Her Last Movements
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
a temporary distraction.
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
How Have We "Made It" This Far?
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
Friday, January 18, 2008
This is really sad.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
I SEE BLOOD.
FUCK!
I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?
FUCK!
I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
CD 28.
what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.
Please may it be this month, PLEASE!
Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.
what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.
Please may it be this month, PLEASE!
Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Photos.
I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!
Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.
I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!
Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.
CD 27....nearly 28...
Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.
I am trying to be patient, really I am.
Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.
I am trying to be patient, really I am.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore.
I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.
I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.
I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.
This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".
I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!
I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.
I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.
I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.
This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".
I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!
Monday, January 07, 2008
Blah!
That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".
Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.
Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.
Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.
There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.
I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.
That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".
Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.
Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.
Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.
There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.
I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
10 Months Away From Her...
I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what I feel anymore. Last year was the worst year of my life. Neither one of us have ever experienced anything as tragic as the death of our own baby Birdie. Nothing. NOTHING! Last year just sucked, sucked sucked! My father got terminated from his job after 30 plus years! Thanks G.W.! You fucking piece of shit! There were also many other deaths, no babies, but lots of death & sickness. Oh what a dark, dark year.
To enter into a new year seems like a positive thing, then at the same time is really sad. 2007 was her year, it was the year she came to us. It was the year that we got to meet our little beauty. Oh and was she ever a masterpiece! Birdie was and is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and we made her. So, even in the darkness of the last year, we still felt the importance of being able to share with her our love when she was alive inside of me. Even in death we still share our love with her, and our love of her with others, as many others as we can.
I often think that I should be much more sad than I am. I mean I am still incredibly sad and I always will be, the tears still come very easily. I still cry for Birdie all the time. I guess that sometimes I get to a place emotionally now that I think about her beauty and how perfect she was and it brings me peace? Does that sound weird? Keeping her in the forefront of my thoughts and my being is perhaps what is keeping me going. She is just always there with me, with us. I wear her ashes in a beautiful piece of jewelry, I wear her photo around my neck as well for all to see. And now with our "Birdie Amiina Ruby" tattoos Matt and I will forever wear her name upon our flesh, and across our hearts; another way of "etching" our eternal love for her upon our bodies.
It is all we can do right? All we can do is make art to purge our grief, all we can do is say OUT LOUD and whisper her name softly, and say goodnight to her each night. All we can do is continue to keep her memory alive, and love her, and love each other.
I think that curtain of grief has found its final resting place, its about halfway open now. Its halfway open, and that is where I want it to stay. Halfway between happy and sad, because that it where I am at. In a constant state of happy and sad and I am ok with that. I feel comfortable with that, I accept it. That is just who I am now. Yes I am changed, I am not the Erin I used to be. There are sparks of me that fly up and out of me and into the air sometimes (and I am like Oh, I remember her!), but its only ever temporary. I am changed, and that is ok too. I would be changed if Birdie had lived right?
Who knew that one year of one's life could be so great and happy and innocent one day, and so utterly tragic and dark the next. I had fantasies of this past holiday being very different, full of happy smiling faces and a beautiful baby full of giggles and wonder. How naive of me, how naive. We didn't do anything this holiday, we didn't give a crap about it. Our New Years was just us and it was really lovely and quiet (we made veggie chilli, looked through our album of Birdie photos and cried a little, oh and drank a bottle of wine). I do hope for a better year this new year...this year of 2008 (an even number!). I am auspicious of even numbers even more than I was before (our wedding date is the 8th of Oct). I hope for HOPE this year, renewal and new life, new LIFE! I hope for all of you good things. With every fiber of my being, I do.
Fuck, I can't believe 10 months have passed. 10 months from holding her for the first time, I can remember how she felt. She was "still" warm and she smelled so good. She had that newborn smell that I had heard so much about and looked forward to. She was stunning, absolutely stunning and she was perfect...she was perfect except her little heart didn't beat.
