28 Weeks 3 Days







He is growing! He weighed in at 17 lbs last week! Holdyn is doing great! We were both a little under the weather for about a week (stuffy/coughy), but we are good as new now! What can I say, there is SO much to say, Holdyn is just so incredible to hang out with and observe, and smooch and hug! We are having a lot of fun together...and the love grows more and more everyday.

Thank you to everyone who donated to our March of Dimes walk! Your so very super and generous! I will have photos from our walk very soon!

March of Dimes Walk

This is a last call my friends....tomorrow is our local March of Dimes walk!
I haven't met my goal of raising $200! Can spare $5 dollars?

Can ya help a sista out? =)



THANK YOU!

I'm Da Mama, Fo Shizzle!

OK, enough! I am squashing this stupid shit right now! No more being Ms. Insecure Mama Pants!!!!

Holdyn is MY SON and I will not let anyone walk on my parenting skillz. I assure all my doubters that he is going to turn out just fine thank you very much. He will be a very self assured, independant, creative, kind, compassionate, empathetic, curious and loving little man. (So doubters, keep your comments and eye rolls to yourself, OK? Thanks.)

Just you wait and see!!!

He's just a baby man! He's my baby and I will do what I please!

So, all the negative shit I am gonna just SSSSSSSQQQQQQQAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSHHH right here right now.

(thank you ladies for your very, very inspiring words of support! - thank you Carol, for the extra added boost, it's always so helpful to talk to you!!!)

Later.

Honesty & Support

I have always been very open and honest with my writings here on this blog. Open about my grief and my process, open about my feelings about Birdies death and how she died. All of it, everything.

I can't help that I am an open hearted person. I am not shy about my emotions and feelings about Birdie, I am not shy about much of anything here. Yes, there are many readers of this blog, some of whom have perhaps never commented, but stop by to check in from time to time. So, it seems that I express my feeling about death and life to complete strangers, for the most part this is true. There have been so many things on my mind as of late that I really want to be able to write about here, because of the larger "support" that I find through my readers.

Lately I have been feeling self-conscious and insecure about the way that I am choosing to parent, by instinct. As you might have read the post I wrote about this (that I have since deleted), and in it I gave a "name" to the "choice" of parenting style as "Attachment Parenting". To be honest I really am not at all fond of putting a label to my parenting choice(s). However, sometimes I feel that as a direct result of many very personal hurdles, emotional turmoil, emotional baggage, lack of self-confidence etc. left over from childhood etc. etc. that I sometimes for some people need to put a label to how I parent, to the choices that I make. Or do I?

It's so hard for me not to write completely honestly about what I am REALLY trying to say here.

-Yes, I am self-conscious (and I am not usually a self-concious person)
-Yes, I struggle very much with my confidence, mostly when I am around others who I am uncertain of how they perceive me (again, I am not usually this way, I am usually very self assured)
-Yes, I am probably over-reacting (yet more baggage from childhood)
-Yes, I just wish that I could let go and just not worry so damn much!!!

It's so damn hard though. It's not like anyone besides a few close people to us tell us what a great job we are doing with Holdyn. Nor do many people say how kind and loving it is that we "wear" him...

"While principles of attachment parenting encourage parents to trust their own instincts, many lack confidence and feel the need to rely on science to validate and substantiate what they already know on an intuitive level, if only to quiet the doubts of family and friends."

That quote rings so very true for me...

I really, really do not like feeling this way. It is unfair to myself, and it's unfair to Holdyn when we are around others, because I can feel that I treat him a little differently (I am more shy to respond to him). I know that it's ridiculous!

I guess what I mean to say, to GET OUT here in this post is that I am disappointed by the lack of support we receive for parenting like we do, trusting our instincts and intuition, really listening and responding to what our children need.

VS.

The incredible amount of support that we received after Birdie died. The support we felt was endless, it was so beautiful and kind.


Where has it gone?

Homebirth Deaths In Sydney Australia

A dear reader of this blog sent along this article (which I have also posted below) to me. I don't really have words right now, just sadness for these families and compassion for the babies who may very well have lived if it had not been for you know what.


"AT least four babies have died during home births in Sydney in the past nine months, including the daughter of one of Australia's most vocal advocates for hospital-free deliveries."

