31 Weeks With Bunny

I feel like we have reached a new level of hope at 31 weeks, I can't put my finger on just what it is that brings me to this feeling. Maybe it's the Hypnobabies class and the affirmations I have been listening to obsessively on a daily basis. Or maybe, I have truly reached a place of peace and confidence within myself. Whatever it is, I welcome it and it feels good. I know that getting to this place can be very hard for others who have experienced loss, I hope that maybe my ability to feel like I do can give someone else some strength to allow confidence and hope into their own heart.

Yesterday we did something that I wish that we had done while pregnant with Birdie. Take a look right HERE.

Yes, we had a pregnancy photo session and it was absolutely amazing. We had so much fun, and never felt that we couldn't just be ourselves. The photographer that we went to is such a compassionate woman, who is truly gifted, her name is Jessie Passon. I must give her a plug here on the blog, because she takes such lovely images for so many, but also because she is a volunteer photographer for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization (that is why I chose her to do this for us, she knows how important this pregnancy is.)

This week I will post one of the images she took of us, as she is giving me permission to do so. =)

In the meantime, here are some photos that I took back in March-April. They're medium format photos that I finally got around to having processed and scanned. Some are from our trip to Virginia in March, some are more random. enjoy.

welcome sweet little miracle!

There is a blog that I have been following almost daily, the blog is Julia's at Won't Fear Love. Today when I went to check in on her and her subsequent pregnancy, there was such good news to be found! Her sweet little miracle has arrived, safely. Please take a moment to read her post, and wish her and her family good wishes!

I am beside myself with joy and tears of happiness and relief for her and her family.

30 Weeks With Bunny

Holy shit!



Not that I am in disbelief that we have made it this far, because in my heart I truly want to believe that this baby is going to make it. It's just that in the very early weeks of this pregnancy I was on such shaky ground. So unsure and so very scared. Somehow I have been able to work through those feelings, not that they do not linger, they do. They are just not at the forefront. I am really making an effort to be positive and so far it seems to be working for me, for us.




So, here I sit, 30 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday's Midwife appointment (we are going every 2 weeks now), my glucose test was great as was my iron level, I only gained nearly 2 pounds in 2 weeks and baby Bunny's head is DOWN! All good news. There isn't a big concern about my weight, but there is a little bit of one since I have already gained nearly 34 pounds. To counter too much more gaining I have been diligent about going to the Y 3 times a week and using the elliptical for 40-50 minutes, and I have still been walking Ms. Macy 2-3 times a day for at least 30 minutes at a time (sometimes longer if it's not too hot!). It is still feeling so good to work out, and get the amount of exercise that I am getting. I think that I have more energy at this time than I had with Birdie...maybe, I could just be making that up.




This next week is going to be interesting, we are watching my parents dog (for a week), and he is just over a year old. He is a little bit naughty at times, you have to be really firm with him to get his full attention (he's also a little bit goofy). Anyways, he is here and Macy is here and here am I. Matt is on a mini tour with his band, so I am pretty much house bound until sunday. I'm very thankful though that Macy has a good friend in Booda (my parents dog), they love each other very much. Anyways, I am rambling here.



p.s. the Hypnobabies class ROCKS! I wasn't sure how receptive I would be to the self-hypnosis, but I AM and its SO INTENSE! Using this, and going to a Hypnotherapist to work out our birth fears/fear triggers is really going to help us.

Proposal Submitted!

Well, it's taken me more than a year, but I have finally gotten my shit together (thanks to the lovely Eliza and her expert writing help!). Yes, I have submitted a proposal to have a show and I am feeling so DAMN good about it. Maybe now my wish to have a showing of our photos, and the new photos I have been developing (from the hospital photos) will come true before or very near Birdie's 2nd birthday. It certainly would be amazing and so important to my family. I am also putting together a list of other galleries and some museums to submit to. My goal is to get this proposal out to as many places as I can in the next few weeks. If your interested, here is the final draft!


