One HOT Pregnancy

I have never really been the biggest fan of the summer months, I have always preferred cooler weather as it makes it so much more possible to be outside! It seems to me that the summer weather used to be at least more mild and tolerable when I was growing up. Now, it's just disgusting and over-the-top HOT! Now, add being pregnant into the mix and it's EVEN MORE HOT! This is not a complaint. I just don't care for the summer anymore.

That being said, me and Macy have been stuck indoors a lot these days. Though most mornings I try to make an effort to take her for at least an early morning walk before it's too hot for both of us. For those of you who don't know, hot summer weather is dangerous for boxers as they have a much smaller snout than most other breeds making it harder to breath and cool down. Although, sometimes when Macy is sunning herself on the back porch in the am she forgets that she is hot and I have to coax her to come inside to cool down.



So, things are still going OK and I am feeling good. My thyroid is under control and I am working out at least 3 days a week to hopefully help myself to not gain TOO much weight. I know that I should not be concerned about this, but I did get a little lazy about working out when I was pregnant with Birdie. Besides it makes me feel really good and energized when I do take the time to excercise. I will probably get to a point as I did when I was pregnant with Birdie that I get to large to use the eliptical machine and weights...and swimming will be my cardio. Well see about that with this baby though. I am also wanting to go back to pre-natal yoga, however I feel a little mixed about going to a class where most likely I will be the only babylost mama. Given the chance that the instructor or someone in the class will ask me if this is my first baby, what do I say? I find it really hard to not just tell people when they ask, no, this is my second pregnancy, my first baby died while I was in labor with her. It's so hard for me to hold back because I would feel that I am not being fair to Birdie or myself hiding her away from others and the truth.

Being nearly 25 weeks pregnant now, I am feeling a good deal of movement and it's so incredibly adorable and reasuring. I was not going to buy a kick counter to help me to keep track of this babies movements, but yesterday I broke down and bought a BabyKick counter. In the months after Birdie died, and I was questioning EVERYTHING I came across this counter and the website and told myself that if and when I did become pregnant again I would splurge on the counter. I did not do kick counting with Birdie, so this time I AM!

I have also started to look into Hynobirth, yes I am allowing myself to go there at this point. Maybe I am naive to allow myself to think that I could get to that point, that there will actually be a labor that will result in a live child this time...but I am thinking about it and if I do get to the point I want to try to be much more relaxed this time. We did take a Hynobirth class when we were pregnant with Birdie, but I felt a little dissapointed with it. So, this time I am just thinking about buying a Hypnobirth "kit" like this one: Hypbirth. The only thing about it is that it's kind of expensive, so I will have to see if I can actually buy it. I have been trying to find it "used" on Amazon, so far no luck with that.

I hope that my optimism with this pregnancy isn't too hard for some of you to read about. I just can't allow myself to dwell on that what if's of pregnancy, don't get me wrong they are ALWAYS with me but I just don't think it's healthy for me to give too much energy to them. I am trying to just live in the moment, and take this pregnancy day-by-day, with a so far so good attitude.

So, for today things are good.

Home From Milwaukee...

We have been home for nearly a week now. I have a lot to say but mostly want to show you what we found on our back porch shortly after we arrived home last monday.



The poor little sparrow had flown into one of the back windows and fell upon the porch. There was a little bit of blood around it's mouth, not fully dried, so it was obvious that the little bird had not been dead all that long. It was so heartbreaking to hold the sweet little bird that had probably been a frequent eater at our bird feeder. We buried the little bird in Birdie's garden. (i have more photos but can't get them to upload)

Birdie Love In Milwuakee

It's been so wonderful to see all of our good friends here in Milwaukee. Most of whom we have not seen in 2 years, most of whom we have not seen in the days and months that have passed us by since Birdie died. Though many of them know for the most part what happened on the early morning of her silent birth, there are details that can only be told orally. Yesterday I told the story with a huge open heart to one of our dear friends as it felt so important to tell her and she was very open to listen. Somehow I told the details and no tears came. She listened and asked questions. Though it's so hard to really express sometimes just how raw, just how gut wrenching...how utterly smashed and wripped apart we were and still are to people. It's so hard to convey that we are not exactly who we once were, though I know there are those who see it, others may not. We are still so broken from what we experienced, we will always be.