Janet Fraser, national convener of Joyous Birth, which encourages women to shun hospitals, is dealing with the death of her own baby during a water birth at her Croydon Park home.

Ms Fraser went into labour at home assisted only by her partner and a female friend when things went horribly wrong.

Editorial: Why hospital horrors bring birth risks home

Health officials yesterday warned the lives of more babies and their mothers were at risk as women increasingly turned their backs on the state's beleaguered public hospitals.

Westmead Hospital director of women's health Dr Andrew Pesce said he was aware of at least four deaths and another four homebirth babies who sustained possible brain damage since last July.

Dr Pesce said the tragedies showed it was time to reform maternity services to attract back women who have become refugees from the hospital system.

Tragic case: Mum in mourning

Dr Pesce said it was time the increased risks of home birth were acknowledged and addressed.

"There are one or two extra deaths per 1000 deliveries and I wish people would acknowledge that," Dr Pesce said.

"It's often presented as if there are no downsides to a home birth only up sides."

He said obstetricians and the health system had to take some responsibility and try to attract women back to the hospital system.

"In the hospital system we need to get our act together rather than make them refugees of the system," Dr Pesce said.

Australian College of Midwives president Professor Pat Brodie said more was urgently needed to be done to avoid future tragedies.

"We are very concerned about a maternity care system that is so abhorrent that women choose to do this (give birth without a midwife),'' Professor Brodie said.

She said the maternity services system needed to be re-organised so women were assigned to a single midwife who they knew and trusted and who could provide continuity of care throughout their pregnancy.

Dr Pesce said that getting continuity of care for pregnant women into the public hospital system was essential and might attract back some women who chose a home birth.

Home births in Australia represent just 0.25 per cent of all births.

Of the 277,436 babies born in 2006, just 708 were home births.

The majority of the home births are done with the assistance of a midwife.

Dr Pesce said women were free to choose the manner in which they gave birth and doctors could not intervene, even if the health of the baby was at risk.

While doctors could get a court order to deliver treatment to a baby after it was born, they needed the permission of the mother if they wanted to carry out a caesarean.

A maternity services review commissioned by the Government called for a major overhaul of the system in February.

The review wants a greater role for midwives in the system.

Health Minister Nicola Roxon has yet to respond to the report.


This article speaks to exactly what I have been saying...things can and DO go horribly wrong during labor. It is so unfair and unfortunate that these babies weren't even given a chance. Spare me the "babies die in hospitals line", it's a tired sputtering of words. Not only has this article shed light on these unnecessary deaths of 4 innocent babies, it has also shed light on babies born at home that have sustained possible brain damage.

My heart goes out to these families. I am so sorry you have to experience this terrible grief, I am so sorry your babies are not with you.


"It's often presented as if there are no downsides to a home birth only up sides."

Yes. Yes there are downsides. The downside is death and mourning.

6 Months With A Beautiful Blessing, Holdyn.

Today is Holdyn's 6 month birthday. I am in love, I am in love I am in love!!! I am in love and in awe of all he has taught me so far. Oh how the love bursts and overflows from my heart to his.




Happy 6 months baby boy!

Nearly 6 Months...

Where oh where has the time gone?





The days have slipped by that have brought us here to the eve of Holdyn's 6 month birthday! Though they have slipped by, they have not gone by without deep thought and attention. Everyday since Holdyn was born we have made it a point to take not even a second with him for granted. He has experiences nothing but loving kindness and compassion. He has been either in my arms (or sling), Matt's arms (or sling) or another family members arms at all times (except for about 5-10 mins in the am when I wash my face and brush my teeth).

I am so proud to say that Holdyn is continuing to thrive, he is so healthy and such a happy baby. He smiles, he laughs, he giggles, he rolls onto his back, he rolls onto his tummy, he sits up, he loves to stand up (supported), loves to play, loves to be tickled, loves his doggie, loves "Brown Bear Brown Bear, What Do You See", loves being sung to, loves to be talked to, loves my stainless steel water bottle, loves being outside...

I can go on. There are so many things that bring Holdyn joy.

