it". It's a bad dr3am and we are L1ving it. I have gone from being a r3ally happy person full of L1fe and excitement to a person who d0esn't really care if I get 0ut of bed some days. Without the de3p l0ve of my husband I could not surv1ve this. Shortly after we got h0me from the h0spital, I received a letter from a dear friend who l0st a b@by in the past year to m1scarriage. She l0st her b@by in the 2nd tr1mester. In her letter she told me her family is befr1ended to His H0liness The Dalai Lama. After the l0ss of her b@by, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to s0meone who loses a child. In response he said:"Be1ngs are only in this world to work out their Karma." What a simple and beautiful thing to say. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I hold onto this, and it helps.

There was a moment when we were st1LL in the h0spital and had B1rdie with us, that I kind of th0ught something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. I had started thinking ab0ut how my husband and I had made her, and I was so bl3ssed to be able to have felt her m0ve ins1de me, that she was (and st1ll is) 0ur b@by, she had been al1ve with L1fe, energy and m0vement! She had 9 m0nths with us, and we had 9 m0nths with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out.

All in all, B1rdie had life ins1de my w0mb. I know she was a happy b@by and I know she felt and can st1ll feel the tremend0us l0ve we have for her. She is such a special chi1ld...our sweet little B1rdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.

Birdie we love you so ENORMOUSLY!


Side note:
The c0mmunity h0spital B1rth Cent3r that we had as 0ur backup has a p0licy that the 0B can live up to 30 minutes away, so if there is an em3rgency they are paged to c0me in. We feel like its abs0lutely redicul0us that this p0licy exists, because it took a lot longer than 30 minutes for her to get to the h0spital early that icy crappy winter morning. I have since asked if what happened to B1rdie, could enc0urage their policy to change. In the case of a true em3rgency in the middle of the night like B1rdie's was....30 minutes is TOO MUCH time! Now I question th0se 30+ minutes, that span of time waiting for the 0B to get to the 0R to save our b@by. Simply put, it was to0 much time, B1rdie never had a chance. H0spital p0licies where the exact thing we were trying to av0id with having a hom3b1rth! It seems like either way, 0ur daughter did n0t have a chance to L1ve.

In the hours and days following B1rdie's d3ath we were treated with greatest and most gentle care by the nurs1ng and m1dwives at the h0spital. We were assigned our own nurse each sh1ft and they were all just s0 sweet to us. We were enc0uraged to keep B1rdie with us in our r0om as long as we wanted, and we had her with us for 3 days. For h3alth reasons after 3 days she had to g0 to the m0rgue to be c0oled. Those three days were all we had to make mem0ries with her, and we did. We were als0 encouraged to take ph0tographs, and being a ph0tographer that was something I felt I had to do. One of our hom3b1rth m1dwives also contacted a ph0tographer from the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization to come and ph0tograph us as a fam1ly. We feel so lucky to have the many ph0tographs of her and her with us. We also feel glad that the B1rth C3nter staff was so kind and sens1tive and enc0uraging of us to have her with us in our ro0m. We could not and would not have been able to just let them take h3r away, we needed that time with h3r. We needed to see her and h0ld her as much as we got to in those 3 days.

I also want to say, if you are thinking or planning to have a hom3b1rth, please check ahead of time with your m1dwives about the p0licies and pr0cedures of the back up h0spitals and CNM's that they w0rk with. Or be sure that your m1dwives are aware of all of the p0licies of the h0spitals that they work with. Our hom3b1rth midwives were n0t fully aware of the 30 minute policy of the O0B living within 30 minutes of the h0spital should an em3rgency situati0n happen.

August 6th, 2007
It is now 5 m0nths since B1rdie d1ed, and we still have n0 answers for what happened. There were n0 signs of anything 0n my plac3nta, or the c0rd. I think that sometimes the intensity of lab0r for some bab1es is just t0o much, and for B1rdie it was. Maybe it had something to do with her size, 9lbs 5 oz, 22 inches l0ng! She was a big g1rl, a big and very str1kingly beautiful b@by. We miss her s0 much, every moment, every second. The pa1n is not as close to the surface all the time, but is s0 very easily found there. It is still so easy to look at her ph0tos and just cry and cry. This exper1ence has shaken us to our c0re, we have l0st our inn0cence about pr3gnancy and b1rth, we have l0st the bL1ssfulness of l@bor and the excitement of anticipation of b1rth. We are no longer na1ve. I want to add that what happened to o0ur b@by is not as rare as people might th1nk, there are a few st1Llbirth studies out there, some say st1Llbirth happen to 1 of every 115 b1rths, some say 1 of every 150. Whatever the real statistics may be, it happens more 0ften than you might think. Although more often st1Llbirth happens in the hospital, it also does happen at home, and it can happen while in l@bor.

Birdie Is Making Her Presence Known

It's been a long while since I have posted. I just haven't had too many words to say, but I have been thinking a whole lot. In the past few days DH have had some wildlife encounters that are obvious signs of Birdies presence.

Today I got an email from DH and this is what it said:

"This is exactly what i saw at work today. I saw a fluttering and
looked up and it was just landing on the sill outside. It stayed for
a while long enough to let me take its picture and then flew away...
oh birdie, we love you too..."

Here is the picture he was speaking of:


Matt's desk is right along 3 huge windows...so he gets to see birds, butterflies etc.
Today, a butterfly just happened to land right on the windowsill....it just happened to land right next to his photo of Birdie that is on his desk.

Yesterday while I was outside in the yard putting out bird seed I had a bird fly in between my legs. It literally flew in between my legs...I had shorts on and I felt its wings gently brush against my skin. After that happened I was just standing there lauphing, like holy crap, did that really happen? What are the chances that someone is out in their yard and a bird just decides to fly that close to them....or between their legs!

Birdie may not be here in her baby flesh, but boy does her spirit follow us around and she sure makes her presence known! We absolutely love it!

More to come...I need to finish my work week....its so distracting, I just want to write about Birdie!

Surrendering To Surrender

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/9471.html

A Glimmer of Hope, Yes Hope

I am not sure how or where I am finding feelings of hope, and how hopelessness is falling off of me. Never the less it is, at least for today, at least for this moment. I can find some clarity through my grief. I can think about her and smile a smile of joy and love for her. I can see her so clearly in my mind, I can go back to the first moment that I saw her and held her and kissed my precious baby girl. I can go there and the piercing pain is not as strong, it still hurts...but just not as strong. At least that's how I am feeling this moment in time, on this day. Gosh how I think about her, I cannot stop thinking about her today and I don't want to. I should be doing work, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I just need this time to be with my memories of her, some days I just need that.