So, it was good to share in person with this dear sweet friend the details. At the same time it was hard for me at first to see her. She is a new mama you see with a beautiful living, breathing babe of 7 months. Her little love is just heavenly to gaze upon, with skin as soft as Birdie's was. Though I loved to hear about her experience of mamahood, the trials she experienced with breastfeeding, it ached and pinged at my heart a little. I wish that it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could share stories of nursing our little angel to sleep, her sleeping patterns, lack of sleeping...everything that we should have been able to experience. I feel like a Mama, but then I am missing all the good parts. I am not able to nurture my child and watch her grow. Yes, I gave birth to my child, I gave birth to her and I was asleep when I did so. She was born without a single breathe, without a chance...she was there and she was silent, not a billow of air would fill her sweet little lungs. She would never have the chance to nurse from my awaiting breasts that soon would fill with milk. No, she would only lay upon my chest, heavy with silence and stillness. Her beauty would only be blessed upon us for 3 days (and then remembered in pictures).

And the milk...the milk did come in, though I did (and was encouraged to) dry it up immediately. For days I drank sage tea, bound my breasts with cold cabbage leaves and waited for it to dissapate, I dared my breasts to spill forth that milk. My body did not, my body gave in and the milk dissapated. For days I used nursing pads in my bra after the cold cabbage had done its duty. The creamy yellowish dried droplets of milk would form and dry next to my breast, and at night I would remove the pads to see.

Then, here I am now. 23 weeks pregnant with a child that we hope will become our new little miracle, born alive and crying, alive a breathing, alive with a heartbeat and that sweet newborn smell. I'm still handling the pregnancy well so far, it is helping to feel the baby moving. I am starting to notice some patterns of movement, that to is a little re-assuring...as I near when I start my kick counting.

For today I am so very thankful for this little Bunny, I am thankful for every kick and punch. I can only hope that this baby makes it, that we get to hear the cries we have longed to hear.

23 Weeks With Bunny

Milwaukee!



Yes we are in Milwaukee Wisconsin! For those of you who don't know we used to live out here while Matt was in Grad School. He was in the Graduate Film Program at UWM and graduated 3 years ago. We were so sad to leave all of our beautiful friends behind, but we had to finish planning our wedding and figure out where we were going on our life together. The last time we were here was 2 years ago, around this time and we were pregnant with Birdie, I think 8 weeks pregnant.

It's so great to be back here, we miss our "Riverwest" neighborhood and all of the very close friends we made. We are so fortunate to have them, they are true friends and more like family to us.

So we are here, and 2 of these beautiful friends are getting married and we are beyond thrilled for them. They are so right for each other, they complement each other and support each other in their creative endevours. I love going to weddings, especially when I know deep down that the relationship is meant to be. Old souls brought together in a strong friendship and truest love. Its a beautiful thing!

Today we shall hit up many of our old haunts, and hopefully get a nap in too. We are also going to be searching out a new temp. wedding band for me as I cannot fit into my wedding band or my engagement ring anymore...

Bunny is really moving around in my belly, kicking and punching me and I am so in love with him or her. Just like with Birdie, every movement that I feel is a miracle and so very very precious. However, this time I have to stop and pause a but longer and take it in because I know so well that this could all end suddenly and without warning.

Here's to Milwaukee, here's to Kate & Jeremy and of course to Birdie and Bunny!

22 Weeks?

We had a Midwife (and OB) apt. today. Apparently they have a new protocol for dating pregnancies....and so after looking at the data from the 16 week ultrasound, they have changed my "due date" back to October 24th. However, I have an agreement with this baby that they must not come that late! We asked our Doc for a later ultraosund with doppler just to see that the cord blood is flowing along smoothly. We are also going to have as many NST's as we want! Our Doc is also pregnant, she is around 17 weeks or so! She has 4 living children, and one that she carried to term knowing that the child was not compatible with life. So, she herself is a loss mama.

So, after thinking that I was about the be 23 weeks come saturday...I will be 22 weeks again. It seems so confusing but that is how it going to be I guess. I liked being a week further along. The truth is that only this baby will know when he or she is ready to be born, however I am going to do as many "natural" things to get labor started as I can....accupunture etc.

This past sunday, Fathers Day our local SHARE group has a butterfly release (i can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post). It was beautiful. The children who were present also really enjoyed it as you will see...

22 Weeks

22 Weeks
Originally uploaded by Birdies Mama

Le Baby Belly at 22 Weeks and 2 Days

Papa's Day

A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.