Dear sweet Birdie, I miss you more and more every single day. Our hearts are still broken, and they always will be. We miss you fiercely and we speak of you so often. I wonder what you would be doing RIGHT NOW? That is all that I can do, wonder.
We love you Birdie.
tweet, tweet!
I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what I feel anymore. Last year was the worst year of my life. Neither one of us have ever experienced anything as tragic as the death of our own baby Birdie. Nothing. NOTHING! Last year just sucked, sucked sucked! My father got terminated from his job after 30 plus years! Thanks G.W.! You fucking piece of shit! There were also many other deaths, no babies, but lots of death & sickness. Oh what a dark, dark year.
To enter into a new year seems like a positive thing, then at the same time is really sad. 2007 was her year, it was the year she came to us. It was the year that we got to meet our little beauty. Oh and was she ever a masterpiece! Birdie was and is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and we made her. So, even in the darkness of the last year, we still felt the importance of being able to share with her our love when she was alive inside of me. Even in death we still share our love with her, and our love of her with others, as many others as we can.
I often think that I should be much more sad than I am. I mean I am still incredibly sad and I always will be, the tears still come very easily. I still cry for Birdie all the time. I guess that sometimes I get to a place emotionally now that I think about her beauty and how perfect she was and it brings me peace? Does that sound weird? Keeping her in the forefront of my thoughts and my being is perhaps what is keeping me going. She is just always there with me, with us. I wear her ashes in a beautiful piece of jewelry, I wear her photo around my neck as well for all to see. And now with our "Birdie Amiina Ruby" tattoos Matt and I will forever wear her name upon our flesh, and across our hearts; another way of "etching" our eternal love for her upon our bodies.
It is all we can do right? All we can do is make art to purge our grief, all we can do is say OUT LOUD and whisper her name softly, and say goodnight to her each night. All we can do is continue to keep her memory alive, and love her, and love each other.
I think that curtain of grief has found its final resting place, its about halfway open now. Its halfway open, and that is where I want it to stay. Halfway between happy and sad, because that it where I am at. In a constant state of happy and sad and I am ok with that. I feel comfortable with that, I accept it. That is just who I am now. Yes I am changed, I am not the Erin I used to be. There are sparks of me that fly up and out of me and into the air sometimes (and I am like Oh, I remember her!), but its only ever temporary. I am changed, and that is ok too. I would be changed if Birdie had lived right?
Who knew that one year of one's life could be so great and happy and innocent one day, and so utterly tragic and dark the next. I had fantasies of this past holiday being very different, full of happy smiling faces and a beautiful baby full of giggles and wonder. How naive of me, how naive. We didn't do anything this holiday, we didn't give a crap about it. Our New Years was just us and it was really lovely and quiet (we made veggie chilli, looked through our album of Birdie photos and cried a little, oh and drank a bottle of wine). I do hope for a better year this new year...this year of 2008 (an even number!). I am auspicious of even numbers even more than I was before (our wedding date is the 8th of Oct). I hope for HOPE this year, renewal and new life, new LIFE! I hope for all of you good things. With every fiber of my being, I do.
Fuck, I can't believe 10 months have passed. 10 months from holding her for the first time, I can remember how she felt. She was "still" warm and she smelled so good. She had that newborn smell that I had heard so much about and looked forward to. She was stunning, absolutely stunning and she was perfect...she was perfect except her little heart didn't beat.
Dear sweet Birdie, I miss you more and more every single day. Our hearts are still broken, and they always will be. We miss you fiercely and we speak of you so often. I wonder what you would be doing RIGHT NOW? That is all that I can do, wonder.
We love you Birdie.
tweet, tweet!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Whaddya Got On Tap?
Oh yes I will have a pint Berkshire Brewery Steel Rail please! For those of you who don't know I am a fan of the beer. I will not drink what I call "crappy beer", no only the best for me. I love the German Weiss beers with an orange (SO GOOD, its ads a tinge of sweet and orange to the flavor of the beer!), but if I can't get a Weiss on tap, then I just go for the best of the choices available.