This past week I have been thinking a lot about the details of her birth, the moments leading to it, all the empty space of time that she was still alive inside me...all those empty minutes that she could have been lifted from my belly and possibly resuscitated. All those empty minutes represent a missed opportunity for her, and for us. I am stuck on the stupid hospital policy of the OB on call being able to live 30 minutes away...well this time that policy failed, it failed the life of a little baby and her parents. It failed. It tragically failed.

I have been thinking about Birdies last moments, was she still alive right before I went "under" for my c-section? Was she still alive...and if she wasn't (because I remember the nurse midwife saying there was not heartbeat) just before I went under...why couldn't they have just stopped what was happening and let me deliver her myself. There are simply too many questions, to many spaces of time where opportunity was missed, and there are not answers and nobody to take ownership of the moments. There is nobody to take responsibility and give us back those precious moments, last moments of Birdie, when we were still connected and living for each other.

Now I live for finding hope, her life and her death are bringing me hope. Maybe this sounds weird, but I don't care. I can't help but have this hope in my heart. I just have to. Maybe it's hope that she could be reborn to us, I don't know. Maybe that is crazy talk, but I did hear about a mother who's child was reborn to her...and its a very lovely story. I guess I feel the ultra deep and strong connection to Birdie still, like when I was pregnant with her. Its still there, its still as strong and getting stronger. I feel her with me all the time. Maybe she's waiting for re-birth...maybe our Bird will fly back home.

Meme Tag From A Good Friend

So, I have been tagged for a Meme from a good friend, a fellow boxer lover, boxer hero I should say. She is Claudia, and she is the boxer angel who delivered our Macy to us after we adopted her from Green Acres Boxer Rescue back in 2003...I think it was 03' when we were living in Wisconsin. Anyways, Claudia Claudia thank you its been a while.

I am a Mama! I am Mama to a beautiful baby girl named Birdie Amiina Ruby...she died on March 3, 2007

I am 29

I was (am) 0v.ulating?

I am finding a place of calm in my grief
(I am not sure how, but there is a stillness and a sense of quiet there...)

I am more in love with my DH than ever
(since our daughters death we have pulled together more than ever and neither one of us is letting go!)

I am ready for a subsequent pregnancy
(I have gotten to a place of feeling o.k. about this, I really am ready, I know it now...but DH is not, I don't think--we haven't actually talked about this in a few weeks--I am trying to give him more space about it)

I will NEVER forget my precious first child, Birdie Amiina Ruby

I am scared to go into labor, and be in labor again.
(how could I not be after such a tramatic and tragic end to something that is/was so natural)


I want to tag Missing One

0v.ulation, Exhaustion and Distance From The Past

How do I think of these titles, I have no idea. I guess they stem from the feelings that I am having when I actually sit down to post to this blog.

DH and I have been having some really good days and nights together. We had a really long conversation last night. We talked over something that happened 3 months or so ago, something that hit me hard and has stuck with me. I can't seem to shake it, but I am doing my best to for him. I love my DH so much, and in the throws of romance....that deepest love has begun to make me cry...again like I did when we were first together. I just cannot put into words how special he is, everything about him, EVERYTHING!

So, you might be wondering about the "O" word in the title well my dear friends it seems that I might be 0v.ulating. Yes, I am 0v.ulating and I can feel that I am. This is new for me, I never was able to feel when I was actually "0"-ing before. Today is the first day that I am able to tell, and it is exciting and sad. Exiting for what could be...and sad because its just not the right time. I mean of course I am still obsessed with wanting to be preg0, but DH is being the strong one about it and not allowing that to happen. Geez, and I thought I would be the one to put the brakes on!

Anyways, so yeah that's going on...and I am feeling really really tired. I am tired out psychically and mentally. I met with a really good friend today, someone who I knew in high school and has come back into my life and I am so glad that she has. I mean, I would rather she hadn't under the circumstances of what we have in common, but she is and I am thankful for her. We shared a lot about each other stories, filling the blanks about family etc. It felt good to tell her the whole story of what happened with Birdie, as there were some pieces she did not know about. Like the 30 or so minutes that it took the surgeon to get to the hospital (its a community hosp. and the doc's are on call at night-not in house). Oh those 30+ minutes are painful to think about, that was just too much time...too much time for Birdie. Sometimes I wonder, if the doc had been in house, or if the policy was such that there was just always a doc in house! Maybe Birdie could have been saved. Then, again she wasn't and we will never know.

Anyways, it was good to talk with her. It's been a while since I have met up with a fellow mum like her. Something I need to do more often. I always leave my other mum friends feeling good, like such intense talking about our babies brings their spirits together with us. So, I got a lot out today and I am tired.

Today I have also been thinking about the time that has passed, 4 months 2 weeks and 3 days...I can't believe that. I can't believe how far from Birdie and her birth we are. Its all too surreal, I mean really.

I was happily pregnant for 9 months, really? Was I really? I went into labor? Really did I? Then the nightmare of Birdies heart rate dropping out of the blue (their were absolutely no signs to allude to anything wrong before then--that happened 24 hrs into labor), Then I moved into different positions, standing, lying on my side...then, we were rushing to the hospital...fumbling nurses...Oh there's Birdies heartbeat-I think...knee chest position...wheeled into 0R...get yourself onto the 0R table...lay on your back (bad idea--bad idea!)...supposedly have a seizure.......choking, flailing....anestesia....wake up....

the room is too quite, why is it so quiet?...and why do the nurse and the nurse midwife have tears in their eyes?

Why, what?

Oh no, something is so wrong...oh no...

I Turn to see DH and he says, "Birdie didn't make it"

WHAT?

Your LYING, YOUR LYING!

that room was so silent...so silent...so silent...SO FUCKING SILENT!

And then I saw her...for the very first time, the most beautiful, perfect little baby...the baby that we had created, and she had to fly away.

Oh how I long to hold her again...oh how I long to create another baby with DH...oh how I long to give birth again, to a living child...a sibling for Birdie, a very special, miracle baby sibling for her to wrap her spirit around and protect.

Birdie, we are thinking of you so often. You are growing more and more into our hearts and lives. We miss you fiercely, and love you just as fierce.

A lifting, some clarity....somehow

Today has been a really rainy and dreary day. I don't mind rainy dreary days, I actually like them and I happily welcome them. So I have been thinking a lot about my last post and some of the comments that I received about it. Thank you for the comments by the way. =)

I think that maybe I am finding a small, tiny sense of healing. The gaping hole of a wound in my heart and mind are slowly mending. All of the wound licking I have been doing, the intense grieving, soul searching, and life questioning is helping. This week has not been so bad for me as you can tell by my posts. Last week was the darkest I had felt since the weeks following Birdies death. I was on really shaky ground, and I think that all the purging I was able to do through my writing helped a lot. Again, the comments from you who commented was nice to read too.

