What a weekend it was.....and it WAS without Birdie

Its so absolutely tragic she was not with us this weekend, and I cried many times this weekend. I do think that her spirit was with us, I felt her very strongly on sunday. Yes, this was the weekend I had become scared of, the weekend of the wedding that M.att and I were supposed to be in. I had changed my mind last week, feeling terrified of walking down the aisle...something our Birdie will never be able to do. I just felt so hurt so destroyed over that thought. Its so unfair she can never have that experience, and so unfair that we can never watch her walk down the aisle. Our beautiful Birdie will never be a bride to be. Simply a tragic fact of her non-existant life. We did have a nice day on sunday, early on in the day we had a lovely walk around Walden Pond, something we both had always wanted to do. Both of us would have rather had done this with Birdie....we walked around the whole pond anyways.

Later on we had to get to the wedding location. We got there and I started feeling pretty anxious about being in the wedding, and feeling so nerved up about the whole experience. Somehow after getting dressed and then helping the bride for a little while I started to think about actually going through with "walking down the aisle", and doing it for Birdie, walking down the aisle holding M.att.s hand for Birdie. In the end that is what we did, we had the experience for her. It was so strange to go ahead and do that, but we did. We did it for our beautiful daughter. I was completely spaced out the whole ceremony, and not long after it began there were birds singing loudly in the many trees that surrounded the ceremony location. That is all I paid attention to pretty much the whole time. I just kept looking up at the trees trying to find the birds. Then I would catch Matt looking at me and we just stared at each other. So, it was not as hard as I had imagined, but it still hurt like hell to go through with it.

The other thing that I had felt anxious about was seeing so many family members. There were many of them there, M.att.s family is pretty huge. I had the fear that there would not be any acknowledement of Birdie, and for the most part I was right. I mean, I did not want that to be the topic of conversation as we were at a wedding. However, just a mention of Birdie....how people were missing her, or thinking of her, ANYTHING! There were those that did say lovely, very caring and sweet things to us, and that is what I needed and I am pretty sure M.att needed to hear. She is still our child, even though her body was not there with us. It bugs me that people don't know what to say....or that they just dont say anything, it just does.

I have not been posting as much because I have been busy with my job....busy getting a raise...and now being the woman who is pretty much learning to run "the show". I still feel the need to post here, and to stay in touch with all of you...and to think of my Birdie and write to her here.

I am just trying to figure my life out after all of this shit. Trying to get through my days of ovulation that are making themselves known like they never have before....and trying to stop having consuming thoughts of pregnancy. All of which is so damn hard. My body and mind want to be pregnant, that is the honest truth.

I do have to say though, at least today...I feel the sting of her death a little bit less, and I wonder if that is ok? I wonder if I am not thinking of her every single second of the day....am I forgeting her somehow? I feel so guilty when I have days like that, and I have had a few. Am I being a bad mama to her if I can have these moments? Or am I moving into another realm of my grief? Has anyone else felt something like this?

Birdie, I missed you so much this weekend. I had had so many warm thoughts of having you so close to me at this family wedding. I had planned to have my dress altered to be able to nurse you, I planned to hold you during the ceremony....and we planned to dance with you and walk with you and love you and oh so much more. Were you there with us? Was it you who made the birds call out in song during the ceremony? I felt such a hurtful ache for you...such a drawn out longing to hear you crying at the wedding. I think I felt the presence of your spirit....you, my darling the sweet little innocent baby who used to move joyfully and rambunkciously in my belly.

We miss you sweet girl. We still feel the full force of your love, and our love for you and each other.
Love, Mama

Birdie Always An Our Minds

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days.

That is how old Birdie would be today if she were here. As these months keeping on passing us by, I am starting to feel more and more awful. In the last few days I have realized that I sometimes feel like I was never pregnant with Birdie, that I never had a baby. I had such a great labor, that went suddenly so wrong. I had an innocence about such a natural process of life, that is now destroyed. I won no prize, she was taken from my womb in such an unnatural manner. I keep coming back to the days leading up to my labor, things started on thursday and then dissipated, so we went on with our day. The middle of the night (friday) they started up again....and then that was it, I was in labor. How intense and yet beautiful my labor was up until.

Now here I am with a hurting, sinking feeling in my body.

Now here I am wanting so badly to be pregnant again. I know that a lot of this feeling is from my want for Birdie, that makes perfect sense to me. It seems that everyday this feeling grows a little stronger. Its especially hard around this time of the month because it was around this time that we conceived Birdie, and we did not know we had. Birdie was not planned, she just came to us on a beautiful May evening last year. I remember when I first knew, it was in June, I had missed my period by a few days...which was not normal. I got 3 pregnancy tests, I did 2 right away in disbelief that they were +, and another the next morning. I did not tell Matt, I was so excited I was bursting to tell him, but I waited. I waited till the night before fathers day. I remember the lovely look on my Matthews face when he opened the container that held the pregnancy tests. He immediately began to tear up. There was such pure love there, pure joy, excitement and anxiety...he was not sure he could be a father. Oh, my darling what a wonderful father you are to our Birdie.

I long for a moment like that again, but it won't be filled with the same emotions...it will be filled with happiness and worry.

Or will it? Will we be able to get to a place of being happy for a subsequent pregnancy, and not feel terrified for what could happen again? I am taking strength in the many families we met last weekend at the Mothers Day Walk. All of whom have had a loss and found the strength and courage to try again. Many of them now hold in their arms beautiful live babies. These families inspire me and give me much needed hope.

Birdie, we love you so much. We wish we could have you here. Where are you?

Something to share...
Mama Amia...thank you for sending this to us on Mamas Day.
Little Bird, Little Bird

Elizabeth Mitchell has always been a favorite musician of mine. Matt and I bought her "You Are my Flower" album when I discovered it one day looking for music for babies and little children. I used to listen to that album in my car all the time over and over singing it to Birdie when I knew she could hear me. She was so cute..she would move and kick me when I sang those songs to her. Well, now we have this album that that song link is from "You Are My Little Bird". It's so sweet...makes me cry!

Oh Birdie...I Love You....you are my little bird.

Mama and Baby

Mothers Day...oh boy was that a day. We went to a special Mothers Day walk for mamas who have lost a baby.... The walk was organized by a truely amazing mama & papa. I felt so blessed to have become aquainted with this mama, who is also mama to a stillbirth daughter. She reached out to me within days of hearing about Birdie. I feel so blessed to know her, and inspired by her strength and hope.

Most of our family joined us on the walk, which was good, though I know it was hard on some of them. For me the walk realy gave me hope for the future, as there were SO MANY families who had had a loss that were there with their beautiful susequent babies and toddlers. It was not as hard for me to see these children because I knew how they came to be...and I knew that the parents of the children did not take these babies for granted, not in the slightest. I immediately connected with one mommy in particular who had her gorgeous twins there with her and her husband....she was simply radiant in her continued grief for her baby who was not with them in life, and in her deepest love for her brand new babies, her first born and her husband. We held each other as we walked, with one of her twins in tow....I touched her babies finger and could feel the lovely innocent energy from the child to my heart and my memories of touching Birdies fingers. What sweet sweet finger Birdie had....I love to look at pictures of her and stare at her fingers....really all of her. Birdie is so lovely.