I have not been drinking much at all in the past nearly 10 months. I was told that that drinking isn't good for one's fertility. So, I took that very seriously and had maybe 4 tastes of beer in the last 10 months. Then I had this great conversation with a good friend who was conceived from a drunken night that her parents had. So, I got to thinking, since we are so focused on our ttc (we are in ttc land this weekend people!) that maybe I need to loosen up a little. Ah, I know just how to do that....GIVE ME A BEER!
So, since other methods have not worked thus far....lets try the tipsy method! Don't worry we are not drinking and driving. Matt is my designated driver (and he has been sick, so no drinks for him!), in more ways then one! Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Anyways, so yeah drinking and well making out, what can I say it makes things all the more interesting!
Has anyone else tried the drunken ttc method?
Oh and at the bar last night, this guy asked Matt how much he would pay to have someone punch him (Matt) because he (Matt) is so pretty! WTF?
Oh yes I will have a pint Berkshire Brewery Steel Rail please! For those of you who don't know I am a fan of the beer. I will not drink what I call "crappy beer", no only the best for me. I love the German Weiss beers with an orange (SO GOOD, its ads a tinge of sweet and orange to the flavor of the beer!), but if I can't get a Weiss on tap, then I just go for the best of the choices available.
I have not been drinking much at all in the past nearly 10 months. I was told that that drinking isn't good for one's fertility. So, I took that very seriously and had maybe 4 tastes of beer in the last 10 months. Then I had this great conversation with a good friend who was conceived from a drunken night that her parents had. So, I got to thinking, since we are so focused on our ttc (we are in ttc land this weekend people!) that maybe I need to loosen up a little. Ah, I know just how to do that....GIVE ME A BEER!
So, since other methods have not worked thus far....lets try the tipsy method! Don't worry we are not drinking and driving. Matt is my designated driver (and he has been sick, so no drinks for him!), in more ways then one! Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Anyways, so yeah drinking and well making out, what can I say it makes things all the more interesting!
Has anyone else tried the drunken ttc method?
Oh and at the bar last night, this guy asked Matt how much he would pay to have someone punch him (Matt) because he (Matt) is so pretty! WTF?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
Monday, December 24, 2007
Carry Her & All Our Precious Children In Our Hearts
It's the holidays, and I am just not into it. All I can think about, all that I am consumed by how our most precious gift never made it alive into the world. Birdie. All that I can think about is her, and how much time has passed and where we are right now. Our mental states of being are ok. We have not cracked up completely. But that does not mean that there are not really hard days, because as so many of you know there are SO MANY hard days. I am having an in between kind of day and state of mind. I am so sick of all of the holiday cheer right now...
I am glad that people have it, but I just don't feel ok being around it. Probably one day I will want to be around it. However, this year just don't count me in on anything related to the holidays, except maybe snowboarding on the snow that the season has brought us.
Anyways, I am not making much sense anymore. What I really wanted to say is that not only do I carry Birdie in my heart, but I carry all of our children their. I know that there are many...there are too many losses between all of us. But please know that your little ones are very precious to me too. Please know that I am thinking of your sweet little babes.
I sent out an email sort of card (w/photo & poem) to some of you who who's email addresses are in my gmail. Here the a beautiful poem by ee cummings that I put with the photo of Birdie, Me & Matt.
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
It's the holidays, and I am just not into it. All I can think about, all that I am consumed by how our most precious gift never made it alive into the world. Birdie. All that I can think about is her, and how much time has passed and where we are right now. Our mental states of being are ok. We have not cracked up completely. But that does not mean that there are not really hard days, because as so many of you know there are SO MANY hard days. I am having an in between kind of day and state of mind. I am so sick of all of the holiday cheer right now...
I am glad that people have it, but I just don't feel ok being around it. Probably one day I will want to be around it. However, this year just don't count me in on anything related to the holidays, except maybe snowboarding on the snow that the season has brought us.