I believe that photography plays an important role in capturing pivotal moments in one's life and in others’ lives. For many, the first photographs of their newborn will become the most joyful and treasured of family photographs.


For some, those first moments, those most happy and life-changing moments will never exist. Instead the first impression of their newborn child will be filled with silence and tears. Neonatal loss, or the death either before or during the birth of a newborn, is specific to my own personal history, and in the work that I am proposing to show I document the stillbirth of my first child. Upon waking from an emergency surgery to find that we had lost our daughter my world and existence were crushed beyond what words can describe, distilled into imagery and impression alone. Within my shock I somehow requested that my parents bring me my camera. While of course I was devastated by my daughter's unexpected death, I was compelled to photograph my child, my husband, and myself. I didn’t give it a second thought. To me it felt like the right thing to do, to create and document the only memories we could ever have of our brief time as a family, and later on these photographs provided the raw material for some new images I went on to create. In September 2007 I began photographing myself, and my husband at a time when the intensity of our grief was beginning to transform. I sandwiched the images together creating portraits that reveal a struggle of conflicting emotions that are just beneath the surface, and through the same process combined images of my husband and myself with our daughter, literally making my own memories of our emotions at the time.


These photographs, although obviously personal and intense, hold so much importance for so many, because "each year in the United States, out of an estimated 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies, there are more than half a million miscarriages, twenty-nine thousand stillbirths and thirty nine thousand infant deaths under 1 year of age." This leaves an estimated 568,000 families forever changed by this terrible experience each year, but somehow that is something our society seems to overlook as a whole. Post-mortem photography, once the norm, has now fallen out of fashion. I believe that there is still a place for this, depending on each individual family's feelings on the matter, especially when you are talking about the death of a newborn, whose family won't have any other pictures by which to remember a child.


Family Portrait is an exploration of the invisibility and denial of grief in American society. Why do we hide from grief, from fully feeling and processing our own most painful memories, and shy away from the grief of others? I ask this question specifically when the death we hide from is that of a neonate, the most unimaginable and tragic but paradoxically also the most unacknowledged of losses.


Through these photographs I seek to make a meaningful contribution to the much-needed discourse in the artistic community about death in today's society, as well as raising the awareness for the many "invisible" deaths that occur every year in this country and around the world. Showing these photographs at A.P.E. has great relevance to the community, as through our experience my husband and I have met many local families who have been touched by the death of a newborn. The short lives of the children of families touched by a loss like ours need not remain invisible, and our very real and overwhelming grief deserves recognition; it is my hope that this exhibit will not only move and speak to families like mine, but make people whose lives have not been touched by such a loss have more compassion for friends and family of theirs whose lives may be.


In addition to getting this proposal out into the hands of gallery directors, I have also found re-newed inspiration for continuing this lifelong photographic project. A while ago, I planned to photograph every single object we have that Birdie's flesh made contact with (the monkey onesie we dressed her in, her little stuffed froggy, the hat and mitts I knit for her etc.), and ALL of the objects that we have acquired since she passed (and that's A LOT!). For a short time, my desire to actually go through with the project faded, but I have been re-inspired, and I hope in the next few weeks with Matt's help to get this project off the ground. I will keep you posted about it, as I will probably take some preliminary/test shots with my digital camera before actually loading my medium format and burning through a lot of film (something I am totally excited for, I love the look of medium format photographs, so beautiful and elegant).

Birdie, this is all for you my love. You are my true inspiration, I want to make something beautiful for you and about you everyday, always....forever!

So I was just over on the Mothering.com website when I saw that in this month's issue there is an article about what a stir Ricki Lake has caused with her "Business Of Being Born" film. Now, I haven't commented in a very, very long time about this subject for obvious reasons, but I have to chime in here. I understand (because I can remember the naive person I used to be) the very alluring and almost sexiness of the homebirthing world. Yes, it looks and feels and sounds so lovely and romantic almost, and is made to sound all the more that was by so many who are "A Part Of That World, and Way of Thinking". While I do feel that she has and had every right to make the film that she did, I also feel that it could almost become a dangerous tool of some kind. After all, she is a high profile celebrity who had a "beautiful" homebirth, that resulted in a live child! Women look up to her, women see this achievement and maybe to some degree are influenced against their (perhaps) better judgement to then have a homebirth, or "attempt" one. Now, I know that everyone has every right to decide for themselves, I do not mean to trample all over that. I just feel that it's a little dangerous what Ricki is doing...I mean because of all the hoopla, the medical community is now fighting homebirthing mothers even harder! The line of trust is being drawn even further and further apart. So, what will this mean for the next "former" homebirthing mother like myself?