He is amazing, so smart and he is so calm and content. I am addicted to my little man and I LOVE IT! He brings such light to my heart, such deep love and devotion. He is a healer. Like his sister, he is a little Buddha, full of joy and love, wonder and innocence.

His personality is already so joyful, gentle and curious, this makes me so happy. All I have ever wanted for him is happiness and a curiosity for life, it is amazing to watch his personality blossom!

Holdyn, you bring me so much happiness and healing. Never could I have known such love, such genuine enormous love had it not been for your sister.

I LOVE YOU baby Holdyn, my Holdyn.

Yes, we all parent from our hearts.

I am interested in digging deeper into the cultural aspects of parenting (specifically western vs eastern and elsewhere), and the physiological and psychological effects this has on babies. If we look at the evidence of scientific analysis, anthropology, and new science of ethnopediatrics we find that babies are meant to be carried, are meant to sleep with their parents etc. My instincts have always felt this was right, so I guess I don't really need to label my way of parenting by any other name than biological, instinctual and amplified by loss.

The book Our Babies Ourselves is a must read.

I, I take photos from my heart, I always have and always will. Holdyn is nearly 25 weeks. It's been a while since I posted photos, here are some from 23 weeks - 24 weeks.

"Loss" For Words

I'm not really sure where to begin...

Birdie's birthday was a very somber but also a very beautiful day. This is what I saw when I woke up in the morning.



The sunshine that came bursting into the kitchen was very nostalgic of the morning that Birdie died. The sun was out that day, it was blasting and the sky was so blue. I know I didn't glance out the window more than a few times, but I remember that sky, that was Birdie's sky....as blue as her eyes were (we had opened one of her eyes to see).



We took things really slow on this 2nd birthday of our little bird. We rose slowly in the morn, we made no definite plans and just let the moments guide us.



This year was different feeling as we have a sweet little miracle to celebrate our sadness with. It felt different, though this year I was able to feel some of the deepest loathing dark sadness that I had on March 3, 2007. Somehow I was able to get back there, and with Holdyn in my arms I cried, I sobbed, I cried into his neck and took in his smell, I bathed in his warmth and his breath.



And my dear Matthew...he sat for hours with Birdie's urn. He sat with her body, her remains, her dust, her ash, the remnants of bone and flesh. He sat with her in this way for hours, recording video footage, close up studies of her beautiful body in her beautiful urn. I watched him do this for a time, my heart exploded and I wailed out loud. My heart broke for him, for not being able to be there lying in bed with his little girl, singing happy birthday, tickling each other, giggling into the afternoon...smitten with each other.



We decided to go snowshoeing.

It was a gorgeous day, the air was fresh with winter and snow. A perfect day for a wintery hike with Birdie, and she sang for us, before our time in the forest was done...we heard her sing.

And now here we are, I have been feeling a bit lost. Not knowing what to write because I have so much to say. I have also been busy with little Holdyn, what a miracle to wake up next to each morning, what a lovely little person to drink in, to cuddle, to nuzzle, to nurse.

It's because of Birdie that he is here right now. It is because of Birdie that I am the mother I am to Holdyn, it is because of both my children that I have let go of (and continue to let go of) my past burdens, my emotional trauma's, my baggage, my stresses. These little ones are reminders of the importance of the here and now, that each moment is so very precious, that we cannot get caught up in petty issues that are pointless. My children are like little sitting Buddhas keeping me in the here and now, in the present moment, and truly, truly being there, being completely available for Holdyn. With a clear mind I am able to see what makes him happy, when he is about to become sad, or hear that little change in his voice tells me he is hungry.

Can you tell that I am tired? I have begun to ramble.

Time for bed, my sweet little nursling will be calling soon.

xo-Erin

words will soon come.

The Sun Is Out Of Bed, Our Phoenix Has Risen

(For The Second Time)

Now we are here, the actual time of birth and death have once again arrived and passed. On this day there will be celebration, though quiet and somber. No cheerful little girl will be here running around, anticipating the excitement and wonder of her day, there will be no gifts to be thoughtfully opened slowly one at a time. We will not witness the sparkle of life in our daughters eyes. We will instead spend our days with our own wonder at the mystery of her death, with sorrow in our hearts and watch as little waterfalls spill forth from our eyes...and a tiny miracle will make this sadness OK. For there in this dark space there will be our light, our hope, our son, Holdyn who is 5 months old on his sisters 2nd birthday.