The house is quiet today, its nice when its so quiet that I can think clearly about Birdie. At the same time it's a little stinging because it is so quiet...there should be a crying baby in this house. There is a baby in this house, and her body is ash and she lives in an urn and in a charm that I wear around my neck. There is a baby in this house, a baby spirit who fly's around and occasionally turns off the tv when we are watching a movie (we don't have cable, but watch many movies). Yes, there is a baby here but not in the flesh only in spirit form.

The other day I realized that plants I bought when I was pregnant with Birdie had died. I bought a few plants while I was pregnant with her, to start a plant collection...plants to grow as she was growing. Since she died, these plants started to die, I would water them as I always had been, no more no less. They were in the same parts of the house that they had been in, and still they began to wither away. Just this past weekend I finally threw the last of the plants away. I could not believe plants that had thrived for so long and looked so healthy could just wither away. Much like my very awesome pregnancy, my very healthy child...who in the end did not make it, she did not stay alive. I could not believe the strange coincidence when I thought about this yesterday, Birdie passed and so did "her" plants. Now we have many plants that were given to us after Birdie died, and wouldn't ya know they are all thriving and healthy. Even the many outdoor plants that I went crazy buying are doing really well. Its strange.

This weekend is my birthday (the 21st) and I am not exactly wanting to celebrate. Nor do I really want people to say "Happy Birthday", its just not going to be a happy birthday without Birdie. Just to be with my DH and family to spend time. We are going to go back to The Path of Life Garden in VT, that is something I am looking forward to. We are going to bring some of Birdies ashes to spread as well. I feel that being there will bring me some peace on my birthday...some much needed peace.

Indifference and Contemplation

Sitting here in front of this computer and just thinking about what my life (our life) is now and there is just blank empty space. Maybe this is because I am on my computer too much, well I can't really help this because I work from home. I am lucky to be able to do so. I was fortunate to get this job because it was going to allow me to be home with Birdie, to be here for her, to take care of her while DH was at work. Now here I sit everyday typing away on this keypad, taking the occasional long walk with our dog and occasionally checking in on the other mama's that I have befriended in these last 4 or so months since Birdies death.

About Birdies death, I have been contemplating this so hard, so much...just trying to find any glimmers of why this could have happened. Of course I cannot, and nobody will find any answers, ever. Some days I wonder if doing an au.top.sy would have given us any more clues, but she had been through enough. Her little body was just so sweet and limp, and she looked so peaceful. Even if we had those answers would they help us? With our next pregnancy we are going to be scared no matter what. We are going to be scared, and people are going to worry about me, and the baby. I think that I am fearful of that worry that others will have, and I feel concerned for how that could effect me and my stress level. With Birdie people would ask how I was feeling and "Is the Baby Moving, Kicking?" That was fine, but now I know that some were asking me out of deep worry...and that is a little distressing to me. So, I fear for the worry of others upon me with our next pregnancy. I know we will already be feeling extra stress and concern of our own, I just don't want to know that much about how worried others will be. It's like that worry is already an entity that is all consuming. I don't think that it's healthy or productive, only stressful and unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed that people care so much that they worry, but in a situation like pregnancy, and labor...I am going to need, and DH is going to need to find a place of safety where extra worries and concern of other will not compound upon us. I just hope that people will seek refuge for themselves, find another outlet for their worrying over our next pregnancy.

Simply put, we will have enough on our plates. I am going to want to keep to myself as much as possible, more like hibernate. I think that is how I stayed so calm and content when I was pregnant with Birdie, I was working from home and making my own hours and just taking it easy. That is what I want to have again. Total peace and quiet, being able to relax and enjoy every moment. I hope to find some sense of "ok" and peace with our subsequent pregnancy. It may sound cruel, but for me, for the baby for us...being in solitude, quiet, alone and together (DH, I and baby) seems like the best choice. It is a choice that we will be lucky enough to have...

So, I have to ask and I know it will be hard...please don't worry for us. We will be ok, we simply cannot control fate, or the path's chosen for us...as much as we would like, as much as we would have liked to save Birdie we could not. As it turns out it is not anyones fault. Believe what you want, have ill feelings if you must, but that is reality, its nobodies fault. We are all simply riding on the waves and crests of life and we cannot control them. That is part of what makes life so beautiful, the unknown. Sometimes that unknown is scary and very hard to bare, but it is what it is. Birdie does know this, she is an enlightened one...she is a little Buddha. She is nature. She had a beautiful beginning, and it pains me a little to say...ultimately she had a beautiful end. I say this because she felt no pain, no suffering...she began as enlightened being and she left in that way, she will never have to know pain or suffering as we all do in this world we live in. She showed me this as she left me early that morning in the OR...I felt her leave, I saw her leave....and she did not let me leave. I don't think that there is any lesson to take away from her death, but there is a new way to see life. To really see the beauty in it. To not take each other for granted, to not fight over that which is meaningless, to not waste our time and energy on negative thoughts which cause pain and stress and suffering. Embrace your life, embrace those around you.

Birdie, my little Buddha...you are so pure of love and light.

We love you tremendously. Thank you for coming into our lives and sharing with us such beautiful wisdom, your pure innocent baby wisdom.

Our Grief Is Intense, Please Don't Worry...Its Completely Normal

Just want to put this out there to any friends or family who still read this blog (I have no idea if any of you even bother to anymore). Please don't worry about the intense things that I say. These feelings we are experiencing, are dark and they run very deep. This is just our grief, I assure you will still have a handle on life. We cannot help but feel what we feel, we are allowing our grief to move through us naturally. We are seeking out a therapist. Please, don't worry.

p.s. you should also know that DH or M and me have pulled closer together, we have not pulled apart. We are supporting each other and talk a lot. We talk a lot about Birdie, what happened and the future. Somehow we are able to think about the future in this dark mess of guilt, anger and sadness. We are doing ok, considering.

Desperate, Sad, Depressed and Longing for The One That I Couldn't Keep

How did my life take this wretched turn? My life has turned to shit. My heart is mush and I am not sure how it can keep breaking when its so broken. My head is a gaping hole where only darkness can be found. My body is aching overtime for the one who I could not keep, but still cling to so desperately. Yesterday I was reminded of something that I had not thought about in a long time. After Birdie was born and hastily handed to the pediatrician, he and the nurses tried for 30+ minutes to resuscitate her...they tried for so long. They tried because she looked as though she could take a breath at any minute. When she was born she was still very pink, and looked like she just needed some help to get going. It was like we just missed her, she had just had life in her body, and we just missed her...she had just left.