The totally open minded woman who chose to trust her homebirth midwives with her life and that of her baby's? What happens when that next birthing woman is at home, and things become serious and the baby is in distress and they have to transport to the hospital? What happens when she shows up to the hospital and is perhaps not taken as seriously (than if she was a regular birthing paient) because the staff KNOWS she was "attempting" a homebirth and all went completely wrong?

I worry so very much for all those mothers for who this will happen to, and yes, it will happen. I was a statistic, and there will be others. I can only imagine the road Ms. Lake would be on right now if her homebirth went very wrong and her dear child passed. She would probably be a very loud advocate for all if US! Bereaved mothers everywhere would be seen and heard FINALLY! Not to mention that the danger that homebirth can bring would be exposed. Yes, it is dangerous, DON'T try and tell me otherwise because you will only piss me off. Birth can also be dangerous in hospital too, yes this I know, don't preach to me about that either.

What do you think about what Ms. Lake is doing? Does it ruffle your feathers?

By the way, I am doing well. Baby Bunny is doing well too. Last night he/she was flipping around, kicking punching with great force! This Bunny Rabbit is very rambunctious! If I seem like I am holding it together pretty well, well I am. Honestly like I have said before I just cannot dwell on the past and get lost in the negative. For me and for Bunny I must stay positive and be optimistic, even with all I now know. Matt and I started our Hynobabies class this week, for those of you who don't know I 100% recommend it for birth preparation. Already I feel just how much this class is going to empower me, allow me to TRULY relax and just allow my body to do what it is designed to do, and allow this baby be born. It's a 5 week course, and it comes with a good amount of self-hypnosis Cd's that I am supposed to listen to every day. I am obsessed with the "Pregnancy Affirmations" CD (I'm listening right now!), which has 150 positive pregnancy and birth messages on it (and the woman's voice saying them isn't annoying!). There is also a "fear release" cd, as far as I can tell that should help immensely for being able to let go some of my (and Matt's) subconscious fears about birth and Birdies birth. (It has been recommended that we also see a Hypnotherapist a few times to tap into that part of our subconscious minds, I'm just trying to find the right person)

*Hypnobabies is not the same as the Hypnobirth program/classes. From what I understand after reading many reviews/comparisions of the 2 programs, it is much more involved/detailed, and offers more self hypnosis CD's that are produced more professionally than the Hypnobirth program's Cd's. Again the class we are doing is Hypnobabies and I 100% recommend it!*

Check out there website and the birth stories that can be found there

The Fire Has Been Lit, and I Am Off And Running!

Here is a 2nd Draft, thank you so much Eliza & Sara for your expert writing help! With your gracious assistance this proposal is shaping up to be something so much stronger than I could have written on my own. I am still open to critiques, so keep em' coming!



I believe in the important role photography plays in capturing pivotal moments in one's life and in other's lives. For many, the first photographs of their newborn will become the most joyful and treasured of family photographs.


For some, those first moments, those most happy and life-changing moments will never exist. Instead the first impression of their newborn child will be filled with silence and tears. Neonatal loss, or the death either before or during the birth of a newborn, is specific to my own personal history and in the work that I am proposing to show I document the stillbirth of my first child. Following the death of my daughter I requested that my parents bring me my camera. While of course I was devastated by my daughter's unexpected death, I was compelled to photograph my child, with myself and my husband, didn’t give it a second thought. To me it felt like the right thing to do, to create the only memories we could of our brief time as a family.