Anyways, I am not making much sense anymore. What I really wanted to say is that not only do I carry Birdie in my heart, but I carry all of our children their. I know that there are many...there are too many losses between all of us. But please know that your little ones are very precious to me too. Please know that I am thinking of your sweet little babes.
I sent out an email sort of card (w/photo & poem) to some of you who who's email addresses are in my gmail. Here the a beautiful poem by ee cummings that I put with the photo of Birdie, Me & Matt.
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
Saturday, December 22, 2007
The Reason
Ok so the reason that I have felt the need to go private with this blog. We are at that point, you know past the 9 months of healing. We want very much to conceive another beautiful life.
I was convinced that in this past month that we had indeed done just that. Then the date that I should have got my "friend" came and went, and and then another day came (and I got SO excited!)...but then that afternoon guess who decided to show up. My hopes were totally slashed and I was so incredibly sad and depressed. I was weepy for the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep that night...thinking about Birdie, and thinking about how much we want a brother or sister for her.
It feels like now that we are at the point to be trying and be doing so safely, knowing that my c-section scar is healed...that we have entered into yet another realm of disappointment. Disappointment and heartbreak if that trying does not do what you think and hope that it will.
I am diving into some deep shit here emotionally (as if I wasn't in that deep trench of emotion every day already!), and I just don't want to share this with some family. I just don't want to cause them any more emotional trauma that my emotional trauma could cause with things that I might say (and we don't really want them to know that we are ttc). I just need to vent, and in a more "private" space. Well, at least with people whom I have chosen to share in this emotional roller coaster with me. Those of you who know what the hell of losing your child is and can be, and then the other roller coaster of going ahead and wanting and trying to begin again.
So my friends, welcome to my personal emotional trench. Read all about how I am trying desperately to dig my way out of it.
How is it that it was so "easy" to conceive our sweet little Birdie, only to lose her right before we got to meet her. And now, it seems that even though we are in a good place when we are trying, that what we want most we cannot have?
I am just so sad about this. So sad. So sad.
p.s. ba humbug.
Ok so the reason that I have felt the need to go private with this blog. We are at that point, you know past the 9 months of healing. We want very much to conceive another beautiful life.
I was convinced that in this past month that we had indeed done just that. Then the date that I should have got my "friend" came and went, and and then another day came (and I got SO excited!)...but then that afternoon guess who decided to show up. My hopes were totally slashed and I was so incredibly sad and depressed. I was weepy for the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep that night...thinking about Birdie, and thinking about how much we want a brother or sister for her.
It feels like now that we are at the point to be trying and be doing so safely, knowing that my c-section scar is healed...that we have entered into yet another realm of disappointment. Disappointment and heartbreak if that trying does not do what you think and hope that it will.
I am diving into some deep shit here emotionally (as if I wasn't in that deep trench of emotion every day already!), and I just don't want to share this with some family. I just don't want to cause them any more emotional trauma that my emotional trauma could cause with things that I might say (and we don't really want them to know that we are ttc). I just need to vent, and in a more "private" space. Well, at least with people whom I have chosen to share in this emotional roller coaster with me. Those of you who know what the hell of losing your child is and can be, and then the other roller coaster of going ahead and wanting and trying to begin again.
So my friends, welcome to my personal emotional trench. Read all about how I am trying desperately to dig my way out of it.
How is it that it was so "easy" to conceive our sweet little Birdie, only to lose her right before we got to meet her. And now, it seems that even though we are in a good place when we are trying, that what we want most we cannot have?
I am just so sad about this. So sad. So sad.
p.s. ba humbug.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The Need To Say Things That I just Can't Say Here
To any and all whom read this blog, I have made the decision to go make it private once again for a little while. There are things that I am thinking and feeling that I really need to say through my writing here that I just can't. So, I am going to make Birdie's blog private. If you want to be able to keep reading send me an email so that I can add your name to my reader list. I'm sorry but I need to be true to how I am feeling about some things, and I just cannot feel secure about doing it "in the open" right now.