I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.

I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.

A Break From My Normal Posts.

There was a huge warehouse fire last night in my town. It happened in a old abandonded paper mill. We were walking Macy around 11:15pm or so and on the way home noticed a huge pillar of billowing smoke not so far off in the distance....we all jumped in the car and headed to the source:

Friday Photos

Beauty In Everything

There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.

Somehow all the many words that I want to say lately here are escaping me. I'm not sure why this is happening because it feels so good to just get everything out through words. I have been enjoying each day of this blessed pregnancy, and our little bunny is definitely starting to do some thumping. Every few days feeling this baby becomes more pronounced, and I am more assured of this new little life that lives within me. Its a glorious feeling, this baby is a miracle. This next week at the end of the week I will be 21 weeks. I will be 21 weeks and if am to go to 40 weeks it will be 19 weeks until this baby could be born. However, I hope that from the 21 week point that there will only be 17 or so weeks to go. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I just don't want to go anywhere near 40 weeks.

Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!

18 Weeks, 19 Weeks almost 20 Weeks!

I have been pretty absent from this blog for last week or so. Believe me there is a lot on my mind, but I just couldn't get it onto the blog. I have been feeling somewhat guilty that I haven't been writing as much about Birdie, as this is really her blog. I guess sometimes maybe I run out of new things to say. I miss her still so fiercely, and I still cry over her many nights. I don't want to say that this pregnancy is taking away my deep pain, but I do think that it is helping with some of the hopelessness that has been stirring within my heart for so long. This baby is giving me a renewed hope, and although I don't wish to rush to the end of this pregnancy...I can say that the days seem to be flowing pretty smoothly and I am not dwelling on how much longer I have to go. This pregnancy seems to be going along at a pace I can handle, a pace not too slow and not too fast. With Birdie I was so carefree and it was fine that it seemed to go somewhat slowly. As many of you know very well, the subsequent cannot be so carefree.

As of last week I believed that I was in my 18th week, well the 18 week ultrasound (photos below this post) that we had last wednesday put the baby 6 days ahead. So, when we had our midwife appointment on friday of last week, they changed my due date to Oct 18th. However, we did discuss that there is some room in there that the dates are not exact. Even so, I have made an agreement with this baby that labor WILL begin at 38.5 weeks! We also talked about a few of the "natural" ways to stimulate labor...Evening Primrose Oil, Acupuncture...lots of lovin! =) I just know that if I get anywhere close to where I was with Birdie (41.5 weeks) that I will become panic stricken and perhaps a little crazy with worry.

The other thing we talked about was my weight, in the last month I gained 10 pounds! WHOA! The midwife asked me about my diet, she discovered that perhaps the juice I had been drinking could be the culprit. I was drinking at least 2 big glasses of OJ and apple or grape juice. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! She said she would rather see me eat and orange than drink a glass, as it takes about 10 oranges to make 1 glass! Plus since the baby is now fully formed the extra folic acid isn't needed (there is enough in my pre-natal anyway). So, bye bye juice (except for in middle of the night when I take a swig of apple juice). I'm going to have to drink something besides water though....ugh. I can't stand the taste of water first thing in the morning.

So, I am gaining too much weight a little too fast (my thoughts, nobody has said that to me). However, I know that perhaps I gained too much with Birdie. I mean I was so fucking huge! I know I will probably get bug again, but if I can help it at all I want to. I have been pretty bad about getting to the gym, but I have been exercising a good lot by walking the dog 2 to 3 times a day with at least one 1hour walk if not longer. I have also been wanting to get back to pre-nantal yoga, but the class I used to take doesn't exist! Now I am having a hard time finding something else close to me WTF!

So, to recap this long post. As of early last week we thought I was 18 weeks, by the end of the week I was told that really I was 19 weeks. So, this week at the end of the week I will be 20 weeks! Also, I am finally most definitely feeling some kicks or punches and its SUCH A RELIEF! Its not frequent yet, but I feel certain it will be very soon. I'm still feeling good, and my energy level is good too.

So far, so good. Oh, and did I mention how adorable the baby was when we had the ultrasound? The baby was so squirmy, at one point when were looking at the screen it looked like the baby had turned to look at us (but of course it hadn't), we also got to see the baby open it's mouth to take a little drink...so amazing, so beautiful and I still see Birdie's profile in this little miracles profile. Everything looked good. So far, so good.