These photographs, although obviously personal and intense, hold so much importance for so many, because "each year in the United States, out of an estimated 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies, there are more than half a million miscarriages, twenty-nine thousand stillbirths and thirty nine thousand infant deaths under 1 year of age." Leaving an estimated 568,000 thousand families devastated by this terrible experience each year, something that our society seems to overlook as a whole. Post-mortem photography, once the norm, has now fallen out of fashion, and I believe that there is still a place for this, depending on each individual family's feelings on the matter, but especially when you are talking about the death of a newborn, whose family don't have any other pictures by which to remember their beloved child.


Family Portrait is an exploration of the invisibility and denial of grief in American society. Why do we hide from grief, from fully feeling and processing our own most painful memories, and shy away from the grief of others? I ask this question specifically when the death we hide from is that of a neonate, the most unacceptable and unacknowledged of deaths.


Through these photographs I seek to make a meaningful contribution to the much-needed discourse in the artistic community about death in today's society, as well as raising the awareness for the many "invisible" deaths that occur every year in this country and around the world. Showing these photographs at A.P.E. has great relevance to the community, as through our experience my husband and I have met many local families who have been touched by the death of a newborn. The short lives of the children of families touched by a loss like ours need not remain invisible, and our very real and overwhelming grief deserves recognition; it is my hope that this exhibit will not only move and speak to families like mine, but make people whose lives have not been touched by such a loss have more compassion for friends and family of theirs whose lives may be.



p.s. Eliza & Sara, would you be interested in helping me with my artist statement (already written, needs some work) and Bio for the book I am applying to have published?

Lighting A Creative Fire Under My Own Ass!

So, by now you know that I am trying to get the photographs from when we were in the hospital into the space of a gallery. Well, it has been so slow going as the pain of writing has hindered me. For whatever reason I just get stuck when it comes to the "artists statement", and in this case the "Exhibition Proposal". I have re-discovered a local gallery, that has just moved and is sort of starting anew just one town away from me. It's not always looked on well to just email a gallery if they are not actively seeking artists submissions, even so, I contacted this gallery and found out that they are actively seeking submissions for there next year of shows. So, here I sit slowly moving out of my writers block with a very rough proposal draft. I hope that you are not sick of my asking for opinions, but girls I need your help once again.

Here are some basic elements that I have tried to slip into the proposal.

*Your ideas, purpose or concept,
*Why you would like to exhibit at this Gallery,
* What benefit or relevance it would have to the local community

If you can, can you give me your critique if I am close at all with this proposal?

I believe in the important role photography plays in capturing important moments in one's life and in other's lives. For many, the first photographs of a newborn, perhaps their own child will become the most joyful and treasured family photographs that will be reveled over year after year, and passed from generation to generation with pride.

For some, those first moments, those most happy and life changing moments will never exist. Instead the first look and feel of their newborn child will be filled with silence and tears. I am speaking of the death of a child, in my own history and specific to the work in which I am proposing to show I am speaking of the stillbirth of my first born child. Following the death of my daughter I requested my camera be brought to me. What followed was a very natural desire to capture my daughters pureness, and beauty. Even though my heart felt as though it had been violently ripped from my being and a dark sadness had taken hold of my soul....I was compelled to photograph my child. I never gave it a second thought, and nobody told me that I could not do what felt like the right thing.

These photographs although obviously personal and intense hold so much importance for so many. They hold importance for all the 1,000's of other families who have suffered the loss of their children, they also, I believe can and should become important for our society as a whole. Important in that our fear of death and dying has become so quieted and tucked away since the "death" of post-mortem photography as the cultural "norm".

Family Portrait is an exploration of the invisibility and denial of grief in our American society. Why do we hide from grief, from our own pain and sorrow, and the pain and sorrow of others? Why do we as a culture encourage this behavior in each other? What are we ashamed of? I ask this question specifically when the death we hide from is that of a child, the most unacceptable of deaths.

