The Good News
It seemed as though the day would never come that I would be able to share with all of you that we had been blessed once again. Alas, the day did come and we are so thrilled. Of course we are a little nervous with all that we now know. However, we cannot allow our worry to consume us. All that we can do is enjoy this beautiful miracle, love this baby as we love Birdie and be thankful for what we have right now, today. Thank you for your kind words of congratulations...I am trying very hard to accept the congratulations. At times it seems like that word should be saved until after the baby is actually here, alive. Please don't think me ungrateful, I am, your all so sweet.
I have been trying to upload the recording of the babies heart beat that we have, but blogger doesn't seem to like it.
So, here we are again. Pregnant and trying to be positive. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the LIVE birth of this child. I have to be optimistic about this pregnancy otherwise I feel like I will go crazy. I know that it's going to be really hard at times to be positive, but I promise to keep trying, being and living this way. I do feel good about this pregnancy and I AM going to try and trust this baby. I just have to for me, for Matt and for the baby. I want to see the light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I need to feel and think that we will get to meet this baby in life.
Therefore, I understand if some of you might not want to hang around and read this blog. I know that for some the road has been too bumpy, and too scary. That perhaps my optimism about our subsequent pregnancy might be too much.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Remembering Riley
Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.
Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.
Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.
Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Home
So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.
I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.
So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.
I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Well, we made it through Birdies Birthday. It was a nice and quiet day, even as sad as it was it was a good day. The weather turned nice and sunny, so we got to take our walk and Macy was happy for that too. Thank you to all who commented or took the time to send us an email, your all so sweet to think of Birdie and us. I have been feeling some disappointment over the friends and family who didn't acknowledge Birdies Birthday. Some people surprised me with not even a note. It hurts. People that I was sure would remember what March 3rd was last year and will always be for us.
Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.
I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.
I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.
Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.
Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.
I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.
I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.
Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Happy Birthday Little Birdie.
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.
Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)
1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28
that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.
It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.
Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.
Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.
You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.
We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.
My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.
But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.
We will carry you with us always, even in death.
We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)
With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.
Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)
1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28
that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.
It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.
Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.
Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.
You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.
We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.
My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.
But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.
We will carry you with us always, even in death.
We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)
With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Labor
On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.
Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.
Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.
On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.
Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.
Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
How We Will Honor Our Girl On The 1 year Anniversary of Her Birth
Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.
A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.
I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.
Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.
A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.
I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Angry
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Re-making Photographs.
I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.
They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.
I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.
As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.
I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.
They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.
I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.
As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Today, Last Year.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.
There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....
"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"
"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"
Give me a fucking break!
Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.
I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.
Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.
There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....
"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"
"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"
Give me a fucking break!
Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.
I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.
Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
The Mourning Museum
Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.
My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.
So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.
To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:
MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present
"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"
There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.
So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.
Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.
My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.
So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.
To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:
MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present
"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"
There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.
So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.
Monday, February 04, 2008
(a brief break from my normal posting)
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!
(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)
(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!
(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)
(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
11 months.
It's now been 11 months since our baby died.
What do I do with this?
What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.
Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?
WHY WHY WHY?
I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.
The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.
Birdie Love Forever and Always.
It's now been 11 months since our baby died.
What do I do with this?
What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.
Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?
WHY WHY WHY?
I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.
The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.
Birdie Love Forever and Always.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Her Last Movements
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
a temporary distraction.
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
How Have We "Made It" This Far?
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
Friday, January 18, 2008
This is really sad.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
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