This is all still very surreal, perhaps it is always going to be.



Birdie, we miss you and love you so much.

Love you always...until we meet again in the stars,
Mama

Here It Comes. I See The Sun Just On The Horizon.

Last week I was experiencing a feeling that I had not felt since my pregnancy with Birdie. The feeling is hard to describe because it was so physical present within my body. It was almost like my body had returned to a state of pregnancy, and my mind knew what was to come. There was a wisdom there and also a sadness, and it felt very real and very familiar. I can't remember having felt that last year, a physical remembering within my body though there was definitely a rush of emotional memories, and visual memories.

Also last week a mysterious feather appeared in our house. I had noticed something on one of our rugs, and thought it was a random piece of string or fabric from my craft bin. I had noticed it and ignored it. And ignored it. Then, I was curious so I looked closer and realized it was a feather quickly I picked it up. Immediately I shared my find with Matt, we were both baffled. Now this is no ordinary everyday feather, it's long and has a reddish brown hue. It's not a crow nor pigeon feather, it looks like a pheasant feather we are guessing. However, it could be from a cardinal. We just don't know. What we do know is that it was not there earlier in the day, and after we came home from taking Holdyn to see Elizabeth Mitchell perform it was there.

We are sure it was Birdie sending us a sign.

So, here it comes my friends...here we are, here I sit tonight with a heavy heart (my heart is always a little heavy as you already know) as the seconds, minutes and hours tick tock away. The precious last hours that 2 years ago today were Birdie's last hours alive. Her Karma nearly fulfilled, for soon she would become a sitting Buddha, an enlightened one, a spirit, a perfect light of everlasting true love.

As hard as it can be to think about this time, and the vast and dark expanse of what came after things took a dangerous turn, I do think about it. I don't shield my eyes, or turn away and hide from it, my daughters death is my truth. Birdie's death is seared into my heart, and inked upon my skin. She is my daily reminder to enjoy life to the fullest, to let go of the bitterness that can turn emotions into an avalanche of anger and disgust.

This year I wonder who will forget and who will remember.

We just got a foot of fresh snow, so for Birdie's birthday we are headed to the mountains for a little snowshoeing adventure. I know it's going to be beautiful, quiet and peaceful. Holdyn of course will be there bundled up, safe and warm in the carrier. It will be our first snowshoeing adventure of the year, and Holdyn's first walk in a snowy wood.

Almost 5 1/2 hours to go now...

I am re-living that night in my mind, the feelings and memories have grown stronger since I began this post almost an hour ago. This is where it all went down, right here in these rooms before me.

Did I miss something? Some sign of distress? A call for help?

The sun is just about on the horizon...I will see you on the other side, Birdie will not.

Unplug Your Ears.

To those of you who read this blog who were fortunate to have a safe and successful birth in your home, bless you.

Unfortunately, my baby died very likely because of my choice to birth at home. So forever I am a Mama who will never ever be in support homebirth. It scares the shit out of me when I hear about someone that I or a friend knows who is considering homebirth. Belt's comment from my last post states it all so clearly...

"I was a strong proponent of natural birth/homebirth until everything that possibly could go wrong did go wrong during the course of my labor. Perhaps my decision to have a hospital birth is one of the reasons I have my son with me here today. Perhaps that was not a factor at all. I think it had to have been, as I required a c-section delivery.

There are happy home birth stories and sad home birth stories. Although there are women can rejoice in sharing a happy story, I think it is important to not let that joy detract from the very real, very sad stories that often fall on deaf or plugged ears. There are risks and uncertainties in home birth and we need to listen to the Mamas coming from a place of unwanted experience and unfortunate wisdom."

I am not saying all these things lightly, and I am not saying them without a VERY heavy heart. I simply feel the need to express once more just how seriously dangerous this choice CAN be.

Please don't tell me that homebirth is safe, that babies die in hospitals etc. As I said before, NO SHIT! My life is wrapped in a blanket of dead baby, OK? I know about ALL the ways that a baby can die, my life has been touched by this knowledge and so have the lives of many beautiful families that I now call friends, people whom I care very deeply for.