Through these photographs I seek to flush out the much needed conversation about death that is laking in our society today. As well as raising the awareness for the many "invisible" deaths that occur every year in this country and around the world. Showing these photographs at A.P.E., has great relevance as there are many local families who have been touched by the death of a child. The short lives of our children need not be silenced anymore, our invisible grief needs to and should be seen.


What do you think? Does it get to the point at all? Do I make a good enough argument to show in the gallery? Do I make the subject worthy enough with my writing?

HELP!

My Babe Recording In Boston

Matt's band "Bunnies" is recording in Boston at Camp Street Studios...

(CLICK BELOW to see a photo of them at the studio, notice in the picture Matt's t-shirt. He is wearing his "Birdie's Papa" t-shirt!!! YEah Birdie's Papa!!!)

http://www.campstreetstudios.com

Their recording a full length in 5 days! Roger Miller is producing, YES!!! THE Roger Miller from Mission of Burma. Last night Roger played piano on a song that Bunnies wrote about our sweet little Birdie. The song is called "Baby Space Bird". I only ever heard a rough draft recording and it was beautiful, I can't wait to here what is sounds like now.

I miss my Matt.
Rock on Bunnies!

Capturing a Short Life

I have just seen information about this film posted HERE. It feels really important, so I am reposting about the film here. I think that I might try to get to Rhode Island to see it.

It seems both tragic and sad, but also good that someone has taken the time to document on film for a mass audience this subject of loss. Something that so many choose to turn away and hide from. That then we grieving parents who never stop loving or missing our babies are at times quieted by not wanting to make this person or that person uncomfortable. Not always of course are we quiet, but I have to admit that there have been moments when I choose not to say anything...

May this film break the silence.

Combining verité and interview footage with still photography, Capturing A Short Loss is a poignant documentary detailing the stories of four families who are dealing with the loss of a newborn baby. It portrays, in a sensitive, intimate and cinematic manner, the emotional, medical and ethical choices that parents are often faced with when they are told that their baby is incompatible with life. Although this subject matter is impossibly sad, the lives and relationships that evolve, even in this context, are not.

Few people are aware that in North America every year, tens of thousands of families are having to say goodbye to children they’ve only just met and millions more lose babies to miscarriage or stillbirth.

When a baby dies, it is not only an infant that is lost, but a toddler, a child, a teenager and an adult. An entire life, an entire future, disappears. There will be no first birthdays, no first steps, no first report cards, no first loves…instead there is an intense, impossible, few moments to say hello and goodbye.

This is not a film about death, it is, rather, a story about how critical it is to remember and celebrate the lives of these beautiful babies who are only with us for a moment, and how impossible it is to forget them.

CASL est un documentaire intime et cinématique qui combine vérité, entretiens et photographies, et racontent l’histoire de quatre familles qui vivent la perte imminente d’un nouveau-né. Sensible et intime, le film explore les choix émotionnels, médicaux et éthiques auxquels sont confrontés les parents lorsqu’ils doivent faire face au fait que leur bébé est incompatible avec la vie. Même si le sujet est impossiblement triste, les vies et les relations qui en découlent ne le sont pas. Ceci n’est pas un film sur la mort, mais plutôt, un rappel de combien il est important de se souvenir et de célébrer les vies de ces superbes bébés qui n’auront été avec nous que pour quelques instants, et combien il est impossible des les oublier.

The film is going to be screened at the Rhode Island International Film Festival on Wednesday August 6th at 5:00pm at the Columbus Theatre Arts Centre.

In Loving Memory

Our dear sweet doctor has suffered the loss of her sweet little daughter. Her little girl was stillborn on July 14. My heart is shattered for her and her family. She was 20 weeks pregnant, and this is the second child she has lost. Matt and I noticed her baby pooch at our CNM visit in June, and at our appointment last week we were told of her loss. After seeing the obituary just a few minutes ago, I had to honor her child here and write about this tragic loss. I want to reach out to her, but I am not sure how right now. There is a chance we will see her next week, I will know what to do when I see her...hold out my arms and my heart to her.

Oh sweet little baby Virginia, may you have found Birdie out there in the universe.