If the weather that morning had not been so icy and foggy...maybe she would still he here. She tried to hang on as long as she could, but then she couldn't wait any longer. So, this makes me think that she was supposed to stay. She was not meant to leave us so alone and broken.

After the pediatrician stopped trying to resuscitate Birdie, I was told he came out of the OR with tears running down his face. He was so upset because she looked so ready to take a breath...that precious first breath of life. He couldn't understand why she didn't, and felt as though life had just been in her. Well, it might have been...but the time from when we got to the hospital, to when the surgeon was paged and got to the OR was just to long, it was around 35 minutes. Way too long...way too long. Its just so unfortunate that there was no surgeon just there, in house and ready to go. That could have saved our baby's life! However, that is just not the protocol of the community hospital. That breaks my heart, and scares me too. Its that "best of care" thing that just doesn't happen in this country. Instead we get the "ok" medical care. The hospital birth center just should have someone in house round the clock, period.

We have been told for "the next time" that the surgeon/OB will be there no matter what. I can have whatever I want etc...It's so shitty that wasn't the option this time. How different things could have possible ended...and begun, our daughter might still be alive. She might be here with my right now at home.

Instead she's not, and instead I sit here crying my eyes out with my snot running down my face. Instead I am filled with guilt, with hate and the deepest darkest sadness. Instead I am filled with desperation and longing. Instead I am missing the one I had been waiting for for so long...the one I was so careful with while she was in my womb, the one I loved and nurtured and couldn't wait to meet. The one who we read to, played music for...the one precious life that we had created and fallen in love with without even seeing her. We loved her so much as soon as we knew she would become a huge part of our life together. Birdie, you were always so cherished, so absolutely loved. There is not a moment that we don't think of you and long for you. I am so sorry you died, I am so sorry. If I could have taken your place and let you live on I would have.

To my dearest DH if you are reading this, I am so sorry if you feel like I have been pressuring you. I just, I mean I don't want to pressure you. But, I just want a subsequent pregnancy so badly. It breaks me, it breaks my heart to even have to want this, but the truth is that I do. Its just such a hurting an aching inside me. I was so ready to be a mom to our Birdie, to our baby in the flesh. Now that she is not here in the flesh, that need does not stop, it has only grown larger. That need eats at me, at my soul at my own flesh. It runs so deep, I cannot explain it in enough detail. To know that another baby could be that much closer to being here in the flesh with us could ease some of that aching for Birdie. Not as a replacement....nothing will ever replace the preciousness of Birdie, not ever! I need to feel the flesh of a baby we have created on my skin, I need to hear the cries of a baby we created so badly, I need to feel the breath of a baby we have created...I just need this so badly. My longing for another baby...and living baby is so strong...its just so strong. I'm sorry DH. I know your not ready, it's so hard to meet you halfway on this, I don't know what else to do.

It feels like no matter how long we wait, there will still be risks involved. We are on the other side of statistics, so it seems they don't really matter anymore. We have seen, we have lived and are living on the other side of all of that. I know you are scared, and so am I. I am terrified about all that could happen again, or differently...but I also know that as scary as it all seems and feels and looks we have to move through it. Why I am so ready to take this all on, head on and steadfast I have no idea....but those feelings are running strong in me and I cannot seem to tame them. Its like something, some force is ready to pull me through it. To guide me on the journey again, differently. Our subsequent pregnancy will be scary, no matter when it happens, when it begins its journey. DH I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to feel ready to be pregnant again. I want to feel as you do. Uneasy, scared and hesitant. Putting the breaks on.

I have thought a lot about it, and I have tried to reason with my thoughts. I have tried to still mind. I just cannot do it. I try to do this for you, I don't want us to be on such separate levels about this. I guess that this is just part of my grieving, and part of my grieving is pulling me to want a pregnancy. I don't know, all this sounds crazy. All that I want to do is leave you alone about this, to give you space. I will try to give you that space, but it's so damn hard.

Birdie I love you, I miss you so much...some days I feel like the amount of love and missing, and longing for you could bring you back, but that is just my desperation.

DH I love you, I am so sorry that we are living this way...I am so sorry that Birdie died.

Birdie and The Path of Life

We made it home today. All in all I can say, and I know I speak for DH it was a restful and enjoyable time together. Even when DH was sick for those first 5 days of it, poor dear. We still managed to have a great time just being together. The beginning was not exactly great for romance but thats ok.

Proclaiming to the mountains, trees, ocean and skies our love for Birdie was amazing. I keep thinking about that, how important it was to do something like that. It felt so freeing, and it also gave way for a small bit of healing. Yelling from mountain tops was a suggestion from some very close friends of ours who's daughter was stillborn four years ago. They found some solace, some release in yelling out for their daughter too. It felt so natural to just go ahead and let it out, we are so glad we did.

This morning while still in Vermont, we stopped by a place called "The Path of Life Garden." DH had seen a flyer for it at a rest stop, and mentioned it to me. Luckily it happened to be off the exit we took last night to rest for the night. This place was so beautiful, it looks like a very large buddhist garden. It's maybe the size of 3 or 4 football fields in length and maybe that in width. Its lovely with tall grasses and wild flowers...and there are different "rooms" for visitors to enter into. The first being "b.1rth". As we were almost about to enter the "b.1rth room" DH said he was too hot, he was wearing a black t-shirt. So he went back to the car, while he did that I went ahead and entered "b.1rth." What a sensation I felt, I was surrounded by large stones sticking straight into the air, with one smaller one (the child) in the center. I began feeling so strongly that that was the place, The Path of Life Garden, that I wanted to spend my birthday. What a perfect place to reflect on Birdie, this place is just so beautiful, serene, contemplative and inspirational...I also began to think that this could be one of the places to spread some of Birdie's ashes.

As I was sitting there I began to think that we should have brought in our little bag of Birdie momentos (we had brought some of her remembrance cards, origami cranes and dried flowers from arrangements that were at our house after we got home from the hospital). Matt went back to the car to get that for me.