So, Mamas day was ok. It was hard, but it felt SO good and so important to have taken part in the walk to remember our babies. It felt comforting to be surrounded by so many others who have also been in the exact place we are. Though, I would not havce wished to have been surrounded by so many....I would have wished these people to not have known such a loss. I had a really REALLY bad day yesterday, for so many reasons. I just cannot understand why people have been so cruel. They truly don't know me, us or our situation.

Today was not so bad, me and Macy went for a just about 2 hour walk, as it was so beautious outside and not too warm yet. I was going to go to Bikram Yoga today but my period cramps were pretty yuck. Oh, yeah for those who care...I got my 2nd period after my emergency-c. I guess it is a good sign my body is getting a little more normalized...I feel like it is. My mind is another story!

BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!

Moving on...back into the endless love for out girl, our Biride.

I am pushing that storm behind me.

This is a sacred space where nothing but love emenates, love for Birdie and for each other. I never knew that I could love this deeply, I loved deeply before, but nothing like this.....Birdie you have brought us such a special, sacred and beautiful love.

You are such a special baby.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!

Love, Mama

I am going to lose it over this.

ENOUGH!

If you want to read my blog, you will have to have a password.
I cannot handle this, I am on such shakey ground already. I cannot believe that this wench has done this to me. This was meant to be a nice blog, a peaceful place for me and the memories of being pregnant with Birdie. This woman has destroyed this for me, absolutely squashed this for me. I am done with this shit, just so done with it. I cannot even have a public blog now. I cannot trust that people can be polite or sensitive to me, a GRIEVING mother, this is all TOO FRESH and I cannot deal with the evil of this woman and people like her. I cannot believe that I have to make my blog private. What a fucking bitch! Thank you stupid Dr. Amy for bringing me right back to square one of my grieving. You get the grade of L- for the year! Yes that's right Loser-. I hope that you are happy with the hurt you have caused me, I just wanted an open forum for OTHER GRIEVING PARENTS! Not for OB Political Junkies like yourself.

I hope that you have to face what I am someday. Then you will know what it means to feel REAL GRIEF. REALLY RAW, IN YOUR FACE GRIEF!

You are a disgrace to the OB field and to womankind.

I'm done with this, done.

*Ladies, fellow Mama's (you know who you are) if you want to access the blog send me your email address.

She has posted my blog link with MY FULL NAME, so I want to post her info(BUT I WON'T SINK THAT LOW),she has destroyed my life even more with furthering HER POLITICAL cause with the DEATH OF MY BABY from MY attempted homebirth

Dr.Amy I don't want you to slander me or my baby's memory anymore, REMOVE THE LINK PLEASE! Dr. Amy you didn't realize that you have actually posted my info on your blog, anyone can find me, just as I found her (if you want to contact her let me know). I am serious about her removing the link to this blog, this is no joke, my blog is a memorium, a sacred place where other mama's can come and read, and maybe take something from as I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I don't appreciate her posting a link to me on her blog, furthering her Dr. Amy political cause.

Others have been succesfull with stopping harrassment against them on their blogs (with the info of the trolls who have done it), I am fighting for this too!

Dr. Amy, REMOVE the link! You are a disgrace to your profession, you are a disgrace to womankind. I want my blog back, NOW!

You have done enough damage to me, you have proved yourself a horrible person and a disgrace to your "profession" enough is enough. I want you to REMOVE THE LINK!


"You may not post information such as other people's passwords, usernames, phone numbers, addresses and e-mail addresses unless already publicly accessible on the Web."

p.s. HER INFO IS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC ON THE INTERNET, I FOUND IT VIA A SIMPLE SEARCH!

PLEASE EMAIL THIS BITCH AND ASK HER TO REMOVE OUR BLOG FROM HER ANTI HOMEBIRTH SITE!!!!!

In the past day I have learned that this woman Dr. Amy Tuteur HER SITE decided that it was just fine to post our blog for Birdie on her stupid ass website. I am so upset, so sad and heartbroken that she has done this. She refuses to remove the link and I don't know what to do. This is absolutely rediculous. This blog used to be a lovely, quiet, peaceful place for me to write out my feelings and now it has been stomped on
and I am not strong enough to keep this up.

This woman doesn't agree she is disrespecting the memory of Birdie by her actions. Yes, this is the stupid internet, simple made up of 1'sssssss and 0'sssssss.
However this blog, our blog is not here for debate about what happened, nor is this a blog meant for people like her to post a link to to scare other women who might be considering homebirth. I still believe in homebirth for women and babies. I do. This was a rare thing that happened. This is a private matter that I have entrusted to you
other mommies out there. You have been so sweet and comforting. I need your help to save this blog, because I will remove it very soon if that troll of a doctor does not remove her link ASAP. I so desperately want to keep this memorium for Birdie alive and continue to share my grief, my love for her and my family with you all, but things are rediculously out of control and for no reason at all.

Her resonse to my email plead:

"Publishing a story on a blog is like publishing it in a newspaper.
Unless you password protect your blog, you cannot control who reads it
or discusses it.

I am very sorry for your terrible loss, and I am sorry that you think
that mentioning your public posting on my blog is disrespectful to her
memory. I believe that it is important for people contemplating
homebirth to understand what can really happen. I don't presume to
offer you advice, and that is why I did not post on your blog. As I
wrote in my original post, you can read what I and others write on my
blog or you can completely ignore it. It seems reasonable to expect
that people who write on your blog will offer only supportive
comments, but does not seem reasonable to expect that if you publicly
broadcast your story to millions of people around the world, no one
else is allowed to comment on it."

Sincerely,

Amy Tuteur

Her email: dramy5@aol.com


She's so sincere...don't ya think?
erin, Birdie's Mama......posted on Mothers Day, May 13th 2007

Luvin My Baby, Luvin My Man

Just wanted to post a lovely photo of my beautiful baby girl, and her beautiful papa.


Tommarrow is Matt's birthday. I hope for him to have a lovely quiet day at home with me and our memories of Birdie.

All I can hear out my windows are the songs of many, many birds....I cannot help but think they are reflections of Birdie, and her love.

Today, I am BURSTING with love for sweet Birdie and my sweet Matthew.

It is calm here now.


Birdie & Papa(Matt), I love you both so much...I am so blessed to have you both in my life.

Dear Anonymous Commenter that left a comment @ 11:11 am on Friday, today May 11th

Please just leave me and my husband and the memory of our child alone. You have no right to say this:

"I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid that there's every chance that if you were labouring in the hospital your child would be alive and fine now.