26 Weeks and 6 Days

Some belly photos, almost too late but here they are anyways.





and...a poem.

and the winter wind

And the winter wind did not blow.
The snow did not fall.
The coldest winter nite turned only silent.

The icy road held fate in it’s hands…
That road, it showed no mercy, and gave
no hope.

We could not know that the ending of all
roads was near.

Then suddenly all at once a bitter sting was cast
and felt for miles.

That that once was precious and held a
steady beat was no more, only still.

Tears turned to ice and hearts once warm
with hope became dark and thickened with woe.

Our little winter bird whose breathe could
not be saved, our little winter bird had flown away.

I Have So Much To Say...

I have so much to say lately, it's just that I have become distracted with my job and I am working on applying to THIS. I have had trouble tracking down a gallery to even submit my photos to. Either the galleries are way out of my league, or they are dumb crafty galleries. Plus, it doesn't help that I am modest about my photography and I hate to be pushy with people just to show my work. What I mean is that there are artists out there who walk the walk, and talk the talk really well and thus they show A LOT! Even though I am not that kind of person or artist I will keep looking for a gallery(s). With that said, applying to have my photos published in book form feels like the right thing to do, not that it will actually happen, but I have to try. At least I will know that more people will be exposed to what happened to Birdie, and see for themselves the look of tragedy, heartbreak and intense grief upon our faces. I hope to use these photographs as a tool for "social change".




In addition to submitting 40 photographs I also have to submit an artists statement and a biography. Again, writing is not my strong suit so I have been stalling on this. Well, kind of stalling. I do have my artists statement done, and a friend of mine who applied for a Fullbright a few years ago (she is an incredible writer) is assisting me to make it a stronger statement. The bio I am not so sure about. I am going to need a lot of help with that one. I have until September 5th to get this all together and sent in, it will all work out in the end. If anything, I will be able to say that Mary Ellen Mark saw my work and read my statement.

I know that I have asked this before, but does anyone who reads this blog know anyone who runs a gallery? Or can you recommend to me a person that you might know that could assist me in getting these photos shown? Maybe it's lame of me to ask, I figure it can't hurt. Or maybe you are a babylost mama who has also made work about your loss. It would be very powerful to have a group showing of work that has come from such a tragic place.

24 Weeks With Bunny

One HOT Pregnancy

I have never really been the biggest fan of the summer months, I have always preferred cooler weather as it makes it so much more possible to be outside! It seems to me that the summer weather used to be at least more mild and tolerable when I was growing up. Now, it's just disgusting and over-the-top HOT! Now, add being pregnant into the mix and it's EVEN MORE HOT! This is not a complaint. I just don't care for the summer anymore.

That being said, me and Macy have been stuck indoors a lot these days. Though most mornings I try to make an effort to take her for at least an early morning walk before it's too hot for both of us. For those of you who don't know, hot summer weather is dangerous for boxers as they have a much smaller snout than most other breeds making it harder to breath and cool down. Although, sometimes when Macy is sunning herself on the back porch in the am she forgets that she is hot and I have to coax her to come inside to cool down.



So, things are still going OK and I am feeling good. My thyroid is under control and I am working out at least 3 days a week to hopefully help myself to not gain TOO much weight. I know that I should not be concerned about this, but I did get a little lazy about working out when I was pregnant with Birdie. Besides it makes me feel really good and energized when I do take the time to excercise. I will probably get to a point as I did when I was pregnant with Birdie that I get to large to use the eliptical machine and weights...and swimming will be my cardio. Well see about that with this baby though. I am also wanting to go back to pre-natal yoga, however I feel a little mixed about going to a class where most likely I will be the only babylost mama. Given the chance that the instructor or someone in the class will ask me if this is my first baby, what do I say? I find it really hard to not just tell people when they ask, no, this is my second pregnancy, my first baby died while I was in labor with her. It's so hard for me to hold back because I would feel that I am not being fair to Birdie or myself hiding her away from others and the truth.