The first picture here is the one where the baby looks like it was looking at us, the second, baby is opening its mouth to take a drink...

Originally uploaded by Birdies Mama

Here's my 17 week belly. I must say that it feels really good to have such a nice round belly again. What a relief to be "looking" and feeling pregnant again. I think that I might be feeling some little punches and kicks every now and then, but I can't be entirely sure yet. I need to look back on the blog to see when I started to feel Birdie moving around...she was so adorable when she did move within my womb.


More 17 Week photos here

Charlotte Amelia


Today is the 5th Birthday of my dear friend Carol's daughter Charlotte Amelia. Charlotte left this world all too soon 5 years ago today. Her Mama writes so beautifully about her birth here.

Happy Birthday sweet little Charlotte. You are loved and missed by SO MANY.

MOTHERS DAY WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES IS TODAY!

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but there is a Mothers Day Walk To Remember our Babies today, the local Northampton Mass SHARE group that we go to is hosting it. The "Our Children In Our Hearts Walk", it is happening today, Saturday May 10 at 3:00PM at Childs Park in Northampton Ma. If you are in Ma I strongly urge to to come and join us, it is such a lovely event, plus we have organized a Fathers Day Butterfly Release and Picnic that we will be talking about and having flyers out for. So, Mothers of those children who are with us in spirit, and in our hearts...please come. You will be bathed in love and caring, and surrounded by those who understand.

Love you all of you on this Mothers Day Weekend.
Erin

16 Weeks.

Holy shit, really am I going to be 16 weeks pregnant?

I have been keeping myself pretty busy for the last few months and maybe that is how I have gotten to 16 weeks so quickly? When I stop and look down at my growing belly, which seems to be growing at a rapid rate I still can't believe that the belly I see is mine. I am having a hard time sometimes really letting go for this one...I want to bond, and I do, but some days this is all just too surreal for me. It feels a little too dejavu at times. Maybe once I start to feel movement and I am sure that it's movement and not gas, then things will feel more solid for me. I hate that I get to a semi-detached place in my mind from this pregnancy. I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Birdie, I feel good, I feel happy and besides the Hypothyroid so far everything seems to be going well. Have any of you had trouble bonding with subsequent babies in utero?

The other thing that is on my mind is this photo project. As you may know I have been working on and thinking about for a good long time now this "Family Portrait" project. I am getting back into it now, and starting to take new photos of any objects that we have collected or been given to remember Birdie by.

I am also trying so hard to work on my artists statement more because I am getting my shit together to submit these photos to galleries. I want so much for these photos to be seen by many, to effect many. Now, I need to ask those of you who are writers and I know that many of you are...could you or would you take a look at my most recent statement and tell me what you think? I am not the best at articulating my ideas through writing so I need all the help I can get to make this statement as strong as it can be.

"Family Portrait explores the invisibility of grief in our American society. Why do we hide from our grief, pain and sorrow (and the grief, pain and sorrow of others?) Why do we as a culture encourage this behavior for each other? What are we ashamed of? I ask this question in regards specific to when the death we hide from is that of a child.

Not until a recent tragic, and horrific loss in my own life, the death of my first born child Birdie who was stillborn on March 3, 2007 have I ever questioned the way in which we "handle" death in this country. The traumatic death of my child, and the intense grief and anger that are with me everyday since have raised so many questions about public grieving for me. As a grieving mother I have become an advocate for speaking out about my grief, my pain and my anger. I have not been and will not be quiet about the death of my daughter.

After Birdie’s death, and while still in the hospital with her we photographed her and each other with her. Even though we were deep in shock, we knew to photograph was right and important, as the days we would have with her would be our only moments with her. With this “evidence of experience” that we have to look upon we retain the searing trauma, intense anger and manic pain of the death of our child."

15 Weeks 4 Days, So Far So Good.

Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I am doing ok mentally, I have just been working (I have a new and pretty rad job!). I have also been trying to get my act together to submit my photos to galleries in the area and continuing to work on/build upon the photo project.

I am feeling pretty good, no sickness or anything so I guess I am lucky for that. It has gotten a little tricky with the eating thing/my hypothyroid/being vegetarian. I have been reading a little about eating fish, i.e. the safest fish to eat while pregnant. It seems from the info I have found that Wild Alaskan Salmon seems to be the safest. However, before I really do start to go that route I am going to speak with my dietitian about it. It's going to be weird to start to eat fish again...I have been vegetarian for more than 10 years! I must do what I have to do for my body and this baby.