Fetal bradycardia happens every day on a busy labour ward. It's one of the true emergencies we see. In roughly 2/3 cases the heart recovers just prior to the C section. In the other 1/3 it doesn't, and you need to get the baby out fast. In my time I've delivered probably about 100 babies safely like this, with one dead and one brain damaged (both were out within 10 minutes). So you see time does matter. The extra 10 minutes you took to get to hospital would have made all the difference (you might live 3 minutes away but you didn't take 3 minutes to transfer - I can guarantee that).

Fetal bradycardia is the main reason that doctors don't like homebirth. It's not uncommon. Like shoulder dystocia or cord prolapse, your baby is screwed without medical intervention STRAIGHT AWAY.

I know that deep down you know your choices were for the worse here. You're obviously a deeply caring person, but your rejection of "the man" has led you down a blind alley. Best of luck for the future, but PLEASE don't repeat your mistakes as others here are encouraging you to do with their platitudes."

Look fucker, all you had to say to me were the first 5 words that you wrote: "I'm sorry for your loss". That is it! You DID NOT need to continue with anymore of what you did write. We have been through enough, so just put your pride away. We are not against medical intervention, and I never claimed to be. I do not need to justify myself, or decisions to you or anyone else. My baby is DEAD, ok? She is DEAD and nothing that any of us say or do is going to revive her ashes, GOT THAT? Yeah, maybe it is my fault, don't you think that I have visited that place? Don't you think I go there in my mind EVERY fucking day? I said that enough of these kinds of comments to me and my family is enough, AND I FUCKING MEAN IT! So anyone else who wants to make nasty or judgemental comments just go somewhere else, how about commenting on some political blog about the fucking president and all the people HE HAS killed, how about you just go and do that. Leave ME, MY HUSBAND and THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY ALONE! We don't need your distasteful and negative energy here.

Enough of That, Now Its Time To MEME!

Thank you dearest Sara for the tag! I must say I was not in the "know" about this meme-ing, but I will give it a go!

I am full of love.

I am full of hurt.

I am full of ANGER!

I am sad.


I am hopeful for the future.

I am having a hard time.

I am wanting to be pregnant.

I am ALWAYS thinking of my BIRDIE!


I am so deeply in love with my husband.

I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

I am happy for the beautiful daughter we made...together.

I am going to give him the gift of another beautiful baby someday.


I am hoping for a healthy subsequent pregnancy.

I am crazy for thinking this so soon?

I am all over the place with my thoughts.


I am thankful for all of you women out there who have given such strong support. Please know how special I believe you are, I carry you with me always. I hope someday to perhaps organize a way for us all to come together in person...

I am full of hope for all of us to get through our tough times...we WILL get through this, WE have to.


I tag,Clare,Bleu and Laura

TWO MORE COMMENTS FROM HER!

"The decision to have a home birth in the US is NOT MADE WITH THE APPROVAL OF ANY REPUTABLE MEDICAL AUTHORITY but by those women with anti-medical political agendas. OK, have a home birth--but know you are playing Russian Roulette with your life, and the life of your baby. You cannot be forced to give birth in a hospital; there are no laws mandating hospital birth, just as you can choose to drink bleach. In just about every state there are no laws about home schooling--but it doesn't mean your homeschooled child is educated.
You might be interested in today's blog entry in NHSBlogDoctor."

Posted by Antigonos to Vegetarian Mom with A Vegan Baby on da Way at 4:16 AM

"You want to talk about EVIL? Choosing a method of birth that puts a baby at undue risk is EVIL. You can flame me all you like--ANYONE WHO CHOOSES TO AVOID MEDICALLY ACCEPTABLE PRACTICES ON BEHALF OF A HELPLESS PERSON IS GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER.

Of course babies die in hospital! But not for "unknown" reasons.

As for my being a horrible midwife, who "instills fear" into her patients, well, the wall full of commendations from my mothers (some of whom are second generation patients now) belies that accusation. Also the fact that never once has a patient either sued me, or even complained about my care.

Thank you, Erin, for publicizing my email address. Another totally irresponsible act on your part."

Her Response to Her Madness Towards Me

"No, I don't want you to kill yourself, heaven forbid.

I want you to make RESPONSIBLE decisions about childbearing, beginning with
eating a NORMAL diet in pregnancy, and giving birth where medical
intervention IF IT IS REQUIRED, is seconds, not minutes or hours, away.

I am sorry it took the death of your baby to show you this, but childbirth
isn't a game, and it doesn't matter if you have a happy, positive "birth
experience", it matters that both you and your baby are SAFE. The reality
is that both you and the baby are at considerable risk during labor and
birth, no matter how uncomplicated. And in labor and birth, when
complications do arise, they arise with extreme rapidity and often without
prior warning.

Over 40 years of maternity work I have seen dozens of birth gimmicks and
fads come and go. I've seen medical theories come and go. I've done home
births, but only within the framework of a country set up for them--a
country with full medical backup available at an instant's notice. That
country is not the US."

Sarah Meir, CNM
Certified Nurse Midwife
Women's Health Center, Kupat Cholim Meuchedet
Jerusalem
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again I say, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!
What is her problem.....has she done this to anyone else? Anyone reading my blog?

I cannot believe this, did this woman actually write this to me?

Talk about guilty, this woman points at me point blank! Now I cannot help but feel the full responsibilty of Birdie's death. I did make the wrong choice. I killed my baby???????????????

UPDATE!
Holy snaps, I just cannot believe this woman, I have been thinking about what she said to me and about me and I just cannot believe her! How can anyone be so awful, absolutely raunchy to me especially after what has happened! She is such a TROLL (as some of you have stated!) What a perfect word/thing for her to be characterized as. Simply awful. I feel sorry for her, truely I do. I hope she can find some peace for herself someday. Thank you to all you lovely and supportive women/mamas out there in internet land. Your are so special, I hope maybe someday somehow we can all have a big tea party together!

Here is the comment that is bringing me to this dark place, it's totally unbelievable:

"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE.

She died because you chose to have her born in a way that maximized every possible risk--by having a home birth. You should feel guilty--you as well as killed her. So stop whining now. If you had been on intermittent fetal monitoring in a hospital, where a C/S was literally 5 minutes away, the drop in heart beat would have been discovered much sooner, and the delay in getting Birdie born much shorter and the possibility of a successful resuscitation much higher.

There are no "normal" births, full stop. There are births with complications and births without complications and it is impossible to predict before the birth which it will be. But to turn your back on modern science in order to have a romantic "birth experience" at the cost of your child is inexcusable. You are MUCH more than a "little" responsible.

I am a certified nurse midwife with 40 years experience. Home birth, except where there is FULL MEDICAL AND SURGICAL backup, as in the UK and Holland, where the Flying Squad comes to the home with the ability to do a C/S on the spot, within minutes of being called, IS DANGEROUS."