Being nearly 25 weeks pregnant now, I am feeling a good deal of movement and it's so incredibly adorable and reasuring. I was not going to buy a kick counter to help me to keep track of this babies movements, but yesterday I broke down and bought a BabyKick counter. In the months after Birdie died, and I was questioning EVERYTHING I came across this counter and the website and told myself that if and when I did become pregnant again I would splurge on the counter. I did not do kick counting with Birdie, so this time I AM!

I have also started to look into Hynobirth, yes I am allowing myself to go there at this point. Maybe I am naive to allow myself to think that I could get to that point, that there will actually be a labor that will result in a live child this time...but I am thinking about it and if I do get to the point I want to try to be much more relaxed this time. We did take a Hynobirth class when we were pregnant with Birdie, but I felt a little dissapointed with it. So, this time I am just thinking about buying a Hypnobirth "kit" like this one: Hypbirth. The only thing about it is that it's kind of expensive, so I will have to see if I can actually buy it. I have been trying to find it "used" on Amazon, so far no luck with that.

I hope that my optimism with this pregnancy isn't too hard for some of you to read about. I just can't allow myself to dwell on that what if's of pregnancy, don't get me wrong they are ALWAYS with me but I just don't think it's healthy for me to give too much energy to them. I am trying to just live in the moment, and take this pregnancy day-by-day, with a so far so good attitude.

So, for today things are good.

Home From Milwaukee...

We have been home for nearly a week now. I have a lot to say but mostly want to show you what we found on our back porch shortly after we arrived home last monday.



The poor little sparrow had flown into one of the back windows and fell upon the porch. There was a little bit of blood around it's mouth, not fully dried, so it was obvious that the little bird had not been dead all that long. It was so heartbreaking to hold the sweet little bird that had probably been a frequent eater at our bird feeder. We buried the little bird in Birdie's garden. (i have more photos but can't get them to upload)

Birdie Love In Milwuakee

It's been so wonderful to see all of our good friends here in Milwaukee. Most of whom we have not seen in 2 years, most of whom we have not seen in the days and months that have passed us by since Birdie died. Though many of them know for the most part what happened on the early morning of her silent birth, there are details that can only be told orally. Yesterday I told the story with a huge open heart to one of our dear friends as it felt so important to tell her and she was very open to listen. Somehow I told the details and no tears came. She listened and asked questions. Though it's so hard to really express sometimes just how raw, just how gut wrenching...how utterly smashed and wripped apart we were and still are to people. It's so hard to convey that we are not exactly who we once were, though I know there are those who see it, others may not. We are still so broken from what we experienced, we will always be.

So, it was good to share in person with this dear sweet friend the details. At the same time it was hard for me at first to see her. She is a new mama you see with a beautiful living, breathing babe of 7 months. Her little love is just heavenly to gaze upon, with skin as soft as Birdie's was. Though I loved to hear about her experience of mamahood, the trials she experienced with breastfeeding, it ached and pinged at my heart a little. I wish that it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could share stories of nursing our little angel to sleep, her sleeping patterns, lack of sleeping...everything that we should have been able to experience. I feel like a Mama, but then I am missing all the good parts. I am not able to nurture my child and watch her grow. Yes, I gave birth to my child, I gave birth to her and I was asleep when I did so. She was born without a single breathe, without a chance...she was there and she was silent, not a billow of air would fill her sweet little lungs. She would never have the chance to nurse from my awaiting breasts that soon would fill with milk. No, she would only lay upon my chest, heavy with silence and stillness. Her beauty would only be blessed upon us for 3 days (and then remembered in pictures).

And the milk...the milk did come in, though I did (and was encouraged to) dry it up immediately. For days I drank sage tea, bound my breasts with cold cabbage leaves and waited for it to dissapate, I dared my breasts to spill forth that milk. My body did not, my body gave in and the milk dissapated. For days I used nursing pads in my bra after the cold cabbage had done its duty. The creamy yellowish dried droplets of milk would form and dry next to my breast, and at night I would remove the pads to see.