At our last midwife apt (CNM apt) last friday, she was pretty sure that she felt my uterus was measuring higher than normal for 14 weeks. She told us it could be that I was carrying twins, further along that we had thought or that I had a fibroid. Well, we had an ultrasound this past friday...and we have one beautiful little life, no twins, no fibroid. It was a little bit dejavu at first going into that ultrasound room, as we couldn't help be reminded of Birdie. It was good though, and what a relief to see little babe on the screen, to see him or her moving around and to see that heart beating away. It was amazing and it was instant love! We have been both having some trouble bonding, but after seeing the baby within my womb I am at peace with this pregnancy and can feel the bond that was always there...it was just hiding under a protective layer in my mind and in my heart. It was so AWESOME to see this baby! It was also so cool to see the baby's profile, which I do think looks a lot like Birdie's did. We have some pictures and were looking at them against Birdies...there is definitely a resemblance!

So, you can probably tell from the tone of my writing that I am doing pretty well with the pregnancy. I just can't allow myself to dwell on all the bad that could happen. It would drive me crazy if I did that, and I want to enjoy this baby as he or she grows within me. It's only fair to do so for all our sakes.

Here are some photos of babe in utero:

Results

So after much anxiety and having to wait. Yes, the office was closed yesterday...then on top of that today I had to wait for the doctor to call in to review my results because he is away for 2 weeks! After all that the bloodwork showed that the level only went up .1, I think that is right. It was 4.91 3 weeks ago and as of friday was 5.1. So, I am starting 1 tablet (100 mcg) of synthroid tonight (and every night) before bed on an empty tummy, and I have my blood work re-checked in 6 weeks. I do feel a little better knowing that at least I can start being treated for this. However, I did make my great concern known to the nurse at the endo's office when I spoke with her. She made it clear that in no way was the doctor making me wait (3 weeks) for no reason to have the apt I had friday. That if after looking at my chart (3 weeks ago) I should have come in earlier then they would have had me come in. So, I don't really know how I feel about all that...and perhaps we will do some doc shopping. I was told about a "more cutting edge" endo doc that is only about an hour from our house. He has written a book about hypothroidism and also has a video that I watched where he talks all about hypothyroid and he seems to really "get it". Plus he has a very holistic approach (i.e. diet, excersise, yoga etc) to treatment of hypothyroidism as well as using conventional medicines of course.

Anyway, I am feeling much less anxiety right now. So I feel good for now.

Damned Patriots Day!

So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!

This Different Spring

I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.

I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.

What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.

However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.

Warm Spring Air & A Little Anxiety

Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.

However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.

So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.

edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.

Hope.

To be honest I never did think that I would be in this place that I am in. I mean really, after Biride died, and we were "introduced" into a world we never really knew existed (dead baby blog land) how can I possibly allow myself to feel hope? I really don't know where it is coming from. Not that I'm not scared to death of the "what if's", but I just don't want to linger there. I know all about what could happen, but my mind just isn't letting me stay there for very long.

Birdie's death was an accident, she should be here right now. It was because of all of the time that passed when things became dangerous that she is dead. Perhaps it is my knowing this that has allowed me to get beyond being worried all the time. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe that's just who I am. I feel like to spend my time, my precious time being scared is not going to do me any good or this baby. I must feel thankful for right now, this moment and all moments of the day. I have said this before, but I know that really ultimately under most circumstances I have no control so I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

One day at a time, because I know deep down inside it could all go to shit tomorrow but why do I want to spend the time stressed out about it and anxiety ridden? I just can't do that.

So, for now I feel good. I feel hopeful. I do feel a little bit of healing in my heart and I am madly in love with this little beauty in my belly.

For those of you who were wondering when we found out that we were pregnant again, we officially found out on March 1st. So, we knew on Birdies 1st birthday. It took a while for it to really sink in, and when my belly started to stick out pretty soon after we definitely knew that this is really happening!