What the Fuck man! Ok, Antigonos then why then is it ok to make the choice to have homebirth at all in the US at all? Or, why doesn't the US have the same protocol for homebirth as the UK and Holland? Lets talk about this bullshit man.....why don't YOU HELP US MIDWIVES TO HAVE THE SAME THINGS THAT YOU DO? Why don't you fight for this? Yeah fight for it here in the US so you can stop blaming people like me! This is still so fresh and you are so horrible!

Here is her fucking email: sarahm@actcom.co.il

I cannot fucking believe this. What the FUCK!

Silence on this blog.


Hey there. Is anyone still out there? Where have I been? I don't know, here and there wasting time and trying to keep myself busy. The weather here has been really nice this past week, and so I have been trying to be outside as much as possible. Being able to be outside so much has been very therapeutic for me. Hearing the birds sing and just letting the sunlight soak into my skin and into my brain is a little healing, just a little bit. I am continuing to work out at the gym very regularly and that feels really good to me as well. I so desperately want to lose this extra weight. In a few weeks I am in a family wedding, and as I have said before I DON'T want to look pregnant. I wonder if it will be hard for people to see me and Matt stand up in this wedding. I hope that we are not too distracting. I feel that it is going to be really hard for me to hold it together, because well it is so hard to hold it together everyday! I don't like to hold my emotions in anyways. It is going to be a bittersweet walk down that aisle, even though I have already done so to marry my sweetheart. When I see him standing there (he is in the wedding too) so many memories are going to rush to me. So many memories, especially the memory of learning I was pregnant with my beautiful husband's baby...9 months after our wedding. I guess I am a little scared to be in this wedding. This wedding was supposed to be a happy time, we were going to be attending and standing up in it with our little baby. I had to order the dress I am wearing WAY TOO BIG for me, because I was so pregnant when I ordered it, and wanted to be assured that my boobs would fit in it. So, I ordered the thing, a size 18. I was going to have the straps specially re-sewn with clips to allow me to nurse Birdie at the wedding. All these dreams are shattered, how am I not going to think of all of this when I am up there and I am supposed to be happy for my dear friends getting married, I am terrified that I am going to ruin it for them! How the hell am I going to not breakdown and cry my eyes out.

As the days are getting closer to Mothers Day, I am just so sad... so fucking sad. As the days push away from March 3, 2007 I am just so MAD, I am so fucking ANGRY! I am so angry at the events surrounding the death of our little Birdie. I am so angry that she could not have been saved! With all the technology that we ended up having to take part in, why could she not have lived? Our little baby, our sweet little baby girl, dammit I want her here with me right fucking now! I want my little beautiful baby girl, my baby GIRL! We had a baby GIRL! A little person of my own flesh and blood who looks like me, she is dead DEAD! I cannot believe my life is what it is right now, and my arms are empty and my breasts are empty, and my heart is so FULL, SO FULL OF LOVE for a little baby who is dead. My life fucking sucks! I am so thankful for my Matty, but this little baby that we made, we created...the most beautiful artwork we have ever made, our Birdie. We made a baby and she is breathtakingly beautiful and she was taken from us before we could feel the warmth of her skin, before we could hear her cries of life, before we could look into her gorgeous eyes and her into ours and know she was safe.

Can someone please take us back in time and make this all better, please make this nightmare go away and bring our baby back to life. Why hasn't anyone done this? Why did our little girl have to die? I am so sick of thinking that I will see a sign of her somewhere, that's just bullshit. She is dead, and she can't tell us she is ok. She is just dead, she a dead little BABY! I am the mother of the most beautiful baby and she is dead, that makes no sense. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE. I have said this before, but NO GOD would take a little baby from her parents, there is something else, something else, some other reason she died. I want to know why, somebody tell me the reason (and don't say because god.....). I am SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! I want our little Birdie back, and I want her NOW!

Please don't tell me that there must be a reason she died, no reason is good enough for me. It just comes down to, OUR BABY DIED! She died and nobody, not even medical technology and genetic testing on my placenta can tell us why. My placenta that nobody would let us have after all that we went through at the hospital, my placenta became hospital property! I am still appalled at this, it was my placenta and it connected me and MY baby. MY placenta nourished my sweet little baby with the healthiest foods, and I couldn't get it back!

So, I should have gotten my period my now. I did get it back last month, and I was so surprised to, but it felt healthy and so good to have it back....to have my reproductive system cleansing itself and renewing itself. However, this month I have not had my period yet (although I had cramps last week), and I know that I am not pregnant (trust me - I know, hint. e.p..t) No I am not pregnant, but oh how I am longing for the fall months to come...to hit that 9 month since surgery mark. Has anyone had this experience of your period being funny? I feel that it is probably fine, but I know that some of you who have had a c-section might be able to put my mind at ease.

I am going to stop now. Know that really I am ok, I just feel so broken, so down and I am so hurt. All of this is not for me but for Birdie. I feel all this for her, a sweet innocent little baby that should not have had to die. No reason, NO explanation is good enough. I cannot help but feel a little bit responsible, she was in my body and I should have known she was not ok. I just should have know. (please don't tell me not to blame myself). I have to feel a little bit of blame for her death, just a little bit...I know I am not fully responsible, but just a little bit.

A Beautiful Tree For Beautiful Birdie




We planted a Magnolia tree for our baby Birdie (and Macy was cute enough to sit for the picture of her little sister's tree). We had it in mind to plant the tree on Arbor Day this past friday, but the weather here was miserable and gross. So on Saturday after we got home from the Sheep & Woolcraft Fair we planted Birdies tree. I have always loved Magnolia trees, I think that I am remembering this right but one of my grandmothers had one in her home (I think). I always make a connection between Magnolia trees and her, she LOVED flowers and BIRDS! The smell of magnolia is so lovely and sweet! It is so perfect for Birdie to have her very own magnolia tree. I hope that we are living here long enough to see it grow a bit bigger than it is! We love our apartment SO much (this apt is so much more special now with all our memories of my pregnancy), and our landlady ROCKS so hopefully we will get to stay here awhile.

I have been making some observations about myself the last few days. It seems that I am starting to be able to handle my grief and pain a little better. It also seems that this is attributed to how the weather is and how active I am. Perhaps also it has to do with my diet and how well I am eating. Last week I had been low on super nutritious food, so that probably didn't help my moods. Anyways, now that I am going back to the gym 3-4 times a week and taking Macy for long walks and hikes I am feeling a bit better(?). Don't get me wrong, I am by no means OK...my activities serve only as distractions (a temporary fix). It does feel good to be able to be active again and working out. I am working really hard to lose as much weight as I can in the next 3 weeks. I am in a wedding at the end of May...and I don't want to look pregnant standing in front of everyone! It doesn't seem like my belly has deflated much at all in the last month or so, its SO frustrating. I just dread anyone asking if I am pregnant or when I am due, I know I have written about that before but its just so horrible to have this belly! Of course you know if I had my Birdie here, alive with me I wouldn't give a damn about my belly!