My point is this. You NEVER know what your body is going to do during labor. You just don't. You can think, you can feel so certain that you KNOW. But, you don't. Case in point, when I was in labor (going for VBAC) with Holdyn, I labored for more than 24 hours and simply could not progress past 9.5 cm. We tried all the midwifery tricks (I had CNM's), then Holdyn's heart rate dipped very low a few times. This happened after a few regular dips earlier, dips in his heart rate that were not concerning but normal. However, the last few were more alarming because I was NOT progressing and could have began to cause him distress (even though he did not show signs of this). So, we simply had to get him out, and it was not an emergency, however...when he was born we knew right away why he was not able to progress into my birth canal. My cervix had a Bandel's Ring...and Holdyn was stuck, there was no way he was going to be born vaginally.

" A Bandel's (retraction) ring develops from the physiological ring and is often -- but not always -- the result of an obstructed labor. Sometimes it can actually be seen as an abdominal indentation, signifying impending rupture of the lower uterine segment. If this should happen, death of the fetus ensues and maternal death is imminent, if nothing is done.

Immediate cesarean birth is usually carried out if this ring is seen, but usually the length of labor has been prolonged and caesarean birth is indicated anyway. CPD, or cephalopelvic disproportion, is the prime cause for an obstructed labor but, occasionally, it could be due to malposition, malpresentation, obstetric manipulations, twins, maternal fatigue and failed forceps delivery. The shape of the uterus can be normal, but this condition develops in late labor."

Now, let's move this scenario into the homebirthing world. There you are, at home, you have progressed to 9.5 cm. You stay at 9.5 cm for a good 3 hrs at least after more than 24 hrs of labor. Your baby's heart rate is steady upon each 10-15 minute check. However, in between the intermittent heart rate checks by the midwife, 2 very low dips in heart rate are missed...signs that your baby COULD soon go into fetal distress. You are then checked again, the heart rate is normal perhaps...

You are checked again...the heart rate of your baby has dropped.

You change positions, baby's heart rate is still very low....you are now in an emergency situation.

Everybody rushes in a calm manner to get you dressed and into the car, maybe you have a 5 minute ride to the hospital, maybe you have a 1/2 hr ride to the hospital. No matter how long it takes you, you have no control of what is going on within your womb, your baby is beginning to distress and this may or may not go even more down hill as you make your way to the hospital.

You see where I am going with this right?

I know that everyone wants to believe in birth, that it is always so natural and safe...that hospitals are BAD, doctors are BAD etc. All that bullshit that has been plugged into the ears of innocent believing women (I used to be one of these people!). My ears were plugged, I believed in the beauty and wisdom of my body and birth, that "My Body Knows Just What To Do". It is simply a dangerous emotional belief, a belief that so many women hold onto SO tightly that they unknowingly blind themselves into believing against their baby's best interest. Again, I WAS ONE OF THESE WOMEN.

All I am trying to say through all of this is this: Hospital/Birth Center births CAN BE a beautiful glorious place to birth. Regardless of how you end up giving birth to your child. All you MUST do is seek out the right place to give birth, meet with the staff, get to know your CNM's and the docs very well. Express over and over again WHAT YOU WANT, put your foot down about WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANT. Also knowing way back in the back closet of your mind...that if your labor doesn't go in the rosey manner you had envisioned and planned so long for, that you might have to give birth via c-section. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE IS YOUR BABY!

I know that there are hospitals/birth centers out there much like the one that Birdie was born at (remember the doctor tried in vain to save her), and Holdyn...I have NO regrets that he was born via c-section. It very well could have saved his life. If I had been stupid enough to attempt another homebirth, or "freebirth" he probably would not be here right now, beautifully sleeping upon my breast.

I wonder how many more of US there are out there, but are just to scared to speak up for fear of being pounced on by the homebirthing believers? I am scared of nobody at this point, I will debate this issue until I die, and even then the memory of the event that may well have caused my daughter's death will live on.