For the time being we are seeing the same care providers that we had been with Birdie, before we started to go to the homebirth midwives. So, we are under the care of the CNM's and Doctor that delivered Birdie. The very same doctor who tried in vain to save her life. We both feel very confident and so happy with the care we have already received. Our first pre-natal was nearly an hour long, and a week and half after it we had another appointment just so that we could hear the heartbeat. What a relief to hear that beautiful sound, we both cried through it. We were told right from the start that we can have anything that we want, tests, ultrasounds etc etc. I won't be induced (something I already knew) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Plus, our doctor and the CNM's are PRO VBAC, and that is what I want for myself to. My only concern is going to 40 weeks, I just don't want to get that far. I would be happy with 38 weeks, so we will see when the time comes. All in all we are comfortable with these wonderful care providers, we are close with them and they know us and remember Birdie so we are treated with nothing but kindness.

However, we are going to have a meeting with a midwife from the local "big" hospital. We want to do this just to see how our care might be different, how they approach a "patient" like me etc.

So, that's the scoop from over here. On thursday I will be 12 weeks. I don't want this pregnancy to go by too fast, but then again...I want to hear that beautiful sound of this baby crying...I want to look at my beautiful husband and see the tears of love, happiness and healing and I want to know, finally how it feels to hold a living breathing child that we have created together. I want to know this, and also think of Birdie and think how she might have been...and know who she always will be.

She is always in my heart and in my soul.

11 Weeks, 3 Days

Some photos to show our hope, to share with you a glimpse of how far we have come and how much my belly is pooting out already! Its bitter sweet to look at these photos, to see us smiling the same smiles we had when we were so happily pregnant with Birdie.

The Good News

It seemed as though the day would never come that I would be able to share with all of you that we had been blessed once again. Alas, the day did come and we are so thrilled. Of course we are a little nervous with all that we now know. However, we cannot allow our worry to consume us. All that we can do is enjoy this beautiful miracle, love this baby as we love Birdie and be thankful for what we have right now, today. Thank you for your kind words of congratulations...I am trying very hard to accept the congratulations. At times it seems like that word should be saved until after the baby is actually here, alive. Please don't think me ungrateful, I am, your all so sweet.

I have been trying to upload the recording of the babies heart beat that we have, but blogger doesn't seem to like it.

So, here we are again. Pregnant and trying to be positive. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the LIVE birth of this child. I have to be optimistic about this pregnancy otherwise I feel like I will go crazy. I know that it's going to be really hard at times to be positive, but I promise to keep trying, being and living this way. I do feel good about this pregnancy and I AM going to try and trust this baby. I just have to for me, for Matt and for the baby. I want to see the light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I need to feel and think that we will get to meet this baby in life.

Therefore, I understand if some of you might not want to hang around and read this blog. I know that for some the road has been too bumpy, and too scary. That perhaps my optimism about our subsequent pregnancy might be too much.

Birdie, your going to be a big sister! (we hope)

Remembering Riley

Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.

Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.

Home

So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.

I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.

Well, we made it through Birdies Birthday. It was a nice and quiet day, even as sad as it was it was a good day. The weather turned nice and sunny, so we got to take our walk and Macy was happy for that too. Thank you to all who commented or took the time to send us an email, your all so sweet to think of Birdie and us. I have been feeling some disappointment over the friends and family who didn't acknowledge Birdies Birthday. Some people surprised me with not even a note. It hurts. People that I was sure would remember what March 3rd was last year and will always be for us.

Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.

I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.

I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.

Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.

Happy Birthday Little Birdie.
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.


Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)

1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28

that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.

It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.

Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.


Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.

You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.

We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.

My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.

But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.

We will carry you with us always, even in death.

We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)

With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa

Labor

On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.

Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.

Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.

How We Will Honor Our Girl On The 1 year Anniversary of Her Birth

Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.

A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.

I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.

Angry

I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.

My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.

I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.

Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)

I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.

It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".

So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.

Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.

Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!

Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.

It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.

How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".

I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.

I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!

All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.


p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.

When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?

The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.

I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.

But no, this would not come to pass.

Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.

How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.

How will it feel?

Re-making Photographs.




I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.

They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.

I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.

As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.

Today, Last Year.


Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.

There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....


"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"


"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"


Give me a fucking break!

Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.

I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.

Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.

The Mourning Museum

Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.

My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.

So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.

To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:

MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present

"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"

There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.

So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.

(a brief break from my normal posting)
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!

(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)


(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)

NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!

11 months.

It's now been 11 months since our baby died.

What do I do with this?

What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.

Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.

Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?

WHY WHY WHY?

I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.

The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.

Birdie Love Forever and Always.