I am sitting here at my desk, and staring at a picture of Birdie...she definitely has her fathers deep set eyes, and the slightest little hint of a dimpled chin just like her Papa. Dammit she is just so adorable! I can't believe we made such a beautiful child, a perfect little person and she is all ours...I am amazed by what we created together, truly amazed. It is also so amazing the extreme feelings of love that emanate from me to Birdie and to my husband. I feel like I have entered into a whole nother level of love, and what it is to love someone and to feel that love that you give out, that you give off. Its really other worldly and totally intense. I don't think that I, no, I am sure that I would not have found this level of love if it weren't for Birdie (I don't mean to give the impression that I have never loved deeply, believe me until I met Matt, I didn't know what love really was - I have always loved Matt as much and as deeply as humanly possible for me to, but my love for him is so much more amplified now, its so intense and SO great!). Even though she is not here with us psyically, she is truly truly here with us in love. I feel that love, her love for me and for Matt all the time. We are so blessed to have such a special child that could show us absolute true love. She is our little baby love for always and all time.

Birdie you are so precious, so special.
I love you always and everywhere I am.

Love, Mama

Birdie, Today You Would Be 8 Weeks Old

Sweetest little one, today is April 28th...and you would have been 8 weeks old. We miss you so much little darling girl. Today we did some really nice things in memory of you.
We went to a sheep and wool craft fair, where we saw some really cute little sheeps, and some big sheeps. They were all so sweet and gentle, it was so hard not to imagine you touching their soft newly sheared bodies and giggling with excitement. For Mama & Papa it was so nice to be near the sheep and to touch them. It has always been very healing for us to be surrounded by animals, they are so gentle and sweet. We saw a few (human) babies today, that was very hard and painful but somehow it was bearable. Well, to a point it was, the last one we saw (was very new) was being carried by its Mama in a baby wrap...that was too much for me, we left immediately.

Next we went to visit one of my grandfathers graves (which I hadn't done in a long time...too long) the afternoon was so nice and it felt so nice to have a visit. We had one of your remembrance cards and so we dug into the earth a little, and placed the card in the soil right next to your great grandfathers headstone. The sun was shining on you both, together and so peaceful.

When we got home from our adventures Papa began digging the hole to plant your magnolia tree. Papa did a great job digging the hole, then we mixed the soil from the ground with some planting soil we had bought. As we were placing the tree into the earth the little girl next door came over and helped us to place the soil in the hole and around the tree. She is a very nice little girl Birdie, you would really like her. Well, then we watered your tree a couple of times, let the water settle and placed the final touches of soil around the tree and the planting of your tree was done. What a lovely tree your tree is Birdie...its so beautiful and smells beautiful just like you.

We are so excited to watch your tree grow my love. Your tree will grow as our love for you grows...forever and ever...as long as forever is.

(I will post a photo of Birdie's tree tomarrow)

All our love Birdie.
Love, Mama & Papa

Thinking Blogger am I
Look at what I have been graced with...

This is really sweet. Thank you all who visit us here at our baby blog. You are helping to keep Birdie's sweet memory alive.

All love & peace to you...

I am greatly inspired by so many of you who I have found via:
Baby Loss Directory
(thank you - Delphi, Julian's Mom, Kate & Msfitzita for starting this site it is so important!)

While I can't mention ALL of you here are just a few:
Clare
Sara
Delphi
Bleu
Making A Life

I hope you will keep coming back to check on us...and I hope that you all can find some sense of peace and maybe inspiration from the many other mothers out there.

THINKING...

about Birdie and what my life is to become under the guise of "The New Normal".
What a crappy day it is here today, this rainy gloomy weather does nothing to lift my spirits. I spent pretty much the entire day changing this blog around, giving the blog that was started because of Birdie a spring spruce up! I think it's looking pretty nice. =)

Well, I had an ok week...with the weather helping me to have an ok week. Well, that is until today, my Baby is sending us her cool tears on these days of rain and gloomy grey. On days like this I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and hibernate from all my emotions. On days like this I can't even tell really how I am. I just feel so sad and mopy, but I force myself to stay active...I have to! Then I get to these moments on some days, like today, like right now and I stop and make believe that I have a living breathing baby. Yes, I have a live baby like so many other mothers do! Hello reality, hello to my life. My empty arms, my heart full of love for a child that I cannot hold, that I cannot kiss that I cannot nurse. Birdie I am still here? Where are you? Birdie my sweet lovely girl, Mama still wants you to be in her belly again where you can be safe and hide from death. Oh, wait I forgot it is inside my belly that you died. I am sorry my love.

This whole new reality is so strange, its so wierd. I feel like I am just going through the motions sometimes...well more than sometimes. Here I go, I am here, alive typing on this keyboard...there I go, taking the dog for a walk...eating...sleeping..peeing...shitting...

I am doing all these things but sometimes now I don't know for what...what is doing all these things now after Birdie's death getting me? I don't mean to sound like what is the point if one has no children, but that really is how I feel. Now that I have been touched by motherhood, more like I have been brushed by motherhood...where is my prize, oh yeah...my baby girl is dead. I am so heartbroken, and what pains me even more is that I am not the only one! I can feel the pain of the many who have had to experience this. It fucking sucks and why is there not more done to prevent this, by research etc. Yes, I am pissed off and I am hating the world right now. I am entitled to this.

Birdie, I don't mean to get upset. It's just that I wish all the love I have always had for you could have somehow helped you to stay here with us. Today I couldn't even plant your tree (we got a beautiful magnolia tree to plant for Birdie today - Arbor Day). The weather is just so sad and gross. I didn't want all the lovely blossoms to fall off.

I love you so much Birdie, you are my sweet little love.
Mama

In Loving Memory of Our Beautiful Babies...


I want to call out to any and all Mommies who are living in the Massachusetts area and close by states (CT, NY, VT, NH) who have suffered the loss of a child (miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or unexplained death). I want to start a once a month meet-up for us all. A place to meet and share stories about our babies, bring your knitting or crocheting, read poems or stories and or share your artwork. We can drink tea & coffee, eat yummy pastries and offer each other support (etc). This would be a great way for us blogging mommies to come together to form real life relationships, real life support (not that I do not need and appreciate all the fellow blogger support, it is AMAZING). Just that it would be so great to put faces to the blogging names. If there are any of you out there who are interested please contact me.

This is just a thought right now, it depends on if you all want this too. It just seems that it would be a positive step for us all.
To get us away from our computer screens and out into the world, something that I found hard to do on my own.

***Also, I wated to ask you ALL out there if you have heard anything about LEAD and its possible connection to misscariage and stillbirth. I have recently read some information pointing to this link. We live in an old victorian home (apt.) with lead paint our basement & in the soil in the yard (med levels). Has anyone else read about this? Have you had your blood levels for LEAD tested?

All Love to you ALL!

Birdie You Would Be 7 Weeks Now...