As he was walking into the "b.1rth room" he began to sort of open this little bag of momentos and he heard a crackling sound coming from the bag. As he opened up the little handled bag we saw that inside was a small, little baby butterly...he let the rest of the bag fall open and out flew the butterfly! Not only did that butterfly fly away but it flew in the direction of one of the other "rooms", and that room was called "rebirth." As soon as we noticed that there was a butterfly in the bag, and saw it so graciously flying away and towards rebirth we both began to cry. I nearly fell to my knees...it was such a beautiful moment, it took us both by such surprise. It was just so unreal, I mean if ever their could be a sign from Birdie that she is always around us, that she loves us, that she hears us and knows what we are thinking.....that little butterfly was the ultimate of signs. It was like Birdie was that butterfly...and she was letting us know that she will be reborn.

We have no idea how that butterfly got into that bag, the bag had been sitting in the backseat of the car for nearly 5 days. The car windows rolled up, the doors shut. Its a beautiful mystery.

So, there we were standing in the b.1rth room and facing rebirth and just crying. Both in shock at what had just happened and also feeling joy. The powerful connection we feel to our daughter was brought to life, we saw a real life manifestation of her love, her beauty and stregnth. It was just so unreal.

I have so much more to say about our experience at The Path of Life Garden. However, I am just so exhausted. We spent almost 3 hours there, and then drove 2 hours home.

One last thing I will tell you about is our visit with the statue of the Buddha, a lovely granite statue of the Buddha sitting in the lotus position. Others had left offerings for the Buddha, and as soon as we saw him we knew what to offer, a tiny paper origami crane (one of the many that a complete stranger made for us, for Birdie). We gently placed the crane into the Buddha's hand, and anchored it gently with an inscribed little pebble that read, "healing." It was just so, I don't know...it felt good. Then I gently touched the face of the Buddha, telling him how beautiful he is, and asked for him to watch over our Birdie. I then gently knelt before the Buddha, gazing upon him and our offering, and thinking soft gently thoughts. A few moments later a butterfly appeared and flew around and landed on the paper crane we had offered the Buddha. I cannot ever describe the level of joy and happiness I felt. It was such a significant moment for me and DH. I have never had that kind of pure spiritual experience. I was just in awe...completely speechless. I really have no more words for what that meant or how I felt at that moment...pure bliss?

Here are some photos from the magical place, The Path of Life Garden. If any of you are in the Windsor area of VT, I highly recommend you go to The Path of Life Garden. We had just such an amazing experience, there are really no words for how it made us feel. I can tell you that it brought to us a little piece of healing.

The first photos are from the b.1rth room:

See the little baby stone to the bottom right corner

You will notice here that as you look out past "b.1rth" you can see the "rebirth" room

In this last photo you can see our offering, the tiny little paper crane...


Birdie, we had a powerful experience we had with you today. Thank you for showing us your mighty baby spirit, your strength, and your love. You showed us something very special today, something so moving...we are so lucky to have shared those moments with you. I do believe that you were there, alive in that baby butterfly, in the gentle winds that blew...in the tree of wisdom...you were communicating...you found a way to connect.

Our day today was meant to re-diverge our severed paths back together...a new Path of Life together, made possible in The Path of Life Garden. We felt joyful with you again dearest little one, even if for only a short while, a glimmer in a moment...we were together again.

We love you dearest little bird.

Love, Mama and Papa

So Long Vacation...Hello Therapy!

For the last few weeks I have been wondering to myself if maybe seeking the help of a therapist might be a good idea. Things are becoming way to intense for me to handle with only talking to my dear husband, family and support groups. I do need more help, I do. More recently things are compounding on top of me more and more, my emotions are becoming way too heavy and I have had some really extremely dark days. I mean REALLY DARK. I had one a few weeks ago when I was out with DH (yes I am going to refer to him as DH from now on). We had been at the post office, and I got really mad while I was in there, then I came outside and completely lost it. I got in the car completely fuming, crying and raging...and the I yelled "I just want to k.1.l.l myself," then I tried to slam on the gas and take off. The car didn't move, then I pressed on the gas a little gentler and off we went. We pulled over a few minutes later, and DH drove home, I was not in a state to drive.

The last few days while we have been away on vacation have been really tough. I have been a wreck, my emotions totally whacked out, I have been on a spiraling roller coaster from the deep dark depths of depression. I have been crying and crying for our Birdie. Again, I am asking why this happened, how could this happen to her? WHY? WHY? WHY? Last night I spent a good hour and a half writing to her in one of my Birdie journals. I write to her, not as often as I would like, but when I do write it is completely intense and I proclaim to her how sorry I am. I know, I have said this before, that I feel at fault. How can I not, she died in my body. My body betrayed her. My body malfunctioned in some way, that is obvious to me. I don't really care what anyone else tells me, its not my fault or whatever. I am the only one who can truely say this right? There is no medical explanation. Regardless of where we would have been for my labor with her, my body failed her. Ok, enough said on that.

The good thing about our last few days of our vacation is DH finally started to feel better...and since we were in New Hampshire we were staying close to the beautiful White Mountains. Those majestic mountains were just what we needed, lots of beautiful vistas to behold to yet again proclaim our love to Birdie out into the wild! Did I mention the gorgeous B&B we stayed at? Oh my, it was also just what we needed. The B&B was located on beautiful Silver Lake in NH. The room we stayed in was so beautiful, so romantic...it was just perfect. Our last night there we went out on a sunset canoe adventure, that was amazing and peaceful. Oh, and the resident dog was also really nice to spend time with...what a friendly dog!

As soon as I can, I will get some more photos up here.

Some Photos From Fort Knox





WARNING: This Blog Is Rated PG Because Of The Words "Fucking" and "Dead"


I was reading Rosepetal's blog and found this rating site. I'm not really sure what to make of it, I mean for any of us what do these ratings really mean? Not a damn thing....maybe if there was a rating system for the president that would be better served. Watch out here comes some swear words....kick than mother fucker to the curb! I mean really, what the hell is this country coming to? Thats another conversation for another blog, certainly not this one.

We are still on vacation, poor M.a.tt is sick, he has a little fever, tummy upset, head ache and a sore throat! I am trying my best to take care of him. =(

We did get out today for a bit, we took a really nice drive into Acadia National Park and up to Cadillac Mountain. Wow, its absolutely breath taking there. "Breathe Taking." Geez that word is kind of a weird one to use...anyways, it was really nice. We walked around a bit over big boulders and around sporadic spreadings of wildflowers. All with the goal of screaming from the mountain top "I love your Birdie!"