On My Mind

I have so very much to share, about the gallery opening this past saturday, about Holdyn, about Birdie and the topic that inevitably invades me around this time of the year. Homebirth. I think about this a lot, but a conversation that I had yesterday sort of accidentally at an Attachment Parenting group got me thinking about it heavily. There were 2 mothers there who had been lucky enough to have successful homebirths. I left with a nasty taste in my mouth and a pang in my heart. The conversation about this was light, but I felt the tears welling up as I told one of the mothers how I was so very happy that she had her baby there with her and alive, the other mother who was more gentle about the subject quietly told me when it was just me and her that she too had given birth at home, I again expressed my joy that she had her baby there with her. I explained that I could not help but feel great concern over homebirth, and for mothers who even entertain the thought of going "through" with it.

I have much more to say about this, about everything on my mind. I need to get it all out and up here, I will try to later this evening. I also have pictures of dear little Holdyn!!! 4 1/2 months! Can you believe it!

xo--Erin

UPDATE: In response to a comment from Rosegin I wrote:

NO SHIT, really babies die in hospitals too huh? That's news to me! Of course I know they die in hospital to, I know way too many parents of babies who died in hospital.

However, as the mother of a baby who died perhaps because of my poor decision (to attempt a homebirth), I do not feel it IS safe (FYI- I have heard from other mothers who have had full term loses due to homebirth as well). The whole idea behind homebirth nowadays is purely emotional and selfish, it's about the "experience".

I learned a very razor sharp lesson, IT'S NOT THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IT'S GIVING BIRTH TO A LIVE BABY! Yes, as a recovering homebirthing mother with a dead baby....I FEEL HOSPITAL IS MUCH SAFER!

This debate is rediculous! Seek out a birth center/hospital that is respectful of what you want and at the same time has the health of the baby as priority #1, I know for some these places are few and far between...but they ARE out there!

I am sick and tired of the whining about this! How about it's time for the docs and midwives to form an alliance where "Homebirth" can happen in the safety of the hospital establishment. Come on people, it's time to grow up!

Breastmilk Really Is "GOLD"

I have been well aware of just how healthy breastfeeding is for my son, and how through my breastmilk I pass on immunities and antibodies. But what I have really wanted to find out is the nitty gritty of how all of this works. Exactly what and how it all goes "down" so to speak. Well, my dear breastfeeding blogger friend Sara at Custom-Made Milk makes it all clear or "milky" if you will...ha ha!

"When your child is first born, they are born with a gut that is fully open. Things pass freely through the gut to the bloodstream. This is why human breast milk is so important for human babies. Because it contains far fewer allergens than soy or milk-based formula, and because with an elimination diet it contains just as few allergens as hypoallergenic formula."

"Interestingly enough, as your nursling matures, the antibodies in the milk become MORE concentrated instead of less concentrated. Antibodies continue to pass through to the child after 6 months. They also drastically reduce the number of pathogens in the child’s digestive tract, sinuses, middle ear, etc."



The information she gives here, plus the information I get from Le Leche League etc. Is so very, very encouraging to me, encouraging for the good health I am passing to my little bunny, but also encouraging to breastfeed my "nursling" as long as he wants to, and allow him decide when he is ready to wean. For now though, I remain here in my 4 month old baby bliss, lovingly nursing my tiny miracle.

Birdie's Story To Air On NPR



Last summer Matt and I recorded Birdie's story at the Story Corp booth when it came around. Well, Birdie's story is about to be heard by the listening public tomorrow morning. If you are able, I hope that you will also listen.

http://www.wfcr.org

I feel so much love and warmth in my heart as we near March 3, 2009.

Birdie your birthday is coming and more love is surrounding you everyday, as more people learn about you, our spirit child, the more the silence of grief is broken.

UPDATE! If you missed the on air broadcast, you can listen HERE

4 Months...

For My Little Bird, On Her 2nd Birthday

As some of you might remember, it has been a deep seeded wish of mine to show some or any of the photos that I/we took in hospital with Birdie, or the photos that I created from some of the hospital photos. For a long time this had seemed like a pointless pursuit, pointless in that as you all know our society is so afraid of images of dead babies, our dead baby included.