Sweet, Sweet little Birdie. I cannot believe that you would be almost 2 months old if you were still alive. Its so disturbing that you are not alive. When I stop and really think about your death, you-just a little helpless baby it angers me so much. How can a perfect little tiny baby die? I am so much more aware of the fragility and the uncertainty of life. It is a lesson that I did not want to learn, nor do I feel like we needed to learn this. I feel like I have always valued life, and I began to value the miracle of life...your life when I learned you were growing inside of me. What a beautiful feeling, that first moment I knew about you, that in 9 months I would be holding YOU! Our perfect, beautiful little baby. No, we had not been planning to make you, but we had, and we were so ecstatic over having made you! I will never understand nor will anyone, why you had to leave us the way you did.

Today Papa and I had our genetic testing appointment, ultimately we got no answers.

Nothing to help us answer and of the whys or how's about your death. You, your short life and sudden death are a mystery and a miracle all at the same time. Your beginning was beautiful, your life inside my womb was beautiful...and you showed me your death was beautiful. I truly want to believe that, I do. Birdie, I don't want to be sad when I think about you, but it's truly hard not to be. I wanted to show you so many things, I was so excited to be able to spend time with you everyday. I was going to take you to town, show you off to everyone...to spend time outside on the porch, watch the Birdie's come and eat and hear them sing. Your Papa and me both wanted these things and so much more. So any people tell me you are ok where you are, or that people they know that have died are with you looking out for you. How do we really know this is true? We have not received any sign that this is true. I cannot believe any of that until you show me that you are ok, but how can you? How would a newborn baby know how to do this?

I am so disturbed by this, it makes no sense at all. How is it that you are here living with us, your body in an urn? The ashes of your body, all that I worked so hard for by eating the healthiest organic foods is sitting on our mantle? Your baby body cremated to ash, its so messed up. Babies shouldn't die, they just shouldn't! We want you to be here Birdie! Is there some miracle you can perform to make yourself come back to life? Can you undo all that has been done? Can you make us all go back in time? Mama & Papa just want your little baby body alive and here with us so that we can love you in this place, in this life NOW!

So, today was our genetic testing meeting, and we got no answers. Just some suggestions of tests to have the "next time". I can't believe we have to even go there to think of the "next time". We want the baby that we made, that I grew.
WE WANT BIRDIE! I am feeling anxious about so much right now, I'm anxious about Birdie (obviously), getting pregnant again (and hoping it will all be ok "next time", my age (even though I am only 28-I will be 29 soon), the unknowns of my family history (i am adopted).

Is this real? Is this really my life now? Did Birdie really die? What the fuck!

So, friday I went to a "Sew-cial", it was super good to go to. The sew-cial was an evening of hanging out with women who I have never met before. I brought my knitting, and some other did to and others were sewing. We hung out, talked about knitting, sewing, family etc. It felt good to get out (i had not really left the house much-and if I did it was to go to a "safe place"). So, I got out and I had a good time. I cannot believe I said that! It's true I did have a good time, it was hard to hear other women talking about their kids though. The women there are around my age, you know the baby making age. Well, after about an hour of being there a baby came in in stroller. In my head I was freaking out, but I kept cool...for a little bit. The mama of the baby sat at my table and set up her sewing machine, she was really nice. Shortly after talking a little bit, someone told her her baby was awake, so she went and got the baby and started to nurse. I was super happy she was nursing her baby, but inside I was dying...my body, my breasts ached for Birdie. It became a little too much for me to sit right next to a nursing mama, so I politely got up and excused myself. The other women/mamas said there goodbyes and I left. It was probably around 8pm, and it was dark outside....when I waked out the door and got to the corner, a beautiful bird began to sing! I was already crying a little, but that got me! It was like Birdie was right there saying hello I love you Mama!

What I didn't write about going to the sew-cial, is that I normally wouldn't just go to something like that, I am usually too shy. However then woman who started it was very encouraging and supportive of me coming to it (I told her about Birdie, and she is a Mama herself). As soon as I walked in the door and introduced myself she walked over to me and gave me a great big hug. That made me feel so welcome, it was so sweet. Then, in talking with the other women at my table that night...we were talking about our midwives, one of them happened to have the same midwife as me! So, I told them what had happened....I wanted them to know how great our homebirth experience and my labor had been until it all changed. I still do feel proud of myself for laboring without drugs, It made me really see how strong I am. Anyways, I wanted these women to know that I am a Mama too! They were all so sweet...so very kind. I felt like I had done the right thing going there. I will try and go again this week...maybe I will last longer around a nursing mama.

Yesterday (sunday) I helped do some planting in our yard. We have a great landlady...she is more like family to us now. Anyway, she and a friend had been planning a garden, and so I helped plant some seeds and lots of wildflowers to fill in the dirt areas where weeds used to be. I ended up spending the whole day outside (i took a break for 1 hour, that was it!). I was outside from 11:30-6pm! For any of you fellow gardeners I have a question. The soil in our yard was tested, and there are moderate levels of lead...is it safe for me to be around if we are hoping to get pregnant again in the next 9 mos or so? If I shouldn't be around the dirt in the yard let me know, I don't want to take the risk!

I cannot believe I wrote this much, my fingers hurt!

All love and peace. Birdie, I love you...................
xo-Mama Erin

Today I went hiking for Birdie (with Macy of course)
CLICK HERE to read the writing on the image
Today Macy and I went hiking for Birdie. It was such a beautiful day here I couldn't believe it! Finally the gloom of this past weekend is gone, something that I and Matt needed very much. It was so miserable here last weekend, rainy, snowy, rainy snow...horrible! Depressing on top of being depressed!

Anyways, so yes today (and yesterday), were days to get outside and breathe the spring air and just enjoy life. Matty wasn't well yesterday so he didn't get to come outside and play, though he did sit outside for a little while, so he got some vitamin D.

I spent alot of the this morning working on our backyard which has gotten a little torn up...how you ask? Well there is this woman who is going to be gardening in our backyard with our landlady...and this lady while digging the garden plots was tossing many large pieces of cement and bricks into the back of the yard. I don't think she realized that when she was throwing the cement and bricks in the yard it tore up the grass. This made me feel a little sad because these things were just left in the yard with the yard looking kind of crappy. So, yesterday I started picking up the bricks and smaller cement pieces and began to make piles for bricks, cement and rocks. Anyways, the nice day today encouraged me to stack the rest of the bricks against the garage, so the yard looks a bit better after stacking the bricks and raking the weeds and torn up grass into piles.

Anywho, so today started out with my 7 week checkup with one of our nurse midwives.
Everything looks good, my uterus is shrunken down very small as it should be...I look really healthy she said. My ab muscles are still coming back together, but other than that I'm good.
So, I guess now we just try and be patient for 6 more months (since we are past march and april pretty much now) to try for another baby, a sister or brother for our Birdie. It's going to be hard to wait, but we both know for my health and the health of a new baby it's really best to wait to avoid even the smallest possibility of uterine rupture. It will be better to for our mental state after becoming pregnant as well.