M.a.tt found the absolute most perfect, beautiful and private place for which to do some screaming. Sream we did! From the mountain top we screamed, we yelled..."Birdie I Love You!", Birdie I Love You!" It felt so good to just scream it out loud, into the sky, into the clouds, into the clear/clean air. Way up high, so close to the "heavens." It didn't take me too long to let it out...I was so eager to tell the mountain tops just how much I care for our baby. It seemed as if each "cry" of love was then followed by a gentle gust of air...as if the spirits, perhaps the native spirits of the land and Birdie were answering our callings. The experience felt and feels so important, to just belt it out! What a release, a rush...it made me feel, I don't know just a little more healed...maybe. To yell as I did, felt natural, and powerful...and empowering. To proclaim my love for Birdie in this way, felt so right...and so loving. I had been wanting to scream out of my anger for so long, this was the right way to do it.

M.a.tt was different in his pronouncement, more tender and quietly sprited. His whispers of love to the wind...and the mountains were gorgeous and sweet. Then he found a moment of pure unconcious and screamed "Birdie!" Just to hear her name proclaimed was all he needed to do, it was so right and so perfect. He is beautiful in his constant deep love for our daughter.

Here are some photos from the place we pronounced our love for our Birdie, our precious daughter.

Vacation?

So, we are going on vacation...and I have to say that I am totally excited for this.
We are in such need of R&R. However, it does seem a little weird to be going on a vacation without Birdie. Without our child who would be almost 4 months old...wow, she's almost 4 months old?

I have been really busy with my job, as some of you remember I work from home...something that I love and was super stoked about when I was pregnant with Birdie. It was so awesome and relaxing to be here everyday & pregnant with her. I was so excited to think that I would still be able to work and bring in money and spend my time with her. Well I guess I am still doing that, I still am here with her...only she is not alive and crying, I can't take breaks and just lay down with her, or nap with her and Macy. More recently I got a great promotion...so I am working much more and its good. It occupies some empty spaces, working and staying busy is helping me in my grief. At least I think it is. There are some days that I work so much that I have moments that I don't think about Birdie, and that just kills me, I feel so guilty. I want all my moments to be filled with her in any way that they can be. Perhaps that is just the stage of grief I am in right now, to be able to have those kinds of days and moments. Like I said though, I want to be consumed by thoughts and memories of her.

Like I said, I am excited for vacation. We haven't really ever had a real vacation together, not like this. Staying in fancy places...for more than one night. Going somewhere for more than a few days, or a weekend. Its going to be really good for us. A really nice romantic vacation...we so deserve this! I just wish she could come with us.

Also I wanted to let you know that I have found an outlet for my anger...yes, I have started weight lifting! It feels so good to lift weights! Its also really easy to push myself really hard when I am working out, all I have to do is think about when I was in labor, and how hard I worked through that for 24 hours. Lifting weights is a piece of cake compared to drug free labor. It feels good to be getting back into shape, really good. Soon I will start cycling again...I just need my new clothing to come. I don't fit into my old cycling clothing....surprise, surprise.

I am so freaking tired right now, I have no idea why I am still awake. I guess I better end this post. Well, I will probably not post for a while. I hope you are all doing well, please know that I am thinking of you.

Sending Love.
Erin, Birdies Mama

Birdie, I love you.

I'm Feeling Like...

I am just completely overwhelmed by so many "normal" things about one's "normal" life. Yeah, "normal" whatever the fuck that means anymore. The last two weekends we have seen lots of family, while it was really nice...a good thing to do. For me it was really hard, the thought of being with them was easier than the actual doing. I mean, I dunno...seeing my family felt really nice. I have a much smaller immediate family than M.a..tt does. I love both our families, but sometimes being around so many people is just too much for me.

These days are just sucking a big fat one if you know what I mean. Life just sucks. People tell me they understand, and they mean well...but they don't understand. I mean unless you have lived this nightmare yourself, you don't understand. I am not talking about all of you Mama's and families who DO KNOW what this shit feels like.

Fuck, I hate this, I just want Birdie to be here. I am back to asking why? WHY? Should we have made a different decision(s)?
You know, I can't stand to see pregnant women, I want to vomit on them, yeah, vomit, PUKE all over them because they make me so sick with jealousy! I just want to say something like well, good freakin luck with that! Hope it works out for you, because it sure didn't for us! Oh and FUCK YOU, I loath you for being so perky and pregnant and HAPPY to be so!

I know that all of this sounds cruel, I don't mean it....but I do....I am grieving, and I am FUCKING ANGRY...and I feel like the next time someone "normal" (people who have not had a baby or infant/child die) tells me that they understand what we are feeling, how we are grieving that I am going to scream! I'm sorry but NO you don't understand, you DON'T get it. You just don't.

Birdie, I'm sorry that Mama feels so angry, I just can't help it......I love you so much and its so unfair that so many other people get to "have" their babies, they get to enjoy and love them and hold them. Then there is you, a sweet little innocent and helpless baby....you who died still inside of Mama's body. You were supposed to be just fine in there, safe, ok. Mama's body was supposed to protect you, Mama's body made a bad mistake and stressed you out. Oh Birdie, I just cannot stand not to have you here on earth with us. Mama is angry. Mama is VERY ANGRY!

BIRDIE BLOG GONE A SNIZZLE GIZOOGLE

"To mah beautiful Birdie, you is in mah every thought...I wonda `bout you n where you are crazy up in here. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend wizzle Mama was feel'n so sad . Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this.. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in mah warm tears n in mah wiznarm heart. The tree we planted fo` you is grow'n sweetie, its gett'n brotha like you would be n we out. I wizzle I could see you smile at me whiznen I smile at you, I wizzy I could hear you cry jizzay once, or hizzle tha sound of you nurs'n...or even poop'n in yo diapa� fo' rizeal!

I love you sweetest gizzle."

READ THE WHOLE BLOG GIZOOGLE HERE

This is really funny, although it was also weird to read the blog description and posts....it did make us laugh, so that was a good thing.

I do like that it calls Birdie "sweetest gizzle", thats really adorable....

In Between Emotions

Last weekends super intense start and crash landing finish is behind us. I'm not sure if I mentioned that after the party last week, M.a.tt was heading to Boston as his b.a.nd was recording the next day. So, I was alone on friday night and all day and night saturday. Of course that did not help my emotional rage and super dark intense grief. However, it was the catalyst for good hard grieving that helped me to purge a lot of pent up anger and tears. I hadn't cried like I did for some time...so it was a good thing. That is if any of this is really any good, I mean we just should not be having to have these feelings, these ugly emotions. I felt like a monster last weekend, I felt totally lost without my husband here at home with me. It was just too much...too much.

I normally correspond with a few women who I have become close with since Birdie died...I have written about these very special women before. This past week I did not send them any emails, or make any phone calls. I feel kind of lousy about that. I guess I just needed a week to just me. Of course I was a workaholic this week to, needing to make a deadline. To you ladies, you know who you are....I am still thinking of you, you and your babies, and children are always in my thoughts.