I am really blessed to have been selected to show 3 pieces in a gallery show this month (The show is called Balance: Mothers Who Create). I have K from Our Box of Rain to thank for showing me the way to the call for artists! If not for her, I never would have known about it.

So, my very dear fellow babylost mamas...some walls will be brought down very soon. Walls that keep out the truth, the terrible heartbreaking truth that babies die. I know full well how hard these images and my statement will be for many to gaze upon and read. However, it is my truth, yes, my baby died. My beautiful healthy baby died just before her life could have been saved. Now, nearly 2 years later, after many many tears have been shed, many dark hours and sleepless nights...Birdie is making her debut into the public's eye.

Birdie is making a "still" debut. She is going to break the silence for all of us and I hope that people will listen. For if they listen to Birdie's story, they listen to all our babies stories and feel the importance of remembering, loving and celebrating our children.

Please, if you are can make it out to the opening I would love to meet you and share memories of our beautiful children.

The Little Art Gallery Under the Stairs

Saturday, February 14
2:00pm - 4:00pm
LynnArts Inc., 25 Exchange Street
Lynn, MA

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Birdie girl....you are going to be seen by the world! This is only the beginning! (Her birthday isn't until March 3rd, but the show will still be up then)

4 Months

Before I forget here are some of the developments/milestones of Holdyn at 4 months! Holy crap he's 4 months!!!

-holds his head up really well while sitting and while on his belly

-crawling with our help, he pushes against our palms, he loves it!

-is making a NEW squaky/squeak sound when he is excited/stimulated about to cry

-focusing really well on faces and objects

-easily excited by objects/facial gestures/sounds/words

-grabbing things really well when put near or in his hand

-when i try to nurse him sitting he is not so keen on this anymore, arches his back laughs a little and then cries, a good percentage of the time he prefers to be in the BabyHawk carrier to nurse and fall asleep

-he LOVES listening to Tom Brosseau to eat and or calm down, loves to bounce and or dance while listening to this music too.

-if we saw Chica Boom to him is all kinds of crazy ways, HE LOVES IT!

-he is smiling so much and giggling!

-he loves LOVES to talk! He really loves to vocalize and responds to our words and sounds, it's AWESOME!

-enjoys when Macy is nearby, loves to pat her and punch her (accidentally) and loves when she licks his hand

-he is starting to look like a baby, not so much a newborn any longer...awwwww.

-loves to stand up and walk with assistance of course, he bends his knee and knows to put his foot down on the floor! It's WILD!

-loves reading G is for 1 Gzonk, Happy Birthday To You (Dr. Seuss), The Lorax (Dr. Seuss...he loves the colors and illustrations, he reaches out to touch the pictures on the pages

-Sleeps through our wintery walks! Of course we get bundled up, so we are both warm and toasty!

-Sleeps through the night, with a few quick diaper changes of course

-Holdyn is just super!!!

What Lay Upon The Horizon

We are getting so very close to Birdie's 2nd birthday. It still feels as if it was only yesterday that we were so excited with that innocent new parent joy. Expecting to birth a live child, as you might remember, we were expecting to have her at home. Now, the thought of that makes me ill. While many days, months and now almost 2 years have passed I still feel a deep guilt for the choice that ultimately was mine. Had I not been so damned naive and headstrong maybe my baby girl would be here right now.

She isn't.
She died.

Right now as I site here typing, right beside me is the lovely, sweet smelling, warm body of Birdie's little brother. I gaze upon his face, as his eyes are gently closed in a most peaceful slumber. Yes, he looks like his sister, he looks so very very much like her and so perhaps I am getting to watch a glimmer of how she would have grown too. For some it might be hard to have a subsequent child who is a reflection of there dear one who is not with them in the flesh. For me, for us, it is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter. In a way, I am relieved that he resembles his big sister. When I was pregnant I wondered and hoped that he/she would have a small likeness to Birdie.

Oh Birdie. I am missing you very much, very very very much. Sweetest little angel baby, you would be turning 2 years old very soon! I wonder what you would be like, maybe have golden blonde locks with ringlets of curls? Big sparkling vibrant blue eyes, eyes as piercing and lovely as your papas? A big hearty little girl lauph, with a giggle to match?

I just don't know, I can't ever know, I will never know my daughter.