So Macy and me went for a hike, as I was cleared to excercise again...I wanted to start with a nice hike in the woods around here, a fresh start for my body. Macy too needed to get out and she had a ball running up the hills and swimming in the streams! Seeing Macy that way always makes me smile and lauph, deffinately a good thing! I also wanted to go hiking with the intention of finding a nice tree that I could tie a ribbon on (a ribbon from one of the plants we got after Birdie died), then place some dried flowers and one of Birdie's remembrance cards on. I found a perfect spot. Below are a few photos from our adventure today. Being out in nature has always been something that I love to do, and now somehow it feels even more right to me, more special to be out there...it's like Birdie is everywhere...especially in the forest where you cannot escape the beauty, it engulfs you!

My recovering body & mind
Last monday I started my period, and oh boy has is gotten heavy & clotty (not too clotty though). I started to get a little concerned over the weekend about it (carrying on for so long,& the heaviness of it etc.) so I emailed one of our many midwives (2 homebirth midwives, 6 nurse midwives). She reassured me that everything sounded completely normal, but to keep her up to date about the bleeding. Then last night still having bleeding and it seeming a bit heavier, I got a little bit concerned again. So, this morning I called the midwives and I was again told this was totally normal, that it sounded good and I might have my period for a few weeks. I was relieved, nobody told me what to expect (about this) afterwards...and I was thinking that I would be one of the women whose cycle doesn't come back a month or so after delivering. I feel really about having my cycle starting this soon (5 weeks) after my emergency c-section. This means my uterus is being cleansed and my reproductive system can start a new. Now I have to take really good care of myself, eat healthy, exercise, spend as much time with my husband as I can, smile, laugh, eventually enjoy the spring weather & think good thoughts about Birdie and what she brought to my life, and all that I brought and gave to hers.

Something about my breakdown last week that I hadn't thought of or made any connection was that it happened while my period was getting going...so on top of my crazy nerves the hormones of having my period did not help matters. I think that the homeopathics I am taking are helping, at least they seem to be. I was able to start working last monday (I am lucky to be able to work from home). While it was a little hard to concentrate, I managed to get many things accomplished. I was able to zone out a little when I was working and just think about the task at hand.

I have been looking at a photo of myself when I was 1 years old, and the many many photos of Birdie that we have (we are so lucky to have them). There are a couple in particular that I wanted to share, to show you how much Birdie looks like me when I was a baby. At least I think that she does, and this is so amazing to me. I am adopted, and so I have nobody close to me that looks like me. So here are some photos, I have solo one's of Birdie and of me, and one that I put our photos together side by side. What do you think, do you see my features on Birdie's face? There are also some goofy photos of Matty and Macy dancing from this past weekend. Somehow through all our pain we are able to find our senses of humor again. Matt has always been amazingly thoughtful and caring to me, especially after I became pregnant...and not even more so. He is being such a great source of true love, support and understanding in my grieving, and I am trying to be that for him as well. He is my best friend and companion, losing Birdie has brought us even more close. However, even through his hurting, his deep pain he still somehow finds the means to want to make me smile & laugh...when you see the photos below you will see what I mean. My husband is a total goober, and I love him for it. I am so much more than lucky to have him in my life.

Photos of Birdie & Me:






And now...the goofy photos:

Yesterday was so intense...no everyday is!

I appologize if I scared some of you, family, friends, midwives and strangers. Yesterday was just so absolutely horrible, and I felt like I was losing my mind.

Today is no so bad, I still have some self guilt lingering I have to admit. I do know that really, ultimately what happened to Birdie was not my fault. The hard thing is feeling that as her mother I should have somehow had the magical mama powers to keep her alive, to convince her to fight to stay alive just for a few more minutes! I cannot help but replay how things took such a dramatic turn for the horrific! I have to do this, this is part of my grieving and I know that is all it is. Matt and I had a very long and tearfull talk last night after he read what I had wrote, he had not seen what I wrote and I felt really bad about that. We are totally open and honest about everything but I just didn't want to scare him with my deepest and scary emotions. Though I know that he does not get scared about anything that has to do with me, he is amazing and accepting of everything. Anyways, he let me blurt out all the shit I had to get out to cry hysterically into his neck and snot all over my hand.

Like I said today is better, just a wee bit. I went to whole foods and picked up a few homeopathic stress remedies, I could ask one of our midwives for something stronger, but I am terrified of drugs and I don't want to become addicted. I don't have that kind of personality anyways, but I want to avoid them anyways. I am on a special fertility diet to heal and keep my girls ready for when we try again (not for at least 9 months), so those crazy girl pills are out of the question.

I can't believe I am writing about that! Dammit! I should not have to be writing or even thinking about having another baby...we should have our Birdie!

Ok, thats enough I should take a breather here.

By the way, thank you EVERYONE for your very gentle and comforting words.

I love you all, even though I don't know some of you.

Birdie, I am sorry


My sweet little Birdie, I am so sorry that you are dead. It's so hard for Mama to not blame herself for what happened to you. I feel betrayed by my body...I feel like I betrayed you and I couldn't save you.

Today we had a meeting with the doctor/surgeon who performed the emergency c-section to try to save your life, as well as with the midwife who comforted mama before the surgery stared. It really seems from all the questions and discussion we had that I was in labor with you for too long honey. My labor with you was just too much, and I am so sorry Birdie. I feel so selfish for making the decision to even try a home birth for you, we thought that it was the best most healthy and safe place for you to be born. I feel so bad that we didn't continue to see our other/backup midwives as well.

I just feel so selfish and so horrible. Birdie I AM SO SORRY. Mama never meant for anything bad to happen to you, you are my precious little girl and I love you so much. I just cannot shake the feeling that I was absolutely selfish for ever considering home birth for you. There were never any signs that this was a bad decision because I was so healthy, and so were you. It was so hard to not think that everything would be fine, babies are born everyday and they are fine...babies are born at home everyday and they are fine! I am just so sorry Birdie, you were such a healthy big baby and I feel at fault for your death, you should be here with us safe and warm in our arms.

I love you so much Birdie. I love you SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Things should not be the way they are now, Mama & Papa should not be missing you this way, and we should not be in so much pain. I don't cry for me or feel sad for me, Birdie I feel cry for you and that this could have been prevented with the care of our backup midwives. Its so hard to think that maybe with stress tests maybe you would have lived. I just cannot help but think this right now. People can tell me that it's not my fault, but it really does look like it is. So now all Mama can do is think of you, look at your pictures, your ashed in your urn and my scar where you passed through my body and into my heart forever. I want to look at your beautiful baby body squirming around in your co-sleeper, on my chest and in Papa's arms!

I promise Birdie that some day we will make a baby sister or brother for you, and I promise to raise that sister or brother to love you and know all about you. Mama and Papa are going to take some time before we make another baby, Mama needs to heal her bodily scars and her emotional one's a bit. Birdie, we will honor you with a baby sister or brother, we not ever forget you....you are so very special and so very loved by many.