Once again I hit the mark on my cycle this month, I used to have a much shorter cycle. Now its much longer and so heavy. Its really intense, a perfect match to my grief. Having my cycle back on track, and being able to track it as normal makes me feel relief. However, it makes me really sad too. Its that thing that tells me that I'm not pregnant, and why would I be, I mean were not actively trying. Of course you know I wish we were, but were not. That is just so hard for me, not for us to just be trying again. I know deep down its best to wait, to let my body heal more, to let my scar heal more, to let my mind heal more. I want to talk about trying, but I just get choked up, I know he needs more time....and maybe I am in denial that I do. Or maybe I have accepted that any way we look at it it seems risky. Pregnancy is a risky thing to jump into, its a "gamble." It doesn't stop my longing for it, and for a living baby. Maybe I am just so scared about trying, and getting pregnant that I AM NOT SCARED? I mean, I do feel excited at the idea, I do. I guess I can see wading through the fear, the anxiety. Maybe it's because my pregnancy had been so great, I enjoyed it so much...that it wasn't until the very end, that things went so wrong.

I have thought a lot about subsequent pregnancy(really--SO MUCH--as you know I am a little obsessed), I have read a lot about it, I have asked many questions about it of many different people. Oh, I just want to be that much closer to being able to hold a child that we have made, a living baby, a crying....a hungry baby...a sweet smelling...smiling baby, a happy baby, our baby. Girl or Boy it doesn't matter, as long as they LIVE!

To my fellow loss blogging Mama's....those of you who are expecting very soon, I am sending you all my love. I am just so excited, so beside myself with excitement and joy for you!

To my beautiful Birdie, you are in my every thought...I wonder about you and where you are. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend when Mama was feeling so sad. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in my warm tears and in my warm heart. The tree we planted for you is growing sweetie, its getting bigger...just like you would be. I wish I could see you smile at me when I smile at you, I wish I could hear you cry just once, or hear the sound of you nursing...or even pooping in your diaper!

I love you sweetest girl.

Love, Mama

I Don't Want This Anymore

Today I am in the worst of moods. I dreamt about Birdie being born dead again and again last night. My dreams took place in a completely foreign place, and I remember that it was like I knew she was going to die before she was born. Then, what followed made me feel all the more pissed off. After she was born dead in my dream, other women were giving birth to live babies, over and over, and over again...these women had it all! I think that that these dreams came from seeing twin babies yesterday at a friends party. I hadn't known that these babies would be there. As it turned out, the twins were 3 months old...Birdie would be 3 months old. Also, one of the babies was wearing the SAME FUCKING ONESIE that we had dressed Birdie in at the hospital. It was the one and only outfit she wore, that onesie created a very important memory for us of Birdie. We were sitting on the grass at the party when Matt noticed that one of the babies was wearing the onesie, he later said he wanted to rip it off the baby! Oh how I wanted to do the same! We couldn't stand to be around those babies, who were still so new, and so quiet and bringing so much joy to everyone at the party. We were both completely overwhelmed, and we had to get up and go for a walk. I cried for a little while, wow that experience totally blindsided us! Going to that party was a really big deal, more so for Matt, it was his first time with many other people. Many whom we did not know and were meeting for the first time, the parents of the twins....do they really understand how lucky they are? I was wearing a pin last night (one of the many I always wear) that has a photo of Birdie, me and Matt. The mother of the twins asked, "Is That Your Baby?" I proudly said YES! I then said, she didn't make it. She said, awwww. Uhm, you could say "I'm Sorry!" Now, this all happened before we knew about the twin babies her and her husband had, they were sleeping in their car. I know, I understand that some people don't know what to say...but some people really piss me off. She really pissed me off.

The friend of mine, who's home the party was at also suffered a loss in the past. She now has her subsequent baby who of course was present last night. I knew her baby would be, and Matt did too. Her baby was crawling all over me, and Matt very courageously touched the babies hand and foot...he was doing so, with tear filled eyes. Touching our friends baby was the first time he has touched a baby since Birdie. The baby crawled onto his lap too...Matt did ok....I know how hard it was for him, but he took a really big step in healing yesterday. We both did-together.

Today I am completely bitter about almost everything. I slept until noon, something I haven't done since the first days and weeks of being home after Birdie died. I took the dog for a walk, and shortly after forced myself to go to the gym. It felt so good to lift weights, I have been really pushing myself with the weights (safely of course). I have always loved lifting, and I enjoy it so much more now. I just want to have my body back, and I want my body to be stronger than ever. I can say that I am getting there, finally...I am making some progress and I feel really great physically.

On days like this though, my mental state troubles me...I was shopping for some art supplies this afternoon, and as I turned a corner, whaddya know---A FUCKING NEWBORN BABY! Oh Hello there! THANKS FOR THE PUNCH IN THE FACE! I could hardly contain myself I wanted to scream! GET YOUR BABY OUR OF MY FACE! Don't you know my baby died? Can't you see that in my face, in the way I walk, in the way stare at your child! Again and again I came upon the stupid baby in the store, I nearly had a nervous breakdown...I pulled myself over and began crying. It couldn't be helped and I didn't give a damn. I wanted to go over to the mother of that baby and ask if she knew just how lucky she was to have her baby alive. I really almost did. I was so close to it, but my body started to move the other way. She has her baby, and I was in the store picking out a shadow box for my babies things....I only have memories.

Today I really hate people, I am having so much trouble relating to anyone but Matt and a few other people in my life. I feel really shitty about this, but I am being honest.

I do want to share with you that I had a really nice morning on friday. I spent some time with a local mom who lost her firstborn daughter 4 years ago. Like Birdie, her girl was stillborn, she died during labor...a very normal labor. The similarities of our experiences are scary. As I was saying, I have grown very close with her, I relate to her so much, and I can share anything with her...she understands so well. So, I spent the morning with her and her 2 beautiful, angelic subsequent babes. Her children are both so very amazing, they are both like little cherubs...her oldest is a very wise little one. It felt very nice to be around her children, to hold them and embrace them. I can feel glimmers of hope when I am around them, and her. She is a very special woman.

When I left them yesterday I cried as I walked through a beautiful nearby garden. I was very, very aware of how completely empty my arms were. Empty of my baby, empty of life. My arms felt all the more long and heavy, more than I have been aware of before.