I know you can understand.
Erin
edited to add: please send me an email with your email, that is how I am adding readers to my list. Some of you have requested to keep reading, but your email did not appear in your comment (when I clicked on your name your email did not appear). I am going to go private with this blog very, very soon...
To any and all whom read this blog, I have made the decision to go make it private once again for a little while. There are things that I am thinking and feeling that I really need to say through my writing here that I just can't. So, I am going to make Birdie's blog private. If you want to be able to keep reading send me an email so that I can add your name to my reader list. I'm sorry but I need to be true to how I am feeling about some things, and I just cannot feel secure about doing it "in the open" right now.
I know you can understand.
Erin
edited to add: please send me an email with your email, that is how I am adding readers to my list. Some of you have requested to keep reading, but your email did not appear in your comment (when I clicked on your name your email did not appear). I am going to go private with this blog very, very soon...
So Ultimately Sad.
There are so many reasons for what I feel right now, such utter and gutteral sadness. Some times the negatives in my life become way to overwhelming for me. Well of course they take me over, and I get knocked down. I get knocked down and it takes me a little bit to get back up. The two most recent losses of people that I know have really thrown me, and tossed my emotions. I don't know how to help these dear people and I want to so much.
For my own reasons I feel I have been bowed over in a way again. You see last week I had a dream that I gave birth to another baby, a live baby. This birth was very different from Birdies, it was quick and unnatended, not even my dearest Matt was there.
I don't know what to make of that. From where I sit right now yet another negative leaves me feeling heartbroken and at a loss. I really could use some hope right now, I really really could. I am trying to be positive about the future, but I don't want to wait for the future, I want that future now. I want to be closer to a miracle than the distance away that I am at right now.
But really, I just don't want my reality. I just want that sweet little girl who was born of my body on March 3rd 2007. Why can't I just have that miracle and hold her in my arms.
Today I feel beaten and broken.
There are so many reasons for what I feel right now, such utter and gutteral sadness. Some times the negatives in my life become way to overwhelming for me. Well of course they take me over, and I get knocked down. I get knocked down and it takes me a little bit to get back up. The two most recent losses of people that I know have really thrown me, and tossed my emotions. I don't know how to help these dear people and I want to so much.
For my own reasons I feel I have been bowed over in a way again. You see last week I had a dream that I gave birth to another baby, a live baby. This birth was very different from Birdies, it was quick and unnatended, not even my dearest Matt was there.
I don't know what to make of that. From where I sit right now yet another negative leaves me feeling heartbroken and at a loss. I really could use some hope right now, I really really could. I am trying to be positive about the future, but I don't want to wait for the future, I want that future now. I want to be closer to a miracle than the distance away that I am at right now.
But really, I just don't want my reality. I just want that sweet little girl who was born of my body on March 3rd 2007. Why can't I just have that miracle and hold her in my arms.
Today I feel beaten and broken.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Another Loss
Last night I learned that 2 very dear friends of ours have lost another pregnancy (their fourth). I am so sad and sick over this. What the fuck is wrong with the universe this year? I mean really, how much more death can possibly come before the new year? I probably shouldn't ask that question. I am seriously ill over this. I just cannot believe it, these 2 lovely people who have been through so much, they deserve another baby of their own. THEY DESERVE ANOTHER BABY OF THEIR OWN!
To my dear friends, I am so sorry for your loss.
Last night I learned that 2 very dear friends of ours have lost another pregnancy (their fourth). I am so sad and sick over this. What the fuck is wrong with the universe this year? I mean really, how much more death can possibly come before the new year? I probably shouldn't ask that question. I am seriously ill over this. I just cannot believe it, these 2 lovely people who have been through so much, they deserve another baby of their own. THEY DESERVE ANOTHER BABY OF THEIR OWN!
To my dear friends, I am so sorry for your loss.
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