ALL MY LOVE TO YOU BIRDIE,

LOVE MAMA

Thinking so much about our Birdie
These photos reflect the mood I am in right now so well.



I simply cannot believe that our baby is dead. I cannot believe that I am living right now without my baby in my arms. How and why did this happen to us? We are good people, we love each other so much and our families. I know that there is not really any point to keep asking why but I have received no information from the universe or any living person, and Birdie has not come to me in my dreams and shown me anything to give me any peace. How can I trust that my baby girl is really ok where she is? I am trying to hold up really I am, but I keep falling down. I don't believe in god, and if I did how could I continue to after this? I cannot believe that any god would cause so much grief, sadness, hurting & pain. Why would any god separate a baby from its parents? Nobody can give me any good enough answer to this ever. FUCK! And FUCK THERE BEING NO GOOD REASON FOR THIS! I just want to have Birdie here with us. I should not be a part of this stupid stillbirth loss club (I mean no disrespect) that I am a part of now. This never should have happened! I did nothing but take the best care of myself and my baby my whole pregnancy. I ate & drank only organic food, I drank more water than I needed to, I took my prenatal vitamins before I knew I was pregnant, I went swimming with her in my tummy. So why the fuck did this happen? WHY? There were never any signs that anything was wrong my whole pregnancy. Dammit I just want to make some sense of this somehow.

Sometimes I feel like I never even gave birth to a baby, I gave birth to a ghost. This is just all so surreal that it really feels like Birdie never was ever really here, even though I know she was (and is). When I got to hold her she felt so present with me, so much so that I thought she would open her eyes. She looked like she would open her eyes and start to cry because she was so scared what had happened. I wanted so badly for her to cry and gasp for air. I would give anything to go back in time for that to happen. I am so grateful for being pregnant with her, for knowing her through feeling her moving and kicking and sleeping. I never once took any part of my pregnancy with her for granted and I am so glad for that. I was nothing but happy the whole time, I was so blessed to have her growing inside of me. Being adopted, I never really had anything that was any resemblance of myself. I knew nobody that looked like me, or had my mannerisms etc. I was so excited to finally have that. To have been a part of creating something from myself that would resemble me and maybe have some of my mannerisms and some of my personality. To have all of this taken away for no reason is so hard because she looks like me when I was a baby and a toddler. I have a photo of my grandfather and I when I was a year old, and when if you hold that photo next to hers she looks just like me. I had red hair when I was born, and so does she...so does she.

Oh Birdie, Mama misses you so much....SO MUCH honey. I just cannot handle that you are physically gone. I know you are here with us, I do but I miss your body, your skin and your sweet baby smell. Mama and Papa both miss you baby girl, and I'm sorry for crying so much but sometimes when I think really hard about you and all the things I wanted for you I get really sad. Birdie I really hope that wherever you are that you feel all this love that we have for you, its seems like you must because its bursting out of our hearts. I will try to wait patiently to see you in my dreams my love, but Mama really needs to know you are ok now. I need to know you didn't suffer when you heart was slowing down, please sweetie please show me you are ok.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!

THE PHYSICAL SCAR I CANNOT HIDE!
Yesterday we went out to get me some new pants. I am sick of wearing the maternity pants that I had been wearing just about everyday when I was pregnant, and since I have again been able to wear pants. I mean not that I am sick of them, they are nice reminders of being pregnant with Birdie, but I just needed a change. Well, shopping was so depressing, SO DEPRESSING! It felt horrible in so many ways. I couldn't fit into anything. Pants, shirts and skirts...everything looked horrific to me! I still have a lot of my extra pregnancy weight (and a belly that makes me look pregnant, I am afraid of someone asking how far along I am!)because I have to wait to go back to the gym. I don't have a baby to nurse to help me loose my weight either! DAMMIT! Shopping reminded me of this...and it also made me remember how small I was when I got pregnant (110-115 lbs). I am a petite person so I look a little overweight. Atleast I think I do, my very sweet husband does not; he always says he loves my figure no matter what. Well despite all this, shopping sucked. I wanted to fit into all the cute little clothes I used to like shopping for, but I had to settle for sweat pant like pants because NOTHING FITS ME RIGHT! Then on top of all this my belly is sticking out, and I look like I am 20 weeks pregnant! See for yourself below. Photo on the left is me at 20 weeks, on the right I am 1 month 1 day after c-section.











Today is a really shitty day, its raining and gray outside...I cried my eyes out for a bit while our sweet boxer girl Macy tried to kiss my tears away, and Matt is teaching this afternoon. I am missing Birdie SO MUCH! Some days it's not so bad and we get through it without crying, but not today I'm afraid, not today. Also, I want to share with you all photos of my c-section scar...it might be hard for some of you to see, I understand. But I feel I need to share this, after all it is where our Birdie was born from, it is a hard scar for a woman to have but it is also a reminder of the birth of our babies and so it somehow transforms and becomes beautiful. It is still very hard for me to look in the mirror and see my scar, its still so recent. At the same time when I run my fingers over it I am connected to Birdie. Oh, my darling Birdie I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! SO MUCH!

In Memory & Celebration of Birdie
On Saturday we went to Boston to see Amiina in concert at the MFA-Boston. It was so amazing, beautiful, spiritual, enlightening and inspiring. The music of Amiina is so ethereal and innocently beautiful. Beautiful, just like our little Birdie.

For Birdie's wake we had made a cd of music to have playing in the background, there were many Amiina songs that were on the cd. So, now any music written and played by Amiina is like the soundtrack of Birdie's short time with us. I found out about Amiina by chance when I was around 5 or 6 months pregnant with Birdie, I was immediately struck by the beauty of their music, so quiet, so moving...it was perfect to play for Birdie in my womb. I purchased their LP and I would play it for Birdie all the time. I think she was probably sleeping in my belly when I would play Amiina's music for her, because she was always quiet when I did play it...I hope she was dreaming the loveliest of dreams. So, for Birdie's one month we honored her by taking a little bit of her with us to see Amiina in concert(I have a beautiful charm with some of her ashes within it-it hangs on my neck, close to my heart), and her froggy(which I held the whole time), and a small photo album of her to the concert. It was a very lovely time, it was hard not to be moved to tears...all we could think of the whole time was Birdie. If Birdie were music, this is the music she would be...no, she is this music...every note, every passage and every crescendo is Birdie.

Here are some photos of our mantle that has Birdies urn, photos and candles for her, it is in a prime location in our apartment so we walk by and stop and visit with her many times a day. Then at night she gets put to sleep in her co-sleeper in our room. It is where she would have slept every night...right next to our bed, though probably in between us in our bed too. I hope that you will take a moment to go to the
On Saturday we went to Boston to see Amiina website to take a listen to their music...you will then hear how beautiful their music is for yourself and know why it is so important to us as a reminder of our little baby girl Birdie.