This morning I had a moment of pure clarity, pure hope...I realized (and deep down already knew) that a subsequent pregnancy will absolutely not replace our Birdie (we could never replace such a special child), but that it could bring some much needed healing and hope. These times are so gloomy and dark for us......too dark. We need to have some hope now. Its time for hope for our future, hope for a living baby that we can hold not only in our hearts but in our very empty achy arms.

These Days I'm Finding Birdie In Many Places

She is alive in the birds that come to our backyard.
She is the flowers that are blooming.
She is the beautiful blue sky above our heads.
She is a cool summer breeze that rustles our hair and gives us goosebumps.
She is alive in my heart and in my soul.
She is alive in her Papa's heart and in his soul.
She is alive in the hard and soft summer rains.
She is alive in the roaring thunder of summer storms.
She is alive in the laughter that we have managed to muster from time to time.
She is alive in her Papa's smile.

Birdie, you so very much present in our home, your home. I only wish I could see your ghost, or be touched my your beautiful other worldly aura. Is it crazy to think you might come back to us someday? Mama and Papa feel such a deep connection to you, even though your psychically ash. All of these words Birdie only really serve to tell you how very much we miss you, how very much we long for you, yearn for you. We need you here with us Birdie, we just cannot understand why you are not here with us. Why did you have to die? That is such a huge question. This is all just one big question that will never be answered by anyone.

Birdie we love you so much.
I cannot believe you have been gone for 3 months.

BIRDIE, YOU WOULD BE 3 MONTHS TODAY!

Birdie, where are you my darling girl? I have not felt a cold breeze across my feet for a long time now...send me a sign that you are ok, that you hear me talking to you, singing to you and calling out for you!

I have been thinking so much these days about how I am feeling. As the days, weeks, minutes, seconds are passing by...where am I in my grief, my sadness, my longing for my baby girl. I can say that my hurting, my heart, my sering pain stings the tinyest bit less. However, I do not think of Birdie any less as I thought I had been. I feel like even in my moments of being busy with something that thoughts of her are there...just not completely at the front of my thoughts. When I realize that that is happening I instantly feel a little guilty and sad for being in that space in my head. Then there are times, like right now, when I can just sit and think of her and its so numbing. Today, June 3rd 2007 our baby would be 3 months old. She should be 3 months old, she really should be here and we should be so happy and in love with her and celebrating her 3 months of life after birth! Before I go on, I really want to share some more photos with you all. They are photos that I took of myself when I was around 5-6 months pregnant with Birdie, and then some from when I was 9 months. The later of the images are around 2 weeks before I went into labor. These images made me cry really hard yesterday, after I picked the photos up and looked through them. It was really sad to see them, and beautiful at the same time. I waited until last weekend to have them processed and printed...and I am glad I waited, these images are kind of like a gift, another chance to see and remember Birdie in a fresh light.








I know that I have said this before, I LOVED BEING PREGNANT with Birdie. It was such a sweet blessing to be pregnant with her, she was such a fun baby to grow! Really it was just amazing every day, every moment. She was a miracle. For such a long time I wanted to be pregnant, for many years I used to try and put the pressure on Matt, "Come on let's make a baby!" However, it was just not ever the right time. As I was very well aware that I was nearing the end of my 20's and we were now married, I started to apply a little pressure, or at least the conversation of "trying." Then, last May in the weeks following Matt's birthday I became pregnant. In June, when I had not had my period, which was very unusual...I knew, but I didn't tell Matt. I needed to confirm that I was pregnant...and after 3 tests, each agreeing with what I had thought....I WAS PREGNANT, AND SO FUCKING HAPPY! WE HAD MADE A BABY TOGETHER, IT WAS AMAZING, A MIRACLE! It was this time of year last year that all this began...our story of a beautiful little bird who only had life for 9 months. Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life. Each day was full of excitement, so much joy and HUGE LOVE!



I can't believe that 3 months have passed. Where have the days gone to? We have moved so far away from the moments we had with Birdie, and that is so fucking sad. Our little girl is 3 months away from us, 3 months from touching her uber soft newborn skin, kissing her lips, holding her tight in our arms, napping with her for one afternoon. Looking back I am so damn happy that the birth center allowed us to have her for 3 days...they were so encouraging that we do keep her as long as we wanted, that was just what we needed. I don't think that we would have chose otherwise, and if I had to I would have fought for her being with us as long as she could, before she needed to have her body cooled. In looking at her pictures from those 3 days, I can see her body changing...from a pink and plump little baby, to a pale and purplish little lifeless body. You can see even just in her face how it began to sink in, her nose began to change and became a little pointed...its so sad to see those images, but we are SO HAPPY TO HAVE THEM!



We just got these images from the funeral home back yesterday. I could not wait to see them, like the pregnancy photos, they are another fresh look at where we were 3 months ago, 3 days with Birdie, then she was picked up by the funeral director...we saw her one last time...then she was gone. She was cremated on thursday, we held her wake on friday evening, saturday we held a celebration of life ceremony for her...and then reality began to sink in, what had she/what had we just gone through? How? Why? Did this happen to her? Silence lingers around that question, we will never know why.

I have began to think (out of desperation?)that she will come back to us someday...maybe in our next child, there will be a lingering of her there, her spirit will live through our next baby. I asked one mom who's first baby was stillborn (our stories are VERY similar)if she could see her stillborn child's face in her subsequent baby, and she told me YES, she saw her baby girls face in her next baby very much so. She now watches her son very closely, and often wonders if as her grown that is how her girl would have looked and acted. My cousin, who has 3 children. Has also told me how much each of her babies looked like the other when they were born. Knowing this has really enhanced my obsession of subsequent pregnancy...I know that my consuming thoughts and longing for this are natural, that it is coming from the want, the need to hold a baby...to nurse a baby...it is all coming from these things I cannot to for Birdie, things I so desperately want to do and experience. Things that I was so beside myself with excitement for, FINALLY I could have the experience of being a mommy! NO! NO you cannot, I am sorry....your child is DEAD! We just want Birdie here so badly, it hurts to think about how badly we wanted her! She was not planned, but came to us...a miracle!

This summer I will turn 29, and it makes me a little nervous about having more babies. Will this happen again? I know I am "still young", but my age does cause me to worry a little bit. I do want to be positive about a subsequent pregnancy, there is no reason not to be positive, its the end of a pregnancy that will be scary. I am finding it to be hard to have to wait, it's so hard to wade through the grief, the tears, the wretched heartache. While I want to be pregnant again, its only cause I miss Birdie, I miss holding her and loving her little baby body...but I also know that had she not died, I would not be feeling this way. Had she not died, our next child would not even be a thought yet! This is where we are, this is our life now, a sad little existence at times. This is our life without Birdie.