Then, here I am now. 23 weeks pregnant with a child that we hope will become our new little miracle, born alive and crying, alive a breathing, alive with a heartbeat and that sweet newborn smell. I'm still handling the pregnancy well so far, it is helping to feel the baby moving. I am starting to notice some patterns of movement, that to is a little re-assuring...as I near when I start my kick counting.

For today I am so very thankful for this little Bunny, I am thankful for every kick and punch. I can only hope that this baby makes it, that we get to hear the cries we have longed to hear.

23 Weeks With Bunny

Milwaukee!



Yes we are in Milwaukee Wisconsin! For those of you who don't know we used to live out here while Matt was in Grad School. He was in the Graduate Film Program at UWM and graduated 3 years ago. We were so sad to leave all of our beautiful friends behind, but we had to finish planning our wedding and figure out where we were going on our life together. The last time we were here was 2 years ago, around this time and we were pregnant with Birdie, I think 8 weeks pregnant.

It's so great to be back here, we miss our "Riverwest" neighborhood and all of the very close friends we made. We are so fortunate to have them, they are true friends and more like family to us.

So we are here, and 2 of these beautiful friends are getting married and we are beyond thrilled for them. They are so right for each other, they complement each other and support each other in their creative endevours. I love going to weddings, especially when I know deep down that the relationship is meant to be. Old souls brought together in a strong friendship and truest love. Its a beautiful thing!

Today we shall hit up many of our old haunts, and hopefully get a nap in too. We are also going to be searching out a new temp. wedding band for me as I cannot fit into my wedding band or my engagement ring anymore...

Bunny is really moving around in my belly, kicking and punching me and I am so in love with him or her. Just like with Birdie, every movement that I feel is a miracle and so very very precious. However, this time I have to stop and pause a but longer and take it in because I know so well that this could all end suddenly and without warning.

Here's to Milwaukee, here's to Kate & Jeremy and of course to Birdie and Bunny!

22 Weeks?

We had a Midwife (and OB) apt. today. Apparently they have a new protocol for dating pregnancies....and so after looking at the data from the 16 week ultrasound, they have changed my "due date" back to October 24th. However, I have an agreement with this baby that they must not come that late! We asked our Doc for a later ultraosund with doppler just to see that the cord blood is flowing along smoothly. We are also going to have as many NST's as we want! Our Doc is also pregnant, she is around 17 weeks or so! She has 4 living children, and one that she carried to term knowing that the child was not compatible with life. So, she herself is a loss mama.

So, after thinking that I was about the be 23 weeks come saturday...I will be 22 weeks again. It seems so confusing but that is how it going to be I guess. I liked being a week further along. The truth is that only this baby will know when he or she is ready to be born, however I am going to do as many "natural" things to get labor started as I can....accupunture etc.

This past sunday, Fathers Day our local SHARE group has a butterfly release (i can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post). It was beautiful. The children who were present also really enjoyed it as you will see...

22 Weeks

22 Weeks
Originally uploaded by Birdies Mama

Le Baby Belly at 22 Weeks and 2 Days

Papa's Day

A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.



I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.

I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.

A Break From My Normal Posts.

There was a huge warehouse fire last night in my town. It happened in a old abandonded paper mill. We were walking Macy around 11:15pm or so and on the way home noticed a huge pillar of billowing smoke not so far off in the distance....we all jumped in the car and headed to the source:

Friday Photos

Beauty In Everything

There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.

Somehow all the many words that I want to say lately here are escaping me. I'm not sure why this is happening because it feels so good to just get everything out through words. I have been enjoying each day of this blessed pregnancy, and our little bunny is definitely starting to do some thumping. Every few days feeling this baby becomes more pronounced, and I am more assured of this new little life that lives within me. Its a glorious feeling, this baby is a miracle. This next week at the end of the week I will be 21 weeks. I will be 21 weeks and if am to go to 40 weeks it will be 19 weeks until this baby could be born. However, I hope that from the 21 week point that there will only be 17 or so weeks to go. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I just don't want to go anywhere near 40 weeks.

Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!